Sister is getting divorced, wants me tone happy for her that she has found love with affair

[Londonmamabychance]

My sister is wanting to divorce her husband. They've been together for 15 years, married for 11. Three kids of 9, 7 and 2.

She has been having an affair for the last eight months and has now told her husband about it and said she wants a divorce. The kids don't know yet. She and her husband are currently taking it in turns to be at the house, and while she's not there she's with the new guy. This situation has been going on for about a month now. Her husband does not want a divorce and keeps begging her to stay and hoping she will. But I know she won't as she tells me (also told him but he appears not to pay it any mind) that she hadn't loved him for years and only stayed for the sake of the kids.

She just sent me a photo of her with the new guy and captioned it 'happy deep down inside. Tomorrow I'll be home again and will find solutions to
Everything.' She clearly wants me to express happiness on her behalf or some sort of approval, but I'm finding it so hard.

I understand and respects that she does not love her husband anymore and have suspected that for some time anyway. He can be quite difficult and from the beginning of their relationship I thought he was quite dominating and a bit controlling towards her, but is by no means a bad person. No abuse or anything like that involved, just too much arguing and general dissatisfaction.

She seemed very broken and sad by it all last time we spoke and I was very sympathetic to her. She did mention the other guy but not as the main reason for her wanting to leave. But the way she presents things now and from what I hear from my parents it sounds like he is the main reason. She wants to divorce her husband and move straight in with this guy who she is head over heels in love with.

First of all I very worried for her future. She got with her husband when she was only 17, and they had kids quite early. I always thought she would be likely to have some midlife crisis due to so much commitment and children so early, especially as she also had a vey serious and demanding career and never really let loose. Now I worry that she's thrown herself in the arms of the first available guy - met him at work - and that after some years or even sooner she'll realise that he was just a rebound and that she lost her family for a fling, or missed the opportunity to find her own feet. I wish for her that if she was to have a divorce that she's spend some time on her own and find her own feet first before settling down with someone new. But I guess this is easier said than done.

Secondly, I feel so deeply sad and sorry for her husband and children who are about to loose their mother and wife. I know it sounds dramatic as of course they'll share custody and the children won't as such loose their mother, but she is breaking up the family.

I am not saying she does not have the right to make her own decisions and the right to be happy, I just wish that it would not have to involve another guy immediately, as an immediate transition, as it just seems so mean to her husband and will be too much for her children to handle.

Thirdly, I have to admit that I, on a completely personal level, feel that it's a tall order for her to expect her family (my parents and I) to be happy for her that she's in love and has met someone else when we see the devastating effect it's having on her children - the two oldest are beginning to suspect and are getting very nervous and unsettled - and her husband, who after 15 years is also a family member to us, and someone we care deeply about, despite the fact that his relationship with us hasn't always been plain sailing, we've reached a good and very warm relationship over the years.

I simply don't know how to respond to her happy picture and message.

Am I being selfish by not being able to be happy for her? Am I being judgemental? How to handle this? Any advice much appreciated.

I've not read the whole thread, but some responses are such a double standard here. Your BIL has just found out his wife is having an affair and leaving him. He's devastated and obviously suffering, but by crying (to your DM), he's accused of all sorts.

If it was a woman so upset that had become close to her MIL and was crying,,I doubt the same would be said.

Finding out your spouse is leaving for another and doesn't love you can send you into a terrible place. It's crushing and gut wrenching. Being a man doesn't lessen the pain.

He is a victim of infidelity. He's a betrayed spouse and people react in different ways when they are betrayed.

Seeing your wife leave to another man's bed must hurt deeply. If a woman posted and said her husband was going to OW and just returning for her turn with the kids all sympathy would be with her.

All you can do is say little regarding her new man. Introducing the kids to him so soon isn't in their best interest.

Affairs can make people so selfish, so I do hope she remembers how many people are affected by this.

Well said Sandy

If a woman posted she had been cheated on and was crying/leaning on MIL people certainly would advise her to find her support elsewhere.

The BIL is being accused of possibly doing the crying manipulatively because the OP stated he was controlling and domineering. It is not because he is a man.

Instead what happened was it stayed at our house for ages longer than it was meant to because DS wanted to do it properly and I was all over the place and then I ended up managing to get it back to school without even having written in the bloody book.

