I need someone to believe me

[Wilhamenawonka]

This is about abuse. Not sexual financial or physical or even verbal in ways that are generally understood.

It was covert passive aggressive abuse over 17 years and i finally got him to leave 20 months ago. I now know that it involved all the above but so subtly that even now it feels like a fog trying to penetrate it.

Although I know intellectually that it was abuse it's only This week that I've started to get it emotionally and now I'm broken.

I'll never be in another relationship because i can't trust myself to stay safe and also i have vaginismus which ideveloped due to his approach to sex.
Every day more and more things hit me and break my heart all over again.

The thing is that i can't even give examples because I'm so scared of people not getting it and making me question myself again.

I'll never stop questioning if it was all my fault. I'm broken.

Please say you believe me because he is such a master at subtle passive aggressive abuse no one (except my counsellor and close friend) would ever get it.
I'm not a drama queen making this up but thats what I've been telling myself for years.

I feel sick all the time and just need to get it out.

I believe you.

I am two weeks into being free and I am shifting between thinking it is EA and me being an entitled selfish mean drama queen. But I know I have been miserable for the last ten years and that there is so much subtlety and pretence, like doing a fab mother's day breakfast the year my friend was visiting but telling me I was entitled when.... see I cannot even write it because I feel I am being ridiculous.

I believe you and I salute you for havinf set yourself free. It'll take a while for your wings to adjust to fly high.

potplant whereas mine had the approach of not ever having any opinion and very very subtlety making sure i felt bad for him being there.
It made me feel so unnoticed and like i wasn't worth even the effort of having an opinion. I had to drive everything.

He's so determined not to look like the baddie that making a negative opinion would never have happened.
Someone earlier said it's ridiculous that we wish we'd been hit so there would be a reason to feel dissatisfied. I feel like that about your dress experience (i really hope that doesn't sound dismissive because it's really not meant to)
They really are masters of the head fuckaren't they.

Yours knew your weak points. Mine knew i could cope with negative opinion (because to me it meant some some engagement from him) but not nothing.
Both were abusers.

In the end i became like a child who would do or say anything just to get a response even a negative one.

It's left me with very low expectations coupled with anxiety.

I hope you are doing better now

I was in a relationship for four years that sounds exactly like you describe. Subtle is the word I used repeatedly too. He was brighter than me but I had more emotional intelligence. I knew I was being abused but he was so clever it was impossible for me to articulate the 'how' of it to anyone really. He knew exactly what buttons to push and when and he comprehensively destroyed my personality. He made me feel small and worthless. My eyes were opened to it one day over an event although I knew in an unspoken way. Once he knew I knew, he ramped it up but he had overstepped. He tried to re-write history but I left. It took me two years to even start to feel better OP. All the normal things in my life he has belittled so much I didn't enjoy them any more as I saw them in a different way and it took me a long time to get a life back. It will happen for you OP but it takes ages. Be prepared for that.

Wilhamenawonka

So despite being incredibly down, confused and having a breakdown.. and your partner not doing anything to support you...

1. You found a website under your own volition and started to understand yourself and cure the vaginimus?
2. Went through two pregnancies and are Mother to two (I'm sure) amazing children
3. Managed to work out that the counsellor you saw wasn't necessarily competent as she seemed to favour your partner as she'felt sorry for him'?
4. You've demonstrated to your children how to apologise and have shown that when Mummy gets upset, she apologises and that's how you should behave to people.

Honestly - Read the above and give yourself some credit. You seem to be so down on yourself when you've already done some really amazing things and continue to do so. Not only will your children grow up with a fantastic role model, they will learn how to deal with people in a positive manner. So maybe you do get stressed and snap? Don't we all - Cut yourself some slack and appreciate that how you act after that is important and what I read from your posts is you acknowledge your mood, appreciate it's not right and then ensure you talk about it with your children.

I completely believe you - sometimes it's really hard to get the words out and when you see them in black and white, it can't be really hard to articulate things.

One of my exes was incredibly passive aggressive. I was always able to go out, in fact he encouraged it, saying 'When are you seeing your friends?' and 'I'm sure you'll have a nice time'. Yet when I made a date to see my friends, the sulking and the 'off comments' would start and then the obligatory argument before I left so I'd spend the entire time out, worrying about what had been said / done. Then he'd be texting me constantly trying to 'sort' the argument when I was out and if I didn't reply - That was further evidence that I didn't care and was a horrible bitch.

When I worked it out and called him on it, it was all in my head, how could I think that? What a complete weirdo! Yet it was only when I decided I was going to dump him, that I really was able to control the situation and would say 'Here's the obligatory argument' and texted him back 'Obligatory controlling text messages will not be answered tonight - Computer says no' and leave him to it.

The same with money. I'm so paranoid that I'm tight / mean with money because it always seemed to be me paying for everything - food, days out, petrol... yet when I suggested we keep a spreadsheet, what was I? Tightfisted? pennypinching? It's pretty much even for Gods sake! So I thought it was just me... Then I did actually keep the receipts and worked out I was spending 90% more than him month by month. So I had a discussion and he couldn't believe I was so 'obsessed with money', 'Surely there's more to life?' So in the end I stopped doing anything with him and refused to take out my card, even if it involved shaming him at the till in front of people in the queue.

It's just so, so hard to have the mental energy to deal with things like that - as not only are you questioning your feelings, you also question the event (e.g. 'Did it happen like that or am I remembering it wrong?) and then on top of that, you question your internal integrity ('Am I really a nasty / mean person like he suggests?') and on top of that, if you have any external people saying how amazing your partner is.... it's just a mountain to climb to work out that your feelings are valid and that actually - they are the one that's a twat, NOT you.

potplant I've spent the last hour worrying that i dismissed your experience. If so please accept my true apologies. My radar for whether i say the right thing or not is totally off.
I'm sure everyone on this thread is used to totally over analysing everything they do or say. It becomes a habit.

