Sister is getting divorced, wants me tone happy for her that she has found love with affair

[Londonmamabychance]

My sister is wanting to divorce her husband. They've been together for 15 years, married for 11. Three kids of 9, 7 and 2.

She has been having an affair for the last eight months and has now told her husband about it and said she wants a divorce. The kids don't know yet. She and her husband are currently taking it in turns to be at the house, and while she's not there she's with the new guy. This situation has been going on for about a month now. Her husband does not want a divorce and keeps begging her to stay and hoping she will. But I know she won't as she tells me (also told him but he appears not to pay it any mind) that she hadn't loved him for years and only stayed for the sake of the kids.

She just sent me a photo of her with the new guy and captioned it 'happy deep down inside. Tomorrow I'll be home again and will find solutions to
Everything.' She clearly wants me to express happiness on her behalf or some sort of approval, but I'm finding it so hard.

I understand and respects that she does not love her husband anymore and have suspected that for some time anyway. He can be quite difficult and from the beginning of their relationship I thought he was quite dominating and a bit controlling towards her, but is by no means a bad person. No abuse or anything like that involved, just too much arguing and general dissatisfaction.

She seemed very broken and sad by it all last time we spoke and I was very sympathetic to her. She did mention the other guy but not as the main reason for her wanting to leave. But the way she presents things now and from what I hear from my parents it sounds like he is the main reason. She wants to divorce her husband and move straight in with this guy who she is head over heels in love with.

First of all I very worried for her future. She got with her husband when she was only 17, and they had kids quite early. I always thought she would be likely to have some midlife crisis due to so much commitment and children so early, especially as she also had a vey serious and demanding career and never really let loose. Now I worry that she's thrown herself in the arms of the first available guy - met him at work - and that after some years or even sooner she'll realise that he was just a rebound and that she lost her family for a fling, or missed the opportunity to find her own feet. I wish for her that if she was to have a divorce that she's spend some time on her own and find her own feet first before settling down with someone new. But I guess this is easier said than done.

Secondly, I feel so deeply sad and sorry for her husband and children who are about to loose their mother and wife. I know it sounds dramatic as of course they'll share custody and the children won't as such loose their mother, but she is breaking up the family.

I am not saying she does not have the right to make her own decisions and the right to be happy, I just wish that it would not have to involve another guy immediately, as an immediate transition, as it just seems so mean to her husband and will be too much for her children to handle.

Thirdly, I have to admit that I, on a completely personal level, feel that it's a tall order for her to expect her family (my parents and I) to be happy for her that she's in love and has met someone else when we see the devastating effect it's having on her children - the two oldest are beginning to suspect and are getting very nervous and unsettled - and her husband, who after 15 years is also a family member to us, and someone we care deeply about, despite the fact that his relationship with us hasn't always been plain sailing, we've reached a good and very warm relationship over the years.

I simply don't know how to respond to her happy picture and message.

Am I being selfish by not being able to be happy for her? Am I being judgemental? How to handle this? Any advice much appreciated.

I don't think I'm taking my ex brother in laws side? In fact I've said to the contrary I was never a fan of him but learned to accept him
Over the years and came to see his good sides too. I have no contact with him at all and only with her and have been nothing so far than supportive of her. All I'm saying is I'm worried about this new relationship. If she was simply leaving her husband with no affair involved there wouldn't be a doubt in my mind she was doing the right thing. However, this does not mean I do t feel sorry for ex brother in law and kids. Ex brother in law is no monster! Just a less than perfect guy who I wish my sister hadn'tarried in the first place but since she did I came to like him, without ever being his biggest fan and knowing he's completely in free fall does make me sad. Does note an I take his side just that I don't wish anything bad upon him.

I don't know about my sisters Christian values. Suppose they're making it harder on her and contribute to her guilt, poor thing. She rarely mentions religion to me as she knows I'm not religious.

