I need someone to believe me

[Wilhamenawonka]

This is about abuse. Not sexual financial or physical or even verbal in ways that are generally understood.

It was covert passive aggressive abuse over 17 years and i finally got him to leave 20 months ago. I now know that it involved all the above but so subtly that even now it feels like a fog trying to penetrate it.

Although I know intellectually that it was abuse it's only This week that I've started to get it emotionally and now I'm broken.

I'll never be in another relationship because i can't trust myself to stay safe and also i have vaginismus which ideveloped due to his approach to sex.
Every day more and more things hit me and break my heart all over again.

The thing is that i can't even give examples because I'm so scared of people not getting it and making me question myself again.

I'll never stop questioning if it was all my fault. I'm broken.

Please say you believe me because he is such a master at subtle passive aggressive abuse no one (except my counsellor and close friend) would ever get it.
I'm not a drama queen making this up but thats what I've been telling myself for years.

I feel sick all the time and just need to get it out.

I believe you too.

There's another thread about incompetent husbands here which i couldn't read because i stopped breathing every time i tried.
It's taken 20 months (plus another year that he refused to move out ) to even start to accept that this was abusive - i feel very uncomfortable writing that.

You need to find out what you like again. I spent months listening to new music, watching films and TV, reading books and learning to discard things halfway through, I had no idea what I liked. I liked his things as nothing else was really acceptable.

Same with clothes, I now look completely different, people from then would genuinely not recognise me.

Be your own project, throw yourself into things you find you enjoy. It's hard to start as you will be so conditioned. Spoil yourself, be kind to yourself. It's totally allowed, even if you do have to combat your own negative thoughts first of all.

For instance, my allowed treat was a longish (not too long!) hot bath. I convinced myself it was a treat. I hate baths! I've not had a bath in 3 years, it's boring and a waste of time, I'd rather watch a film. Took me ages to work out it was ok to reject my 'treat' and pick my own damn treat

Another thing - it's ok to go to the cinema, or a gig or join a book group by yourself (you might not like those things, but you can try it). Nobody cares or will comment. If anyone does care enough to comment, well who cares what they think?

Are you on Facebook or Twitter? Do you have any acquaintances on there? Try an upbeat "well I have a free weekend looming, anyone about?" post. Lots of people are looking for company, and it might be the person you least expect that could give you some company.

Sorry for all the posts, but all these things helped me when I was exactly where you are.

My life is pretty great now

Yes, it is cruel. It's like death by a thousand paper cuts.

I'm not for 1 second minimising the awfulness of physical abuse but sometimes, I used to think that at least if it was physical abuse people could see it and would say 'oh yes, isn't he awful'. Emotional abuse is so much more insidious.

Mine used to goad me too. I remember one occasion - we were out shopping with baby DC (not long after I had been diagnosed with severe PND) and literally every time I picked up something to put in the trolley I got pursed lips, tuts, raised eyebrows and comments like 'oh are you sure you want that? Are you sure? Only I thought you were trying to lose weight? I think you should put that back' (and so on). After a few minutes I snapped and told him to fuck off. Not great I know but I was sleep deprived and depressed. Well. How dare I speak to him like that. HOW DARE I. He was embarrassed to be out with me. Look at the state of me, I should be ashamed of myself (etc etc). By the end of this I was a complete sobbing wreck. He then flounced off back to the car leaving me to complete the shop with baby DC. The dressing down continued when I got back to the car and continued until we got home with me sobbing and apologising all the way.

The thing is, to anyone watching, from that snapshot, maybe I did look like a horrible aggressive woman snapping at her long suffering partner.

But, it wasn't just that - it was a pattern of behaviour, and he was abusive. By the time the relationship ended, my self esteem and confidence were at absolute bottom and I was a complete nervous wreck who struggled to make even the simplest of decisions.

Anyway, I hope that's helped a bit (actually quite therapeutic for me to type it out) - it really isn't you, it's him.

The thing is he never stopped me from doing anything.
It was more about him denying himself or making me feel that i was denying him. Him being the perpetual victim and me being the eternal cow while he looked like the nice one.

It sounds silly but he would always run me a bath. Very sweet.
But i was never allowed to run him one. That way he could still look nice and listen to me telling people how lovely he was while making me feel rotten that i didn't do something nice for him.

It's so subtle

I don't know how to exist. I'm not a person. Me too. he made doing anything I wanted to do so awkward and difficult it was easier to not to do it.

So hard to move forward.

He never criticised or did anything mean. On the surface it all looked nice. He never slipped the mask like your ex flippin. It was muc more subtle and more about passively blocking things.

potplant that's it! Not stopping you. Just making it difficult and eventually you feel like a failure because you never doo anything.

found myself in a queue in the supermarket yesterday behind my old landlord. she asked how i was what i had been doing since moving out of her property (she knew perfectly well that i had split with XP as relationship was abusive)
she asked had i seen XP, i said no and she followed that with what a shame it seems like XP has fallen off the face of the Earth. I responded the it wouldn't be a bad thing and she was shocked told me not to be mean.
This was at a checkout, in front of the cashier, surrounded by other shoppers.
i am a few years out of the relationship and still afraid people didn't believe me when i talked the abuse XP was very clever, life and soul, so caring, so generous
I suddenly found inner strength and informed all who wanted to listen that XP was abusive, financially, emotionally and sometimes physically and was a vile person so i could say what i wanted and would say worse if given a chance.
I am positive everyone around me was uncomfortable but it was the first time i could say it and be strong...IN PUBLIC

I believe you, you need to believe you, no one can tell you how you feel, no one can say how you hurt.

you can build up and start again, you will be strong and you will find passion in life again and you will love again!

