I had what anyone would think was a normal, happy childhood. Yet I have been diagnosed as an adult with attachment disorder, depression and phobias. I have memories of mainly emotional and (some) physical abuse which does not match any of the recollections of my parents.
One of the main things I recall from my childhood is my mother deliberately frightening me as a toddler and throughout childhood. If she knew that something frightened me, it seemed like she would cause it to happen, then shame me when I had a frightened, panic attack or anxious response to it. As I got older I used to challenge her and she would laugh - "why would I do that to you? I'm your mother." But she would do it over and over again until I had to try very hard to pretend it didn't frighten me anymore, just so she would stop doing it. I just dealt with the feelings of terror / helplessness by myself, turned them inward and dissociated.
This was very hard to understand and very confusing as a child. It's hard to believe that your own mother wants to cause you fear and emotional pain, so you and everyone else put it down to something else, or a series of accidents or crossed wires. And I have always thought that maybe I was mistaken? Or maybe I was just an overly sensitive child who needed to toughen up, or "get a grip" as my mother would say.
This has all come to a head today when I had one of those experiences where everything dawns on you at once : I watched my mother deliberately frightening my own child until she was shaking and crying and trying to run away. Neither of them could see that I was watching, but I saw the whole thing. When DD did get away, saw me and came running to me, my mother appeared and told me that my DD had got herself into the situation and that she wasn't able to stop her, despite her best efforts.
This is not true, as I watched the whole thing. My mother created it all, and was fascinated watching my dd's fear response and repeating it to get a further reaction. I confronted my mother and she told me again that I was mistaken, that she would never do anything to scare DD. My DF came later too and said I was ridiculous for accusing my DM of something like that. But I know I was not mistaken. I know what I saw with my adult eyes.
Obviously I am not going to let her be alone with my DD again. Of course my DD is my main concern here and I know what to do to protect her, but the help I'm looking to get from you is about me.
Why would my mother do this? I have no doubt she loves me and DD in her own way, so why would she do this? She was a perfectly good mother in most other respects.
What kind of effect is that likely to have had on a child (me?)
What can I do to help myself get over my phobias and anxiety now I know that this sort of behaviour was the cause and that they didn't just happen because I am not "tough enough" as a person.