My marriage, so confused. Help!

[AhNurts]

First post, a bit nervous so please be kind!

Backstory - DH and I married 9 years. Two DDs (6 and 8) and a DSD (14) from his previous.

We have absolutely nothing in common and we got married pretty much because I got pregnant, although we felt pretty excited about it at the time. I've always been very fond of him and he's good to us, supportive, earns a decent wage, very loyal etc. Family, friends etc. think he's great.

To his faults - he can be very lazy, rarely initiates any romance or makes any gestures. I used to do these things often but I gave up when they weren't reciprocated or really appreiated. He doesn't notice when I make an effort with my appearance, rather making judgemental comments about what I'm wearing. He has no social life and I feel guilty every time I go out without him. I've tried to involve him but he either says no or turns up and sits there looking and acting uncomfortable.

Fast forward to about a month ago when it hit me like a bolt from the blue - I desperately want to be free of this marriage. It's a friendship at it's best. We barely have sex, it has always been dull and I've tried to spice it up but he says he's too shy. He's absolutely silent during, which has always upset me as it feels so clinical and so far from passionate.

Another important fact (one of which I'm not at all proud), I cheated on him about a year ago at a party. We didn't DTD but a lot of kissing and touching. Fortunately I came to my senses and went home alone (DH was away). I was very drunk and felt completely disgusted with myself and extremely ashamed, largely because I really, really enjoyed the attention and the phsyical closeness. I haven't touched alcohol since as I know that played a huge part in what happened, and I've blocked all contact from OM (which was easy given that he's moved to America).

So there's the facts. I told DH how I was feeling a couple of weeks ago. DH wants desperatey to 'fix things' but it's been years now and he's never tried. We are going to counselling but I feel dead inside eveyr time the mention of 'working hard' and 'committing to making things better' is mentioned. I don't know if this is just me being stubborn, or if it's my gut screaming at me.

I don't want to turn my childrens' life upside down, but I'm so unhappy. I don't know if counselling will work, it feels a bit too far gone. I'm also scared that I'll cheat again. Please help me figure out what to do! Thank you xxx

God Cary what a shithead! Well done for being so brave and for refusing to accept that situation.

How are your kids since? How were they at the time? And do they spend much time with your ex and that OW?

I definitely think a few sessions of individual counselling would do wonders for you, without the pressure of having to 'work things out' with him there. It will give you the opportunity to explore your feelings, with no pressure.

black you're right, I'm looking into finding someone to see next week.

Kids were ok, all teens when it happened. One DD sees quite a lot of her dad and OW, other DD less so, once or twice a month. Youngest took it the hardest was 13 when we split over five years ago, and sees him very occasionally. Thing is their dad withdrew from them too in the last few years of the marriage, so he wasn't really a hands on involved dad in the latter years, although a fantastic dad when they were little. So they love him, but as adults have him totally weighed up, and expect very little from him. It's sad, but it's what it is.

That is sad but sounds like it's al on him, he should've tried harder with all the females in his home rather than concentrating on the OW.

And the million dollar q - have you managed to find someone who makes you happy? What's life like for you on the other side?

I do worry that I'll plod on for another few years then ultimately leave anyway and regret not having done it sooner. Kids still pretty young...

Life is loads better. Financially it's tight, the holidays and luxuries we had are a dim and distant memory, but I don't miss them because the freedom to do what I want, just be me is priceless. I really didn't know how bad it was until I got out and reflected. When ex used to come home the atmosphere was oppressive, he was like a huge black cloud hanging over us. We only felt relaxed when he wasn't here, because his coldness and criticism made us all uptight and nervous. It's no way to live. After he left friends and family said the atmosphere in the house lifted, and it really did.

I go out a lot, got promoted at work (I wouldn't have had the confidence before to even consider the promotion) and have widened my social circle. There is no special man, but that doesn't bother me, after years in an unhappy marriage, I genuinely enjoy being single.

The idea of being single appeals to me so much! The idea of dating does not, at all. I think I would need to date myself for a long time to start to feel like me again.

I'm so pleased to hear your life is better. Better than better, what an inspiration.

I fear I am the black cloud in our house. But then he does very little to try to bring out the sun!

Been a single parent for 6 years, honestly it rocks (hard at times) you can just be yourself. Xxx

Goodness the idea of just being myself without having to pretend... have my own space that I can be silly in with my girls. They probably have no idea who I am, they haven't met the real me yet which is just such an odd thought.

