Living with a hoarder support thread

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Hi I'm not sure if anyone else would be interested but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Dh is a hoarder. Not tv worthy but he definitely is an it requires managing. His "room" is the attic. Haven't been up there for years. He doesn't use it other than storing crap and I know he's never cleaned it.
I'm happy for the attic to remain in this state but it's starting to creep down the attic stairs and onto the landing.

He's promised to tackle it (in his own sweet time). I just wondered if anyone else has to deal with hoarders.

He's otherwise great and I'm convinced his hoarding is actually a problem with his brain (learnt and maybe some genetic factors). His family are all awful hoarders.

Anyone else feel like venting about their hoarder partners?

[Offred]

Oh and my dad recently told my mum that she could have one small cupboard behind the cloakroom and under the stairs for her stuff. He has the whole cellar - 7 rooms, a shed, a double garage and piles of stuff all over the rest of the flat - 5 rooms

[ClarissaDarling]

Agree to what previous posters have said- try temp living together before you commit. Hoarders don't care I have found for impact on anyone else and expect that everyone should fall in line or just not comment on their hoarding. My grandmother is a hoarder to the extent that I have refused to take DC to her house till it is safe for them- I'm talking about open tins of paint, rusting tools, piles of shoes lying about, and nowhere you could safely put a baby down never mind bring a buggy in. Of course to rest of family I'm a PFB judgy cow as everyone else sucked it up as 'that's how she is' the woman is not infirm as she frequently goes into town and trawls charity shops for more stuff to build her hoard!

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

I am a hoarder. Not as in house dangerously stacked with piles of newspaper, but with every cupboard maxed out and every surface covered with something. I don't bat an eyelid at a floordrobe or a chairdrobe.

My DP hates it. He's minimalist because of the military. He likes spartan to the point that rooms are drab, unwelcoming and barren. I like warm feelings, comfortable and colourful. We are trying to mix the two, it occasionally it erupts into arguments.

Yesterday he lost his rag because the spare room, which he never goes in, had all my work stuff all over the bed. I have been meaning to tidy it, but my priorities are not rooms we barely go in. However, the message was making him anxious.

When I was getting prepared to move in with him, he and my best friend helped me declutter my flat ready to sell. That was really stressful for me, because I was ashamed of my hoarding, yet couldn't bear the waste of so much stuff going to the tip, or even the waste of the money I had spent on all that stuff now going to charity shops.

The house was the better for it, and there was a certain amount of catharsis, but I lost it in the end over a table I wanted to keep and they wanted me to throw away. That made me cry and they realised it wasn't just as simple as clearing things out.

It's a hard one to explain, but for me a lot of my self worth was tied into my possessions, and it was hard to throw it all out. Especially knowing the although they didn't say it, they were seriously judging me.

So please, don't throw the hoarders things out, you need to get them on board to do it. Expect there to be push back and tears, and don't expect miracles in one day. Even if we have insight, as I did, it is distressing to confront it. And I'm a mild case.

[Offred]

Yes, it is not about managing the hoard or throwing things out. It is about the underlying psychological issues of the hoarder. Throwing things out is just distressing without being in any way productive and can result in things getting worse because hoarding IME is just another maladaptive coping mechanism.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

But yeah, he has lots of issues and they stem from his childhood and now that he's in his 50s it still affects him and us

cri it's horrible to have all his childhood problems still still affecting you all these years later. My dh had a great childhood. But his parents were always very mistrustful of other people. Dh didn't really make friends until he was 16. I think he substituted personal relationships for stuff (his parents are hoarders so I think he learnt sons of it from them).

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Yes, it is not about managing the hoard or throwing things out. It is about the underlying psychological issues of the hoarder

This is cracking advice but my dh just doesn't think he has a problem (to be fair it is (mostly) isolated in the attic). There's no way he would admit to having an issue psychologically.

[Offred]

No, my dad is the same and becomes angry (subconscious protection of the hoard) if anything close is remotely suggested but it is very, very hard to live with a hoarder who has no insight at all and means the whole family falls into a 'tinkering round the edges' pattern of trying to reduce the impact on them of the hoarding behaviours.

I don't know what to suggest really for that because if you don't manage the hoard it will become unbearable but if you do manage the hoard it is essentially an enabling behaviour that promotes the hoarder's view that hoarding is an OK way of dealing with life.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

I don't know what to suggest really for that because if you don't manage the hoard it will become unbearable but if you do manage the hoard it is essentially an enabling behaviour

I'm only hoping that managing the hoard is a kind of therapy it's self. Dh has reduced the hosts of crap from 2 bedrooms, the playroom, the attic and the outhouse. To just the attic and outhouse.
He has improved but it's a constant struggle to keep throwing things out.

