Depressed DH - when to call it a day?

[ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace]

This is really hard for me to articulate and I’ve tried to change some of the more identifying details, if you recognize me, please don’t out me.
My DH is depressed and I don’t know how much more I can handle it. We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5. He has one DS with an ex who is nearly 18. I have no DC.
DH has been on anti-depressants for over 3 years but is still the most miserable person I know. I know they aren’t a ‘cure’ but I honestly can’t see any difference. He refuses to go back to the doctor. Won’t go for counselling. Nothing ever makes him happy, he recently changed job that he tried to sell to me as the ‘answer to most of his problems’, well surprise, it isn’t. He’s now looking at other jobs with a significant salary drop – when I asked how we would manage, he went off on a strop. It’s so draining living with someone who has a face like a wet weekend, never wants to do anything or go anywhere.
We never have sex, been over 18 months now. If i bring it up, he accuses me of not being supportive. He also has another health issue that he doesn’t take seriously and has been hospitalized twice in the last year for. Life feels like a constant slog, I’m doing everything at home housework wise, paying for the majority of bills, always the one who organises everything to do with the house, extended family etc.

I’m tired of it. I feel like we’re more like flatmates and I certainly wouldn’t choose to live with someone who is so lazy and miserable. I know that’s really selfish of me but I’m now on anti-anxiety tablets myself and the root cause is him. I honestly feel like he uses depression as a ‘get out of jail’ free card, an excuse for everything. How long is reasonable to put up with it before suggesting we part ways? I look and it him sometimes and feel angry and frustrated at how miserable he’s making me. Reading this back, I realize how selfish I sound but I don’t know what to do anymore. Can I give him an ultimatum or is that unsupportive too?

Sounds to me like he is using his depression to opt out. You sound very unhappy. That is sufficient reason to think about leaving. Your mental health and wellbeing are being impacted negatively.

You should not be making appointments for him for the GP or counselling. By all means speak with him, however I imagine you have done that over the years. Do you think this time it is going to make any difference, do you think he would go to the appointment(s) you make?

The person he was has gone and is not coming back.

The choice is whether you want to live with the person he seems to be now.

Nick5846: A really bad idea to put your mobile number on the thread. Reported.

I also think that you leaving could be the motivation he needs to sort himself out. There is zero point on booking him a counselling session or insisting he goes, you can lead a horse to water but unless he actually wants to engage fully in counselling rather than just going through the motions and paying lip service to shut you up, then it will just be a waste of his and the counsellors time.

Fwiw I strongly believe GPs should not prescribe antibiotics for mild/moderate depression until someone has tried properly counselling/CBT first. So much easier to passively pop a pill each day than to actually take a long hard look at your shit though! If someone is severely unwell then that's different, but it should still be as well as therapy rather than instead of.

So many people just sit on antidepressants for years and years, they aren't really meant to be used in that way.

I am in a similar situation to yours - my DP had a breakdown about two years ago and has been depressed ever since. We basically haven't had sex since, he had to leave his job, he has really struggled. I have a high sex drive and have found it really difficult at times to keep supporting him and to deal with my own issues of feeling very rejected and unwanted and unattractive.

BUT - my DP has done everything he can to try and sort himself out. He went for CBT and is now signed up for psychotherapy, is in contact with his GP and sees him regularly regarding his meds, has started meditating, has tried to cut down on the anti-depressants because he wanted us to get a sex life back (but then had to up them again because he wasn't ready to cut down.) He tries his hardest to meet all my emotional needs even if he can't do anything about the physical side at the moment, and more than pulls his weight in the house. He has also somehow managed to find another job and keep earning money even though it's hard for him even to get out of bed in the mornings.

I'm only in my early thirties, also much too young to give up on a sex life - and I want children - but I'm willing to wait for my DP because I know he is trying as hard as he can to get better. If he refused even to go and see the GP I would have left a long time ago.

You are not responsible for your husband's mental health and happiness - he is.

Trifleorbust? Wtaf? Since when did having a wank/sorting yourself out become disrespectful?? What is the OP supposed to do? Knock one out in the toilet?

Re: depression
There is a good book called Healing without Freud and Prozac.
Here is some research about how magnesium can help too.
B vitamins are essential too.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16542786
Anti-depressants do not really get to the bottom of anything and have side effects. Counselling, exercise, yoga, mindfulness, diet can all help a great deal.

