Living with a hoarder support thread

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Hi I'm not sure if anyone else would be interested but I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Dh is a hoarder. Not tv worthy but he definitely is an it requires managing. His "room" is the attic. Haven't been up there for years. He doesn't use it other than storing crap and I know he's never cleaned it.
I'm happy for the attic to remain in this state but it's starting to creep down the attic stairs and onto the landing.

He's promised to tackle it (in his own sweet time). I just wondered if anyone else has to deal with hoarders.

He's otherwise great and I'm convinced his hoarding is actually a problem with his brain (learnt and maybe some genetic factors). His family are all awful hoarders.

Anyone else feel like venting about their hoarder partners?

eBay goes in waves, but DH is a bit tight so we usually win. It has the helpful effect of keeping him really busy sorting and categorising and researching prices. He sorted all the old Lego into sets, including instructions, ready to sell. I didn't see him for weeks, and he was too busy to buy anything.
It all depends if you can direct and focus it.

As for the skip... I couldn't do it to him. Just couldn't. He'd meltdown and go into a depression, I think.

Yes OP, massive breach of trust. He'd never speak to me again, be crushed and devestated.

Well, DH's shirts sorted. 3 to charity shop, 89 back in the wardrobe.

I did well to get 3 off him.

I made the mistake of suggesting getting a skip in the summer. DH went apeshit. Just at the suggestion.

So obviously, I'm in

The thought of doing the skip thing is both exciting and terrifying. He'd melt down.

I don't know how you can deal with this, I do know as a child of a hoarder I would never be with a hoarder myself.

My dad completely filled up all three floors of our 6 bed home when I was a child. As it expanded the very small amount of toys/books space we had been allowed was gradually replaced with hoard. He would just throw our things out. He would be angry that our stuff existed and it made us feel as though we didn't exist.

Plus as my dad is a doctor many things in the hoard were not safe - scalpels, medicines that would often get pushed out of their pill packets and crushed on the kitchen table. Piles of electrical goods. All the children's stuff was eventually 'allowed' to exist only in a small damp cellar room that flooded every winter, contained asbestos and had hardly any natural light. This only happened because my mum tried to protect us.

That is quite apart from the oppressive depression inducing feelings that being surrounded by mess all the time being on and the shame of friends seeing and commenting on it.

All I will say is hoarding creates misery for the family that live with the hoarder if it is allowed to go unchecked and kids living with a hoarder need the hoarder to be responsible and get help. I don't think it should be left to a spouse to try and manage the hoarding levels. Hoarding is a psychological problem like any other and the person with the problem needs to be responsible and get help to manage it like with any other psychological problem.

My dad didn't want his hoard in the damp room that flooded btw but was fine with his kids being there.

OP whatever you do, don't let it down the stairs. Stick it up in the attic and he'll have to sort it out. Let it down the stairs and it'll be the landing next...

One thing I've learnt (too late) is that no matter how much storage you give a hoarder they just fill it up and need more.

This. I lived with a hoarder. I think the only way to deal with it, is to gradually chip away at it. Basically get them to review the stuff once in a while and encourage then to give the stuff to someone who will actually use it and encourage them see the joy in the stuff being used by someone else rather than just being shoved in a loft. The other breakthrough I had is when buying something new e.g. TV/toaster whatever is to encourage him to throw the old one away and not to put the old one in the loft (just in case). on the basis that if the new one broke we'd go out and get a new one and not get the old one down from the loft. I think that worked but also started chipping away at the mindset.

the favourite line of all hoarders is to keep thIngs on the basis "I might need it one day" or "it might be useful one day". I then asked him what the need/use was and when he couldn't answer that it made him realise the thing wasn't worth keeping.

Finally as a pp said, it's not worth sifting through 50 boxes of crap if he loses loads of weight to find an old belt, it's far more efficient to just buy a new one. Therefore the keeping on the basis that it might be needed one day is only sensible if there are only a few things in the category as opposed to a loft full of boxes

Do women hoard, or is it predominantly a male thing? (I suspect I know the answer to this!)

