OH F**K MY DH HAS JUST LEFT ME- Hope there's someone to talk to

[ohsmellyjelly]

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OSJ, have been following your thread. Would just like to say that things are very unlikely to be purely your fault. In your early posts you say things haven't been right between you for some time. Doesn't your dh acknowledge this? A relationship takes two people, and needs working at. It is worth considering Relate. Even if you have to ask dh to come with you to sort out how you are dealing with this (that is, he will be helping you as an individual, as a couple and as a family, to get through a difficult time.)

Hopefully you can work through this and some through the other side stronger. Sometimes the counselling leads to a couple deciding that they don't wish to be together, but to find ways to part on far better terms than they otherwise would have done.

I wish you all the best for a positive outcome that is right for you all.

I believe that as long as you still care about each other, there is always the possibility of re-kindling that spark. Can't you get your Mum to have your dc for the weekend and have some time to yourselves? That is probably most of all what you need both right now. I would go out for a date and try not to talk about all the heavy and negative stuff. Go and see a film so you have a light topic of conversation to discuss afterwards and start trying to re-establish your intimacy. It might feel forced to start with, but you have to start somewhere... If he's going to stick around until you're better, you might as well use the time to see if you can make it work.

Get him to go to Relate with you (for you, if that's how he wants to see it). I dragged dh along to a course when we were arguing loads and, even though he was very skeptical at the time, he has said in the last few months that he think he learnt a lot from it. Men don't believe in this sort of counselling and don't like talking about their problems, but if you are both prepared to try, then it can be really beneficial. At the end of the day, although you did something rather foolish, you have not been unfaithful and I think that says a lot for where your commitments really lie.

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I think it's hugely unfair for him to blame you if this is the case.
It takes 2 to make things work. If he didn't even come to bed with you then it's hardly your fault if things aren't happening in the bedroom.
I find it interesting that you've talked to someone about the sex issue, but he doesn't find the relationship a big enough thing to get help with.
It sounds like he could also make more effort to get things back on track.
After dd2 was born I don't seem to have much sex drive, but dh has been patient and understanding, though a bit frustrated, and I have tried to be understanding to his needs and make an effort even if I'm tired and don't really want to, and it's usually pretty good and well worth the effort.

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Poor you.
That is a long time to go without. I think my dh would die. 3 days and he thinks it's been a long time.
Perhaps that can be discussed during relate. Sex isn't the be all and end all but it is important. Do you ever just cuddle, or kiss, or mess about?
I think the intimacy is the key really. If the intimacy is neglected it can be hard to get back to the physical side. It sounds sad to say you should try to remember to kiss and cuddle, but I think that's what it comes down to.
I am always more in the mood when I've been cuddled, and snuggled on the settee to watch a film or something.
Even just stroking hair or holding hands, little things.
How are you feeling in yourself lately?

Hello! Only just caught up on today's postings (dh is working away, dd has turned into a devil child... but that's a whole other thread !)

Men and counselling - never the twain shall meet, eh? Agree with Mumpbump and if he's willing to go along "for your sake" then use that as the lever.

As for dh blaming you for the situation, the letter was only a catalyst that has forced both of you to face up to problems that were already there in the relationship and that is a shared responsibility. You've both been without sex/physical intimacy for three years, and BOM is right about the knock-on effects that can come about from a general lack of intimacy in the relationship. It's what makes the difference between being a loving couple and living like brother & sister. It's easy to fall out of the habit of being intimate with one another but it is something that can be reintroduced if you feel it would be right for you both.

So glad to hear that your second opinion GP was more sympathetic than the first. As said yesterday, I found AD's really helpful and hope that you feel the same benefit. Just to warn you, one of the side effects for me was rediscovering a lapsed sex drive which resulted in dh actually hiding from me on occasion for fear I would pounce (happy days !!!). Not suggesting that with things as they are you'll be in exactly the same position, but if combined with counselling, it may help?

Still thinking of you, Chicken, and will keep checking the thread to see how things are.

Hi MM.

OSJ.
You said he suggested you go to your mum's on your own for a few days to recoup.
Does it have to be your mum's???
Can you afford to go to a hotel, or even better, a spa or something where you can totally relax and be pampered???
Or a friends house???
Just an idea.
Then perhaps after some counseling and time, you can find a babysitter and both go for the night.

Ohh, that BOM is good!!! Don't know how feasible her idea is OSJ but would be great if do-able.

Wish I could afford a weekend at the spa. hhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. . . . .
Sorry, drifted off into a daydream then.

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Oh OSJ, you sound so low. Would be devastated if you felt unable to seek support via MN, even if I can't be of any help. Please stay.

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OSJ, you're being so hard on yourself. You may have done something daft but you're human, not superwoman. That you've been to Relate before is a clear indication that there were already problems with the relationship and even if dh is a nice guy (and if he's reading this, that's the impression that I've been left with) you can't force your feelings. Having looked back at some of your postings, I do wonder how you'll be feeling in a couple of weeks when AD's begin to kick in.

On a practical level, is dh still around or has he left you with dc?

(((hugs)))

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