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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband took another woman out for lunch

93 replies

tired17 · 12/11/2016 10:56

I'm hoping for some advice as I'm very confused what to do for the best.

DH follows a sports team and often goes away for the weekend if they are playing a long distance away. He has friends he goes with both male and female. He also has a social weekend once a year where they go camping. He came back from the last weekend away to say they had planned a weekend away over August Bank holiday which he was going to because "we never do anything then". I wasn't happy as we had discussed that weekend previously and agreed we wouldn't plan anything as my DD1 should be getting her A level results and making plans to go to university then.

This made me suspicious so I looked at his phone messages (which I know was wrong) and found that he had been sexting a woman from the group telling her he wanted to go away with her etc. He also met her for lunch one of his days off. I'd asked him that day what he had planned and at the end of the day what he had been up to but he hadn't told me. This wasn't a cheap meal in a pub it was an expensive meal which he paid for.

I also found lots of messages from him to other female friends that were slagging me off and saying how unreasonable I was.

I confronted him about the meal which he admitted. I have also told him I've seen the messages. He is completely ignoring the fact that I am not happy about this, even trying to discuss where we should go on holiday next year. For what it's worth it don't think anything physical has gone on. The OW said that she was not interested in an affair with a married man.

I now don't know what to do. I feel that if there is no trust left then it is difficult to carry on, the fact that he messaged multiple times complaining about me really hurts. But I don't want to disrupt my children. The oldest is coming up to her a levels and then uni so I feel disruption would be really bad for her. My youngest would also be devastated.

We had a joint account, I have told him that I've opened my own account and my salary will be going in there in the future and I will transfer half of the bills to him because I don't want to subsidise him taking other women out any more.

He thinks I am over reacting about the whole thing and I am so confused. Can anyone give me their opinion please. It would help to get another perspective on the best way forward.

OP posts:

AhNurts · 12/11/2016 11:00

There's so little respect for you here! You poor thing, to have your character assassinated like that by other people.

It sounds like he is very controlling and emotionally abusive. The timing sucks but maybe start getting everything practical sorted so you can get the hell out as soon as your eldests A levels are done and dusted. How old is your youngest? Perhaps most importantly, your children need to be taught that being treated/treating people like this is NOT okay.

AhNurts · 12/11/2016 11:01

Also it sounds like he doesn't think you'll leave, another huge mark of disrespect. I'd surprise the B.

Goosegettingfat · 12/11/2016 11:02

Agree with pp

0hCrepe · 12/11/2016 11:03

He's trying desperately to minimise what he's done and carry on as normal making future plans etc. An outside perspective is that he's betrayed you and you are not over reacting at all. Good move with the banking. Take your time to think about what you want in the future from a partner and whether you're getting that.

SandyY2K · 12/11/2016 11:04

My honest opinion and what I'd do is to ask him to leave and file for divorce. He's not bothered about what he did and the fact he hasn't slept with her is only because she wasn't up for it.

Then the sexting and slagging you off to others. Well he doesn't respect you and wouldn't talk that way if he loved you.

Why do you think the marriage is worth being in after what he's done? Because the slagging off would be more than enough for me to be done.

HuskyLover1 · 12/11/2016 11:05

It would be over for me, I'm afraid. He has betrayed your trust massively. Sexting other women, and running you down to other women. I would not be able to trust him ever again. I hate to say it, but just because this one woman refused his advances, doesn't mean that others will have. He's had ample opportunity to sleep with other women, on the weekends away.

What you are dealing with is this:

Man who wants to cheat + Man who moans about his wife to other women + Man who goes away without his wife, several times a year + Man who secretly takes other women out for expensive meals

= Man who has most likely cheated.

To think otherwise, you'd have to be wearing horse blinkers.

Sorry, it sucks, been there and bought the T-shirt.

Don't feel bad for checking his phone. I'd carry on doing that tbh. You are making sure you know the facts, and that's never wrong.

BerlinerBelle · 12/11/2016 11:07

OK - so as far as he's concerned wining and dining other women, planning dirty weekends away with them (albeit that didn't work out) and slagging you off to other women is OK and no big deal. He's made that clear.

That leaves you with the choice of whether or not to accept it.

It may be because of your children's ages / school years that divorce is not the right thing NOW - but perhaps in 6 months? Get some advice - look at your options, spend some time thinking about what you want from life/relationships. You don't have to do anything right away, but you do need to decide how long you can survive like this.

I am sorry that he isn't grovelling and apologising and trying to fix your marriage. I'm afraid that speaks volumes about what he thinks about you.

Inertia · 12/11/2016 11:08

He has betrayed your trust and now thinks you should get over it. He doesn't even respect you enough to feel the tiniest bit sorry. It's virtually impossible to sustain a marriage through such total contempt.

DonaldStott · 12/11/2016 11:12

For starters, I think the title of your OP is totally downplaying your actual OP, and is just part ofa catalogue of disgusting treatment by your partner. He sounds vile. He has zero respect for you. He thinks you are a mug. Slagging you off to other women. Using family money to wine and dine other women. Planning trips away with other women. Wake up. Leave.

