Depressed DH - when to call it a day?

[ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace]

This is really hard for me to articulate and I’ve tried to change some of the more identifying details, if you recognize me, please don’t out me.
My DH is depressed and I don’t know how much more I can handle it. We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5. He has one DS with an ex who is nearly 18. I have no DC.
DH has been on anti-depressants for over 3 years but is still the most miserable person I know. I know they aren’t a ‘cure’ but I honestly can’t see any difference. He refuses to go back to the doctor. Won’t go for counselling. Nothing ever makes him happy, he recently changed job that he tried to sell to me as the ‘answer to most of his problems’, well surprise, it isn’t. He’s now looking at other jobs with a significant salary drop – when I asked how we would manage, he went off on a strop. It’s so draining living with someone who has a face like a wet weekend, never wants to do anything or go anywhere.
We never have sex, been over 18 months now. If i bring it up, he accuses me of not being supportive. He also has another health issue that he doesn’t take seriously and has been hospitalized twice in the last year for. Life feels like a constant slog, I’m doing everything at home housework wise, paying for the majority of bills, always the one who organises everything to do with the house, extended family etc.

I’m tired of it. I feel like we’re more like flatmates and I certainly wouldn’t choose to live with someone who is so lazy and miserable. I know that’s really selfish of me but I’m now on anti-anxiety tablets myself and the root cause is him. I honestly feel like he uses depression as a ‘get out of jail’ free card, an excuse for everything. How long is reasonable to put up with it before suggesting we part ways? I look and it him sometimes and feel angry and frustrated at how miserable he’s making me. Reading this back, I realize how selfish I sound but I don’t know what to do anymore. Can I give him an ultimatum or is that unsupportive too?

Thank you pointythings

I'm so miserable. I'm going to ask him over the weekend to speak to someone at cruse

It's up to him OP to do something about it, he clearly does not give a shit how it's impacting on you and that has nothing to do with his depression, he is choosing to do nothing.

I've a lot of friends with depression and anxiety and they all take medication, they would be mortified if they thought they were making any person feel as shit as what he's making you feel, I don't think he actually cares what you think, he seems to be using the depressing as a stick to beat you with and excuse his awful behaviour.

Uugh, I wouldn't put up with it for one more day! Why are you? You are meant to be his wife, not his carer. Seriously, think about how you would feel, if he went away on business for a month. I bet you'd be over the moon and dreading his return. And if that's the case, then you really are better off without him. Telling him will be the hardest thing. I had to have a few glasses of wine, before I blurted out to ExH that it was over. Thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Oh, but the sweet relief!

No sex for 18 months?? Come on!! I think I'd resemble the girl with the spinning neck in the Exorcist, if I'd gone without for that long.

Get him out. And day dream about meeting a lovely, happy sexy Guy and how your life could be, if you pluck up the courage to leave this miserable sod!

huskylover I feel guilty. I don't know why, but I do. He never used to be like this and I keep hoping that one day things will be like they used to.

I am going nuts without sex and to top it off, it's making me feel unattractive. He's not remotely interested in it.

And you are not being selfish, sounds like he is.

Thing is, I always have his family saying 'you're the centre of his world, he'd be nothing with you'. He also says these kind of things to me when we're having a heart to heart (and he says he will try and then nothing changes and then we go back round in a circle)

Well yes, his family say all that, safe in the knowledge that they don't have to deal with it on a daily basis & you are there to sort out his shit!

Once you have gone & they are on the receiving end they may start to see why you left...

Yeah but words are cheap OP, you should always look to actions with regards to how someone treats you and how it makes you feel.

He can say whatever but he's not doing anything.

What would happen if he came home to find you dressed up in a sexy maid's outfit?

I don't get why folk take into account what other folk say who don't even live with the person, what they say is really irrelevant.

Adora I expect he would tell me to get dressed and to stop trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do

He sounds manipulative to me rather than depressed. If he is fully functioning at work and able to do his hobbies then surely he is able to switch it on and switch it off again and that is NOT what depression is like. He sounds like he has checked out & doesn't want to be the bad bugger that splits (leaving that to you) or is just a lazy fecker maybe but depressed? I can't see it, sorry. The fact he is talking about taking a 'lesser' job makes me think lazy. for you OP. This is shit for you.

FFS, you need to sit him down and tell him that unless changes can be made you're done.

It's all about him and his wants, what about yours, he's making you live in a sexless, emotionally devoid relationship but that's ok is it?

I am in a similar situation, sort of.
It's exhausting. I have got to the point that I have said I cannot emotionally support him anymore and we are looking at separation. However we have kids and that's the thing that's holding me back.

I wonder what came first, the depression or the selfish behaviour?

I know many people who have been depressed; and that it is a very selfish illness.

