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Original poster

Want to start ttc but I don't want sex

86 replies

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 03/12/2016 12:41

I wasn't sure if I should post anything but I'm feeling pretty bad about this and could use some advice.

My DH and I decided to start ttc our 2nd child. The problem is that since I got pregnant with our 4 ye old DD I can not stand the thought of sex.

I've gone off it so much that even the idea of it seems exhausting. We have had sex a few times... I'd guess about once every 3-6 months which is more than enough for me. My DH would like us to have more sex but is understanding and doesn't pressure me. (He used to whinge about it a little until I told him that grown men whinging for sex is so unattractive it made me want to sew my vagina shut)

Anyway, I've been rambling. It's all come to a bit of a head now as we both feel ready to have another child and although I'm young my family has a history of very early menopause so time is ticking a bit. How do I get my sex drive up enough to ttc? I want to enjoy it rather than just having it as a means to an end. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 03/12/2016 14:33

I agree with others who say you should not be ttc when you don't actually want to have sex with DH.

you need to address this urgently.
you really must see a relationship counsellor to decide if this marriage is viable or not, before throwing another baby into it.
you don't sound invested in your marriage at all. if feel sorry for DH tbh.
should you not divorce and get a sperm donor, then you can pursue a sex free life?

ElspethFlashman · 03/12/2016 14:53

So you masterbate? Do you enjoy a vibrator?

pinkdonkey · 03/12/2016 15:01

I think those saying OP shouldn't be thinking of ttc with DH are being a bit harsh. Whilst this not being an issue for OP before wanting to ttc possibly indicating deeper problems in the relationship is a valid point, sex is only a small (though important) part of a marriage. You can have a loving, afectionate, supportive relationship without a lot of sex.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 03/12/2016 15:05

sex is only a small (though important) part of a marriage. You can have a loving, affectionate, supportive relationship without a lot of sex.

Hmmm.

DrLockhart · 03/12/2016 15:15

..sex is only a small (though important) part of a marriage. You can have a loving, afectionate, supportive relationship without a lot of sex.

I disagree with this, sex is a very important aspect of many marriages and relationships, without it, there would be no relationship. I don't think it is a small part at all.

Obviously each relationship will differ depending on how often, intmacy, quality of sex etc, but it is still very important to many.

Soubriquet · 03/12/2016 15:17

I agree with the you can have a healthy relationship and no sex yes.

But I don't think it's healthy for the idea of sex with your husband to physically repulse you.

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/12/2016 15:21

sex is only a small (though important) part of a marriage. You can have a loving, afectionate, supportive relationship without a lot of sex.

Only if both partners are happy that way, assuming it's sexless by choice. But if sex is so unimportant, why is infidelity such a big deal? I see a lot of women who have no interest in sex, couldn't care less about it, think it's unimportant, yet would be devastated and furious if their husbands strayed.

In this case, OP is depressed already so another child probably isn't a wise move for that reason alone. I feel sorry for the husband really... expected to live like a monk and accused of whinging and being unattractive if he tries to talk to his wife about it. Even though she's clearly not attracted to him whatever he does or doesn't do.

Branleuse · 03/12/2016 15:26

the word for a loving affectionate supportive relationship without sex, is friendship

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/12/2016 15:27

I'll just repeat something I said earlier.... I honestly believe exercise is the most underrated antidepressant and aphrodisiac that there is. I know how hard it can be when you're already tired and low, really I do, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and the better you feel. I can't function these days without a good cardio workout a few times a week. It improves my mood,my libido and my body confidence.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/12/2016 15:28

Going to stick my neck out here and say what you said to your DH is horrible. Why does your DH have to shut down his own feelings and wishes when you don't? So if he tells you how he feels about sex you're just going to say he's unattractive? I find that very sad indeed.

Sex is how babies are made...and if your relationship with your DH is that bad then maybe you shouldn't be having more children together.

growapear · 03/12/2016 15:40

Agree with ShowMe if my wife treated me the way you seem to have been treating your husband, I'd have one foot out the door. I realise there is nothing you can do about it, and it is sad, however he shouldn't be told that wanting to have sex with his wife makes him "unattractive".

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/12/2016 15:40

ShowMePotatoSalad, I agree. If my husband had no interest in sex with me, I'd be very hurt. But if he also told me I was an unattractive whinger for trying to discuss it, and didn't seem to care about my needs, I'd be convinced he didn't love me. Not necessarily because he didn't want sex, but because he wouldn't seem to care that I was hurt or have any interest in trying to work together to a solution. I couldn't condemn someone who was unfaithful in those sorts of circumstances.

DrLockhart · 03/12/2016 15:41

the word for a loving affectionate supportive relationship without sex, is friendship

^^this

olddogsnewtricks · 03/12/2016 15:43

I would really suggest you read "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski - really helped me understand libido and frequent lack of it and has some really good advice for getting it back.

pasanda · 03/12/2016 15:43

Why are you so 'exhausted' and therefore using this as a reason not to have sex.

