Depressed DH - when to call it a day?

[ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace]

This is really hard for me to articulate and I’ve tried to change some of the more identifying details, if you recognize me, please don’t out me.
My DH is depressed and I don’t know how much more I can handle it. We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5. He has one DS with an ex who is nearly 18. I have no DC.
DH has been on anti-depressants for over 3 years but is still the most miserable person I know. I know they aren’t a ‘cure’ but I honestly can’t see any difference. He refuses to go back to the doctor. Won’t go for counselling. Nothing ever makes him happy, he recently changed job that he tried to sell to me as the ‘answer to most of his problems’, well surprise, it isn’t. He’s now looking at other jobs with a significant salary drop – when I asked how we would manage, he went off on a strop. It’s so draining living with someone who has a face like a wet weekend, never wants to do anything or go anywhere.
We never have sex, been over 18 months now. If i bring it up, he accuses me of not being supportive. He also has another health issue that he doesn’t take seriously and has been hospitalized twice in the last year for. Life feels like a constant slog, I’m doing everything at home housework wise, paying for the majority of bills, always the one who organises everything to do with the house, extended family etc.

I’m tired of it. I feel like we’re more like flatmates and I certainly wouldn’t choose to live with someone who is so lazy and miserable. I know that’s really selfish of me but I’m now on anti-anxiety tablets myself and the root cause is him. I honestly feel like he uses depression as a ‘get out of jail’ free card, an excuse for everything. How long is reasonable to put up with it before suggesting we part ways? I look and it him sometimes and feel angry and frustrated at how miserable he’s making me. Reading this back, I realize how selfish I sound but I don’t know what to do anymore. Can I give him an ultimatum or is that unsupportive too?

His meltdown
Don't make yourself responsible for his behaviour

He needs to tell gp the tablets aren't tight for him
His tablets
His mental health

OP you could have been me 5-6 yrs ago, down to the seeing to myself scenario as well.
We are still together, although it was a close run thing. It took 2 major 'cards on the table' events for my DP to take it seriously. He too refused to ask for any help at all, he could manage work and his hobbies but was basically a miserable git ( I'm not talking behind his back - I've called him this to his face). I think in part his state of mind was a habit - that may sound cruel and superficial but he was fully aware that he was a shit to live with, that others would have asked for help but he just couldn't be arsed to sort himself out. Things improved a little after the 1st cards on the table but gradually returned to the bad within about 6 months. On the second occasion he suggested to going to Relate, which was totally inappropriate but I agree as it was something. The Relate counsellor was great and challenged both of us. He still refused to seek help but really got his act together ( which is why I continue to think, that for my DP at least, there is an element of learnt behaviour ). My DP knows that I will leave if I feel things getting bad again and he refuses to seek help. I refuse to have treatment for someone else's depression ever again.
Cards on the table - action within the week - full support. Avoid telling him he's got to go the GP - his depression, his choice. Because if it doesn't work, he'll blame you. If no action - separation as you have to The Right to good health and he is preventing that.

But if you tell him 6 months he'll do nothing , you'll just get more ground down . You could phrase it so that it doesn't cause a meltdown, I want you to go to the gp and get the ball rolling next week.

In the mean time, you are in real danger of a meltdown and he doesn't give a shiney shite about that. Why do you value yourself so little? Because it's all ground you down. don't loose your fight and give up. This does not have to be your life, or his.

My dh has mh health issues, there is a difference between support and enabling. I am totally happy to support him when needed but there's no way I'm putting up with shitty behaviour if he is not making any effort to try to address his mh or ignores me when I highlight the red flags that things are looking like he's heading for a fall. I accept there are ups and downs, as long as he is doing his best. Your dh is doing nothing at all.

I've had serious MH problems; I've had a dear long term relationship end due to it.
He has to take responsibility for his own illness. He has to want to get better, and to fight for it by attending appointments and seeking help.
If he doesn't do that, you will be dragged down with him. And that isn't fair on you.

I think MagicChanges is right

A change of antidepressents may help if his are ineffectual. It took years for my dad to get the AD he needed (augmented with Lithium)

As a disclaimer, I have serious chronic health problems, including depression. I see that "in sickness and in health" bit must really be covered by love. When I can't get out of bed, or go to work, or am in hospital, and can still be kind, loving, grateful and generous to my DH who is yet again picking up my slack. I'm not easy to live with but I try so hard not to be selfish on top of ill as much as I can - I am human and flawed in this.
I'm not denying that your DH is unwell but this: won't consider it if it's something I want to do
and this: he can't deal with my problems as well as his own
are selfishness problems, not mental health problems. You're my age - and I would hate this. If he 'behaves' to stop you leaving, what happens when he thinks the crisis is over?
You've invested enough time and thankless energy: you don't need his permission to end it.

