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Original poster

Husband took another woman out for lunch

93 replies

tired17 · 12/11/2016 10:56

I'm hoping for some advice as I'm very confused what to do for the best.

DH follows a sports team and often goes away for the weekend if they are playing a long distance away. He has friends he goes with both male and female. He also has a social weekend once a year where they go camping. He came back from the last weekend away to say they had planned a weekend away over August Bank holiday which he was going to because "we never do anything then". I wasn't happy as we had discussed that weekend previously and agreed we wouldn't plan anything as my DD1 should be getting her A level results and making plans to go to university then.

This made me suspicious so I looked at his phone messages (which I know was wrong) and found that he had been sexting a woman from the group telling her he wanted to go away with her etc. He also met her for lunch one of his days off. I'd asked him that day what he had planned and at the end of the day what he had been up to but he hadn't told me. This wasn't a cheap meal in a pub it was an expensive meal which he paid for.

I also found lots of messages from him to other female friends that were slagging me off and saying how unreasonable I was.

I confronted him about the meal which he admitted. I have also told him I've seen the messages. He is completely ignoring the fact that I am not happy about this, even trying to discuss where we should go on holiday next year. For what it's worth it don't think anything physical has gone on. The OW said that she was not interested in an affair with a married man.

I now don't know what to do. I feel that if there is no trust left then it is difficult to carry on, the fact that he messaged multiple times complaining about me really hurts. But I don't want to disrupt my children. The oldest is coming up to her a levels and then uni so I feel disruption would be really bad for her. My youngest would also be devastated.

We had a joint account, I have told him that I've opened my own account and my salary will be going in there in the future and I will transfer half of the bills to him because I don't want to subsidise him taking other women out any more.

He thinks I am over reacting about the whole thing and I am so confused. Can anyone give me their opinion please. It would help to get another perspective on the best way forward.

OP posts:

Mix56 · 13/11/2016 16:10

"He would never move out",
You are the primary care giver, the law is on your side. & if nothing else, you are married, the house is half yours. You can force a sale.
I would make an appointment with the CAB, find out your financial situation.
Line your ducks up, & tell him you are not interesting in sharing this sham of a marriage any longer & he can follow his sorry dick & run after women now as he is no longer married.
Watch him desperately back pedal with pity only

AnyFucker · 13/11/2016 16:20

You are hugely under reacting

You are also using your girls as an excuse to not change the status quo (which sounds utterly shit)

That might suit you for now but at least acknowledge the truth of it. I don't suppose they would appreciate knowing you made such a doormat of yourself for their sakes

Your husband sounds like a grade A pick and they way this is going there will be consequences to his behaviour at all

I would think very, very carefully about the lessons that scenario are giving to your daughters

AnyFucker · 13/11/2016 16:22

prick

no consequences

SleepingTiger · 13/11/2016 17:09

Yes, set a great example.

Jiggl · 13/11/2016 18:40

He went on a date.

That's all there is to it - he was sexting/ messaging someone and met them for a date. That indicates that he had enough interest to try. On her part it sounds like she is interested but is nobody's fool. She's not going to be anyone's bit on the side. Still daft enough to find a man willing to cheat on his wife attractive, mind.

He went on a date. And he's not even one bit sorry. The bang of entitlement off him for this is breathtaking - how arrogant he must be to think you are somehow over-reacting.

buckeejit · 13/11/2016 18:46

Sorry you're going through this. I think you should tell the girls but keep a brave face on for them then change the locks when he's out. He's a twat.

Iamdobby63 · 14/11/2016 09:44

So as he sees nothing wrong in flirty messages and taking other women out for lunch he plans on continuing?

This isn't acceptable to you so therefore he should adjust his behaviour.

Give yourself time and try to create some space if you can.

Mix56 · 14/11/2016 10:06

You only had his word for it that OW rejected him. & of course his word can be trusted
You can be 100% certain he has down played this, they all do.

Iamdobby63 · 14/11/2016 11:09

He seems very confident you won't divorce him, why is this? Has he made you feel worthless?

AntiqueSinger · 14/11/2016 11:59

Sorry, but going to be a bit bitchy here (with the best intentions I promise)

IMO you are contributing to his behaviour, and aiding and abetting it. You are enabling his taking you for granted and swanning around making holiday plans - like slagging you off to other women and asking if their vaginas are available to rent is just all just fine and dandy.

Sustaining his massively inflated sense of entitlement.

I mean WTF is he still in your house? Why exactly? What stand have you taken here? Kick him the fuck out! Even for a few days. Let him sweat. He should be stuck on the sofa at a friends or in a hotel room somewhere wondering, what reception he'll get when he comes home, if you allow him home.

You are being way too passive here. What he has done is atrocious! The only reason he is isn't out shagging someone else is because she was decent enough to refuse.

You have to show him that he isn't safe to do whatever the fuck he wants to you. That you deserve respect. That he's crossed a line. Ok you changed the finances. But I doubt with an ego that huge, that It'll shake him up too much. He's still gandering about the house, having jeopardised everything.

I understand completely you not wanting to leave just now for the eldest DD. A-level results matter. But that does not mean you cannot tell him to get out for a few days. He knows you very well. Give him a shock. You deserve respect. The derision of you is unacceptable. I am very angry on your behalf.

adora1 · 14/11/2016 12:10

So you're staying with a nasty prick who is trying to have sex with other women and is also slagging you off to them all.

Why? Your relationship is dead, he has no love for you, you just don't do that to a person you love and care for, his attitude is disgusting, it's like he knows you wont leave and he can what he likes.

You need to make plans to separate, this won't go away or get better, do not stay out of some sense of duty, it's over, you can't possibly continue with a man that has done this.

adora1 · 14/11/2016 12:11

And yes he should have been told to fuck off the second you found out, his sense of his own self worth is astounding, take back control, let him see you are not going to be a doormat.

YouMeanYouForgotCranberriesToo · 14/11/2016 13:14

Don't wait, tell him to leave now and start divorce proceedings. There is plenty of time before your dd does her exams.

LesisMiserable · 14/11/2016 13:28

It's rare I can't see both sides of a situation on here to some degree but no, he's an idiot. He would have cheated if she'd said yes. It fell through so he's gone back to planning what you two are doing as if nothing happened?? Nope. At the very least you need to put him out until YOU decide whether he's worthy of you and his family home still. Tell him to get the f* out seriously. What a grade A penis.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2016 13:43

I've already said that the OP should get legal advice. I think once she is ready then she should start divorce proceedings.

But for now, how do you get your husband out of your house when he is refusing to go?

user1469928875 · 14/11/2016 14:56

Change the locks and leave his shit outside on the floor.

user1469928875 · 14/11/2016 14:57

And let him explain why to his daughters if he can't manage to get the message and leave.

SandyY2K · 14/11/2016 16:42

The disrespect and disregard from him to you is unbelievable.

he had been sexting a woman from the group telling her he wanted to go away with her etc

He also met her for lunch one of his days off.

I'd asked him that day what he had planned and at the end of the day what he had been up to but he hadn't told me.

This wasn't a cheap meal in a pub it was an expensive meal which he paid for.

I also found lots of messages from him to other female friends that were slagging me off and saying how unreasonable I was.

He is completely ignoring the fact that I am not happy about this

he says they are just flirting messages but to me they look a lot more than that

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