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Relationships

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Original poster

Ex moving away from DC, Aibu?

115 replies

AppleJacker · 09/11/2016 22:28

Ex h and I have 3 young DC.

We separated a few years ago (I left him). I'm in a relationship and have a new baby.

Ex and I don't get on.

He has DC 3 days a week, I have them 4. He's a great dad and kids adore him, he's always been very hands on and a big part of their lives.

He has a gf who lives up north. He drives 6 hours to see her every other weekend.

She's just announced she's pregnant.... He's decided to move up there and see them at weekends... Kids are devastated.

How do I handle this? Aibu to be pissed off and worried?

OP posts:

Oswin · 09/11/2016 23:05

Well because these two donkeys are having a baby which means he is now choosing to move six hours away from his children.
It will end up probably once a month contact once his gf realises that her fella will be spending every weekend driving.

How will that even bloody work?
So Friday does he work? If he does then he will leave Saturday morning.
Won't reach home with the kids till evening then do it all again next day to take them home.

Unless he is planning on staying locally every weekend? If he is that probably won't even last this pregnancy.

Selfish idiot.

Notagain16 · 09/11/2016 23:06

Maybe they both tried to have a baby 'on purpose.' He is obviously happy about it if he is prepared to move six hours away.

I think you're right to worry about contact. Your dc are very young to have to travel even half that way every other weekend. Maybe you can sort something in the holidays.

Original poster

AppleJacker · 09/11/2016 23:10

I know, it's insane. They will have sinking they barely see and will feel their father has chosen him/her over them.

He told them he lived with them and brought them up when they were babies so it's only fair he does with this child.

I really don't think he would have planned this at all, he's pretty sensible, generally.....

OP posts:

Original poster

AppleJacker · 09/11/2016 23:10

*a sibling, not sinking

OP posts:

Original poster

AppleJacker · 09/11/2016 23:12

He's planning to stay with my mother at weekends. His gf will certainly not be happy about this.

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 09/11/2016 23:13

Why the he'll would the op have anything to do with the traveling? Is he going to stay near you for contact? That would be a lot of travel for your children.

Lunar1 · 09/11/2016 23:14

Sorry, I keep crossing with you posts!

magoria · 09/11/2016 23:20

I think it is unfair that you get to do all week, school, school uniforms, homework etc then he gets every weekend for fun.

Where is your fun time with them?

Also is he really considering driving 6 hours whilst working and they have a new born? That is an accident waiting to happen.

If he is at work all day working and then seeing your DC every weekend when is he going to spend time with the baby.

If they do 6 hours there then they are going to be knackered and it won't be fun for anyone, especially on a Sunday night when they are upset and have school the next day.

I agree with some of the others that it will not be every weekend and will get less not sure what the answer is for your DC though. All you can do is remind them that you and their dad love them.

Original poster

AppleJacker · 09/11/2016 23:23

I know, we share weekends because of this, so as we both get quality time. I don't want to give this up.

It's a fucking ridiculous situation, I cannot believe he could be so utterly stupid.

OP posts:

Oswin · 09/11/2016 23:28

That will stop.

I'm angry for your children! What an idiot.

Bloody selfish.

MycatsaPirate · 09/11/2016 23:42

I can't see every weekend lasting at all.

Firstly he will have to increase maintenance payments and secondly he will be paying out a fortune on petrol plus having care of the kids for two days. I presume your mum won't be subsidising him feeding the dc?

There's no way his gf will tolerate this for any length of time. She will barely see him and will resent half of his wages going on petrol costs and maintenance.

This is down to him to fix. Not you. I don't understand why people are suggesting you move nearer to his gf! Batshit!

I don't know what the solution is but it's very unfair on the dc and this could likely destroy their relationship with their father.

I suspect the gf doesn't want to move to him as she would then have your dc at their house 3 days a week. Clearly she would prefer to have him there on his own with her and the baby.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 09/11/2016 23:45

Op shouldn't be responsible for travelling, she's not moving

MatildaTheCat · 09/11/2016 23:49

Sounds unworkable. If he's a good dad, and it sounds as if he has been, he will hopefully realise quite soon that living so far apart is useless. There is no need to be obstructive but I certainly wouldn't be offering to drive halfway to meet him.

Let it ride and fingers crossed he will miss them enough to insist that his new gf considers moving nearer you. It doesn't have to be on the doorstep.

Never let him be in a position to say that mummy has made it too hard for him to see him. He has to work it out.

Yourarejokingme · 10/11/2016 01:09

I'm wondering here how can he work if 6 hours away. Wouldn't it be more feasible for GF to move to his abode. More so if she already has another child whose father stays in the area.

lalalalyra · 10/11/2016 01:12

There's no way I'd agree to every weekend.

People will say the children should see their father, and they absolutely should, but it's absolutely not in their best interests that you get no downtime with them and you get the school/homework role while he gets fun weekends.

How does the gf work access for her child's father who lives near you?

