Husband took another woman out for lunch

[tired17]

I'm hoping for some advice as I'm very confused what to do for the best.

DH follows a sports team and often goes away for the weekend if they are playing a long distance away. He has friends he goes with both male and female. He also has a social weekend once a year where they go camping. He came back from the last weekend away to say they had planned a weekend away over August Bank holiday which he was going to because "we never do anything then". I wasn't happy as we had discussed that weekend previously and agreed we wouldn't plan anything as my DD1 should be getting her A level results and making plans to go to university then.

This made me suspicious so I looked at his phone messages (which I know was wrong) and found that he had been sexting a woman from the group telling her he wanted to go away with her etc. He also met her for lunch one of his days off. I'd asked him that day what he had planned and at the end of the day what he had been up to but he hadn't told me. This wasn't a cheap meal in a pub it was an expensive meal which he paid for.

I also found lots of messages from him to other female friends that were slagging me off and saying how unreasonable I was.

I confronted him about the meal which he admitted. I have also told him I've seen the messages. He is completely ignoring the fact that I am not happy about this, even trying to discuss where we should go on holiday next year. For what it's worth it don't think anything physical has gone on. The OW said that she was not interested in an affair with a married man.

I now don't know what to do. I feel that if there is no trust left then it is difficult to carry on, the fact that he messaged multiple times complaining about me really hurts. But I don't want to disrupt my children. The oldest is coming up to her a levels and then uni so I feel disruption would be really bad for her. My youngest would also be devastated.

We had a joint account, I have told him that I've opened my own account and my salary will be going in there in the future and I will transfer half of the bills to him because I don't want to subsidise him taking other women out any more.

He thinks I am over reacting about the whole thing and I am so confused. Can anyone give me their opinion please. It would help to get another perspective on the best way forward.

I'm sorry to say this but this man dies not respect you. If he did he would not have done this. He clearly doesn't even feel guilty or he would be bending over backwards apologising and trying to make it better.

Please leave him

Unless he was willing and wanting to rectify the situation, i can pretty much guarantee the atmosphere in the house will get a lot worse very quickly-every time he goes out you'll be left wondering. Kids are adaptable, if you walk away now, they'll have better memories of the happy times, than if you leave it and it becomes toxic with sniping etc. I can totally understand your reason for staying but what child would want to put their mum through that?

The most unforgivable thing for me is that he's not sorry and thinks you just need to get over it. If he doesn't think what he's done is a big deal then what's to stop him doing it again?

It is a big deal, you know it is. I suspect he wouldn't just get over it if you were slagging him off to other men, sexting other men and going on dates.

Is your eldest is uni or year 13?

You seem to have a window there before the younger one starts her GCSE course in which to lance the boil with minimal disruption.

Once A levels are done it is the best time. She will be off to Uni anyway and before you know it will be more interested in her life there. The youngest is not at a pivotal stage at 13 so best done now.

My mum waited and waited and waited and waited and........you know the rest. She stayed with him, unhappy and miserable all her life and now he is dead she is as bitter as is possible at her wasted life when frankly she has no one to blame but herself because neither me or my sister are grateful she held on and wish she would have gone.

It just takes guts but he is and will continue taking the piss!

The fact he is saying by his actions and words that he isn't bothered means you either deal with it or accept it.

Sandy has said it all, he is not even bothered to show regret. There is none.

I took photos of the messages I found and keep looking back at them - he says they are just flirting messages but to me they look a lot more than that. Once again I really appreciate everyone taking the time to post. I need to continue to consider my options and weigh everything up but at least now I know that I'm not over reacting.

Obviously he doesn't know I have the photos. Just a question we jointly own the house so I'm thinking that I can't force him to move out?

Sandy is absolutely spot on and I would go as far as replicating all he's doing with another man if necessary to teach him a lesson. Having said that he's shown you so little regard I'm not sure it's actually worth the bother and you're mad to consider staying in this pretense of a marriage until the next milestone with your dcs, that could go on forever.

If my husband took a woman out for an expensive meal he would be wearing his bollocks as ear muffs.

If he took a woman out for an expensive meal without telling me and I found out
His belongings would be following him out of the door.
Don't accept the dregs.
Pull up your self esteem because it's on the floor right now.