I know, I have done it!

I'm sure he didn't physically stop you doing things, or even tell you you couldn't. But I bet you knew what you were allowed to do and not. I'd guess you don't have many friends because he didn't like them, or thought you should stay home with him rather than go and meet people.

This stuff is insidious and it will be a while yet til you recognise the full extent of it.

For instance, I was hopeless because I was always in a rush... Because he always made me late for everything! I'm never in a rush now. I always know where my keys are. Dinner is rarely burned... See?

Well done Soon! Took such a long time to publicly say what an awful marriage I had. I felt disloyal. Even after all that

I believe you

I know how you feel, my husband is passive aggressive and also I suspect a narcissist.

He's very charming to other people, and for example if they say he's lucky I let him go out so much (he used to be part of a men's organization and went out a lot) he would say oh I know, but never acknowledged it with me, it was just words to make him look good.

My parents also minimize his behaviour and stick up for him (they've always minimized my feelings but that's a whole other story!) and people think he's very charming.

I went to counseling because I thought I was the problem, thankfully I saw a good counselor who said the things I want from a relationship aren't unreasonable, and I started to see I was always made out to be the problem.

He asked me to go to relationship counseling with him after that (only because I think he thought I would leave) and it was awful as he mamaged to put everything on me.

I had to have more individual counseling after that as it really set me back.

Even now I struggle to think people will believe me, and emotionally abusive seems a strong word for me to use, but it's how I feel, though I know how easy it is to doubt yourself.

Your advice Lila is spot on

you dont have to have someone shouting in your face or hitting you to be controlled.

the passive blocking of eveything you wanted to do is classic

me - i have been invited out with friends, i told them i will probably go
xp - you dont want to go do you?
me - erm not sure now, maybe, oh not really, no, i want to stay in with you
xp - i will make dinner

public - your xp is wonderful cooking you dinner

i stayed in because i knew i couldnt go out even though i wasnt stopped

Sorry, that turned into a bit of an essay and I missed your last post.

Recovery has been a long, slow process and I'm still doing it - mine is complicated by other trauma (long story).

My advice would be, offload to people you trust - perhaps consider looking for a counsellor as agood one is worth their weight in gold. Be kind to yourself and take one step at a time. Understand that things will be difficult, but you will get through them. It's ok to feel sad and angry. Find something that you like to do that he wouldn't allow or made difficult and do it - mine hated me wearing make up and reading (took my attention away from him) so I do both of those things now. You may also find writing things down helpful - I do. Even if no-one else reads what you write.

I hope some of this is helpful :).

I wasn't nice to my 6 year old a few weeks ago and she was upset. Totally my fault. I'd let things (him) get to me and took it out on her.

When he found out he didn't text or phone to tell me to sort myself out.
He didn't try and find out what was going on.
He didn't try and sort it out or reassure her.

What he did do was take her to buy me an apology card in which she pretty much grovelled. Wtf!
I was not that horrible to her but by getting her to do that he's encouraged the idea that I'm scary and need to be indulged and pandered to.

No attempt to deal with things at all and making my child feel like I'm a

For the record I've explained that i was upset at a friend pretending to be nice to me and letting me down and i waa upset. I should never have been mean to her and it was unfair on her.
In other words ive tried to let her see me own my mistake and apologize and to make things better.

lots of good advice here,

read others stories, relate to your own, realise that you KNOW what happened and you wasnt happy.

I believe you and completely understand

I understand what you mean about passively blocking things. Mine used to do that as well. I won't go on as the thread is not about me but really, I do get it.

I suspect you'll also find out, in future, that others don't actually think as highly of your ex as you believe they do. I was so ground down that I just assumed everyone thought I was this awful harridan and he was marvellous for putting up with me.

My story feels like the opposite to some of yours.
I'm the popular social one. I was the one with the career etc.
I was the one who snapped when the games just became too much.

It's because his approach to pa was to be a victim in everything. The better i did the more he could feel like a victim and make me feel bad.

Flip panda - You remind me of similar incident. We were going to a Christmas ball with his work. Black tie do. We went shopping for a dress for me, I wanted something long and covered up (marquee in December). I ended up with his choice of a short strappy low cut dress because everything I picked up and tried on he'd make digs about. I remember sitting crying in the changing rooms but not really understanding why.

Of course, everyone was ooh and aahing about how lucky I was to have him treat me. But I felt like crap shopping for it, and felt underdressed, cold and uncomfortable wearing it.
It sounds ridiculous, I can't explain to myself why I didn't just buy what I wanted. How can I explain it to someone wake?

Just because your story feels different, it doesn't mean he wasn't abusive - abuse takes many forms.

Some abusive men enjoy the challenge of destroying a woman who is happy, confident and successful. They want to bring her down to their level.

Someone mentioned Lundy Bancroft upthread. I don't know if you've read him but I think you may find the book helpful.

I believe you. What a good thing you did to leave,

I think there have been a lot of threads on MN about it if you do a search.

Potplant - it's shit, isn't it? And it is really hard when it looks like a treat on the surface but is actually the opposite. I reckon that's why they do it. I think of it a bit like the bully who makes a nasty comment and then mocks the target for being upset because it was 'just a joke'.

I think part of the fun for them is getting other people to agree how unreasonable you are because that makes you feel more upset and isolated.