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Depressed DH - when to call it a day?
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ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 25/11/2016 14:07

This is really hard for me to articulate and I’ve tried to change some of the more identifying details, if you recognize me, please don’t out me.
My DH is depressed and I don’t know how much more I can handle it. We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5. He has one DS with an ex who is nearly 18. I have no DC.
DH has been on anti-depressants for over 3 years but is still the most miserable person I know. I know they aren’t a ‘cure’ but I honestly can’t see any difference. He refuses to go back to the doctor. Won’t go for counselling. Nothing ever makes him happy, he recently changed job that he tried to sell to me as the ‘answer to most of his problems’, well surprise, it isn’t. He’s now looking at other jobs with a significant salary drop – when I asked how we would manage, he went off on a strop. It’s so draining living with someone who has a face like a wet weekend, never wants to do anything or go anywhere.
We never have sex, been over 18 months now. If i bring it up, he accuses me of not being supportive. He also has another health issue that he doesn’t take seriously and has been hospitalized twice in the last year for. Life feels like a constant slog, I’m doing everything at home housework wise, paying for the majority of bills, always the one who organises everything to do with the house, extended family etc.                      
I’m tired of it. I feel like we’re more like flatmates and I certainly wouldn’t choose to live with someone who is so lazy and miserable. I know that’s really selfish of me but I’m now on anti-anxiety tablets myself and the root cause is him. I honestly feel like he uses depression as a ‘get out of jail’ free card, an excuse for everything. How long is reasonable to put up with it before suggesting we part ways? I look and it him sometimes and feel angry and frustrated at how miserable he’s making me. Reading this back, I realize how selfish I sound but I don’t know what to do anymore. Can I give him an ultimatum or is that unsupportive too?

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MidnightVelvetthe7th · 25/11/2016 14:11

You're not being selfish, your feelings are as valid as his. It sounds exhausting.

A relationship ends when you want it to end.

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BlueFolly · 25/11/2016 14:12

You can leave at any time you want to, for any reason. I don't think you sound selfish at all, and even if you did, who cares?! You only have one life.

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cestlavielife · 25/11/2016 14:13

He refuses to go back to the doctor. Won’t go for counselling.

so you make an ultimatum - he addresses his mental health by going back and seeking counselling or he lives elsewhere.

read depression fallout. you have it.

you can be supportive, if he does his bit.

it seems he can get himself to work? so he can choose to go to get help via gp/counselling/therapy. or he can choose not to - consequence is you move out or he does.

meanwhile look after yourself, see a counsellor yourself, take up a hobby, make new friends.

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bibbitybobbityyhat · 25/11/2016 14:18

I think it is time for you to call it a day now. You sound utterly ground down by it all. You have done your best for years and should be commended for it. Try not to feel guilty, although I know that's hard.

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ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 25/11/2016 14:19

Thanks for the replies. I'm considering using the employee assistance program at work for some counselling. I still love him but don't know if I'm IN love with him anymore. Oh he can go to work and manage to go to his hobby every couple of weeks but won't consider it if it's something I want to do.
I was thinking of telling him he has six months to do something about his mental health or we'll be splitting. I'm worried his family and him will think I'm emotionally blackmailing him.

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MidnightVelvetthe7th · 25/11/2016 14:21

What happens when you try & tell him how you feel?

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galaxygirl45 · 25/11/2016 14:28

What his family think is irrelevant - they're not living with him. Could you possibly approach one of them to talk this through? I think it's a natural part of marriage that one of you often needs more support than the other, and bad things happen but to be like this for over 3 years sounds like torture to be honest, and if he won't acknowledge that things need to change then sadly you have little hope. Life really is too short to be unhappy, and you both are. The trouble with anti-depressants too is that they just seem to "coat" your nerves and put you into a state of apathy about life, I took them for 4 months and can't tell you what a zombie I was. There are lots of better alternatives such as exercise, counselling, diet etc that he could be trying if he wanted to.

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ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 25/11/2016 14:29

He tells me that he can't deal with my problems as well as his own, that I don't understand how debilitating depression is and that just because he has an occasional good day doesn't mean he is cured.
He complains I'm always pressurizing him for sex which is making it even more difficult for him (!). I was attending to myself one night and he rolled over and told me to go in the other room.

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ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 25/11/2016 14:31

galaxygirl one of DSIL's knows and is always telling me to look after myself but I fear she is in the minority.

