Living with a hoarder support thread

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Hi I'm not sure if anyone else would be interested but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Dh is a hoarder. Not tv worthy but he definitely is an it requires managing. His "room" is the attic. Haven't been up there for years. He doesn't use it other than storing crap and I know he's never cleaned it.
I'm happy for the attic to remain in this state but it's starting to creep down the attic stairs and onto the landing.

He's promised to tackle it (in his own sweet time). I just wondered if anyone else has to deal with hoarders.

He's otherwise great and I'm convinced his hoarding is actually a problem with his brain (learnt and maybe some genetic factors). His family are all awful hoarders.

Anyone else feel like venting about their hoarder partners?

My DP would say that too whostole

Like I said I understand the "don't do it!" point of view. I would say that about another condition I have a bad relationship experience with. I have my own mental health concerns as well though - which my DP is massively supportive with, and it does/will impact on how we share living space just as much. I would not expect him to make our relationship or living together conditional on me 'getting better'. He supports me to manage my problems. I want to support him to manage his.

(Our relationship is not entirely about being fruitcakes btw.... it's mostly all the good stuff!)

Do you mean the general public think it's a bit of a laugh, or the hoarders themselves think that?

IMO the way to tell if it is a collection or a hoard is as follows;

Are the things well maintained and organised?
Are the things having a negative impact on the owner/others?
Do the owner's words and actions match in relation to the things?
Are they reasonable where the things are concerned?

If they are not well maintained or organised, they are having a negative impact, they say for example they are valuable but then they leave them to rot and they behave unreasonably such as buying loads of the same item, avoiding discussion re items, taking in actual rubbish, refusing/finding it hard to take reasonable action if items start causing negative consequences such as relationship difficulties/vermin infestation/hygiene issues/fire risks etc then it is likely to be hoarding.

General public

Little - do you think he would be amenable to actually looking at himself and the hoard and trying to improve his MH? The really hard thing about hoarding is people who hoard often really genuinely don't see or accept that the hoarding is a. Hoarding or b. A problem.

Which is like any other MH problem/addiction - going to make a relationship crap unless the person with the problem acknowledges it and takes steps to make it better for themselves.

Even the really extreme hoarders with animal infestations, damp, goat trails, no access to the kitchen/bathroom/bedroom etc can think the hoard is well maintained and organised 'I know where everything is?! It is all useful/valuable' will think people threatening the hoard is the negative thing not the hoard itself, will not accept they are being unreasonable and won't actually see how their words don't match reality.

And without treatment hoarding does tend to get worse over time and during old age can really become extremely bad and out of control.

Do you mean the general public think it's a bit of a laugh, or the hoarders themselves think that?

The general public.

They laugh.

But then tend to turn around do a good line in shocked revulsion along the lines of "why didn't you DO something to help him/her" when they close enough to a real hoard to really take in, breath in and smell, what a home looks like when it's been swallowed by a hoard.

Purple

You are standing on the edge of a precipice. The problem is, you won't be able to recognise it as that on the way down, not until you hit the bottom. None of us do. The true view of the scale of the mental health issues, represented in stuff, can only be had when you are down there. Once you've had years of the same circular arguments, threats, promises half kept and then steam rollered over.

He made room. When you are still up top, it looks like room to throw down a line and pull him up from under a problem he'll be able to manage and control, with your help. But it's not. It is room for you to fall down there too.

You need to run. You probably won't. Part of why this sucks is because those of us who have BTDT are as willing to help you as you are to help him. And typically we are about as successful at coaxing people away from the edge, as you will be at getting him to deal with the root causes of his hoarding, with a view to bringing it to an end.

When he made space you saw movement in the right direction. We see textbook churning. Not cos we are clever, or special experts. Just cos we've seen it so very many times before. From the bottom, rather the edge you are teetering on. It's just a matter of angle. And lost years spent watching love and a loved one choke to death on dust, crumpled receipts and something buried and sharp that caused yet another minor injury.