I've made great strides with this with DH, just as pp said, persuading him to let other people enjoy things, to give charitably, and to get rid of old item when replacing it...

Then I bought a new micro and took the old one to the tip even though it was still functioning (but low powered and the paint inside was flaking). The new one was rubbish and had to go back. Sod's law...

Don't get more storage - it will just be filled.

Would you be allowed to help them sort and store rather than get rid of? (to start with).

Hoarders, seriously, are not as benign as most people believe. At heart, they tend to be covertly greedy and/or jealous regarding material items in odd ways. In addition, they have a strange relationship with space (and often with money) -- all space is theirs, and they want it. They certainly do not care that they make life stressful at best or miserable at worst for their loved ones. They also will dissemble or outright lie repeatedly about attempting to mediate or cure their hoarding and other things (!), because they REALLY feel that you have no business judging them and can become shockingly angry or merely totally obstructionist and will enjoy your frustration. I've written at length about this in the past and just can't stand to go into it again, but if you don't have a hoarder in your everyday life, do not bring one in! You will live to regret it in many ways that you can't even imagine.

But hoarders aren't born, they grow. For whatever reason, a hobby or habit takes over everything else.

Stress makes it worse. So my DH is poised in the perfectly manageable, irritating, but just about controlled zone at the moment. I worry that if something happened to me the combination of my absence and the stress of losing me would tip the balance and he'd end up walking through little paths.

I've warned the DCs that they would need to keep an eye on him in this situation.

I certainly wouldn't move a hoarder into my space, but wouldn't kick out my DH for something that hasn't yet happened.

Sorry pklme but I think you are looking at this all wrong. Hoarding is very similar to addiction, your DH should be the one taking responsibility not you and you certainly shouldn't be training your DC to try and keep the hoard at reasonable levels.

The hoard grows but the hoarder was made in childhood. Your DH needs to get help for the psychological problem at the route of this behaviour. I agree with fanny, this is not benign collecting or hobbies getting out of control - those are just cover stories people make.

It is a serious problem.

*root

Mine has a narcissist mother and he is controlling and mistrustful. I don't know if it's related to his hoarding but I suspect it is.

I used to keep stuff that I didn't need but as I kept moving house I'd get rid of more and more stuff. Now I will just keep sentimental stuff. Anything that isn't used often enough or we have no space for gets taken to charity or given away. Even if it's expensive or good stuff. Our quality of life would suffer otherwise. Luckily we have a big house and have managed to contain his crap in the massive double garage, downstairs office and his wardrobes. It is jammed packed with stuff like clothes he's not worn in a decade, his late grandmother's mouldy old 50 year old towels and bedsheets as well as a whole host of paraphernalia that he's never used.

I've noticed that he's happy enough to get rid of my stuff (and what I have is very little).

But yeah, he has lots of issues and they stem from his childhood and now that he's in his 50s it still affects him and us.

I think that's the point though that I am trying to make... it is the psychological problems that are the issue. The hoard is the visible manifestation of the psychological problem.

Trying to manage the hoard is like trying to stop an alcoholic getting their hands on drink. It is a really unhelpful way to deal with a hoarder - they need to accept responsibility, seek help and try to get better.

Getting rid of stuff is just tinkering round the edges and also being responsible for someone else's psychological problem which never helps.

I think accepting the problem and tackling the root causes is so so important.
I had to tackle a relative's extreme (tv worthy) hoarding by getting the house cleared and then selling it off. (I did this at their request after they had finally realised they couldn't carry on like this). They promised me it had all just got out of control and if they could start again all would be well. I got them set up in social housing, got all new furniture etc and all was well for a few years but now it's starting again. I visit regularly and have done things like arrange storage, but that was not a good idea, as others have said. Next time I have said we will sort through some of the problem areas together. The person doesn't accept she has a problem so won't accept help.
Sympathies OP but don't let it creep and see if he can accept help. It's a very limiting mental health problem.

little

My mother is a hoarder. The Hoard leaked beyond its original confines, rose up and crashed down on us in line with how she coped (or more accurately, did not cope) with life's disappointments and times of emotional hardship.

