Husband took another woman out for lunch

[tired17]

I'm hoping for some advice as I'm very confused what to do for the best.

DH follows a sports team and often goes away for the weekend if they are playing a long distance away. He has friends he goes with both male and female. He also has a social weekend once a year where they go camping. He came back from the last weekend away to say they had planned a weekend away over August Bank holiday which he was going to because "we never do anything then". I wasn't happy as we had discussed that weekend previously and agreed we wouldn't plan anything as my DD1 should be getting her A level results and making plans to go to university then.

This made me suspicious so I looked at his phone messages (which I know was wrong) and found that he had been sexting a woman from the group telling her he wanted to go away with her etc. He also met her for lunch one of his days off. I'd asked him that day what he had planned and at the end of the day what he had been up to but he hadn't told me. This wasn't a cheap meal in a pub it was an expensive meal which he paid for.

I also found lots of messages from him to other female friends that were slagging me off and saying how unreasonable I was.

I confronted him about the meal which he admitted. I have also told him I've seen the messages. He is completely ignoring the fact that I am not happy about this, even trying to discuss where we should go on holiday next year. For what it's worth it don't think anything physical has gone on. The OW said that she was not interested in an affair with a married man.

I now don't know what to do. I feel that if there is no trust left then it is difficult to carry on, the fact that he messaged multiple times complaining about me really hurts. But I don't want to disrupt my children. The oldest is coming up to her a levels and then uni so I feel disruption would be really bad for her. My youngest would also be devastated.

We had a joint account, I have told him that I've opened my own account and my salary will be going in there in the future and I will transfer half of the bills to him because I don't want to subsidise him taking other women out any more.

He thinks I am over reacting about the whole thing and I am so confused. Can anyone give me their opinion please. It would help to get another perspective on the best way forward.

I actually think the worst part is slagging you off to other women. That's really disrespectful and incredibly unkind. He's meant to be your partner, your support, your back up in life. Not the guy stabbing you in the back whenever he gets the chance.

And yeah, I think the fact that he tried to cheat is nearly as bad as actually cheating. He didn't have a moment of sanity or see the error of his ways. He just got turned down.

AND he doesn't even see what he's done wrong? He's being a complete jerk, OP, and I'm so sorry. You deserve better.

he has zero respect for you

so he would have had the affair if this ow said yes

just get out now-there isnt a good time u will always find a reason not to

my dh stayed for his kids with his ex it made him ill

your kids are older they will cope

As others have said going out for lunch in itself isn't crime of the century, nor is wanting to do something hobby related in bank holiday if it's not his DD who is getting exam results.
But the sexting, expensive lunch out, saying nasty things about you to other women seems a horrible way to behave.
Luckily the other women seem to have the measure of him! If he's not the father of the DDs then it might be better to cut your losses and finish the relationship. Might be harder if it's their Dad, as it might be more upsetting for them.

Really sorry this is happening to you op. My friends parents waited til she went off to uni (she's the youngest) before splitting. She said she wished they'd just got it over a done with years ago cos they all knew something was up.

He took this woman for a meal because he wanted to shag her not because they were mates. That is bad.

If she had said yes he would have done.

He is telling all his women 'friends' what a cow you are to get sympathy and figure out which ones are available or gullible enough to fall for it.

You may have got lucky and caught him the first time. He may have been doing this lots.

Bottom line he is looking to cheat, has zero shame or apologies, zero respect or basic respect for you and doesn't believe you will do anything.

Now is the perfect time. One DD just finished exams other has 2-3 years to adjust and do hers.

Make your plans.

*basic care that should be

Well done on the bank account. Now take some legal advice on your options re divorce. Don't let him know what you're thinking until you've got it all sorted out in your head - if he gets a chance he will deprive you of as much money as possible to fund his single lifestyle. If he has so little respect for you within marriage he's not going to be fair about divorce.

I can understand you wanting to stay till your eldest has taken her A-levels.

It will be hard though, to even be civil I would think.

Use the time to seek legal advice, copy papers and plan what you are going to do.

When she's taken her last exam tell him your plans.

Good luck.

If you wait until the times right to leave him the time will never be right! There will always be something to hold you back. Eldest A levels, uni choice, then youngest GCSE then A levels then uni choice. There is no respect there... sorry

It's the lack of respect and concern for your feelings after being caught out, not just the actions that is worrying. I would make plans for financial independence if I were you

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to post. Yes he is my DDs father to those who were asking.