My cousin stayed with her husband....he wasn't a cheat by the way.....
Every time she wanted to leave something croppped up, then he got seriously ill and she couldn't bear to leave.

Strike while the iron is hot. If he has a stroke you could end up stuck with him.

Another cousin stayed with her miserable bastard of a husband for 30 years because she wanted the house.
30 years....unbelievable.
She'd have got half if she'd left and might have met someone more suit able.

= Man who has most likely cheated.

Sorry, but you probably need to get a STI test done.

Every time she wanted to leave something croppped up, then he got seriously ill and she couldn't bear to leave.

Yes. .. I know a friend this happened to. He was diagnosed with cancer and she was stuck with him. She was extremely bitter and even more bitter when he died.

A total waste of 20 years and her kids told her she should have left years ago. She stayed for them, yet they told her it was a sham marriage.

Didn't read the whole thread but LEAVE / KICK HIM OUT. Kids or not. Once you are both sorted individually as parents you can do your job as a parent. You don't need to stay with a devious bastard to do that. Don't waste your life with someone who is actively looking for other women - he is behaving as though he is single. In his head he probably is and that won't change. It's convenient him to play husband but he has mentally decided now that he wants other relationships. What if he forms something serious with someone else? Are you going to wait until him and a new woman tell you to leave? I could never ever get past something like this - if my partner allowed let alone encouraged other woman to slag me off. No loyalty from him. I would have so much rage I cannot tell you. Start again and make your life better than it ever was with him. Your daughter will be having the time of her life at uni - she will he fine. But she will be even more fine if you tell her cheating bastard father to go get on with whatever sleazy sports wknds he wants. Vile. I would shake things up good and properly for him.

Sorry I realise my post sounded harsh and you must be so vulnerable right now. But when I read this I am mesmerised that he has got you in a place mentally where he thinks he can convince you this is ok. What planet is he on?!!!!! He hasn't given you a choice. He is taking the absolute piss and telling you to deal with it. Basically. So either you do that and get bored of being upset about it or you tell him where to go. Please please please get rid - I don't think this can be repaired unless you are brave enough to leave and demand respect for yourself. A piece of advice someone gave me once on men "if you wouldn't give him to your sister then don't keep him yourself" I don't know if that makes sense or if you have a sister but would you tell any other woman in a similar situation to accept this? No you wouldn't. Know your own self worth. Xxx

And life is very very short. Everyone deserves better than this. You will not be happy with him after this I don't think, I mean I don't see how you could be? There is something / someone better out there for you. I think I would lose the plot completely if I tried to stay with someone who did this to me.

The OW said that she was not interested in an affair with a married man

As the OW failed to state that she was not interested in having an affair with him, I see no reason for complacency as he may have taken this to mean that she'll be up for if he leaves you and be making his plans accordingly.

I'll be interested to know his reaction come 'pay day' and suggest you transfer your contribution to household outgoings/bills etc in dribs and drabs as and when required, rather than forking out a lump sum which he may be tempted to use for other purposes.

The reason I would stay (if that is the eventual outcome) would be for the girls stability, it isn't good timing now for them to be disrupted

It seems to me that while you're intent on maintaining some semblance of normality for your dc, he's unlikely to be so considerate of their needs and could leave without prior notice at any time.

Regardless of age/academic progress/etc, having to move home/change schools/leave their friends may prove disruptive for your dds, but any disruption will be minimal if he vacates the family home now leaving you to continue to provide stability for them.

I suggest you tell him to rent a room/bedsit nearby so that the dds can see him regularly while you decide whether you can come to terms with his disrespectful behaviour and gross betrayal of your trust.

It's a very difficult situation for you op. I can only speak from the point of view of the child in the situation. If you want to work on the marriage and think there is a chance of reconciliation then by all means try. If not and given the amount of disrespect shown to you I completely understand that. Firstly your girls will know something is wrong and secondly there won't be a good time there will always be something and when you can't put up with it any more it will still hurt them! I don't mean to put you off at all but ultimately you need to decide what you can forgive and then make the choice, the girls will adapt and be ok. I can say as a child of divorce (my parents split when I was 18) it was awful at the time but honestly I would rather live with my parents seperate and happy then have continued with with lie they were living for the sake of me and my brother I hope that helps you.

