Ex moving away from DC, Aibu?

[AppleJacker]

Ex h and I have 3 young DC.

We separated a few years ago (I left him). I'm in a relationship and have a new baby.

Ex and I don't get on.

He has DC 3 days a week, I have them 4. He's a great dad and kids adore him, he's always been very hands on and a big part of their lives.

He has a gf who lives up north. He drives 6 hours to see her every other weekend.

She's just announced she's pregnant.... He's decided to move up there and see them at weekends... Kids are devastated.

How do I handle this? Aibu to be pissed off and worried?

Who suggested he stay at your mums every weekend?

If you mum did I think that is very generous of her however long term what effect is this going to have?

Will it be just him? Him and DC? Him, DC, new baby and maybe GF sometimes?

Is you mum going to wait in every Friday evening for him to arrive after work. Is she going to cook and feed him. Will he contribute to all this? Make the bed? Wash the bedding? Or will he be on her sofa every weekend?

I think other arrangements should be made.

You can hardly make a face about the GF being pregnant when you already have a baby by a new partner. Why so judgemental? You've moved on, why can't your ex?

As for the distances, it's sad for the kids but he's trying to do the right thing by them and the new baby. Many other children only see a parent at a weekend or even less. You'll all be fine and it will become normal. You don't get to dictate where the GF lived to suit you.

It's not to suit her! It's to suit the children!

The OP has not opted out of shared parenting of her current children by meeting a new partner. The ex is doing so.

Many of these,replies go to show that no matter what the current arrangements, people still see parenting as primarily the mother's responsibility.

He has two families to think about, so he's damned whatever he does. Imagine an OP, 'I'm pregnant with DC1 with BF. He has 3 DC by previously marriage and is refusing to move in with me because he wants to stay closer to ex-W and kids. It's 6hrs drive away. WWYD?'.

Children are resilient. They will get used to this situation. Why should this GF move her life when pregnant? Who knows what her personal or financial situation is? Maybe she left the area the OP is in because of abuse or any other of a million reasons and doesn't want to return?

OP needs to adjust to this brave new world like everyone else.

Imagine an OP, 'I'm pregnant with DC1 with BF. He has 3 DC by previously marriage and is refusing to move in with me because he wants to stay closer to ex-W and kids. It's 6hrs drive away. WWYD?'.

I strongly suspect that most people would be asking that OP if she could move and that she knew her BF had 3 children near his home 6 hours away and asking her whether she really thinks he should ditch them in favour of her.

Real life experience:

My XH moved over 400 miles away for a career move. His then wife remained local. He had EOW (Sat-Sun lunchtime) up until then, and sometimes would take the DCs for tea during the week. They were quite young - 8 & 6 when he moved.

He travelled up once a month and took the DCs for the whole weekend (Fri- Sun) and also started taking them on holiday which he hadn't done before. When they got older, he paid for them to fly as unaccompanied minors (or with their SM) to visit him once a month, and he still came here monthly.

It all worked really well until they got to teenage years, and just didn't want to spend a whole weekend away from their friends. But they maintained a good relationship with their DF. It worked.

(I didn't get involved in logistics unless one/both needed a lift to the airport. He moved - he had to factor the cost of keeping access going into his budget.)

If Ex's job is utterly flexible (as it sounds like it might be), could he do one week near you, one week with new partner.

And yes, I agree with soup that posters would suggest the pregnant woman looked into a move, at least to somewhere a lot closer if not to the same town.

Contact every weekend won't happen, whatever he says, so the main thing you can do I think is not make any promises to the children that he won't keep.

The ex has made this huge change to the circumstances so it is he who needs to accommodate it. No way should the OP even consider moving to the new area?!

My ex moved 200 miles away. We tried every other weekend meeting in the middle but the kids hated it and in the end I put my foot down and said he will have to come here to collect them and it can only be for long weekends or a week in school holidays, OR he makes arrangements to stay near me and see them without them having to travel. Of course, it has now dropped from EOW to every 6 weeks or so, but the kids kind of chose that in saying they didn't want to keep doing the journey, so they have accepted it.

But their general opinion is that it's their DF's fault for choosing to be so far away from them.

OP your ex did some very bad planning there. It's up to him to make it work, not you

Thanks for all your replies.

He would be leaving his job and finding another there... He would also sell his house and lose the foothold on the propert ladder he has here. The market is a lot less buoyant where he plans to go.

My mother has said he's put her in a very difficult situation and he hasn't even told her of his plans yet!!!

She doesn't think he should go and therefore may say he cannot stay with her.

I left him for a fair few reasons, the only selfish one of those being that I was unhappy.

*he hasn't told my mother he's planning to move or asked if he can stay with her.

I agree that it's up to them to make this work for everyone, but the kids need to be the priority.

The only person who will benefit by him moving there is his new GF. I feel it's up to both of them to fit in with the existing situation. Whether that's her moving here or whatever.

OllyBJolly, did you have a 50/50 parenting arrangement before you XH moved away?

Exactly Yonic. And Vivienne's post is a massive example of that.

Vivienne, just because others do it, in circumstances that are all wildly different, doesn't mean OP or her children need to get used to it And yes he has two families to think about, but what he is suggesting is putting one family before the other, he is not doing right by everyone at all. Your post is massively dismissive. Maybe the gf did once live in the area and then left however there has to be a compromise between living in the area and living 6 hours away. And again, moving on is one thing, and I agree the face isn't great from the OP, but she has moved on in a way that doesn't effect 50/50 parenting, whereas the father is now washing his hands of his responsibility to parent equally his children.

And I agree with Soup that people would suggest she move if a situation similar to gf's was posted here.

OP, is your ex dead set on this idea? How long until the baby is due? Is he sad about not seeing his children?

He's planning on staying with your mother, not his?

Wow!

OllyBJolly, did you have a 50/50 parenting arrangement before you XH moved away?

Not even nearly. He did see them at least once a week. (He moved 30 miles away - not far in distance but other side of major city so journey time of 1 hour plus).

I just wanted to make the point that it can work. And in our case it was entirely work related and indeed, his second marriage broke up and his relocation was probably a contributing factor.

Did I approve of him relocating himself 400 miles from his kids? No, but not a decision I could influence.