I think it's a difficult situation for
All but all your comments has made me see that probably the best I can do is not judge and support my sister without having to pretended I'm overjoyed about her having a new beau

Hi OP, I get what you are saying and it does sound like you are being supportive and non judgemental towards your sister. As everyone has said it is hard to know what goes on behind closed doors, maybe your bil was too controlling but alternatively your sister could be rewriting history to justify her affair. Very common as anyone whose partner has had an affair knows. Continue to support your sister, bil and their dc's. Ignore the pic. I don't think it is bad your bil crying on your Mum's shoulder. They have been together from a young age so it makes sense he can be like that with your mum. He is family. I think it is very hurtful of pp to suggest he is not. You don't need to pick sides.

I don't know it's also because my biggest fear is that this new guy is also a dick. Just because of the way she's thrown herself into his arms and that he'd even initiate an affair with someone married with three kids in the first place. And because of my sisters track record of nativity when it comes to men. Also, and I know so many of you will probably flame me for this and call me judgmental and silly and don't judge a book by its cover, but on the pic he just looks like a superficial, self absorbed type person, he looks tbh a bit vacant. It's just the vibe he gives off. I know it's silly to say

Naivity not nativity

And yes, I do feel brother in law is like family. He's been in the family since he was 19! Two years older than my sis. He's now 34, just like me. And yes I just called him a dick because in a way I think he is, but because I know him so well I now also know why he's like that (upbringing etc, not it's an excuse but it's an explanation) and have come to accept him, warts and all.

I wouldn't be too sure BIL is in free fall though...

Bringing the kids round and crying desperately on your mum is a strange thing to do.

I won't flame you, been there! Trust your instinct!

Oh and no flaming from me about OM. I also think he is highly likely to also be a dick!

I do believe brother in law is falling apart. He's not a very strong person. That's why he always felt tech need to keep my a sister to himself and control things around him. Very dominating and manipulate depressive mother whom he only very late broke free from. Think his whole is story is that family and being a family man he is very religious. And they lived just around the corner from my parents.

If she was simply leaving her husband with no affair involved there wouldn't be a doubt in my mind she was doing the right thing

This was absolutely us too. However DB flung himself off that moral high ground by having an affair before leavinh with really shitty consequences all around.

YY to the family thing too. This has been made clear to DBro. Not saying we won't have to navigate different circumstances in the future to accommodate the new circumstances but they won't exclude DSIL. Also my nieces and nephew are extremely important to us too.

Sorry identity not whole story

Our family recently went through a similar thing with my aunt. My cousins' dad was controlling and EA and I never really liked him even as a child. My immediate family all thought they should have split up long ago but aunt had an affair and left to immediately move in with OM.

After this her XH who was 'part of the family' was having them all round for dinner in the matrimonial home and they were all crowing about how lovely he is and how sad things were for him on facebook. The whole family (apart from my immediate family) went to aunt's matrimonial home to have xmas dinner.

It was an awful way to behave. Marriage does not trump blood. He has his own blood family and his own people to rely on. Aunt is ours.

I will never forgive them for the way they behaved with aunt's XH. They thought they were just supporting a 'member of the family' who was 'breaking down'.

Aunt meanwhile is in a shitty relationship with OM, they are now married but he is the single most odious toad I have ever had the displeasure to encounter and poor aunt is getting sicker and sicker (progressive MS).

I worry so much for her.

My immediate family (except me) went to the wedding, I did not go because he is an awful human being and I cannot pretend to celebrate their marriage. Love aunt very much but the rest of my immediate family is very much 'oh she is an adult she can make her own choices' about it. I can't agree fully with that. I think being abandoned in favour of her XH pushed her closer to odious toad. Plus everyone just being 'oh she's happy what does it matter that he is a drug addicted, lying abuser'

So yes I would do all you can to try and convince your DSIS to slow right down and wait to see if OM is going to last the distance. And I would absolutely encourage your mum to back away from BIL because if DSIS feels she doesn't have her family behind her she will cling all the more tightly to OM and then where will she and the DC be if he does highly likely IMO turn out to be an arse?