You have a 4 year old. Not a newborn. Surely, he/she can't be that exhausting Confused

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/12/2016 15:43

Oh yes...but if he came back and said he wanted sex now because he wanted a baby, I'd feel like a brood mare on top of everything else. If I met someone who actually seemed to love and sexualise me in those conditions, I'm not sure how obligated I'd feel to my marriage.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/12/2016 15:46

Sheba I completely agree. But you just know that if he was unfaithful everyone would blame him.

I'm not saying anyone should have sex to keep someone happy. At all. But you can't shut someone's feelings down like that. He probably feels he can't say anything now for fear of pushing the OP even further away.

The issue here is not about how to get your libido up, OP. It's about how to mend your relationship and build bridges with your husband again. In all honesty after what you said you'd said, I think you will need to work hard to regain his trust. As it stands I feel like your only concern is having a baby, and getting your libido up just enough for you to tolerate sleeping with him, then once the deed is done and you are pregnant, you will go back to square one. You can't use someone like that.

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/12/2016 15:54

Yes, if he was unfaithful he'd be crucified. But while I don't condone affairs, I see a huge difference between a serial shagger cruising Ashley Madison while his exhausted wife breastfeeds their six week old, and a person who has been shut out for both sex and any discussion about it (and whose only child is four).

And I agree again with ShowMe that it really is just using the guy to want to be able to tolerate sex to get his sperm.

clarr · 03/12/2016 15:57

OP, depression kills sex drive. I suggest you treat your depression and see if that helps. Some antidepressants decrease sex drive - but not all of them. I believe duloxetine is less likely to impact sex drive, as is bupropion, although bupropion isn't licensed as an AD in this country, psychiatrists can still prescribe it though. A chat with your GP may help. They might also check your iron levels, thyroid and so on to make sure there aren't other causes.

Otherwise there are other ways to treat depression including:

  • CBT: you can ask your GP to refer you, it is very helpful for many people
  • exercising regularly even if you don't feel like it, nothing mad but just getting up your heart rate for 20 mins or so
  • making a list of activities you enjoy (or used to enjoy), I.e. Hot bath with bubbles/bath bomb, reading a few chapters of a feel good novel. If you struggle for ideas try to remember what you enjoyed before children. You need to see it as a 'medicinal activity' and do them regularly regardless of if you think you'll enjoy it or not, you may surprise yourself
  • trying to eat healthy, to stop sugar lows and highs, but still allowing treats
  • engage socially with friends, isolation is a vicious circle with depression.

I do all these things religiously to control my mood, it gets easier after a few (ok several) months.

Hope you find a way forward Flowers

Original poster
WarwickDavisAsPlates · 03/12/2016 16:02

Just want to clear up the "whinging" thing. He was whinging, not trying to discus it. He was drunk and talking in an annoying voice like a toddler when they want ice cream before dinner. The decision to come off anti depressants stemmed from an actual discussion where I told him I thought they were making me too tired and lowering my libido but I'd only come off them if he could be a bit more helpful around the house as I was often feeling more stressed at home.

I don't know why I'm still so tired, I've been to the gp about it and they were very unhelpful. Basically making a lot of lifestyle suggestions that are impossible for me to do eg: learn to drive so I don't have to walk everywhere/ get more rest/ take time off work.

Tbh apart from the Sex thing we do have a good relationship. Although I have taken on board the point a lot of you made about ttc not being the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
WarwickDavisAsPlates · 03/12/2016 16:04

Thank you Clarr those are really good suggestions.

I used to be a real book work before DD so that could help and I'll talk to the gp about different ADs.

OP posts:
Hairyhat · 03/12/2016 16:06

I think people are misinterpreting your post. I found soya milk greatly improved my libido. It also helps with lubrication. Try cutting milk out and drinking soya milk for 2 weeks

NicknameUsed · 03/12/2016 16:13

"Basically making a lot of lifestyle suggestions that are impossible for me to do eg: learn to drive so I don't have to walk everywhere/ get more rest/ take time off work."

Have you really thought through the advice that you have been given? You seem to have pooh-poohed these ideas without thinking about them.

Is there really no option to learn to drive?

teachergirl2011 · 03/12/2016 16:16

I went off sex completely with my Husband we didn't have any sex for 5 years. Couldn't stand him touching me.
Been with my new partner 5 years and we can't keep our hands off each other.
Says a lot really if you don't want sex.

Original poster
WarwickDavisAsPlates · 03/12/2016 16:19

Until DD is in school I can't afford driving lessons. The doctors suggestions all seemed to based on me having more help with DD than I do or having much more money.

DH is looking to get a different job though that would give us a lot more money and give me a lot more help. So I think when that finally gets sorted things will improve for me a lot.

OP posts:
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