I second the above. My parents also thought they were doing the right thing but I only really started going back "home" when they were no longer together. Peace at last!

He thinks I am over reacting about the whole thing

He is being very manipulative. This is really 'gaslighting' isn't it? He's behaved in an appalling way and he's now trying to make you doubt yourself, trying to make you feel like you are being the unreasonable one.

Sexting is not 'just flirting'. Meeting a woman in secret on his day off for an expensive restaurant lunch is not the same as just going for a quick pub lunch with a colleague or something. The OW told him she didn't want an affair - the implication being that if she had wanted one, he'd have jumped right in.

I'm all for keeping a sense of proportion and reacting to things in a considered and rational way. I have male friends/colleagues I meet up with for lunch or a drink now again and my partner has female ones, so I'm not someone who gets jealous or thinks every social interaction with the opposite sex is an affair waiting to happen - but I've read your post several times over and I honestly can't see any excuse whatsoever for the way your husband's behaving. He's treating you like shite and, even worse, he's trying to manipulate you into thinking that's normal and making out that you are the problem. I don't think I could stay in that relationship.

This is definitely not on. It seems like you sadly lack self-respect at the moment as you're thinking you 'might be overreacting'. Your H probably knows you lack self-esteem, otherwise he wouldn't be actively looking for an OW which is what he is de facto doing.

As soon as he finds an OW he is gone, or you will have to agree to an open relationship... Doesn't sound like a good deal for you anyway.

Agree with this: I suggest you tell him to rent a room/bedsit nearby so that the dds can see him regularly while you decide whether you can come to terms with his disrespectful behaviour and gross betrayal of your trust.

Poor you. He's not honest with you, or himself. Trying to cheat is grim. But his ability to convince himself it was no big deal and to belittle your concerns makes me think he's an awful person. Selfish and no empathy. I can see why you would feel unable to stay with him.

Overreacting? You are seriously under reacting. I would have slung him out by now.
This is not how you treat someone who is meant to be your partner and love you.
As already said by other people there is never a good time for the kids.
I couldn't get past going away for whole weekends following a sports team though.
You and family have never been his priority.

Just sat and read all the replies. I don't see a way to repair the relationship particularly as he is trying to carry on as we were before. I still don't know if I have the courage to try to end it, I know that he won't move out and I have the girls to consider so moving would be very difficult.

I really appreciate all the responses even though some of them were hard to read and have reduced me to tears.

I absolutely would end my marriage over this. He has betrayed your trust and then minimised it and dismissed your valid feelings.

I would see a solicitor and commence a divorce. Chances are he will have to leave the marital home as a consequence of that action whether he wants to or not. At least make an appointment - many will provide 30 mins advice for free. Once you have all the info you can decide what to do next.

If you stay, you give him carte blanche to do it again, and the next woman he texts asking for a shag might not be so fussy.

Tired

If he was apologising and begging forgiveness for his stupidity and his appalling behaviour, that would be one thing.

Instead he's telling you that you're overeacting and that essentially means that sexting, propositioning another woman and slagging your wife off to other women are no big deal to him.

He definitely wanted an affair with her and he's made it clear to her, otherwise she wouldn't have said she wasn't interested. She didn't get the wrong end of the stick, otherwise he would have said "I'm not asking for an affair. I love my wife and I was just being friendly.

In all his messages, was there anything positive or complementary about you?
I just can't get round how he thinks you'd want to be married to him, after what you've discovered and all I can think is it's his feeling of entitlement and confidence.

The confidence that "Tired isn't going to leave me. She'd never."
That total arrogance is unbelievable.

While you're thinking, tell him to stop talking about the future with you, because while he fails to acknowledge, realise, understand or show remorse for what he's done .... there is no future as far as the marriage is concerned.

A statement like that isn't threatening or giving ultimatums, it's just making it clear.

I don't like to see marriages end especially with kids involved, but the blatant disrespect makes it impossible to have any trust and have a decent marriage, with his minimising.