Want to start ttc but I don't want sex

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I wasn't sure if I should post anything but I'm feeling pretty bad about this and could use some advice.

My DH and I decided to start ttc our 2nd child. The problem is that since I got pregnant with our 4 ye old DD I can not stand the thought of sex.

I've gone off it so much that even the idea of it seems exhausting. We have had sex a few times... I'd guess about once every 3-6 months which is more than enough for me. My DH would like us to have more sex but is understanding and doesn't pressure me. (He used to whinge about it a little until I told him that grown men whinging for sex is so unattractive it made me want to sew my vagina shut)

Anyway, I've been rambling. It's all come to a bit of a head now as we both feel ready to have another child and although I'm young my family has a history of very early menopause so time is ticking a bit. How do I get my sex drive up enough to ttc? I want to enjoy it rather than just having it as a means to an end. Thanks for reading.

If you can't afford driving lessons can you afford another child? I'm not trying to be obtuse, I'm just trying to understand a bit better. Also I get the impression that the reasons you give for having a low libido (and therefore not being able to have sex) are things that would get even worse were you to have another baby. You would be more tired and worse off financially than ever.

Do you want to get your sex life back on track or is it just because you want to conceive?

Sorry can't be much help, I'm having the opposite problem... my partner wants us to ttc but wants sex once a month if I'm lucky... can't see it happening tbh...!

I'm also a bit unsure about wanting another child but not being able to afford driving lessons, as the latter is by far the cheaper of the two. I'm a,so a bit unsure about your feeling tired so much to the extent of seeing a doctor, but also then wanting another child, as that's going to add a lot more work to both your plates. In addition, you want a baby but don't want sex. These are all very contradictory

I think maybe you're not actually sure what you want?

I have two children. Couldn't afford driving lessons before I had them. Can't afford them now!

It's not the lessons that's the problem. Is the upkeep of the car

I'm with Sheba and showme. I also really agree with the exercise. It really helps with feeling low and your libido. I would be out the door if I was being treated like your husband is though, no sex in a relationship would be a nooooooo for me. Xxx

There is a great book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski which you might find helpful. It's all about female sexuality but it isn't cringey (like I thought it would be), just factual and eye opening. It talks about the issue of only getting into sex once it has started - and rest assured that is a totally normal way to be - and other issues which can make us feel like our sex drives are low (or wrong... in whatever way).

I also wonder about the comment in your last post that you asked him to help out more around the house. If you don't feel supported in this kind of way, that's a huge turn off, IME and could be contributing. Though it also doesn't help if he starts doing more and you know it's because he expects to get sex out of it! It has to be more from a supportive vibe really.

You seem rather contemptuous of your husband.

I suspect he had to get drunk to raise it. He sounded whiney and you put him back in his box rather brutally.

Bertie it's been 5 years though. I suspect it's deeper than housework when it's been that long.

Cup and syringe works. Plenty of people use that method for various reasons. You don't need piv sex to conceive.

Try and keep the lack of sex with DH as a separate issue from the TTC.

Not necessarily. I think these things do run very deep.

Elspeth I agree 100% with you.

NoFanJoe if DH is not happy about the amount of sex they have, how happy do you think he'll be at the suggestion of collecting his sperm in a cup?! If I were him I would feel utterly used.

The sexlessness issue is not separate from the TTC issue. As posters have said, if you don't want sex with your life partner and don't much care how he feels about this, you need to consider whether having a child by him is a good idea.

If my husband said he would be wanking into a cup so I could conceive his child, the only thing I'd be conceiving would be my exit strategy.

We all accept that we have sex lives where it's about sex and not about conception. In the same way, why should we not be able to think of conception as separate from sex?
Having said that, I think you're probably right. But, I also think that would be the DH using OP's desire for children as leverage to have more sex than the OP desires. That lack of desire really is a separate issue. The amount of sex we want is not linked to how much we want children.

Because OP is not supposed to be using her husband as a sperm donor. He's going to be an equal parent and supposedly partnered with her. There are times for the chicken baster approach, but avoiding sex with the husband you're supposed to be in love with and having a child with is not one of them. Unless he's happy with that too. Which in this case he isn't.

