Ex moving away from DC, Aibu?

[AppleJacker]

Ex h and I have 3 young DC.

We separated a few years ago (I left him). I'm in a relationship and have a new baby.

Ex and I don't get on.

He has DC 3 days a week, I have them 4. He's a great dad and kids adore him, he's always been very hands on and a big part of their lives.

He has a gf who lives up north. He drives 6 hours to see her every other weekend.

She's just announced she's pregnant.... He's decided to move up there and see them at weekends... Kids are devastated.

How do I handle this? Aibu to be pissed off and worried?

Cannot believe two posters have critised op.

Fucks sake.

The point isn't he is moving on having a new baby.
It him moving six fucking hours away.

I'm so glad that there are more people joining the thread supporting OP, I was honestly starting to worry for my sanity here. Terrified put it really well.

Sheldon, your response is exactly the kind of sexist double standards that I am talking about. Because a mother is splitting parenting equally with an ex, she isn't 'actually parenting', whereas the father can choose to throw away his children anytime he wants? And OP, as a mother, just needs to bite it.

Him moving is not great but you leaving him and going onto have a new man and child in their daily lives isn't great either.

Why not? Blended families happen all of the time, she has kept to her original parenting arrangement, and having more adults in their lives that can love and support the children sounds good. Nothing wrong there. He is also free to have a new baby and partner, just not a 12 hour round trip away from the children he is currently parenting 50/50! It's not about choosing a new partner it's about the parenting arrangement, that is obvious, why are you making the issue about something it isn't?

Lello - the OP is worried about her ex's choices will effect her children, not sure how that isn't putting the children first and can't see how your post is helpful at all.

WannaBe: I will agree that it is out of order for OP to suggest anything about how the pregnancy come about but actually I think lots of people, including me, and probably many people on this same thread who are sticking up for the ex, would criticise a woman for moving and taking the children away from their father in the same circumstances that the OP is describing above. In fact I think in the same circumstances and especially if the shoe was on the other foot and OP had decided to only see her children on the weekend, which is actually a much fairer comparison, a woman would be, as I said before, vilified to an extent that is not happening here with the ex.

He is being called selfish because, as you rightly said, he is selfish, as is any parent who decides to do what he is doing. A woman should also be called selfish if she did similar, we shouldn't not call a man selfish because women don't get called it IYSWIM.

Most of the threads on this sub are of women sacrificing so much, including their self esteem, in order to facilitate contact between children and their fathers. And again, there is a big difference between the OP's situation and her ex's. You say 'it stands to reason that the father should want to live with his new partner and baby as the OP does'. But when OP had a baby with her new partner, did she say to her ex 'you have the children now and I'll see them each weekend of EOW'. Do you really think she would get encouragement on this sub for that? No way.

You've illustrated in your own post an example of two parents who have put their children first, so of course there is a right answer here as you have done it yourself. Also, your situation now, being ill, having a 14 year old and contemplating moving 2.5 hours away, is a little bit different to OPs, and depending on your circumstances and how you involved your son and his father, yes, your advice might be different to OPs, but do you really think that is down to you being a woman or to circumstance? I think it is unfair to use the fact that you are thinking of moving away as a basis for forming a judgement here as there is too much of a difference between your and OP's circumstances.

Shitey comments from the usual suspects I see

For those who think ex is completely unreasonable what is the solution for the dad here...He has a girlfriend who is having his baby ..whether planned or not...
3 children

For whatever reason girlfriend lives 6 hours away from other children and neither want to move ( I completely don't blame OP by the way for not wanting up uproot to follow ex 6 hours away from everything she and her children know)

but what is the dads solution here????

Crazee did you mean to sound quite so patronising?

Yes blended families happen all the time. But that's not always a good thing. And the children involved have no choice in the timescale or people involved.
Relationships end. Marriages break up. Inevitably the children involved are affected. And generally not always in a positive way for the children.
Throw new partners, new siblings, new step parents and house moves into the mix within short time scales and you risk causing your children emotional and psychological trauma.

But hey. As long as the grown ups are happy eh?

Yes the OPs Ex is an absolute arse for moving away from his children. But the OP can't expect to dictate how he lives his life when she's moved on so swiftly with her own.

For those who think ex is completely unreasonable what is the solution for the dad

Well, first of all it would be to not get someone pregnant whom he was not living with and was not able to live with.

But in your scenario, I'd say the best outcome would be to tell girlfriend that he has responsibility for 3 children, 3 nights a week, and he needs to continue to be here for them and fulfil his prior commitment to them for those 3 nights per week.

He could cut his hours to part time, or get a WFH arrangement with his employer, and spend 3 days with his first 3 children so as not to disrupt their routine and then travel to the girlfriend and baby for the other 3 or 4 days.

Lelloteddy, what a horrible post designed to make separated parents feel guilty. I hardly think people choose this as an ideal scenario but .. Are you saying people should stay in bad relationships for the children?? As that can be more damaging.

What a strange thread, did no one read that op left him? Why should he not move forward with his life? He says he will see his dc every weekend, where anywhere is it written than he won't?

You can't really have expected the situation to stay the same forever? You have a new partner and a baby, why shouldn't your ex move on too?
Of course your DC will see less of their father but they have a loving mother and her partner and they'll get used to whatever happens regarding contact with their father.
You will get used to having all your children most weekends and you might find you actually enjoy your family. You're not the first person to be in this situation.
Try not to be so bitter about his new partner and their baby.

Tups and lang are you for real.
So what if she left.
It doesn't fuckinh matter.

What matters is fucking off 6 hours away.

Tups of course he won't see them every weekend.
He is gonna work all week then go away every weekend.

Of course his girlfriend is gonna pit up with never seeing him. Jeez.

Llang why should they get used to whatever contact.
The dad had them 50 percent.