My cousins were young adults when this properly kicked off, older DD is one of those pathologically strong young people who can cope with absolutely all the shit anyone can throw having grown up with the EA but younger DD is so anxious and agoraphobic she cannot leave her house and is eating her way to morbid obesity.

DSIS kids are still in formative years which he the advantage of making them potentially more flexible and resilient but the disadvantage of making them more vulnerable to being completely fucked up for life if they are dragged into OM's house and he turns out to be a wrong un of the highest order.

And I think you are making excuses for bad behaviour from BIL. He should have learned to be strong and capable by now, given he hasn't he needs to learn now and not rely on women (your DM) to do it for him.

Literally every domineering and controlling man does it because they are insecure. It does not make them any less culpable for their abusive behaviour because TBF that is what 'keeping someone to yourself' and being controlling and domineering is - abusive behaviour.

And no, she should not have had an affair and yes she is being massively selfish, incredibly thoughtless and potentially neglectful of the DC ATM.

Omg I think i was once your sister lol. Very unhappy marriage from age 17 and 3 DCs. 2 sisters who im mega close to yet who only now, 8 years down the line, know the extent of how abusive and unhappy my marriage was. At the point at which I left they liked and respected exdh and felt some sympathy for him I'm sure. I'm with OM still, and in the happiest most secure marriage out of everyone I know. My kids (2 now into adulthood) are absolutely fine and actually have taken their own desicions recently to estrange from their father. My opinion? Be happy for your sister. Don't over invest or get too involved, but be happy for her. You will not know the full extent/story but she does, trust her.

There are some rather strange notions on this thread regarding a SIL and BIL.

Notions such as - He's not family. He's someone your sister is divorcing. He should not be leaning on his MIL. [

hmm]

That's why he always felt the need to keep my a sister to himself and control things around him

But that is the point, that may indeed have been what he needed to maintain his emotional security, but that is actually really curtailing your sister's personal autonomy and choices - she is not, and never should have been, responsible for maintaining this. Nobody, but nobody, is entitled to keep another person to themselves, no matter what their personal background, no matter how insecure they are - the correct response is to seek out psychological therapy.

Controlling your partner is against the law
CPS guidelines

Obviously there are ways and means of leaving a relationship, and I am not judging on that - my post is really for anyone reading who thinks that being controlling/dominating/having someone to yourself for your own emotional reasons is okay in some way, or has these reasons put to them to keep them in an abusive situation - it is NOT okay and no-one should have their liberty curtailed for the needs of another person.

If the care is shared and the DC are with their father, who has parental responsibility, when not with their mother, that is not neglect. That is co-parenting.

I agree with what offred suggests to say to her.

A woman is always entitled to end a relationship. Even for no reason. Even if he's ''perfect''. And thats far from the case.

I agree that it could be a form of indirect manipulation to have your x h seeking sympathy from the very familoy (ie, yours) who should be behind your transition

I wasn't referring to the co-parenting as neglectful

The being swept up in the affair to the extent she may move her children in with OM that she hardly knows straight away is what I was referring to.

If the children are safe, looked after properly and loved, it is not neglect.

And as far as I understood, no-one has moved anywhere yet, except the mother. And there are due processes of law to follow as regarding the children.

My DDs dad left when she was a baby; he emotionally neglected her by excluding her from his new family for several years, I think, and financially by omitting to pay maintenance. So you can cut it both ways.

That's why I said 'potentially neglectful'.

and unless BIL applies for a prohibited steps order there is no law stopping her moving in with OM and having her children there. That would be very rash in the circs but neglectful if he turns out to be abusive.

My DDs step father turned out to be abusive, I guess I am neglectful then.

Depends if you had an affair and moved straight in with him after leaving her father