My aunt hordes. She doesn't see that she has a problem. She has done it for as long as I remember - two inaccessible rooms, stuffed loft but the stress of my Grandparents illnesses and death tipped it over.
She lost the whole house - goat trails to bed, goat trails to the only two clear seats on the living room, inaccessible dining room.
She has no children so my siblings and I have given her numbers for the local nhshoarding service. She does nothing because she doesn't see it as a problem.
However we have had to get involved because her husband (our lovely uncle) has dementia. The house presents a huge safeguarding risk to him.
So my siblings and I have put in something crazy like 60man days to reduce the horde and organize it better. We now need to get the house reworked and have organized a cleaner.
There is lots of other stuff that needs done but we are withdrawing because my aunt still can't see that she has a problem and spent the days between our visits (you know weekdays that she as a retired person has off and we as working people, work) going to charity shops purchasing new items because 126litres of scarves isn't enough...meanwhile genuine, they actually need that spending opportunities go missed eg. I've had to order a new bathroom blind as the old one was broken and without a blind you flash (albeit through frosted glass) to the top deck of buses which pass every 8-12minutes!

My uncle is safe. If he stops being safe we will have to intervene again or move him into residential care to be safe.

It is heartbreaking that she is choosing stuff over him.

She will deny it but that is what she is doing.

We have sorted out entire boxes that can just be recycled when she dies. She never ever looks back over the contents (magazines) but is adamant they have to be kept. So they are in plastic boxes which seal so the rodents can't get in....and now she is moaning that we have spent too much on storage boxes!!

LittlePurplePig, I'm not sure he got rid of stuff. He may have stacked it up better or moved it around (in hoarder speak, churning), but it wasn't progress.

His Dad's at the end of his tether but can't communicate with him which suggests he's tried before and failed.

Do. Not. Move. In. Together.

What a very interesting and sad thread. I'm the daughter of a hoarder, whose own DF (my DGF) also had collecty tendencies and a car boot habit (more breadknives anyone?). I hoard in times of stress and our house has some piles of stuff and masses of books. Hmmmm.

Ringsender, may I ask why you hoard when you're stressed? What comfort does it bring you, how does it make you feel better?

I'm in.

DP has wardrobes & chests of drawers full of clothes that no longer fit & are out of date. He keeps promising to sort them out but seems emotionally attached to them (along with hundreds of ties he no longer wears and belts that don't fit).

The loft is full of car magazines (hundreds of the fuckers) that he'll never read again. WHY??

I too fantasise about getting a skip (or 10).

What a very interesting thread. Thank you all for helping me to understand my FIL.
He happily went to a nursing home several years ago, as his physical health was failing, but he absolutely will not allow any of his children to clear out the (full of hoard) house to allow it to be sold.
Magazines, books, ornaments, equipment from discarded hobbies.
DH has a tiny bit of a tendency...which is confined just to his desk area and wardrobe, but is generally amenable to having it organised

PoorYorick I don't really know. Am thinking about that. Question raised for me is "does my everyday household tidyness (ok but scruffy round the edge) reflect normal family mess and busy lifestyle, or would someone without hoarder tendencies never have piles of paperwork on the kitchen side for a week?

I am the wife of an extremely mentally ill hoarder. I have been a 47-year victim of his illness. He has needed psychiatric care for years. He has filled up our attic, basement family room, spare windowless room, garage, workshop, laundry room, dining room, and most of the living room since 1981 ( year w moved to this house).

My kids grew up in this nightmare. , We could never invite their friends, family or guests over unless I massively cleaned up. I have had s serious back condition for 46 years which is far worse today. None of us can deal with the destruction of our home, and him. My adult. children still live here. They are his victims too. I don't think there is help for any of us and he, is unable to throw away anything without an angry outburst . This is our home too. We are all miserable and we don't care about his feelings. Why should we? He has done his worst to make us suffer from his selfishness. As long as he is here, I don't think anyone can help us.

He has created dangerous obstacles by bocking doors, stairways, and hallways. I have mobility problems and I have fallen multiple times.

He also trashed our backyard, and front yard,. Our property is an eyesore. He trashes everything he touches including our cars. Everything he touches because he brings things home and can't throw anything away. I suspect other hoarders have been destroyed like this. I doubt I am alone. But still.