I think when someone stops helping themselves, it's time to go.

How old are you, OP?

I went through something similar with DH. In the end I did issue an ultimatum I told him I was moving out (I meant it and it meant leave my DC as he was primary carer).

It was a week before he asked me to reconsider, I said him doing therapy was a must and that I would give it a couple of years to see if we could make a go of things (the issues had lurked for 5 years)

Things have much improved. However with no DC and a short relationship I'm not sure I'd be inclined to give it as long as I have with DH!!!

It's not about them getting fixed/being better it is the complete absence of trying. I used to cry myself to sleep most nights and H just ignored my pain - forgiveness is a difficult path even when cause by illness.

Sounds like you've already wasted more than enough time on a bad relationship.

I'm 36. He definitely wasn't always this selfish, lazy or miserable. Quite the opposite really.

I think you need to do a bit more before you give up. You say that you have told him to make an appointment for counselling - could you make the appointment and take him there? When you are really depressed, even that might seem impossible.

Look OP - one of the main side effects of some ADs are a loss of libido and so this could well be the problem as far as sex is concerned. He may have lost confidence and worried that he can't get an erection. I honestly think it's more about him than about you. Loss of some sort is almost always at the root of depression, and so the loss of his mum might be the cause. I'm sorry but I think there are many posters who just lack any understanding of depression. As for someone suggesting you dress in a sexy maid's dress - ridiculous.

The ADs I take have had a very deleterious effect on my libido - try as I might but thankfully I have a DP who understands. Added to that the depression itself reduces libido and he's probably going to feel bad about it, knowing he's letting you down. Having said this your DH does need to try to improve his life to some extent and the first stop should be the GP for another AD and mentioning the loss of libido but I know that's probably not what he's willing to do. Maybe you do have to "come on strong" and talk about therapy/seeing GP again and laying it on the line that you yourself are developing a mental illness (anxiety) and things have to change. Depression IS debilitating and it can fluctuate - I'm fine today but yesterday I was ready to end it all - it's that bad. SO he can be telling the truth that if he has a good day it doesn't mean he's cured.

Have you thought how you would live your life without him - would finances be an issue - do you honestly think you'd be better off. If so, maybe you have to have that talk and put a time limit on it......

OP try and get hold of a book called Depression Fallout, it's about the impact depression has on those around the depressed person. It's really helpful in terms of helping you see what you can and can't do to help and what your role is.....and it's ultimately about the message that the depressed person is responsible for themselves and you can't love them better and you must draw boundaries about what you are able to handle in your relationship and when you need to walk away......it saved my marriage because it helped me to show my DH that he had to deal with it .....which he did.....it might do that for you or it might help you walk away......

It is absolutely draining living with a depressed partner the constant negativity about almost everything is difficult. My partner refuses to get any help and after five years I have started to put plans into place to move on with just my children as it is now affecting all of us.
Do not worry about what other people say, you are the one living daily with it and if leaving is what you feel you need to do, you do it.

I think I'm going to book a joint GP appointment and tell our GP the tablets he is on aren't right for him.

I need to also sit my DH down and really lay it on the line. I've never threatened to leave before and I wonder if that would help. I'm going to ask him to speak to a bereavement counsellor too.

Bobbinogs- have just bought the book on my kindle, thank you for the recommendation!

I would struggle without him, we'd have to sell the house as neither could afford it on our own.

I think the lack of libido is almost certainly down to the mirtazipine but I'm too young to be in a sexless marriage

Just to say that you can't refer him to CRUSE - he has to self refer. I think he really needs to do this, it was the underlying bereavement that was at the heart of all my DH's issues. It isn't an easy step to take, but it is honestly so worth it. The counsellors are strangers to you, they are completely non-judgmental and most of all they are people who have been through it themselves.

Ah thanks pointythings! I'm going to try and write out the main points and then sit him down. I always find it hard to make myself understood and often end up backing down during confrontation.

You sound totally drained op. It's not just living with a miserable person and looking a grumpy face every day, it's the impact it has on you ( feeling unwanted and unattractive) and the gradual lowering of your standards because it's easier than challenging each time you're spoken to like a bit of dog doodoo for example. He may or may not have depression. whatever he does have you are living with too. He is refusing to get help, and you can't resolve this for him. He is determined to drag you down with him. No. If he refuses to get help then surely it's over? Not in 6 months but in 1 week. He can make a start and go to his gp next week, he can refer for talking thereapies, he can have his thyroid tested etc etc, he can start to work out what it is not until he knows what it is.

I think you might benefit from counselling too. Why are you saying 6 months when this situation is unbearable ?

Come on op, get all L'Oréal on yourself, you're with it!

I just wondered if I told him him he needs to
start doing something within in a week maybe that would send him into a meltdown.