So to clear it up in my mind, it's perfectly okay to end a marriage with a decent guy if my needs aren't being met? Even though we have young daughters and he's a great dad?

It's over OP. Get Christmas out of the way and make it a good one but January it's solicitor (or as a PP said, before to get knowledge) split amicably even if he tries to make it not, smile and nod and stay amicable. Get free. You are so worn down by this situation. You will wake up to your freedom one day and it will feel like the end of a prison sentence. Don't delay that moment more than you have to. Life is short.

pirate thank you. All of you really. I've spent so long feeling like I'm being selfish and that I should suck it up to give my kids a 'stable' home. But I'm not giving them that, I'm feeding them a dangerous lie.

I always thought before that I could just leave when they've left home but I can't wait. And I don't want them thinking their childhood was a lie. This is so scary.

It is a difficult one. We all know that relationships change over time and that we cannot expect the first flush of excitement to last. Most couples shake down to some sort of reasonable relationship with give and take on either side.

I think you do need to go to counselling to help you think through what the bottom line is for you - what kind of compromise is as low as you can go, so to speak. Do beware throwing the baby out with the bathwater though - as well as examining what is wrong for you in the relationship, you also need to list what is right. And please do not underestimate what a split will do to your children. This is not an invitation for you to feel guilty, but encouragement to make this one of your priorities, as I am sure you will.

There is no easy answer, but please take the opportunity for some counselling for yourself to help you think all this through, so that, whatever you decide, you know that you have had a long hard look at all the options and weighed them up.

He'll still be the kids dad. He'll still be there for them. If you stay and things don't improve your girls will realise that their home isn't a happy one, they'll compare it to friends houses, where mum and dad are happy and the difference with their home will affect them. That's what happened with my kids.

I always have, and always will say that kids come first. But both parents have to want to stay together. If you don't then you have to accept this, treat your husband with respect and compassion, and make your plans clear to him, so you can both adjust and do your best to provide two happy homes for your kids, rather than one increasingly unhappy one.

blossom thank you. I have wrestled and wrestled with this but the problem is that there was never any real first flush. We got a bit carried away with the wedding and babies, but there has never ever been any emotional, physical, spiritual or intellectual connection there. I think if it had been there to start with, I'd feel much more positive and keen to recapture it.

But how can you recapture something that was never there? And how can you fabricate the kind of passion and intimacy that I fear I can't live without for the rest of my life?

I'm terrified for the children. But this is something I can explore in the safety of counselling, as you say.

It does feel increasingly unhappy at home, especially in the last few weeks. I feel like I'm waking up after a very long sleep!

Hi OP hope you don't mind me posting here. I'm in a similar situation, very unhappy in my relationship. Separating looking very likely.

Just wanted to post here to offer it's a crap situation to be in. Dp and I had a day off work yesterday together and it was not nice (just thinking of you and your pending 'date night').

fuckinghellz great handle sorry to hear you're going through this too. Do you have children?

You know what strikes me hard? You mentioning you can't just be silly with your girls, that they haven't met the real you. That's sad. They deserve the real you! Being a single parent with my girl is great, I get to set the (hopefully) right example. Yep, get through Christmas then get thee to the solicitors xxx

Thanks jeaux, you are a very good advert for a positive single parent life!

Did you mention upthread that he's really started trying though? I understand that you want to get xmas out of the way but 6 weeks is a long time and in that time the waters could become very muddy.....

The occasion of xmas, family spirit etc might make you think that you should stick with him. Which is obviously fine if you really want to, but I think he's got a sufficient amount of time to start reeling you back in. Just take care of yourself over the next month, don't lose sight of what you want. It's a particularly crap time of year for this kind of thing

AhNurts yes we've got dd who's 3.

I completely understand when you say you can't be silly with your girls as well. Bloody shite isn't it. I hope you're ok. Do you think you might see about counselling, just for you?

Yeah he's definitely trying but I feel pretty numb to it tbh, it's not changing how I feel.

Got a solo counselling session with the marriage counsellor and I've also booked in with another. Lots of talking this week!

FH are you seeing a counsellor?

The mistake you made was not last year but many years ago when you got pregnant and got married.

It's clear from your first post that this was just never going to work.

"We have nothing in common"

I wouldn't waste time and money on counselling. your marriage is over as a romantic coupling because it was never that in the first place. You don't need a counsellor to tell you that.

Don't beat yourself up about last year and if you want a drink, have one.

You need to leave.

He is a good man and father so will still be this when you split.