Want to start ttc but I don't want sex

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I wasn't sure if I should post anything but I'm feeling pretty bad about this and could use some advice.

My DH and I decided to start ttc our 2nd child. The problem is that since I got pregnant with our 4 ye old DD I can not stand the thought of sex.

I've gone off it so much that even the idea of it seems exhausting. We have had sex a few times... I'd guess about once every 3-6 months which is more than enough for me. My DH would like us to have more sex but is understanding and doesn't pressure me. (He used to whinge about it a little until I told him that grown men whinging for sex is so unattractive it made me want to sew my vagina shut)

Anyway, I've been rambling. It's all come to a bit of a head now as we both feel ready to have another child and although I'm young my family has a history of very early menopause so time is ticking a bit. How do I get my sex drive up enough to ttc? I want to enjoy it rather than just having it as a means to an end. Thanks for reading.

Would it upset you if he did masturbate?

I agree with another poster that you have a virtually sexless marriage. If both couples are fine with it then it's not an issue. But when 1 person wants it and the other doesn't it's going to cause problems in the relationship. And a baby won't fix those problems either.

I'm sorry but if I was your DH I would be gutted. Is he even allowed to discuss we with you? Then you start asking him about whether he masturbates and you think he might be lying?

I would be seeing a marriage counsellor in your situation.

I'm struggling to think badly of him because he raised the issue using a silly voice while tipsy. Might not have been suave but you do sound very shut off. I can see why he wouldn't dare raise it while sober and why he might have tried to joke it a little. It's not as though he'd have had a better chance using any other approach.

If he doesn't pull his weight around the house that's an issue. But it's not one that's mentioned in the OP....you say you can't stand the thought of sex, not that you're too tired for it because he does nothing.

Agree that counselling sounds wise. And exercise. Definitely exercise.

This sort of thing might be helpful too Warwick? (Basically reconnect slowly - don't just try to leap into bed every day with the goal of full sex right away, as it could just lead to frustration.)

I wouldn't be surprised if he never masturbated. Many people completely shut their own sex drive down when sex has been taken off the table by their partner. It's less painful for them that way.

What happens if you do manage to conceive, OP? Do you plan to maintain your libido so this situation doesn't arise again?

I don't think it would be helpful to try to have sex every day. Trying to increase the level of affection might help, but it has to feel like a genuine attempt to reconnect, not a box ticking exercise.

I actually think a sex ban is one of the best things for relationships stuck like this. You make an agreement that you will absolutely not have sex for at least a month, but you will start to be more affectionate. This starts with non-sexual affection, with a guarantee that it will go no further. Then after about a week or so, you can introduce more intimate touching, but no genital contact. Get naked (keep knickers on if you want) and spend time touching and kissing. When that starts to feel good, you can move on to include genital contact, but still no sex. The point is that you can relax in the knowledge that you can let go and enjoy the contact but know that he will not push or even ask for sex. It needs to be a cast iron guarantee that it will not happen, no matter what! Obviously, trust is vital. It allows you to slow down and get to know each other intimately. Only when you have gone through all of the steps and when YOU feel like you really do want sex, can you lift the ban and go for it.

Your lethargy sounds like it's due to depression. As a pp says, do try the exercise cure - it is truly miraculous

St John's Wort is also a great, and natural, AD. Most prescribed AD in Germany, apparently. Can't get it on prescription here though.

Psychosexual counsellor? There are experts out there for precisely this scenario. The mind can be a tricky customer ; good to enlist the experts to unlock some of its secrets.

Hang on, have you been checked out re lethargy? Thyroid etc? You'll need to get those checks done first.

This is the book I talked about earlier. Just read the "Look Inside" preview.

It was a game changer for me.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00V58R0ZE/

(Would help if I added the link, right? )

Thyroid issues are a possibility, esp. with the tiredness. Ditto anaemia, in fact it could be any one of several medical issues causing your tiredness and low libido.

Do go back and see your GP again,

And vitamin d!