Now he's fuckin off and we all know he ent gonna see them every weekend.

Come on of this was woman moving six hours for from her kids she would be torn apart.

I will repeat its not about not wanting him to move on.

Its expecting a parent to not be such a selfish dickhead and get a woman pregnant who lives six hours away.

The move is a distance and unfair on the children regardless of gender but likewise the OP left him taking his children away from him a few years ago and has already had a new partner for two years and included a new child in that time. Hardly the actions of a angelic parent either.

Both have failed to put the children first. Not just him.

I am for real and stand by what I said.

Lelloteddy

sigh

Your and Sheldon’s judgmental attitudes on blended families is outdated and damaging, however I honestly think you and other people on this thread are deliberately missing the point and punishing OP for daring to leave her ex / for having a new partner and baby. You say that ex is an arse for moving away from his children (I agree), but then say that because OP has another partner and a baby, she isn’t allowed to criticise this? How bizarre! OP has moved on with her life but has done so in a way that hasn’t affected the time that either she or her ex spends having custody of their children. Their actions are totally different. She has a duty as a mother to stand up for her children and in fact, it is actions like the ex’s that create the damaging blended families that you talk about.

llang, TupsNsups and Sheldon.
Why is it OK for the dad to go from 50/50 to every other weekend? Would you say the same if OP wanted to do that when she had another baby? Why should OP get used to it, more importantly why should her children get used to it? They may get used to it, but will they be happy about it? OP doesn’t sound bitter about the new situation at all, she sounds concerned for her children and for her own arrangements, and rightly so. God forbid a woman criticises a man for deciding to opt out of being an equal parent, she is then ‘bitter’ and jealous. Disgusting. And just because a relationship breaks down, no matter who leaves and for what reason (and it really makes me sick that people are judging the OP on this at all, especially without knowing the details of why she left) it doesn’t give one party the excuse to opt out of a an equal parenting relationship with their children!

The move is a distance and unfair on the children regardless of gender but likewise the OP left him taking his children away from him

Eh, what thread are you reading? OP didn't move away. They obviously both live pretty close if they are 50/50 compared ting.

Co-parenting, I mean.

Oh sheldon you have no idea what went on in this relationship.
Also its fuck all to do with the thread.

You have got real issues with women Sheldon, you are very unpleasant.

Thing is, arguing the rights and wrongs of his new GF getting pregnant, her not moving or him moving is hardly going to help. It's his decision and hers.

Accordingly he can drive to see the kids at weekends. Suggesting OP drives them half way or even moves nearer is just crazy. I would say the quicker you formalise arrangements the better. Before he moves preferably.

OP he's likely to see the kids less. If he does or when he does, you will need to support the children and yes, you're likely to have them 24/7 so you will need to adapt to that. And you'll need more support. Is your new partner ok with it?

Presumably dad saw his children every day until the OP left him. She took the children and didn't leave them with him but he's the only one being called selfish. Both as bad as each other.

I disagree re blended families, I don't know of any that work very well. A step parent can never love a stepchild the way they love their own or treat them exactly the same, it's human nature. Most blended families have issues, not just with treatment but spending, time alone with parent etc. Most are about the parents wants not the existing children.

Cat2014. At no point have I said that people should stay in bad relationships

And as a divorced parent in a new relationship with another divorced parent, with an Ex who has moved hundreds of miles away with his second family, from my children I am probably better qualified than a number of people on this thread to understand the significant trauma that is caused to children when either parent prioritises their own new relationship over those children.

The Ex is this scenario IS an arse. That doesn't negate the OP of any responsibility for any emotional issues that her children may have due to the incredible amount of upheaval that their family life has gone through in a very short space of time.

But once again, as long as the parent is happy, the kids just have to put up with it.

Sheldon, let's pretend for a minute that I agree (I absolutely do not btw) that she was being selfish when she left her ex and that resulted in him seeing the children less (so does she, and they are still parenting equally, she didn't take them, and not leaving them with him doesn't make her selfish, but let's forget that for a second)

Why does that then make it OK for him to now hardly see the children at all and to do less than 50% of the parenting?

On blended families, I think it is massive over-generalisation to say that a step parent can never love a stepchild the way they love their own and to make a sweeping comment about human nature is a bit grand IMHO. Essentially step parents are adopting a child and if people can love adopted children like their biological children then step parents can love these childen like their own. However, that aside, I think it is really incoherent for you to criticise blended families on the grounds of unfair treatment, and time spent with parents, but then to not criticise ex for choosing to treat his children unfairly and spend less time with them!

I won't disagree that parents' needs factor into blended families, but children's needs should also. Again, OP has an arrangement where her 2 older children have a good relationship with her youngest, and see her as well as their dad, equally. So while you might that that the ideal situation would be for OP to have stayed with ex, ere is some compromise between her needs and her children's needs and her exe's needs; she is sharing custody (not refusing it or not seeing her children at all). Ex is choosing to completely upend this arrangement and his relationship with is children, so that it is all about his needs and hardly any consideration for his children's at all. The unbalance between the two approaches is quite shocking. How is that right?

Sorry if the beginning of that previous posts sounds a bit , I'm just trying to follow your logic.

I'm confused, did OP say the dad would be staying at her mums when visiting the kids? Would this solve the travel problem?

Where does this guy work? Surely he needs to live near his employer? He is surely not going to quit his job when there are 4 mouths to feed?

DSS mum moved when she re-married. The EOW travel was awful for everyone including DSS. So we bit the bullet and moved closer to him. Honestly once DSS could see his dad and I were prepared to relocate for him he became a happier child. Do I think the ex was selfish on moving to live with her DH, yes. I will never warm to the woman, she has caused so much upset, and still does, but sometimes you have to think of your kids when dealing with a selfish ex.