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Peakyblinder · 25/11/2016 14:32

Well I sort of see his point there ? Wouldnt you do that privately rather then right next to him ? Shock

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MidnightVelvetthe7th · 25/11/2016 14:33

Its not working for either of you, don't worry about his family and what they think, its not important.

Your decision is whether to just leave or whether to discuss it with him & give it one more try then leave if it doesn't improve.

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WrongTrouser · 25/11/2016 14:35

Relationships are a two way process, they don't work if one party is making no effort. It doesn't sound like he is taking any responsibility for the effect of his state of mind on you, and it doesn't sound like he is supportive of you. You don't sound at all selfish. It is not emotional blackmail to say that you do not want to carry on living like this. I wouldn't worry about what he and his family will think (easy to say, of course). You do not need to sacrifice your happiness in life for someone else. There is a huge difference between supporting someone who is unwell through a difficult time, and being made miserable by someone who is unwilling to seek help to change.

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ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 25/11/2016 14:35

peakyblinder meh, maybe, but then I could just move into the spare room permanently and create even more distance. I thought he was asleep to be fair.

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ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 25/11/2016 14:36

What I want his to give him some kind of wake up call and try to fix it. I just don't know what the best way to go about it is.

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DoinItFine · 25/11/2016 14:37

You get one life.

You have already wasted far too much of it in this miserable relationship.

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MagicChanges · 25/11/2016 14:38

Do you know the root of this depression - and when did it start? What was he like before he became depressed - is he an introverted character or was he more out going.

I have mixed feelings about your post because I suffer from depression and it's intermittent - can be severe and I hide under the duvet for most of the day sometimes. However once it's passed (as mercifully it does) I am ok again. Trouble is I never know when it will strike again but I have learned to live around it and and have a very supportive DP. I know depression takes different forms, but I think your DH's must be mild if he can still work and follow his hobby. It sounds like his depression is chronic and low level - he could see the GP again - there are many ADs to try and another might help. However he could also try counselling (though I know men don't like this usually) and diet and exercise play a part of course. He needs to know how you feel and do something to try to help himself.

As for leaving - as others have said, that's your call and nothing to do with his family.

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WrongTrouser · 25/11/2016 14:39

Antidepressants are really helpful for some people with depression but are not one size fits all. If he is depressed, one type might not help, but another type might, or he might need a different dose. But he would need to go back to his GP to discuss that...

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ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 25/11/2016 14:41

magicchanges He was the life and soul of the party before. I think his DMum passing away had a lot to do with it. If I ask him, he can't really pinpoint it but it also falls into the same time frame of us getting a mortgage. Money is tight but we manage.

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winterinmadeira · 25/11/2016 14:44

You're not being selfish at all - it's self preservation. You've tried and been very understanding but he hasn't helped himself. You're not happy and that's the only reason you need.

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WrongTrouser · 25/11/2016 14:55

"attending to myself"

Steady on missus

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ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 25/11/2016 14:57

18 months is a long time to go without....it was over a year before that....

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OohhThatsMe · 25/11/2016 15:04

I'd call it a day.

Living together isn't making either of you happy. He's functioning well enough, it's just when you want to do anything (even something that should bring him pleasure, he doesn't want to do it.

He is sucking the joy out of your life, OP.

If you leave, hopefully that will give him the impetus to go back to the doctor and sort himself out. There's no point you telling him to go back to the doctor - he's not going because you're the one saying it. He needs to feel it himself and recognise that his depression has caused the end of his marriage.

You will feel as though you're on holiday afterwards, I promise.

(And no, of course I'm not saying that all depressed people should be left, but this guy has drained their marriage of all happiness - now it's the OP's turn to see whether she can be happier alone.)

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cestlavielife · 25/11/2016 15:36

Six months?
. He could go see gp next week.
Don't give such a long time line
New year new start

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ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 25/11/2016 15:43

How long do you think I should give him to do something about it?

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pointythings · 25/11/2016 16:56

I used to be you - DH with depression, life miserable. The difference was my DH went for help. And when one thing didn't work, he tried another. In the end he got bereavement counselling through CRUSE (free, it's a charity, you can donate but don't have to) and it transformed him. Your H could do this too.

Yes, he is depressed, but he has a responsibility to work on his own health and he has a responsibility to you as his wife. As if often said on this forum, mental illness is not an excuse to behave like an arse.

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