Is he going to be working M-F? Even in a 9-5 job then he's going to be hitting your mother's house at midnightish on a Friday (will she be happy with that? Later if traffic). Then he's going to have to leave at some point on Sunday to get home and organised for work the next day. That's no going to be sustainable for long. He'll be shattered and will his gf be happy to solo parent from when he leaves for work Friday until, effectively, he gets home from work Monday? That's not going to last.

lalalalyra · 10/11/2016 01:14

Expect him to start talking about the kids being sensible enough to get the train pretty soon (bitter experience on that one).

swimmerforlife · 10/11/2016 06:17

I know it's difficult OP and it's not fair on anyone. But if he stayed in the town where you live, it wouldn't be fair on his new child to only see him every weekend or his girlfriend being stuck with a newborn all week etc. Tbh no one wins in this situation, I do agree that he has been a bit selfish.

However I do think you are being U assuming that his girlfriend got pregnant on purpose to trap him.

My dad lived 3 hours away from me growing up, it was ok, I saw him most weekends. I would have liked to see more of him as he was absolutely lovely. Sadly he died when I was 13 so I can't comment any further...

user1478772204 · 10/11/2016 10:21

This is about the kids seeing their Dad right? so why don't you both drive 3 hours so that this can happen??

I am shocked by some of the responses on here... you are both entitled to move on with your life and unfortunately that means a little more compromise... you say he is a good father so you should make the effort to make sure he does spend time with the kids..

I think you sound pretty selfish tbh.... you are worried about how you are going to cope with having the kids more.... you are implying the gf got pregnant on purpose.... you don't know that for sure.... you are listening to other folks version of events....

ChemistryGeek · 10/11/2016 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbsismyhero · 10/11/2016 11:00

I don't see why you should have to give up every weekend and do half the travel they can get a place closer its not your childrens fault he moved on with someone far away you facilitate contact after you left him he should do the same

BoboBunnyH0p · 10/11/2016 12:00

Every weekend isn't going to work, I see every other weekend been a struggle. I can only suggest 1 weekend a month and divide the holidays not ideal but nor is all the travelling.

Crazeecurlee · 10/11/2016 12:37

I too can see the ExH POV - he is selfish fuckbag. Cannot believe the amount of woman who are so accepting of this - no wonder some men behave so badly if this is what women are prepared to find acceptable.

And calling the OP unreasonable! The difference between OP and her ExH is that, when she had a new baby, she didn't decide to kick her kids to the curb in favour of her new child.

YANBU OP, disgusting on his part. Yes he has a new baby but these are his children too and he had a prior responsibility to them before getting this woman pregnant. I cannot believe people think it is acceptable for a man to decide because he isn't with his children's mother that he can swan off and reduce his responsibilities. Totally selfish. He is entitled to move on with his life and have a new relationship and more children but he should have arranged or be arranging things so that he could still fulfill his responsibilities to his current existing children. If you had written OP that on having your new baby you decided to move away and leave your kids with your ExH you would have been vilified. Also, in response to user, anyone who is used to a certain arrangement would be worried about having the children more, and expecting OP to hugely change her circumstances to make arrangements for her ExH without any prior consideration is hugely disrespectful. It doesn't make OP unreasonable at all IMHO.

Do not agree to every weekend OP, you will end up doing all the grunt work and never get fun time with your kids, whereas he will get to do all fun things with them. Logistics will also be a problem. You would be unreasonable to try to stop him moving, not because you would be unfair on HIM but because trying to force him to see your kids when he clearly is no longer that interested would be detrimental for the children.

Also, very unfair on you to now have to consider moving - you're all grownups, if they had decided to have a child and she lives so far, you could have been involved in the discussion about locations. If you have a nice home and the kids are settled where they are I wouldn't move at all as would it really be in the best interests of the children? And if your exH was actually that bothered, why isn't he putting aside your differences and having this conversation with you? To see if you were willing to move? Instead he is happy to effectively tell his kids to do one.

I feel so sorry for you and especially your kids. I hope it manages to work itself out.

Crazeecurlee · 10/11/2016 12:40

And yes, seeing them every weekend is not right when the children are used to seeing him 50% of the time.

magoria · 10/11/2016 12:58

Are people really suggesting OP moves herself and her family?

Having to change the DC's schools, take them away from other family, their friends, their home etc to make life easier for a man who is not putting them first?

Or that she shoves the kids in the car to swop them over and have them drive for hours at weekends to put them out?

Why do women and children have to make the sacrifices because of a decision a man has taken.

Why is she then the selfish one for being upset at the ramifications and upset for her DC!

fi775 · 10/11/2016 13:01

This sounds very much like the situation with my ex although it's 2 hours away. He moved when we split. This was over 2 years ago, my kids adapted to this really well thought they were much younger.

If he says he's coming every weekend then go on that, he should stick to his word.

However prepare yourself for the bad weather, traffic, road closures etc which will most likely mean that he won't be coming every weekend, not with a 6 hour drive. This does happen to us quite often. Ex seems to be quite happy when the weather is bad or something happens which means it's harder for him to get here. There's a section of the motorway that's constantly being closed recently and ex will always use that as an excuse not to come. I'm not saying your ex is the same as this by the way. He also now stays at my mums which isn't ideal but what can you do? He can't stay at mine and I won't have my kids travelling every weekend, especially in winter.

I do feel for you, even though you have split up and both have new partners, it can make you feel quite alone having dcs dad so far away but you will get used to it.

As for your dcs, it is really up to their dad to maintain the relationship with them. He is the one choosing to move and disrupt their lives, he is the one that needs to do everything he can to make this as easy as possible for them.

It just takes time for new routines to come in, it won't be easy on anyone but just be there for your kids as much as you can. That's all you can do x

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