I need someone to believe me

[Wilhamenawonka]

This is about abuse. Not sexual financial or physical or even verbal in ways that are generally understood.

It was covert passive aggressive abuse over 17 years and i finally got him to leave 20 months ago. I now know that it involved all the above but so subtly that even now it feels like a fog trying to penetrate it.

Although I know intellectually that it was abuse it's only This week that I've started to get it emotionally and now I'm broken.

I'll never be in another relationship because i can't trust myself to stay safe and also i have vaginismus which ideveloped due to his approach to sex.
Every day more and more things hit me and break my heart all over again.

The thing is that i can't even give examples because I'm so scared of people not getting it and making me question myself again.

I'll never stop questioning if it was all my fault. I'm broken.

Please say you believe me because he is such a master at subtle passive aggressive abuse no one (except my counsellor and close friend) would ever get it.
I'm not a drama queen making this up but thats what I've been telling myself for years.

I feel sick all the time and just need to get it out.

I believe you

Have you read the Abuser Profiles?

I'm glad you're doing counselling. You could also consider the Freedom Programme.

Hang on in there. Above all, be kind to yourself.

I'm glad I've got the kids (although they drive me nuts too) 😁

That's weird for me reading about how they can encourage you to go out but you get hassle if you do. I have been trying to get my head round that one.

My ex would say, you really need a night out with the girls, acting all concerned. When I actually arranged it, he would say, I wish you had told me before and make me feel guilty. Once I went and he called me back after an hour with an 'emergency.' I left a meal I had paid for. Another time, I actually went and when I got back, he acted all forlorn and said, I'm surprised you went when he had been acting as if he really wanted me to go!

So yes, it's the acting nice but you know it's false and it will be used against you. Or acting all helpful in a way you don't want.

Interesting thread.

I believe you. I think my ex is the same. It wears away at you and makes you feel mad. I'm glad you are getting help and are no longer in that situation

If i don't reply to individuals it's not because I'm not reading.
I cant really cope with what's going on in my head right now so although i asked people to believe me really i feel ashamed for manipulating my information to trick you into being on my side.

Does that make sense? I'm so aware of the things i could say that put me in a bad light but that I'm not sharing.

So reading everyone's responses is weird. It makes me feel ashamed and I'm only really skimming them.

What I'm hoping is that this thread will still be here when I'm ready to hear the responses and can understand that they're right. Does that sound strange

I believe you

Saying yes to throwing parties but then doing anything to make it difficult.

I used to have such high expectations from people and life. Now not so much.

OP - firstly I believe you.

Secondly - You say you got him to leave 20 months ago, well done. You are much stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for.

I was wondering why you think things are so hard for you at the moment? Has something happened or are you just coming out of the shock of your marriage?

Also, you don't have to justify to anyone why you left an unhappy marriage - you did it for your sanity and for your kids. You are allowed to be happy.

It does make sense and it doesn't sound strange at all. And I can relate to your comment about life and expectations too.

Mine used to do that weird going out thing too. He would encourage me to go out but if I did (I didn't often), I would get repeated phone calls/texts demanding to know when I would be back.

I'm glad you started this thread, OP. I've never come across this kind of situation or dynamic or known about it. After reading your experiences and others, I hope I'm better equipped to spot it in future.

No I totally get it. I wonder if you were involved with a narcissist as they are experts at this kind of subtle, insidious emotional abuse. It happens slowly and you don't know it's happening, but slowly over time you begin to doubt and question yourself. Self confidence and self esteem plummets and you are blamed for everything. I've experienced this and felt like I was going crazy. I couldn't even explain it properly because it didn't sound bad. But I was being stealthily undermined and put down, but in ways that didn't make me question it at the time. The guy was a bully and a control freak. Sound familiar?

I think I'm only just starting to allow myself to see it for what it is.
Until very recently i still bizarrely held out hope that he'd get it. I still struggle with the idea that he always got it and the injured innocence was bollocks.
He wanted to punish me (because punishing his awful parents wasn't an option)
In April we'll come to two years separating so a no fault divorce. That's focused my mind and made me really think about things instead of merely trying to survive by myself with the kids.
A few days ago i googled ' is passive aggressive abuse ' and haven't stopped crying since so i think I'm slowly getting to the point that i can face what's happened.

