Sister is getting divorced, wants me tone happy for her that she has found love with affair

[Londonmamabychance]

My sister is wanting to divorce her husband. They've been together for 15 years, married for 11. Three kids of 9, 7 and 2.

She has been having an affair for the last eight months and has now told her husband about it and said she wants a divorce. The kids don't know yet. She and her husband are currently taking it in turns to be at the house, and while she's not there she's with the new guy. This situation has been going on for about a month now. Her husband does not want a divorce and keeps begging her to stay and hoping she will. But I know she won't as she tells me (also told him but he appears not to pay it any mind) that she hadn't loved him for years and only stayed for the sake of the kids.

She just sent me a photo of her with the new guy and captioned it 'happy deep down inside. Tomorrow I'll be home again and will find solutions to
Everything.' She clearly wants me to express happiness on her behalf or some sort of approval, but I'm finding it so hard.

I understand and respects that she does not love her husband anymore and have suspected that for some time anyway. He can be quite difficult and from the beginning of their relationship I thought he was quite dominating and a bit controlling towards her, but is by no means a bad person. No abuse or anything like that involved, just too much arguing and general dissatisfaction.

She seemed very broken and sad by it all last time we spoke and I was very sympathetic to her. She did mention the other guy but not as the main reason for her wanting to leave. But the way she presents things now and from what I hear from my parents it sounds like he is the main reason. She wants to divorce her husband and move straight in with this guy who she is head over heels in love with.

First of all I very worried for her future. She got with her husband when she was only 17, and they had kids quite early. I always thought she would be likely to have some midlife crisis due to so much commitment and children so early, especially as she also had a vey serious and demanding career and never really let loose. Now I worry that she's thrown herself in the arms of the first available guy - met him at work - and that after some years or even sooner she'll realise that he was just a rebound and that she lost her family for a fling, or missed the opportunity to find her own feet. I wish for her that if she was to have a divorce that she's spend some time on her own and find her own feet first before settling down with someone new. But I guess this is easier said than done.

Secondly, I feel so deeply sad and sorry for her husband and children who are about to loose their mother and wife. I know it sounds dramatic as of course they'll share custody and the children won't as such loose their mother, but she is breaking up the family.

I am not saying she does not have the right to make her own decisions and the right to be happy, I just wish that it would not have to involve another guy immediately, as an immediate transition, as it just seems so mean to her husband and will be too much for her children to handle.

Thirdly, I have to admit that I, on a completely personal level, feel that it's a tall order for her to expect her family (my parents and I) to be happy for her that she's in love and has met someone else when we see the devastating effect it's having on her children - the two oldest are beginning to suspect and are getting very nervous and unsettled - and her husband, who after 15 years is also a family member to us, and someone we care deeply about, despite the fact that his relationship with us hasn't always been plain sailing, we've reached a good and very warm relationship over the years.

I simply don't know how to respond to her happy picture and message.

Am I being selfish by not being able to be happy for her? Am I being judgemental? How to handle this? Any advice much appreciated.

[CocoaX]

Not that it is about me, of course but that is a risk with any man and why I am now single. But should that really be the starting point? Marriage breaks down, therefore mother remains single forever after? Or until DC are adults?

[CocoaX]

Oh for goodness sake, morality discourse or what! Of course I did not, there was a four year gap, but it made no difference, did it? They don't come with abusive stamped on their heads

[Offred]

No just don't move out of the family home and straight in with your affair partner.

I do (and have applied it on other threads in fact more often than I have to women - this is possibly the first time actually) apply it to both parents.

[Offred]

I think you don't understand what I am saying. What is neglectful is being so caught up in your desire to be with your affair partner that you don't transition yourself and the DC properly.

[Offred]

And therefore neglect their emotional needs for a safe and stable home in favour of your emotional desires.

[MrsJayy]

Your sister had an affair if it was your bil he would be all the arseholes under the sun your sister needs to suck it up and sort it out for her childrens sake all this romantic notions of her escaping a bad marraige how he trapped a 17yr old could be a pile of pish . You can support your sister by being honest about it you dont need to be nasty or anything i would ignore the new man and just focus on your sister for now this man hasnt saved your sister he is a distraction

[Coconutcoconut]

My step dad presented the image of the good guy who 'fell apart' when my mum finally divorced him, he got on very well with the family and all of her friends including my uncle and as such some people outside the marriage (uncle included) did not really understand when my mum left him, it broke my mums heart.

My mum and I knew the truth though, that he was a highly controlling, EA, narc who had terrorised us for years.

Some things are not as they seem and non judgemental support is what your sister needs right now.

[MrsJayy]

Yes non judgemental support is what she needs you dont have to mention new fella or say what a bad guy husband is your sister is your sister and atm she needs you

[Bobochic]

OP - yes, you are being appallingly judgmental in a very stereotypical way.

[sofato5miles]

Jesus. Glad you are not my sister. This is not the time to be putting out the scarlet As.

Support and don't judge. The less of a frama this is, the better. Especially for the children.

I've had friends and family split for a variety of reasons. The only person cut dead socially was the man who was abusive.

She has one life and it is up to her.

[Berthatydfil]

Your bils behaviour has red flags waving all over it.
Please support your sister as bil is trying to isolate her by commandeering support from your family.
If the new man is an arsehole this will be driving them closer together.
You your mother and your family should say to both that you're sad the relationship has broken down but you're not taking sides.
Encourage sis to live alone with DC and not rush headlong into this new relationship.

[Graphista]

Seems to me blame on both sides. Ex bil sounds 'off' at least BUT that's no excuse infidelity.

However, she is your sister and she will be judged by many others when the affair becomes public (which it will)

What I DON'T think is OK is moving the children in with the new man immediately.

