Want to start ttc but I don't want sex

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I wasn't sure if I should post anything but I'm feeling pretty bad about this and could use some advice.

My DH and I decided to start ttc our 2nd child. The problem is that since I got pregnant with our 4 ye old DD I can not stand the thought of sex.

I've gone off it so much that even the idea of it seems exhausting. We have had sex a few times... I'd guess about once every 3-6 months which is more than enough for me. My DH would like us to have more sex but is understanding and doesn't pressure me. (He used to whinge about it a little until I told him that grown men whinging for sex is so unattractive it made me want to sew my vagina shut)

Anyway, I've been rambling. It's all come to a bit of a head now as we both feel ready to have another child and although I'm young my family has a history of very early menopause so time is ticking a bit. How do I get my sex drive up enough to ttc? I want to enjoy it rather than just having it as a means to an end. Thanks for reading.

Go to the doctor get your hormones checked. If you used to enjoy it and now don't, plus gone through the hormonal bombardment that is pregnancy, that could be it.

Is it the thought of sex with your dh or just sex in general, do you have sexual dreams or fancy actors/ celebrities etc?

It seems a bit sad that you're prepared to ask about this when you want something, but not when your husband was begging for sex.

Is your relationship with your husband important to you? Because if not you shouldn't ttc at all.

Is it the thought of sex in general you 'can't stand', or with your husband? Would you suddenly feel more perky if [insert name of person who floats your boat] showed up with a nice bottle of wine?

'Can't stand the thought of sex' is a strong statement, too. Bit different to 'too exhausted' for which there are easier fixes. Which is it?

Lastly, didn't this feature at all in the conversation with your husband about having another baby?

My husband doesn't really know how I feel about sex.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just too tired sometimes I really couldn't think of anything worse than someone touching me in s sexual way, I do mean anyone not just my husband.

I always assumed that my relationship with my husband was important to me, but you may have a good point about it not really concerning me until I wanted another baby. I probably need to have a real think about that.

Yes I think you do OP...having a second child with a man you don't want to be intimate with might not be such a good idea.

I think you need to sort your relationship out before you have another baby

Your husband has been amazingly patient (as he should be) but you shouldn't be just having sex for a baby. You should be wanting to have it.

A few people on here have had success with the DIY self-insemination method e.g. cup and syringe.

A second child will also be exhausting.

More exhausting

Pregnancy is harder

You can't nip off for a quick sleep if you're tired like you could in your first pregnancy

I think you should look at your relationship before bringing another child into it. I think what you said to your dh about him asking for sex was pretty mean tbh, because it wasnt even about him asking. You dont want sex even when he doesnt ask you

Does anyone have any tips for how to increase libido?

I've tried to be more intimate by holding hands, cuddles etc but I don't think that's working at all.

I've come off my anti-depressants as a listed side effect is loss of libido so that's made no difference.

I used to be a very sexual person until I got pregnant, at first I was just too tired from being pregnant, then it was body confidence, then the baby... Now I don't even know what it is. I'd love for DH and I to be more like we were before but maybe that'll never happen I don't really know.

You sound pretty uncaring towards your husband. It's not unreasonable to want to make love to your spouse and life partner whom you're supposed to love. It's rather hurtful if your spouse not only doesn't want you,but doesn't seem to care if you're feeling hurt or facing a sexless existence.

This doesn't mean you have to have sex if you don't want it, but if you really don't give a toss about how your husband feels about it, I don't think another baby with him is a smart move. Nobody likes to feel like an unloved and unwanted brood mare or sperm donor.

I echo the above posters who suggested you get your hormones etc checked....and if you're really not prepared even to try to end the sexlessness of your marriage for any reason except a baby, perhaps you need to consider your relationship.

How long have you been off of the ADs? How's that affected your mood? That is could you still be depressed?

Cross post.... In my experience, people who like sex or want sex have sex. If you still like being intimate but it's just not sexual, maybe try one of the many aids available. Personally I don't like porn, but I love reading erotica; there may be something that works for you. I also really need exercise....lots of good hard cardio will lift your mood, make your body feel good and help you regain body confidence.

So on the few occasions you've had sex in the past 5 years since you got pregnant, do you like it?

Or are you hating every minute?

A night away without dc does wonders for me, morning sex with no risk of being disturbed fantastic. Doesn't have to be anywhere fancy travel lodge is fine! Good sex makes you want more sex so a trip away can have lasting effects, but it dies sound you like you have deeper issues

I don't know how to increase libido

I have a very low sexual appetite. I find it hard to get turned on.

But even I become a bit of a raging nymph around my fertile time. Dh loves it and looks forward to his monthly time. We end up having sex up to 3-4 times that week. The rest of the month is usually sex free as I can't get my engine going.

Are you taking the pill? Coming off the pill has been quite a revelation for me - during the days I am fertile my libido goes through the roof. And how long have you been on the ADs? It might take a while for that to impact your hormones etc

You know, I think your DH does know how you feel about sex, seeing as though you told him that him asking for sex makes you want to sew your vagina shut.

It's not that unusyal.
Interestingly, I'm not totally against sex, just cba, and you have sex more often than we do!
We were talking about trying for another baby, had sex twice in one month and then cba again after that.
Our 6 months so far of trying for a baby has consisted of 3 shags.

Sorry you're going through this OP. I think this is all too common a problem post pregnancy/baby. I worry about it myself as I went right off sex during my first pregnancy and for much for the first year of DS1's life (much of which I was breastfeeding which doesn't help I think). Fortunately I did gradually get back into it and regain desire, but conceiving DS2 was much more of a chore and "goal oriented" than either of us wanted it to be, with the added worry that I would go off sex again once pregnant, which I duly have. My DH is very patient and at least we know - or hope!! - that the spark will come back eventually, it just gets thoroughly wiped out due to pregnancy and the exhaustion of raising small children. I couldn't put our relationship through any more of this so two kids is our lot and I will really work at things once DS2 is a year old and I've stopped breastfeeding. Hormones are bastards sometimes. We had an exciting and varied sex life before DC and I still absolutely fancy the pants off DH, and I tell him this so I hope he knows it's not him, I just have a disconnect between that and actually getting down to having sex. I've tried "getting into the habit of it" to see if more sex encourages more sex but it wasn't floating either of our boats.
Not sure if my ramble is helping. Just think this is a standard problem which ought to go away given time and children getting older.
It does rather sound like your depression isn't helping, unsurprisingly What are you doing to treat it having come off the ADs?

Are you on hormonal contraception? When I went on the pill my labido went low and I stopped enjoying sex. I was dreading ttc, it wasn't until I came off the pill and I started enjoying sex again that I made the link.

Sorry quite a few posts since I last looked so can't remember usernames but I'll try and answer some questions.

I haven't been on hormonal contraceptive for a few years as I felt like it was making me crazy and I couldn't cope with my emotions.

I'm not doing anything since I came off ADs about 6 months ago, I'm just trying to control it myself.

Whoever did the "ramble" it help thank you.

I do enjoy the sex once we are doing it but I never feel "in the mood" it's more like... Right lets just start this and I'll get in to it once it's already happening. But that's a turn off in itself as I want to want it not just put up with it until I start enjoying it.

ADs to lower libido, but so does depression itself, so if you're still feeling depressed that could be why. Did you speak to your doctor about coming off the ADs? Maybe they could prescribe you a different brand or refer you for CBT or something?