The thing about pa is that you seem to spend all your time thinking what did i do, how could i make it better, I'm really bad for snapping.
It took my counsellor saying that if i spend most of my time worrying that I'm an abuser and trying to fix myself then it probably isn't me.

Yes, the over thinking and over analysing is part of it too .

Op - apology not needed, I know what you meant. But thank you anyway.
What kind of counselling did you have?

I believe you. I am NC with my mother but I really struggle to articulate what she did to me to cause that, as it was so subtle and so incremental and over so many years. A lot of people say I should just 'get over it' or it 'can't have been that bad' because she didn't hit me or starve me or anything. It was abuse and neglect on a different level and I think people really struggle to get that. It sounds like this might be similar to your situation so I can certainly empathise.

Ah yes parents. I've got one who truly believes that anyone whos family has been in the country for less than several hundred years should be deported and the other informeded he would willingly pull tbe trigger on paedophiles and gay men.

They are my main support .

Fuuuuuuuck

I believe you too. You've done an amazing job in getting rid of him. Be kind to yourself.

Small steps - it will get better and one day you will smile at something and feel stronger.

I believe you.

Please be kind to yourself - you've had 17 years of this, it won't go away overnight. Getting rid of him was the first step, but just the first step. You will come through this, look how strong you are.

I believe you.

I was always the one with the temper who would yell in fights. He did a line in sad puppy eyes when I'd flip because he was only joking. I was too sensitive and reading into things that weren't there. He had everyone including me convinced that I was the abusive one because I was highly strung, snappy, moody, tearful.

14 years on, I have never lost my temper like that since. And I've faced bereavement, infertility, miscarriages, and all other sorts of trauma I'd never had while I was with him.

You see, he would quietly poke and poke and poke for days and say things that were complimentary but backhanded, gaslighted me, joke at my expense constantly if he was in a good mood. He used to make his moods unbearable walking around on eggshells around him. The pressure would build up and I'd finally shout back and it was all entirely engineered and designed by him.

So I believe you

I believe you. It's or your fault and you will recover. Keep going. You can do this

Oh jiggl. The puppy dog eyes.
And the bumbling.

Designed to make you feel like the most evil person in the world.

The thing that keeps getting me so upset is realising that its designed to hurt you because they hate you. It's not an accident

I believe you. I was you.
I got out 4 years ago and the things that I experienced still affect the way I behave today.
Op, the moment that you left you started to become you again.

"I was just kidding" and "get off my case". Two phrases that the abuser can use to advantage, and make me shudder to recall.

I was always the one that blew too. I had a 'terrible temper". I once threw a bottle of wine at him, and a radio across a garden. Turns out he's still an infuriating dickhead that would test the patience of a Saint, and I've never had a tantrum since...

I believe you. You did well to leave him OP. My first husband was incredibly PA and a gaslighter. Eventually became also physically abusive and so I left. Many many years later and I am married to a wonderful DH now but I still cannot quite shake it off at times. I cannot take criticism easily and I will not put up with PA behaviour from anyone.

The huffs, the shoulder shrugs, the muttering under his breath. The slamming about. But when asked whats up? His reply would be a faked surprise ''nothing'' then after hours or even days sometimes, he would finally tell me what the trivial issue was.

He used to make plans for us to go out, but deliberately not tell me. So I could be sat around no make up on, comfy clothes, messy hair and he would say you had better get ready , you haven't got long til we go out.would ask what he meant and then he would say he had made arrangements (days beforehand) to meet so and so at a bar/restaurant. He loved to spring it on me, then shout hurry up you take ages to get ready and then tell everyone ''sorry we are late ,Cake takes so long doing her hair and make up'' laughing as though it was just a joke when i knew it was down to him.

Yes, whenever there is a woman who appears to be a harridan, I look for the man who is supposed to be her partner to who puts his hands up and says, "Whats going on? I didn't do anything!" Too right: either he did zero, zero, zero in some very difficult situtation ( how easy to have clean hands then), or he triggered some upset then ran away from all responsibility.

Thank you so much everyone. You don't know (or maybe you do) how much it took to make each and every post always expecting someone to say what are you talking about? You're just as bad as him.

Kind me too!

I've remembered another PA trick my ex used to pull. He knew I got anxious round travel and if we had to be anywhere by a certain time would deliberately faff round making us late - on one occasion we nearly missed a flight for a funeral because of this. He actually admitted to me later on that he did this on purpose.

I believe you.
Stbxh has just moved out and I am almost crying with relief to read anecdotes from people who understand, who have been through similar. Everyone thinks he's such a wonderful guy, I'm ungrateful etc. The passive aggressiveness and total lack of respect but none of it overt had been evident for so long, but only to me.
I am so glad you are feeling better op. We will get strong again.

I believe you.
well done. You are clearly stronger than you think you are. Time and space will help a lot, and MN of course.
Background reading / googling and counselling.
There's no need to justify yourself to others just develop some stock responses e.g. "But he seemed so lovely", breezy and knowingly "well they always do!".
Be glad that there are so many people out there who don't get it and are free of abuse (if you can).
I'm so glad you've got your children xx

He showed his pa side primarily through refusing to take responsibility for anything.
Not long after dd2 was born our carbon monoxide detector went off at night.
He went downstairs the sound went off and he went back to bed.
When i queried what had happened he'd simply taken out the batteries!
Then i had to be the one to phone The fire brigade and sort everything out. It was a faulty detector but he didn't know that.

I want to cry and scream with frustration remembering that