Ex moving away from DC, Aibu?

[AppleJacker]

Ex h and I have 3 young DC.

We separated a few years ago (I left him). I'm in a relationship and have a new baby.

Ex and I don't get on.

He has DC 3 days a week, I have them 4. He's a great dad and kids adore him, he's always been very hands on and a big part of their lives.

He has a gf who lives up north. He drives 6 hours to see her every other weekend.

She's just announced she's pregnant.... He's decided to move up there and see them at weekends... Kids are devastated.

How do I handle this? Aibu to be pissed off and worried?

And anyone saying she should meet half way that is absolutely ridiculous. For the children to spend 12 hours travelling every weekend???? They would be shattered, there is no way you can put children through that. I won't let my kids do it and that's only 2 hours away.

DH's ex did this a few years ago. Moved 300 miles away to accommodate new husband's job, but she took DSS with her. We were devastated. Realistically, it meant we couldn't afford to see him more than once a month and that entailed us having to do half the travelling.

I'm not really sure what you can do other than make sure he agrees to increased child maintenance and any travel costs for the children. Of course it is unreasonable to suggest you move! I can't believe anyone would suggest it!

DH's ex did this a few years ago. Moved 300 miles away to accommodate new husband's job, but she took DSS with her. We were devastated. Realistically, it meant we couldn't afford to see him more than once a month and that entailed us having to do half the travelling.

I'm not really sure what you can do other than make sure he agrees to increased child maintenance and any travel costs for the children. Of course it is unreasonable to suggest you move! I can't believe anyone would suggest it!

I think I would be saying to him "No, that's not going to work, it's not in the children's best interest, you are going to have consider a different arrangement". He has to consider all his children.

I can not even believe that people are saying you should move. That is crazy.

I am fuming on your behalf OP, how dare he treat his kids like this!

You both sounds unreasonable..

Your concerns seems to be about how you will cope with the children most of the time..Many many people do it..Married couples who partners work away all week, many LP.. You do have a current partner with the new baby.

You sound like you really don't want him to move on..Yet you have so can he..

I also would only be offering EOW .. you are entitled to some quality time with your children.

You have no idea why she doesn't want to move near you. It may be for family support. She may of moved away to get away from EX..She may simply of hated where you live????

You are unable to make them live anywhere all you can do is support your children through this process.

Starlight, just because many people do it, it doesn't mean that OP should not be unconcerned. It sounds like up until now they equal parented, being concerned about that changing isn't unreasonable. Additionally, yes OP has moved on, but she didn't pass her kids onto her Ex and only agree to weekend contact for her kids when she moved on. Why is it for men moving on means it is OK to reduce the responsibility for your children?

Crazeecurlee totally - I went from having my kids dad there for when they were sick, appointments and just generally being there as a dad. Now he's moved away he's not involved in anything to do with my kids. Nothing, ds has special needs too. Before he left, he knew the kids teachers names, who their best friends were, favourite cereal, tv programmes etc. He knew his kids. Now he's 120 miles away he has no idea. I don't really mention it anymore but when i did, he would say 'well now I live ages away, how am I meant to know this stuff?' Soon as he moved away he gave up that part of being our children's father. He decided to move and should realise he needs to still stay actively involved in his kids lives. Now he will ring ever couple of days and asks how the kids are. I say 'yes they are fine' and he's like 'right that's all I needed to know'. No I treat in what they've been doing etc. I hope this won't be the case for OP x

I think it's a tad unfair implying she got pregnant on purpose like that.

This is one of those situations, that you're going to have to run up the flagpole & see who salutes.

Can see both sides here

Very inconsiderate and poor planning on his part. He shouldn't have had a child with her if it meant having to abandon the 3 (very young) DC he already has.

Every weekend will not happen. It's not in any way practicable with a 6hour each way journey.

Would he be receptive to a sit down chat to talk through the practicalities?

*should be unconcerned, sorry. Magoria and Blue, totally agree. Felicia, I was so sorry to read your post too, that is totally unacceptable. Fi, so sorry to hear that, how horrible for you and for your children. I don't understand how some men can walk away from such a close relationship with their children, totally shocking and the fact so many people here are OK with it smacks of double standards. Anytime a woman posts on this sub that her XH has main custody of the children there are always people questioning her mothering skills. I wonder what the reaction would be if OP decided to say to ex, well actually, you take the kids and I'll see them every other weekend instead (now or when she had her new baby)? Would the same people who are saying they understand the man's POV be saying the same thing about OP? I highly doubt it.

I don't think he is being inconsiderate at all AyeAmarok....

are folk on here saying that single parents should only date people who live local to them???? how ridiculous does that even sound!!!