[pklme]

I think there are different underlying reasons. I have helped my DH reframe things for years, and manage his stress levels. As I said, I'm pretty sure he has ASD so it may be a different thing. He doesn't keep rubbish anymore. At one point he kept all his train tickets in case they would be useful one day. I asked him what they would be useful for, he thought maybe the baby would want to play with the when he was bigger. I pointed out he would probably prefer something more colourful. DH reluctantly agreed they could go. When he brings something in, I wonder out loud how long before we take that to the charity shop, or say ok, we can have a special box just for lunch boxes next time we move house. If I get at all tense about it, it gets worse. If I stay calm and comment lightly on the implications, he eventually takes it on board. Totally controlling the space he is allowed works for us, as well as incentivising getting rid of things.

[Offred]

It is so miserable. I feel for you.

Do you have any idea what might be behind it? What he is using it to cope with and where the hoarding developed as a strategy from?

With my dad it was an unhappy childhood with a really interfering aunt who kept him away from his mother and interrupted their ability to bond. His mother also kept a very neat house. I think probably an attachment issue.

I suspect he has some autism style traits and is slow to process things and his hoard originally developed from interests of his such as ships, trains, photography and medicine.

The hoards began as collections of magazines and items related to these interests, and became compulsive collecting (every issue of sea breezes magazine etc) and became an anxiety led inability to throw things away where he will take things other people are throwing away and also a purchasing of things that 'might be useful' thanks jml catalogue.

His hoard for him seems to be fulfilling the need for emotional security, I often joke with my mum that he sees it as his mother. Although he won't acknowledge the problem with the hoard he has begun to face up to and deal with some of the issues from his childhood this year and I'm hoping that will help.

Maybe getting them to deal with the underlying causes doesn't need to involve getting them to acknowledge the hoarding straight away. My dad is now 62 and retired with ill health so I don't think there will be much progress before it becomes a real problem in old age.

[Offred]

Pkl - it sounds as though you are acting as his therapist in a way. That is also tough but another one of the consequences for families of hoarders who don't have any insight.

The risks with that are that eventually both of you may become resentful - the hoarder because they feel the hoard is in competition with you and you because you feel in competition with the hoard.

It is rarely a sustainable way to live and hoarding tends to get progressively worse with age, and at stressful times, as you've mentioned already.

No easy answers but yes the underlying problems are different for each person I think.

[SleightOfMind]

My mother is a hoarder and I have almost no relationship with her now despite having 4 DCs she claims to love and living 10 mins from her.
I have not been to her house in the 10 years since my father died - won't let us in.
The one person she has allowed in was horrified and angry with me for 'letting her live like that'.
There is literally nothing I can do. It blighted my childhood and continues to throw a dark shadow over my adult life.
Knowing that your mother values an ancient newspaper covered in rat piss or the mouldy ham you threw in the bin over you, your siblings or your children is devastating.
Despite knowing she is damaged, I have to keep very high boundaries to not let her hurt or damage me or the DCs any more.

[daryldixonishot]

I'm a hoarder but really trying to deal with it!
I first realised I was when I read a description on here somewhere & the realisation hit me!
It's mostly shoes, clothes, handbags the sort of stuff it ' s seen as acceptable to have a lot of but I also realise I do it with wrapping paper, Birthday Cards, toiletries!
My mum is hoarder too and I find it so frustrating so it was a shock to realise I did it myself!
The little tell tell signs, pots of loose change, the accumulation of stuff in my car!
I try to keep on top of it & mostly I do, house is pretty tidy etc but it's a struggle!

[daryldixonishot]

Sorry I know none of that helps with your issues!
Do your husbands realise they are hoarders?
Do they see all their stuff as a problem?

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Do your husbands realise they are hoarders

• probably not. And if he thinks he is it would be in a personality trait kind of way not in a needing therapy way.
  

Do they see all their stuff as a problem

So hard to say. I think he sees it as a not having time / storage to sort issue. Like if we had a big lottery win he would quit his job and sort through his stuff.
In reality no job and a lottery win would mean a bigger house filled with more crap. Or at least I think it would he has surprised me recently by chucking some stuff

[allegretto]

I've noticed that he's happy enough to get rid of my stuff
(and what I have is very little).