Oops wrong thread!!! Ha ha ha!

mrssapphire how would you have reacted if your sister back then very gently and respectfully had hinted at that it may be good for you to take things a bit slowly with your new man? Would it have pushed you away? The last thing I want it so to that. In your case it turned out well and you're still with the new man, I don't know the details of your situation, but in my sisters situation what worries me is that she is just leaving a controlling relationship and I worry she is prone to entering a new one. Is there something you think I can do to caution her against this or is my best bet just to support her in whatever she wishes to do, or perhaps try to stay a bit neutral and just be loving and supportive without directly encouraging her new relationship?

Sandy this is exactly why I feel sorry for my ex brother in law. Like I said many times he is no monster, just not that great. I don't blame my sis for having the affair but neither do I think he deserves it and have no sympathy for him at all. It's hard for everyone involved. My main concern is how I can support my sister to make the right decisions and get through this in the least harmful way possible to all convened and I worry she is leaning to much on the new guy too soon.

OP, seriously, I would concentrate my efforts on the children. Be the best aunty you can be to them. You're sister will be ok. The children need protected from the fallout

OP just to add I'm talking as the mum of 5 and grandma of 6. The children are the first priority.

Yes you're right the children needs me and the whole family the most. What I didn't mention so far in this thread is that my sister lives abroad, or should I say I live abroad here in the UK, as she lives in my native country. As such my contact with my sister and the kids are all through messages and FaceTime, so only know the situation that way. I do speak to them almost every day though so that's why I'm so involved, and am planning to move back in the spring so will be around then. But from a distance it's hard to do much for the kids as they're not really of an age where you can talk to them for long on FaceTime before they loose interest.thats why I guess my attention is so focused on my sister who I can speak to more easily

All I can think of to do for the kids at the movement is trying to make their mum do the best thing for them, and then send them some nice Christmas presents, I guess I feel a it disempowered and cut off by being so far away and worry a lot because I can't see the kids and hug them and really see how they are and have to rely on my mum and sisters accounts of how they are as well as snippets of FaceTime

My main concern is how I can support my sister to make the right decisions and get through this in the least harmful way possible to all convened and I worry she is leaning to much on the new guy too soon.

Some things that have caused further damage in these situations are:

▪ Introducing the kids to the new man too soon.
▪Talking badly about their dad
▪Trying to force the kids to like the OM
▪ Involving the OM in parenting decisions and having him attend parent's evenings
▪ Having the OM at school performances too soon.
▪ Getting your kids to see OM as a dad or to call him dad
▪ Posting pictures of you and the OM or the OM with your kids on social media

All these things have been done by the spouse who had an affair and they are
things that only serve to cause a lot more pain to the betrayed spouse at a time they are already in a lot of pain.

Let your sister be as happy as she wants to be, but it's right to be sensitive to your. BILS pain and bear in mind that his mental health will invariably affect the children and his ability to look after them.

I suppose I also feel slightly guilty, (this story Gets more and more complicated with my drip feeding, sorry) because if the fact that I know that the kids really rely a lot on my patterns and especially my mum. They're very close to her. But I am due to give birth to our second child in 4 weeks, and we have no family or v close friends in the UK who can help out, so my mum is coming over 2 weeks before my due date to ensure she's there for delivery to look after our oldest child, so that DH can be with me during labour. And she will stay and celebrate Christmas with us, for which my dad will also join us. I really need my mother, for once, generally I'm very self reliant, and living in another country of course I don't rely on her help in my daily life but only on rare occasions like the birth of my children and my wedding, but now I feel bad for taking her away from my nephews and niece when they need her so much as well. I almost feel like suggesting she goes home earlier and spend Christmas with my sisters kids. But on the other hand I had so looked forward to a Christmas with my parents and worry how I will get in without her, as DH can only take off 2 days from work and will have to work over Christmas so I'll be alone with a newborn and a toddler, then I feel upset because my sister has always tried a lot on my parebts help and at times so much I felt they had no energy left for me. I never held it against her because her need always seems bigger than mine, she had health problems, kids early, had to change her career due to an injury etc etc etc. When I had my first child we, miraculously, got pregnant at the same time and had our kids one week apart! This meant my mum didn't v little time with me in London, having flown in 3 days after the baby was born, as my sister needed her help at home. Again I understood the situation and still think it was fine as I managed on my own, but I suppose this is the first time o don't feel I'm in a position to say to my mum okay, put my sister first, I'll be okay on my own, because It would mean being completely alone just after having had the new baby as DH has to work a lot over Christmas and New Years. And I feel guilty about that. So I'm trying frantically to do something from a distance which will make Christmas okay for my sisters children, by trying to influence her to do what I think would be best for the kids. Does it make sense?

sandy thanks for your input, again I agree with it all but wonder how I could possibly communicate these things to my sister without pushing her away

I'm confused, the man has found out his wife is having an affair and will most likely leave him for the OM and the DH is getting stick ?