I am sorry it has been so difficult for you ByallMeans.

I've been nursing a hangover most of the day and reading all the replies.

We've actually had a really good day today. He's been bringing me tea and toast on the sofa without being prompted and made me a hot water bottle because I'm having bad period pains. He must know something is up because he gave me a cuddle earlier and said ' I know I'm a shit, thanks for being here'. We started to have a chat yesterday afternoon and there were some tears and he admitted that he's not getting on with his tablets and said he would look to asking for something different. I decided that for now, this is a good step. I do really appreciate all the replies, it's been good to just let it out to be honest.

Trifleorbust- couldn't give a flying fig if having a wank in my own bed is 'disrespectful'. I have needs and would prefer not to do it in my DSS's bed

Fwiw I strongly believe GPs should not prescribe antibiotics for mild/moderate depression until someone has tried properly counselling/CBT first. So much easier to passively pop a pill each day than to actually take a long hard look at your shit though! If someone is severely unwell then that's different, but it should still be as well as therapy rather than instead of.

I imagine you meant antidepressants. This would be great if such treatments existed; they are rare as hen's teeth unfortunately.

Anti-depressants do not really get to the bottom of anything and have side effects. Counselling, exercise, yoga, mindfulness, diet can all help a great deal.

Not much help with major depression though.
Usual guff about antidepressants in the last few posts, I notice. They can be lifesavers, and I don't have much patience (having had major depression) for those who say 'don't use those nasty pills, go for a walk instead'. Try saying that to someone with diabetes.

Hope you can work something out, OP. You know your relationship better than anyone. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

I hope this does turn out to be a turning point for him. It sounds as if the real him is still in there somewhere. Only you can decide how long to hang on for. Good luck.

My DH also has diabetes and the amount of different tablets he has to take on a daily basis is a joke, I do feel for him in that respect. With respect to previous posters, I think anti-depressants do work for most people, not a cure, but they do help. The anti-anxiety tablets I've been given do take the edge off somewhat.

To be fair, we could both do with more exercise and DH has been asking me to go swimming with him but I've always said no because I'm too self conscious in a swimming costume.

Glad to hear you've had a good day and that your DH is open to seeking more help.

I agree with Cockacidal, the right antidepressants can be lifesavers and I don't think there is anything passive about admitting you need treatment and getting the medical help you need if depression is making your life and that of your family a misery.

Yes obviously I meant antidepressants, 'twas an autocorrect.

But that's the point though isn't it wrong trouser, the 'medical help' he's receiving is not stopping him making his and OP's life a misery, they're doing bugger all. Like in many cases.

And counselling and CBT are not rare as hens teeth, I am qualified in both and work in an NHS service that gets about 7500 referrals a year so we help plenty of people with depression and anxiety.

And counselling and CBT are not rare as hens teeth, I am qualified in both and work in an NHS service that gets about 7500 referrals a year so we help plenty of people with depression and anxiety.

I've been in the MH system for 8 years as a service user. Believe me, they are hard to get.

What's his diabetes like, OP? If it's running high, he'll be feeling lethargic due to high glucose levels.

And there's a big link between diabetes & depression, as well as erectile dysfunction- perhaps worth exploring gently with him.

Sauvignon very high, extremely difficult to control, they've recently adjusted his mets but he's not very good with remembering to inject.

@ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace how are you getting on? It's been a while since you posted but I am realising I am in a similar boat and wondered what happened. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Hi. Well things have recently come to a head, he had a breakdown at work and is now on some different meds and has started therapy. It almost feels a bit too late but I figure I'm come this far, maybe one more year won't hurt.

That's great. You stayed then? I'm unsure what to do as kids involved and I'd struggle financially on my own

I really hope this is a turning point for you, OP. You've absolutely given it everything if it turns out not to be.

Improvements at my end didn't last long. I found out my H was a major secret drinker and things went wrong from there. I've been a widow since 2018 and life is so much better now.

@papaverorientale That stopping yourself being unhappy really rings a bell. I have a very close friend who is unhappy all the time and i can never say if I am because I feel my worries are too small and, therefore, not valid. Also I can't say when I'm happy because I feel selfish and that I'm rubbing it in. It is exhausting so I can only imagine what having a partner like it would be like.

Yes I stayed. Things were shit for a long time, occasionally improved after a big talk. It wasn't until the last couple of months that he actively went to get therapy and change his meds. The change of tablet has made a massive difference.