We drowned in it.

Because each time you slip, stumble and crash down the death trap the stairs have become, or get another random needle halfway buried in your foot as you pick your way across the living room, you are reminded that you will always come last. Behind The Hoard. Behind what The Hoard represents. Behind the gratification and the pain The Hoard causes the hoarder. It can make you feel so very very small, insignificant and clearly human shaped "acceptable collateral damage" as it grows, both in size and emotional value.

If you have, or hope to have, children it might be worth googling adult children of hoarders and noting the not inconsiderable damage and pain caused to children who are required to live with the tension and bulk of The Hoard. Before you move in with one. Cos you aren't just going to be living with just him. You'll probably be living with it too.

I remember when The Hoard was just "no bed without numerous cardboard boxes of crap stuffed underneath it". By most standards, innocuous enough. But if things go bent in life, something most of us experience, it can be fed. That's how we ended up living with a home so stuffed that level four squalor was simply an unavoidable consequence of not being able to get to things that badly needed fixing. And being too ashamed to ask for help.

I am nearly 50. A long time from living in The Hoard. My home is tidy enough. I do not hoard. I still become overwhelmed with anxiety if an unexpected visitor turns up. I still carry shame like it's welded to me.

Think hard before you decide to open your door and invite The Hoard to come live with you. It might not come in its entirety. But all it takes are The Hoard Seeds coming into your life in "a few boxes too many". Life waters it with emotional upset. And the fucker can grow in a way that would make a Russian Vine feel inadequate.

The worst thing a hoarder can do is to start a collection. Once they start they won't stop. They will add to the collection but will probably never look at it which makes you realise they are not building a collection to enjoy, they are only giving a title "collection" which really means "hoarding" to bring more stuff into the house.

They will constantly tell you that the hoard is precious to them but can't explain why the stuff is piled up or just thrown into a room.

If you have children they will grow up to be the same. Can't throw anything out.

I don't think the worst thing that happens to children of hoarders is growing up to hoard.

It is the black hole of having been considered less than things that have no objective value, even to the hoarder, who doesn't even take care of the things. That your needs are a lower priority than stuff that is not even treated with any kind of respect and the psychological effects of the behaviour around the hoard and living in a physically neglected home, of being made to be responsible for your parent's hoarding.

That is your parent, it damages your self esteem immeasurably to live with a hoarder that is not seeking/getting help/taking responsibility. It is much the same as having a parent who is addicted to substances.

You do not have an emotionally safe home and very often you do not have a physically safe home.

Since my mum 'doesn't see the stuff anymore' and likes that my dad 'has hobbies' I don't expect it to be sorted out before they die. My mum was pleased because after months of throwing away her stuff yesterday he managed to throw away some notes he made about nursing homes in the 80s when he was a GP.

This is one corner of their bedroom after a house renovation and downsizing where the hoard has reached a point where it is the best it has ever been.

When they die I am going to severely struggle with dealing with sorting out the hoard which is still very significant. It upsets me that my choice is going to have to be get a house clearance firm to throw everything out and therefore miss out on things I might want as memories or face the hoard that haunted my childhood.

My dad won't get help and my mum insists she doesn't mind living this way but if they ever need care the flat is not a safe working environment for carers and it is not safe for my children to visit.

If you have children they will grow up to be the same. Can't throw anything out.

Not necessarily. My family's biggest complaint is that I throw stuff away.

I'm scared of it. Scared stuff, any stuff, will take root, grow and take over. So when knocked off kilter by life's curve balls, I get a tremendous urge to "weed", with a rather napalm stance towards anything that I construe as a seedling. It's a manageable urge when life is OK. But when I learned that my father had died it took DS and DH being really tidy, and me sitting hard on my hands, not to take my distress out on the house contents.

My sister went the same way. The charity shops near her love her to bits.

I have come to the conclusion that no house will ever feel like a home for me. It will always feel like a battleground where I feel I have to be on my guard to fight the tide of things, in case they swell, and drown us.

I am the same iPost