Also the OP says he isn't coping with the kids and this has been met with criticism from some posters. If a woman whose h was having an affair came to MN and said she was not coping with her dc and crying on her MIL shoulder, would she be told to cop on?!

Your welcome.

I understand it's hard in your position. You need your mum's help, so let those plans go ahead.

Does your BIL not have any family to spend Christmas with?

Have you asked your sister what her Christmas plans are?

I think that your BIL needs to accept that she's gone for good and try to concentrate on building himself up in order to be there for the kids.

OP, I think if you're worried you'll push your sister away simply by voicing your concerns about the children and offering up some suggestions along the lines of what Sandy has suggested, the fact remains you'll be walking on egg shells whenever you're going to open your mouth for whatever reason. It seems like very brattish behavior on her part. I wouldn't be pussy footing around her right now. I'd be making it very clear that I loved her but loving her didn't mean not being afraid to say what had to be said.

And you have every right to a Christmas with your mum and dad, and all the more so because of the soon to be new addition to your family. Don't let anyone's travel plans change because of what's currently going on. You're entitled to your fair share of your mum and dad.

Rewriting the past to justify the present isn't that unusual when someone is having an affair.

Actually your sister sounds very manipulative and hypercritical. Apparently she had no problem judging you and your behaviour but now expects you to smile and nod when it comes to her behaviour. Don't bite on her 'approval' fishing expeditions but if she does ask out right, articulate your concerns for the wellbeing of her children.

Speak to your parents and encourage them to encourage your BIL to access professional support because your parents aren't professionals and even if they were, they are too close to be of impartial support to him. It is in the best interests of the children that while their parents are in this emotional state that you and your parents are level headed and calm. I would be very concerned that both your BIL and sister could use you and your parents to further their own selfish agendas and that the children would be the sufferers.

Thanks for your advice, I think I'm
Going to try to very diplomatically say something to my sister about my concerns about her moving too quickly in her relationship with OM.

I also agree with the posters who say some people are being too hard on ex brother in law. He's far from perfect but he's not monster and none of us are perfect. The problem is he needs my parents a lot because his own parents are a bit rubbish and also compel they she'll
Shocked by this as they have 5 kids and his is now the 5th divorce : ( all his siblings are a bit messed up tbh.

Erm, your brother in law may not be a monster, but if you divorce five times, I think the problem probably won't be your spouses.

Distance I think you might have misunderstood that bit, he is the fifth of his siblings to get divorced not that he has had 5 divorces

I left my exh seven months ago after being very unhappy for years and everyone knew it. It was the third time I had tried to do it. My marriage was not a good example to my kids. It was an EA marriage

I had met someone a month before. I didn't leave my exh for him but it made me brave enough to finally do it.

Seven months later we are still together. He has only just met my children. Most family and friends disapprove still

titing that just be very hard for you. I think you've done very well waiting 7 months to introduce he kids to him, to give them time to adjust. I hope my sister will do the same.

I think that it's very very normal to almost need to meet someone else to oil yourself from an unhappy marriage with a quite dominating/controlling partner. And in many cases this new person can be great!

It's hard for other people to accord though because I guess as an outsider it's hard to really understand that this person has been unhappy in the marriage for years if they hid it well.

I spoke to my sister briefly in FaceTime today and she looked so happy. Meanwhile, her (ex)husband (well, they're still it divorced and haven't even told their kids yet so don't know what to call him) is alone in Barcelona, he had booked tickets and hotel there and tried to whisk her off to there on Thursday and she soda no and related she wants a divorce and does not love him. Apparently he was devastated, but decided to just go alone as he couldn't cancel the tickets or hotel anyway so late, and it Was her turn to have the kids. I just couldn't prevent myself from feeling a bit angry at my sister for being so happy while he's most likely sitting alone and drunk and heartbroken in Barcelona. I knew it's unfair and I know my ex-brother in law has a lot of shortcomings, but right now he's the one in the shit and she's head over heels in love with someone else, so it's hard not to feel a bit upset at her. I hide it and tell her I'm happy she's happy though

Well he didn't have to go to Barcelona did he? And it seems to me that he's just not listening to her when she's been quite clear what she wants - a divorce. How can you be angry with her for not going along with something he tried to force on her?

I'm not at all angry at her for not going with him to Barcelona of course. I'm angry with her for causing her husband and kids so much pain. Even though I know she's in her full right and she's suffered a lot to get to this stage. Her husband is obvs desperate. But in his case I'd have gone too rather than waste the money and sit and cry alone at home