It's not only men who get to move on... plenty of women move on too and that includes moving home and location.... Of course children should be considered but ultimately its the parents who should come to a compromise.. he has said he'll make the effort every weekend and if the OP is unhappy with that then she should agree to every second weekend so that they both get quality time with the kids and he'll have to deal with it... but he is not inconsiderate for wanting to get on with his life.... it's normal!!

And if the mother decided to "get on with her life" and move 6 hours away from her DC as well, that would be OK? Who would look after the DC during the week then?

One of the things you can't do when you're a parent is unilaterally decide to fuck off to the other side of the country.

Well, you can if you're a selfish inconsiderate arse who expects everyone else to bend over backwards to accommodate your desire to have a new life.

All well and good saying he's said he'll come every weekend, but the OP will now need to rearrange her life, and childcare arrangements, and the cost of this. She now can't spend weekends with her children. All their routines will have to change.

AND, he can't spend weekends with his baby and GF, he'll need to set off from work on a Friday evening, and not be home until Sunday night. Every weekend. Leaving his GF and newborn alone.

Or, his DC will need to spend 12 hours every weekend travelling to him. Which is horrendous for them.

are folk on here saying that single parents should only date people who live local to them???? how ridiculous does that even sound!!!

Er, if you have children who you co-parent and whose lives are local, then yes! Nothing ridiculous about it, that's why a lot of OLD have a search radius. And if you do decide to date cross country, then when it gets serious enough to think about children, you come to an arrangement that doesn't negatively effect your existing children. And if the pregnancy is accidental, then all the adults get together and think of a way that is best for all the children involved. Those commenting saying OP doesn't know the reason Ex's new partner doesn't want to move - you're right, she doesn't! However, she really should, so why doesn't shy? Why aren't this woman and the Ex getting together with OP to discuss this? If the ex co-parents, this woman has probably interacted with OPs children lots and lots of times. If you plan to have a nuclear family like this, with a man that already has obligations to other children, then surely, being adults, you would discuss the way forward together. Yes to compromise, but actually a lot of the suggestions on here are not compromise from everyone but total sacrifice from OP and her children!

Yes, mothers can move on. But if mothers moved across country so that their kids couldn't see their father, or if when OP had her new baby she decided she didn't want to look after her children anymore except for on the weekend or OEW, she would - rightly - get an absolute bollocking. The simple fact of it is this: he wants to play happy families and in order to fulfill HIS needs and wants, he is willing to sacrifice his children's best interests. Unfortunately when you have children you cannot always put your needs first, however this is exactly what this man is doing; being selfish, but it's OK because he is a man and only mothers need to put their children first. Dad's who are parenting equally can choose to opt out at any time and be weekend or fortnightly fathers at the drop of a hat and the children and mother has to suck it up??!!?

Crazee you are right. OP - I think you are right to be concerned that your Dc will feel he chose new partner and siblings over them. If Ex wanted to have child with new partner - he should have said - if we have a child we need to move nearer to my other DC as I have shared custody. That should have been non negotiable. Unless of course the child was unplanned.

6 hours drive there is too much for young children - that is the kind of drive you do for a holiday not every weekend. Your ex needs to be practical about what he can manage. If he says he will come to your mum's every weekend and then, as likely, can't - the DC will feel let down as he reduces his time with them. It would be better to say twice a month and 1 week of the major holidays - he needs to be realistic and not over claim how often he can see them.

OP do not get guilted into doing a lot of the travelling yourself. My friend did this. She took DD to ex on train each weeken and returned home and then he brought DD back on train at end of weekend (he paid fares). Pretty soon he was moaning about the cost of return tickets and lobbying for a 9 year old to travel intercity on her own! The child also missed out on weekend parties and drama and dance club, hockey etc things she liked and was knackered and cranky come school time. The ex also wanted weekend evening adult time .The arrangement didn't last and the child felt very upset about it all. It would have been better for a once a month trip from the start rather than reverting.

My experience -

Ex had to move similar distance away due to job he really didn't have a choice.

But

Unless he's very wealthy the petrol/transport costs are too much for every weekend

You're allowed fun time with your children too

They'll be KNACKERED! 12 hours for just a 2 day one night weekend is ridiculous!

The girlfriend will (understandably) want him to spend time with her at weekends and it CERTAINLY won't be feasible when she's due/just had the baby.

He HAS chosen gf/new baby over his current children. Planned or unplanned he doesn't HAVE to move in with her given he has an ongoing shared custody arrangement 6 HOURS AWAY

What will happen

Every weekend will last less than 6 months and even in that time there'll be weekends he just won't do it - sick, traffic, weather, skint, knackered etc

So then it'll drop to eow

Then it'll be monthly

Then half termly

Then termly

Then twice a year....