Same here! He is very quick to suggest my stuff isn't worth keeping but refuses to give up one of the six never-used winter coats in the wardrobe, for example.

[tiej]

We have a coffee table with storage underneath, half each. My DH filled up his side so we got a cupboard to put next to the sofa for his extra stuff, when that became full he bought one of those storage cubes to put his feet on and keep papers in. He then bought a magazine rack.......

I am determined to keep the surfaces clear and every so often I pick up the piles of stuff from on top of these things and dump them in his office. He cannot explain why he needs to use a dozen different pens in one evening and put them on the side, he just does.

I feel like King Canute.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

allegretto

How very rude, really shows who is the most important person in his life (him).

My dh seems baffled by my lack of attachment to stuff. Has only ever suggested I get rid of some of my possessions as a defence mechanism. how dare you suggest I have too much stuff how would you feel if I told you to get rid of some of your stuff
He looked beyond shocked when I agreed I was overdue a sort out and really should get rid of some old clothes.

Ive sometimes wondered about ASD and dh. I've always put it down to him being very poorly socialised as a child parents very wary of outsiders and he was very ill for a long time maybe it's something else.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

We have a coffee table with storage underneath

Oh you poor sod. We used to have one of these. Coffe tables are now a banned item in our house. Dh can't be trusted with a vacant flat surface

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

sleight

Sorry about your relationship with your mum. That sounds awful. The rat piss newspapers sound god awful, really sorry.

[whirlygirly]

This all sounds exhausting. Mil is a hoarder. I get so stressed at her house I have to look at the ceiling sometimes to calm down. It's literally the only clear space. She stores drinks bottles on the stairs for visitors, yet when we visit they still aren't touched or offered.

Dp is entirely the opposite and chucks stuff out constantly. That can be annoying too, but is vastly preferable.

I've found for me, I've had to tackle my shopping habit first of all to stop the house getting cluttered. I have so many scarves, perfumes, candles, books etc. All lovely but just too much. I'm getting there but it's tough.

[pklme]

So, things we have recently sold on eBay (his latest hobby, time consuming but mainly positive:
Hundreds and hundreds of slides of trains he took before he was 30.
About 30 different Lego/duplo sets the kids grew out of.
Box sets of books
Box sets of DVDs
Audiobooks
Video games
Model railway items- he bought loads first to add to his old set, realised he would never achieve what he visualised and has now started selling both the new and the old.

I now have a bedroom full of different sized boxes and packing, but that could just go to the tip in one go, if we needed to.

He realises he is inclined to collect stuff. He realises that he can't resist a bargain. He realises that if we don't keep an eye on it, it will get out of hand. He probably wouldn't call himself a hoarder.

Things he has bought in excess because they were on offer: baked beans, enough to last a year at the usual rate of consumption. Dishwasher tablets and laundry liquid, enough for two years. Light bulbs, enough for several years. Jeans, pants and socks, enough for several years. Shoes and boots. Several spare pairs kept in their boxes for when his old ones wear through.

Don't get me started on his tv recording habit.

[pklme]

Oh and we have five spare winter coats, but he will only wear his current ancient one. The day will come when he will agree his current one is tatty, and take out the next one. In the meantime if one of the kids needs one he will expect them to have one of his spares, rather than shop for one.

The wearing of old raggy clothes while keeping new ones safely in the cupboard drives me potty.

[timeforabrewnow]

This thread is very interesting, as reading through some of the posts I think that my DH definitely has a lot of these tendencies. I think I do as well

Which is possibly why I don't consider the collection of old paint pots (just in case) as unusual. The floorboards kept for 6 years (just in case) next to the paint pots as normal.

He has a lot of papers which can't be chucked- but he is self employed. The papers are not in logical order.

I have a lot of books, which I am attached to - as I think 'someone might borrow that one day' - especially daft perhaps in the age of the kindle. I do get rid of stuff, but feel like we could get rid of a lot more stuff. Always seem to put it off to another day.

Likewise craft projects that remain unfinished.

ipost I thought your first post was eloquent and moving - very well written.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Don't get me started on his tv recording habit

pklme oh the recording habit. Dh does this. It used to be loads of videos, at least now he can store films on usb sticks.
Technology has really helped with this.

And I had a small victory. Threw out some of the kids stuff. The process is - I fill two bin liners full of old clothes and put them in the wash house. After 2 months they go in the bin / go to charity shops.
Dh noticed the bags had gone and queried it. Seemed to accept my explaination that as the toys hadn't been missed in two months they aren't needed anymore.

It wouldn't work for his own stuff though.