This thread is part of that process but it's a very slow one.

All the time i read threads here about women who leave terrible relationships and a year or two later their lives are transformed. Mine is just stuck and i don't know if it will ever change.

I believe you.

I also completely understand why you are questioning. These people have a very good way of making you doubt yourself. Well done for getting him to leave, and of course none of this was your fault. None.

I left a terrible abusive relationship two years ago now. Its been hard since, but I too have a different life. Baby steps, thats all.

I believe you.

I left mine last Jan 2015, so a similar time to you, after a 9 year marriage. Sharing my memories of his abusive behaviour with someone who has not been through it themselves just makes me feel like an unreasonable drama queen who expected too much from her H.

Mine would huff and puff if I went out, text me constantly with banal chit chat, telling me what tv programme I am missing at home, or pretending the kids were sick and I should come back early.

Then I would get home, he would tell me I should have walked home (at 10pm) instead of spending money on a cab (£5 or so). Then he would tell me I stink of alcohol and would turn around and go to bed.

Yet I was lucky because my lovely husband was watching the children whilst I went out, and he was texting me because he missed me

It sounds so petty and ridiculous written down. But I believe you.

Re-reading the Abuser Profiles is quite unsettling. My XP was a classic water torturer. His behaviour when I had PND was particularly appalling - he engineered me falling out with my family (in retrospect he was very threatened by them) and simulataneously convinced them I was unstable and unfit to look after DC but not to worry because he loved me and was taking care of us. I only found out about this months after the relationship ended.

What he actually did was start an affair with a work colleague while leaving me to look after DC 24/7 while suffering from severe PND. Of course he had slyly engineered things so that I didn't feel able to ask my family for support. It really was horrendous.

I understand. I guess the permanent end to your marriage has brought a lot of things into focus - and seventeen years is a long time. You will need to grieve for those years you've lost.

I know it might not seem like it at the moment - but your life can only get better from now on. The way you responded to your daughter is amazing - you sound like a fabulous Mum.

So to give you a picture. When he first moved out he would come home for every meal but never contribute. I had to ask.

He would see the kids in the house and never take them out. Until i asked. Then they would come home really late.

In the house he wouldn't cook for the kids. Until i asked

He never washed up or cleaned up when he was here.

Eventually i saw sense and told him to have the kids at his. Then we got until time keeping. And him not thinking to keep nappies etc.

I found how much maintainence he should pay through entitled to. He decided to double it - great. Then for two months simply dropped it without letting me know.

And on and on and on.

Death by a thousand cuts all designed to show the love of his life how much contempt he has for me.

That was in the first two months of him leaving. There were 17 years of that all with the phrase 'sorry i didn't think'

That was all while he was saying he still wanted it by the way

I was the controlling one in our marriage which i spent years feeling terrible about - and yet more therapy.
But someone had to deal with the finances or where we lived or if we were going to have a social life or a sex life or children.

Its going to sound stupid but his way of controlling me was to abdicate all control or even input meaning that he was a victim of a controlling harridan.
He could be the poor put upon one by virtue of never doing anything and me looking controlling.
Win win for him

Faffing about before we have to leave so we would be late - check
Constant barrage of texts when I went out so I'd come back early - check

It's like we're talking about the same person

I believe you.
Please try & believe me when I tell you that you won't always feel so awful & full of self doubt... I had a previous relationship with a total abuser, got away & finally got his crap out of my head.. I always think of EA as like an infection. You will fight it off!

Creepy isn't it PotPlant. I think that these types often have a similar behaviour pattern. I've talked about my ex before and it's quite comforting stem someone says "me too" because abuse can leave you feeling so isolated and ashamed.

*when, not stem.

I believe you.

I get it.
I believe you

Please don't compare yourself to others who have escaped similar situations and are ok at this timescale. The ages of your children, plus your initial set up meant that you were still very, very tied into a relationship with him. When you update us next year, things will be very different.

I hope you can start to credit yourself with just how well you are coping. It sounds like you're doing fucking marvellously from here!
Being able to identify his vile PA actions with your daughter and the card straight away-this is a very positive action.