With regard to the lunch it wasn't so much that he went, had he told me I probably wouldn't have worried. It was the secrecy around it, the lying about his plans before and after that makes me suspicious.

For the poster who said about it not being a good time either if I wait until my eldest is finished her exams and on her way to uni then that is also something I have thought about.

I'm glad others don't think I am over reacting about the situation I just feel very trapped and confused at the moment about the best thing to do. Luckily I would be able to cope financially just about.

Absolutely not on! What the hell?! Would he be fine with you going out for lunch with another man? Sounds like he knows he can walk all over you and is quite happily doing so. Then making out you are the unreasonable one.
Controlling arseHooooole!

I was in the same situation as you - but with 2 kids doing GCSE and A levels. We stayed together from the October until they had done their exams and then he moved out. It would have been easier if he hadn't spent that time on dating sites and IMing potential girlfriends so that he would have someone to move onto. By the November after they did their exams he had emigrated - that's how much he cared.

If I were you I wouldn't tell him that you are planning to separate (although obviously you won't want to be arranging a holiday) otherwise his behaviour might become all the more blatant and hurt you and your daughters more. (He already shows indifference to your feelings and a breathtaking lack of empathy). Just inform him after your DD's last exam and decide together how to explain it to them.

Believe me, by this time next year your life will feel so much lighter.

You are not overreacting, not by a long mile.

I'm sorry but your DH is seriously disrespecting you. It sounds like he is going around this group of women trying to find one who will have sex with him. Women don't slag of another mans wife to that man without being lead into it. Sorry.

Doesnt sound like he is in the least bit bothered, I guess he thinks he is safe because he claims actual sex wasn't involved.

Ask him for space if that's what you want, see if he will move out or move into spare bedroom if that's possible, give yourself some thinking time.

So the only reason it's not a physical affair is because the other woman, not your husband, said no?

How was your relationship before this? It seem s like he has slowly been disengaging or he genuinely thought he could flirt/be disrespectful and have no consequences on your marriage.

I'd also plan to go after your daughter does her a levels and gets her results. This isn't ok. There is definitely a betrayal there. For the very least he is running uou down to other women,

Do t forget to transfer half the money in the joint account into your new account too. And exactly half your savings.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship any longer.

Do not do your bit also to show your children that a loveless marriage could also become their "norm" too. Its not their fault their dad has decided to do this, he is the one who has broken up the marriage by his actions.

I also think your children would be more devastated if they discovered that you only stayed longer because of them. They cannot and must not be used as the glue here to bind you and he together.

Would not hang on for another year just because of your DDs exams; I would make the break sooner rather than later. I would also think your children are more aware than you think they are that things are bad at home between you and he. They know and see a lot more than you care to realise; they pick up on all the tensions spoken and unspoken between you two.

Oh that's really awful of him, taking another woman for an expensive lunch, but her then saying she's not interested in a married man, why the lunch then, and the sexting, she's sending mixed messages. But he is truly a piece of work, brushing off your concerns and talking about holidays. Wtf, is he up to, you need answers. He's messing you around big time, especially the slagging you off to others. Are they his female friends, he's complaining about you to?. I just wouldn't think much of a man that did this.? I do feel empathy for you, and I'm completely at a loss as to why men who are like he is, even attract women in the first place. You really need to give him an ultimatum. Sorry to say. Be brave.

Get rid. You did nothing wrong, but he's done plenty.

Get rid - don't hang about waiting for the right moment - that moment will never come. Good luck.

Husky nailed it with this below. ...

Man who wants to cheat + Man who moans about his wife to other women + Man who goes away without his wife, several times a year + Man who secretly takes other women out for expensive meals

= Man who has most likely cheated.

Just because this is the first time you've caught him sexting, doesn't mean it's the first time he's done it. Or that it's the first he's slagged you off to other women.

Does he slag you off to his male friends too? Or just the women that he'll get sympathy from ... in the hopes it'll lead to more?

Because even if my DH has done something to annoy me, I might mention it and have a moan to a female friend. .. to see if I'm being unreasonable, but not to other men. Because if nothing else, they'll know the lines to try and spin me, it gives them an insight to my marriage and it's disrespecting my DH.

Tell me ..... if you went out to lunch with another man, sexted him and slagged your husband off to a number of male friends, is he going to feel okay about that? Would he just trug along with life and be happy for you to dismiss it?

My DH did something once and I posed the same question to him. I said if he thought it was okay, then I too would do the same with other men.

He wasn't thrilled about that and the penny finally dropped. He also knows I would have gone through with it as well.