First post, a bit nervous so please be kind!
Backstory - DH and I married 9 years. Two DDs (6 and 8) and a DSD (14) from his previous.
We have absolutely nothing in common and we got married pretty much because I got pregnant, although we felt pretty excited about it at the time. I've always been very fond of him and he's good to us, supportive, earns a decent wage, very loyal etc. Family, friends etc. think he's great.
To his faults - he can be very lazy, rarely initiates any romance or makes any gestures. I used to do these things often but I gave up when they weren't reciprocated or really appreiated. He doesn't notice when I make an effort with my appearance, rather making judgemental comments about what I'm wearing. He has no social life and I feel guilty every time I go out without him. I've tried to involve him but he either says no or turns up and sits there looking and acting uncomfortable.
Fast forward to about a month ago when it hit me like a bolt from the blue - I desperately want to be free of this marriage. It's a friendship at it's best. We barely have sex, it has always been dull and I've tried to spice it up but he says he's too shy. He's absolutely silent during, which has always upset me as it feels so clinical and so far from passionate.
Another important fact (one of which I'm not at all proud), I cheated on him about a year ago at a party. We didn't DTD but a lot of kissing and touching. Fortunately I came to my senses and went home alone (DH was away). I was very drunk and felt completely disgusted with myself and extremely ashamed, largely because I really, really enjoyed the attention and the phsyical closeness. I haven't touched alcohol since as I know that played a huge part in what happened, and I've blocked all contact from OM (which was easy given that he's moved to America).
So there's the facts. I told DH how I was feeling a couple of weeks ago. DH wants desperatey to 'fix things' but it's been years now and he's never tried. We are going to counselling but I feel dead inside eveyr time the mention of 'working hard' and 'committing to making things better' is mentioned. I don't know if this is just me being stubborn, or if it's my gut screaming at me.
I don't want to turn my childrens' life upside down, but I'm so unhappy. I don't know if counselling will work, it feels a bit too far gone. I'm also scared that I'll cheat again. Please help me figure out what to do! Thank you xxx