Thanks everyone for the replies.
I'm going to sit him down later this morning. My self-worth is pretty much non-existent although I don't think I can lay 100% of the blame at his feet. Time to start living and not just existing. I've decided to go out tonight with a group of old friends that I had initially said no to.

Good luck!

Going out and connecting with friends is a great idea, hope you have a good night.

OP - I think in your heart of hearts, you want to leave. You want the burden of misery lifting out of your life - to be able to wake up and not have that heavy heart, every single day, because of your husband.

OP - you can leave. Just do it. You have identified the cause of so much unhappiness in your life - now remove yourself from this situation. Take control. Gently tell your husband that you have done everything you could. You don't need a row, but a loving conversation with the person who is dear to you but no longer a life partner.

Guilt is a strange thing - it stops us doing what is good for us but also, sometimes, what's good for others. Your husband will have to get better if you're not there to prop his life. His family might object but will no doubt secretly know it's no big surprise that you leave. And from the emotional safety of your new life on your own, you may still - if you want - choose to give him some support.

This is not easy, but you can do it. You know it's the only way for you to have your life back.

Yes, if you want to leave you can!

OP
I went through this and his depression broke me. Eventually I ended the marriage and it was the best thing. He didn't care about anything near the end & left me emotionally and financially wrecked. Now I've moved on and I'm happier than I've ever been.

Others don't see what happens behind closed doors, you have to look after yourself as ( like I found out) the chances are when you hit rock bottom he won't care...

I spent 8 years living with someone exactly like this. Severe depression but wouldn't ever really confront it or deal with it. It's soul destroying, everything sounds the same. I left in the end, I couldn't take it anymore. After that he got significantly better because it was a total wake up call. If I hadn't ended up despising him so much we might have been able to re-kindle something. I gave endless ultimatums that didn't really work. He feels safe and doesn't need to make any changes and it's SO complicated because of guilt from both sides I would imagine.
I would consider an actual break from each other, I wish I had done it sooner and maybe we could have salavaged something but in the end total contempt took over.

but in the end total contempt took over.

This is what led me to really push my DH to make changes. It was very close to an ultimatum and it led to some conversations that weren't pretty, but I was starting to feel contempt towards my DH and recognised at once that it was the beginning of the end. Give it that last serious push, but if your DH does not act on that you should really take that as all the reason you need to leave - you will end up poisoning your own heart otherwise and it isn't a nice feeling.

OP nothing wrong with attending to yourself in your own bed I don't get why people are so bloody prudish about it and your DH should suck that one up quite frankly.

Look there are two things that keep a ltr going, kindness and a similar libido. Doesn't sound like either of those are working. If you want to give it a last shot by all means do but honestly you sound so sad and alone you may as well go solo (I did and I love it)

Cut and run. If he isn't trying to help
Himself after this time then just get on with your life. You don't owe him anything.

Years ago I was in a very similar relationship. He was an absolutely wonderful man but so selfish. He refused to get any help for his severe depression and I wasn't prepared to accept that. He too pulled himself together for his work, his hobby and his friends. I was left with nothing.

I can still remember the relief of those first few months after I ended it. I hadn't realised how anxious I was with him and how frequently I stopped myself being unhappy, because it was inappropriate when he was so down

Don't waste time with ultimatums. If was going to change, he would have done so by now. I suspect he might just make an effort temporarily and then over months slip back. You'll be stuck. Don't waste more of your life. He will be ok. Only he can decide to fight for himself.

Stopped myself being *happy

No, you should get out.

Papa is right, mine could get up and go to work and go to the pub after work. Couldn't do anything I wanted, including very important things like having a family. The only hope is if you leave and he might genuinely realise that your not just going to constantly be there for him and he might do something about it. It still makes me really very angry that actually I wasted all of my "young" years on someone who couldn't (wouldn't) help himself. And now he's doing just fine! people can only help themselves and if they're not prepared to it will destroy you.

And yes ultimatums are a total waste of time unless you genuinely think you can go through with the consequence

Nothing wrong with your feelings and I have a lot of sympathy, but please knock the 'attending to yourself' while lying next to your partner on the head. It is a disrespectful thing to do with someone else in the bed.

Re ultimatums - agreed, you have to be prepared to follow through. I had found a number of affordable rental places, worked out what I could get in tax credits for the DDs, had my incomings and outgoings all worked out, knew I could go it without DH. And showed him.

He chose his family over his illness, fortunately.

"Life feels like a constant slog, I’m doing everything at home housework wise, paying for the majority of bills, always the one who organises everything to do with the house, extended family etc."

Two thoughts - 1) why are you paying for the majority of the bills, he works doesn't he? and 2) why are you doing all the housework?

Because that sounds like a very cushy life for him. No incentive to change. He gets to shirk all responsibility, still gets to do his hobbies, whilst his skivvy cooks and cleans and pays the bills.