You see where I'm going? That is of course based on my experience ex has now not seen my daughter for almost 4 years and not phoned since summer.

Support your children through the transition but DONT lie to them. They're not stupid they get what's happening.

My DP s children live 80 miles away a 2 hour drive. We have them 3 weekends a month and half the holidays . And tbh the poor kids spend so much time travelling, they arrive at 7pm Friday hungry and tired and have to leave at 2 pm on a Sunday (again to make time for travelling) 😥 It's only just doable tbh .
I can't help but think your children won't get quality time with all the travelling involved. And I would be suspicious of your exs new gfs motives , who would ask a man to move so far from his children! Maybe she is hoping to make it difficult for him to maintain proper contact.
And to the people saying 'he has moved on deal with it'. How would you feel if OP said she was moving 6 hours away and not taking the kids, but that she would 'see them at weekends' . (Something that will prob fizzle out due to travelling)

IMO when parents split they have a duty to ensure that their children's relationship with both parents isn't affected. The problem is that when ex's move on we lose any kind of say in what they do with their lives. All we can do is have opinions really.

When me and my ex split we had 50/50, although now that DS is older he does admittedly spend more time at my house. however, I stayed here deliberately to enable that equal relationship to happen, and when me and DP, who doesn't live locally to me, got together, I made it very clear that this is where I would be living until DS leaves school and that it wasn't negotiable.

Now, I know that XH would like to move further towards London because his DP wants to, but I also know that he wouldn't deliberately compromise his relationship with DS. I also know though that DS is old enough to be able to travel more independently between us, whereas if he'd been younger I'm fairly certain moving would never have been a consideration (and still might not be, it's just what DS has mentioned.)

All that being said however, people do tend to have differing views on this depending on who it is that's moving. I have recently been seriously ill and have been requiring quite a lot of support. As such I would quite like to move back a bit closer to my family as I am quite isolated here. But DS is in y9 now so moving just isn't an option. Besides which, although he does spend more time at my house, I still wouldn't want to compromise his relationship with his dad. And yet if I posted on MN that I wanted to move 2.5 hours away I know that many would encourage me to do so.

So I think in truth that although it really is crap, and the relationship will be compromised, I'm not sure that there really is a right or wrong answer.

So it's ok for you to have a new partner and new child but not him? Why does you get to do that and not him?

You sound more worried about having to actual parent more than anything else.

Him moving is not great but you leaving him and going onto have a new man and child in their daily lives isn't great either. Both of you have chosen new partners not just him.

Your poor kids have been through an awful lot in the space of a few years.
The breakdown of their parents marriage, parents splitting, new step dad, new sibling and now a parent moving six hours away.

Sounds like none of the adults in their lives are particularly good at putting the kids first.

So it's ok for you to have a new partner and new child but not him? Why does you get to do that and not him?

No issues with him having more DC. The issue is with him moving 6 hours away from his 3 existing DC and negatively impacting their lives. Not to mention the assumption that his ex (OP) will pick up the pieces and step into the void whether it suits her or not.

You sound more worried about having to actual parent more than anything else.

Funny you make this totally unnecessary dig at OP, while it's the father who has actually decided to opt out of parenting his 3 young children (and we know the every weekend thing can't last).

While I do think that both OP and the ex have a right to move on and have more children if wanted etc, the one thing I would say is that OP is out of order to suggest that the ex's DP got pregnant deliberately without his knowledge. No-one can possibly know that. And now that she is pregnant, it stands to reason that the father should want to live with his new partner and baby as the OP does.

And let's be honest, very few people would criticise a woman for moving and taking the children away from their father, but because he's the one who's moved he's selfish. Whereas actually any parent who removes either themselves from their children's lives or their children from their other parent's lives is selfish.

I think it's very odd that he's gone from almost 50 50 care to planning to move 6 hours away. I have a similar arrangement with my ex and we accept we're both tied to living in the same area until dd leaves home. I just can't imagine how he could do this ( if XP did this it would break my heart, never mind dd's). He is joint primary carer, he can't just up and out of their lives like this. I think he's kidding himself every weekend would work as he's trying to make himself feel better. He should have made it non negotiable with his gf from the first that he couldn't move as he had the kids 3 days a week. I'd be devastated if I were you op.

Why the heck should OP move house or drive because he is moving away. Both options completely bonkers. It's up to him to sort it out. Jesus.

OP i cannot believe some of the responses you have had. No, yanbu. He's a selfish arsehole.