BerlinerBelle · 12/11/2016 11:12

Oh and have to agree with Husky - I would put money on him having cheated many times before - that's why it's not such a big deal for him. He just doesn't have the respect for you or his wedding vows. Sorry.

Original poster

tired17 · 12/11/2016 11:13

Thanks for the responses, I wasn't expecting any so quickly. My youngest is 13 and my oldest is 17, they are both girls and part of me thinks of what sort of messages I would be giving them by putting up with it and staying.

He was very surprised when I told him about the bank account, I'm not sure if he thinks I will have gone through with it. However I have and he will find out on Payday!

The reason I would stay (if that is the eventual outcome) would be for the girls stability, it isn't good timing now for them to be disrupted. Even if he had apologised I wouldn't feel as bad but crepe was right when they said he is trying to minimise it.

OP posts:

OlennasWimple · 12/11/2016 11:15

Taking a woman for lunch = not a big deal in itself

Sexting another woman = complete deal breaker (in my book)

BerlinerBelle · 12/11/2016 11:19

I totally get staying for the kids to provide stability. (I've got the t-shirt - but it didn't end well - or rather it did when I eventually left).

If you stay - how long for?
Until your eldest leaves home? Your youngest is 13 - until she leaves home? Or you stay forever, so that they never have to endure the pain of the break-up and you suffer silently?

PterodactylToenails · 12/11/2016 11:22

Pack him a suitcase containing his clothes and leave it by the door.

NotTheFordType · 12/11/2016 11:26

Is he your DD's dad? You said "my" DD so I'm not sure.

Wdigin2this · 12/11/2016 11:28

Look, you've been slagged off to other women by this twat, you've been lied to and cheated on, (whether he slept around nor not, and I bet he has) you've been made to feel you're over-reacting and ...you've been totally humiliated and disrespected

How many more reasons do you need, to get him out of your life, how much more do you think you'll have to take, before you wake up to reality??? Your DD's will get over it, yes it'll be hard, but better than them growing up with this idiot for a role model!!!

MissBattleaxe · 12/11/2016 11:30

He's telling you you're over reacting AND he hasn't apologised?

Get him out.

My parents divorced when I was young and we adapted to new houses and a new routine etc. However, what made it difficult was our parents slating each other via us all the time.

if you can keep it civil, then your children may well prefer a clean break to house with an atmosphere and a very unhappy mum.

Cary2012 · 12/11/2016 11:31

I stayed in a marriage for the kids, thinking it would be easier if they were older. I'll wait until they've done their GCSEs, then I'll wait until they've done their A levels, I'd tell myself. There's never a good time for the kids. But if you stay 'for the kids' don't for one minute think that they won't know how unhappy you are, and this will effect them terribly.

Mine were all teenagers, I thought I'd done such a good job, pretending I was ok, but after I split with their dad I found out that they knew far more than I realised. They had spent a lot of time worrying about me and their dad, knowing things weren't right. Once we split they were I think relieved because the thing they dreaded had happened and we all did better than survive it.

AdoraBell · 12/11/2016 11:31

I agree with Berliner, take time to think about what you want and get organised, by all means wait until the A levels are out of the way, but don't wait decades.

Well done on the money front, smart move. Maybe get legal advice and find out what your rights and options are. If you have time and inclination I would suggest speaking to lots of law firms because once the advise you they can't advise him in a divorce. But I am evil.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/11/2016 11:31

Cut yourself some slack. If you think it is time to finish the relationship, then it is time. My father died when I was 16 and in the middle of exams. If you can be a strong mum and explain the situation, your dds will cope. I only found out 3 1/2 weeks before he died that he had terminal cancer. Your eldest is nowhere near her exams yet and if she were, I wouldn't be writing this. Its better to end things now than in 6 months time when he's actually slept with other women and your dd is taking her exams. There is also no right time to do this. Your elder dd may feel massively destabilised if you split as soon as she goes to uni and your younger dd will no longer have her elder sister to lean on.

Chinlo · 12/11/2016 11:34

If your eldest has just finished A levels, then it's not the worst time! First year of uni is always a doss anyway.

I personally couldn't stay with somebody who was emotionally cheating on me, sexting other people and going on dates with them. Even if nothing physical had happened, the trust and love would be gone.

BerlinerBelle · 12/11/2016 11:34

Taking a woman for lunch = not a big deal in itself

Maybe - but that's not what the OP said. She said he took this woman out for a really nice lunch in a posh restaurant on his day off and then 'forgot' to mention it- we're not talking about catching up with a work colleague at Nando's!

It's all part of the same behaviour.

ivykaty44 · 12/11/2016 11:37

Well this female has told him she doesn't want an affair with a married man, so he's been knocked back. Plenty of other fish in the sea, it won't be long before he attempts hitting on another woman.

He is staying until he finds someone else, sorry.

But if I were you I would put my house in order ready for when you do decide what to do.

SpunkyMummy · 12/11/2016 11:39

The taking a woman to lunch part wouldn't bother me. DH often has business lunches.

The sexting, the slagging you off, the apparently romantic lunch??! That's awful.

He doesn't seem to respect you at all. I'm so sorry. Hugs.

thatdearoctopus · 12/11/2016 11:40

He doesn't get to tell you how to feel about this.

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