Hi OP

When I had my DS I lost my sex drive completely and me and DH didn't have sex for over 15 months and even then I found it hard to actually desire it.

DS is 2.5 years now and me and DH probably have sex twice a month. When I'm doing it I'm enjoying it but I never really have any urges for it.

I still fancy DH so much, I look at him and feel so attracted to him but the brain signal that turns those feelings about him into sexual desire seems to be missing. I always used to have the higher sex drive out of the two of us so this new found reality is really, really strange.

Last month I decided to stop breast feeding DS and I'm hoping that as my hormones normalise my sex drive will return as well.

You have my sympathies as it's a really emotionally confusing situation to be in

Writerwannabe thank you for your post, that is exactly how I feel. I still fancy him, I look at him and think he is sexually attractive but I just don't actively want to have sex.

The housework thing, it has got better we did only have that discussion six months ago and it's slowly but surely getting better. I have to admit that i do feel like he only does it when I ask and that he sometimes sees it as "I do the washing up and sex will be on the cards" which then makes me not want to have sex because I want him to help because he lives here and it's his mess as much (usually more) than mine not just to get sex. That is something we are trying to work on and I'm trying to be more supportive and nicer in general.

The sex comment o made when he was whinging was a fair few years ago. I only added it to point out that while he used to get a bit pisdy about lack of sex he has been patient been for a long time and I feel like that's why I want to fix this more now than k did back then as I feel (or hope) that he's realised that whinging for sex when I don't want it is hardly a come on and doesn't really make me wanted in a loving way more of a "we haven't done this in a while and you should do it for me because I want it" way.

With regard to the driving lessons. I can't afford them now because dds nursery fees are so high. When she is in school in September it'll be much better and when DH starts his new job the hours will change so childcare wouldn't be a problem in the future.

You have to talk to your DH about this. You need a long-term solution, not a way of tolerating sex in order to get pregnant.
It's not fair on him to not place priority on this area of your relationship. Couples often go through periods of not having much sex but unless both people are happy with that, it's going to cause problems over time.

I think in short OP - you need to address why you no longer want a sexual relationship with your DH before you consider just ttc to have another baby. Otherwise it really might not end well. I'm sure it takes two and there are issues to resolve but I'm also sure that your DH will want to do what he can to fix this. So, maybe a GP visit to check things out, counselling, talking things through, reconnecting, rekindle some romance and renew your long term commitment with DH ...and then think about having another baby? I hope it works out for you!

You have a sexless marriage. If it carries on he will leave and you will have 2 children.

Ask him how often he masturbates. I bet its not once a month or even once a week.

I also suspect its a far bigger problem for him than you think it is but he probably doesn't feel able to discuss it.

I'm sorry to say you sound rather blase about it all - which suggests it wont end well.

I think GP is a good first step to figure anything medical out, then perhaps sex therapy if you think that could help too?

The other thing to consider is that sometimes the more you DTD, the more you want to. I've noticed this a bit over the years, as we've had times where we've lapsed (for various reasons) and it does somehow feel a bit exhausting to get it going again - but once we do it's slowly back to normal.

If I wanted sex with my DH, and his response was something like 'no thanks, I'd rather cut off my cock', I'd be somewhat disheartened.

Just wanted to say you have my empathy and sympathy. I really envy people for whom sex is part of a healthy relationship.

I got pregnant after TTC for a month and I was so pleased because it was done, I struggled to have sex with DP, unfortunately I then miscarried and TTC with gusto for a year after that, it was hard work and ruined our sex life and relationship which sex aside had been VERY good and rewarding, and we still didn't get a baby in the end. We split up. I wrote off the thought of having sex again, unexpectedly ended up with a new DP, a good sex life there but a crap relationship, now over. Time is ticking and it looks like I'm going to end up with no baby. I regret what happened with my Ex DP so much.

I have no advice, apart from to be kind to yourself. If there are issues that need addressing that would be preferable, I can understand that the TTC is clouding the issue though.

Thank you for all the helpful comments.

I did ask him before how much he masturbates and he said that he doesn't. Of course this could be a lie. Or perhaps he would just prefer a bit more sex but not a lot?

We did try to have sex every day at one point but we felt it took the passion away and become a chore. I think I'll try that again but maybe once a week/ fortnight to start and see how that goes.