I've seen this happen in my own family twice, it destroyed the relationship between the parent and the children and has totally messed up the now adult children in terms of their own romantic relationships (either rush into things themselves or scared to commit).

They are very young, they will be hurt, bewildered and confused, will struggle with loyalties to each parent. Absolutely please discourage her from moving in immediately

[Londonmamabychance]

I ended up responding to her text and the pic with something along the lines of 'glad to see you look so happy, I hope that you'll find some good solutions that work for all of you and make it clear to everyone what's happening. I also hope that, in the midst of it all, you'll find a bit of time to be yourself and find you own feet'. This was my euphemistic way of trying to tell her to slow things down with OM.

She responded saying that everything was a mix of deep sadnes and happiness at the moment, and that she was so happy I am there for her and not being judgmental, and that she has been unhappy in her marriage for years and often cried alone at night. She said she had felt so alone and sad because she could not feel love for her husband. And then she said she wants to share her life with OM and has wanted that for a long time (but she's only known him for 10 months and the affair been going on for 8, so IMO that's not really long). Then she euphemistically said (we're obvs both trying not to say thins to straight out to avoid potential conflict...) that she still has a long life ahead of her (she's 32) and that things take time, yet "you never get lost days back again'.

To me it sounded like she kind of acknowledged the need to slow things down a bit with OM, but the whole 'want to share my life' etc sounds like she's quite up for jumping right into it.

I am going to think of a good response that does not risk alienating her, while yet making it clear that my advice would be to slow things down with him a bit. Maybe say something a long the lines of what offred said a while back about that It's nothing to do with OM as I don't know him at all and he may very well make her v happy, and that is my sincere wish for her, but that yes, life is long so there is no reason to rush it. Perhaps even directly encourage that she makes her own base at first (ie moves into a place of her own or with our parents for a while, they live just around the corner and have plenty of space,) from which she can continue to see OM but also find her own feet a bit.

The thing is I can see exactly how she feels, she's clearly head over heels in love and so happy with OM, all she wants is to spend every minute with him and can't wait to start a new life with him, probably she's also expecting he'll be a better father than ex-husband (from whom she hasn't even started divorce proceedings or anything yet, btw). After having seen how much she misjudged ex-brother in law and for how long she put up with being unhappy with him, the prospect of her throwing her lot straight in with a new man worries me a lot.

desmondo I'm glad to hear that things worked out well for you in a similar situation. I guess every situation is unique, and people meet in all kinds of circumstances, it's not like just because you meet in a bit of a messy way, that relationship is always wrong. Personally, I met my husband in fairly messy circumstances as well, nothing involving affairs or such bit messy nonetheless, and we've been together for 6 happy years now. It's the specifics of my sister's character and situation that makes me worry so much about her actions right now.

cocoax of course you never know if someone is abusive right from the start and it's easy for everyone to make mistakes. No one puts their children at risk on purpose!

my2centsand everyone else saying that it's okay to see brother in law as family. He has been in our family for 16 years! That's a very long time. Especially given how young they were when they got together. He's been in my family since I was 19. That's a bloody long time. It's not even my sisters wish that we distance ourselves from him, to the contrary she feels guilty for what's happening and has asked us all not to think ill of her ex-husband and to help him through this too. She's not hating him, she's been trying to force herself to love him for years apparently and has now reached a stage where she realises she never will love him again and feels massive guilt. I feel
So sorry for her feeling guilty because it's not her fault she does not feel that way. Again, it's mainly the OM aspect that worries me.

[Londonmamabychance]

boboic and sofa I have never judged her infidelity for one second, which is obvs from
The fact she feels comfortable to share pics of her with OM with me. I genuinely don't condemn her infidelity as I understand her situation. I am simply worried that she's making a mistake by rushing straight into a new relationship after having been in one surpressive relationship for 15-16 years.

[Londonmamabychance]

Especially the fact that I saw danger signs wth ex brother in law right from the start but always held back saying anything, especially because I thought that I should be supportive of her choices and not judge. Probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway if I had said something about my misgivings early on with him, may have even Pushed them
Closer, but can't help thinking maybe I should have said something big to her

[Londonmamabychance]

*not big but about it

[MrsJayy]

Sounds like you and your sister have an understanding I think what you said was diplomatic and supportive of her its such a shame she was miserable in her marraige

[ohdearme1958]

And therefore neglect their emotional needs for a safe and stable home in favour of your emotional desires

I have a feeling it is going to be just that with the children being collateral damage. I think the move to a new house with the bloke and the children is going to happen very quickly.

OP the only side you need to be on in this mess is the children's and I wouldn't be beating around the bush and texting in euphemisms when fighting their corner.

[DistanceCall]

The children won't be losing either one of their parents. And they will still have a family. The relationship you have with your partner as a couple is a different one from the one you have as a parent with your children. A divorce doesn't end a family. It ends a couple.

Unless your sister behaves badly towards her children (in which case I think you should speak to her), what she does in her relationship with her partner is none of your business.

[Londonmamabychance]

It's difficult. Tbh, I am as worried for my sister herself as for the children, if she moves in too quickly with OM. She judged ex-BIL so wrongly and I fear she will be wrong about this guy too, particulalry given the circumstances they've met in. Transistioning from being the other Man to being full-time partner and stepfather is a big step and she has no clue how she'll feel about him in those circumstances or how he will turn out to be. She's only known him for 8 month, for gooness sake.

[ohdearme1958]

And they will still have a family

Hopefully they won't gain a new 'uncle' sooner rather than later.

[ohdearme1958]

OP To be honest your sister is only going to do what she wants to do and someone has to be there batting for the children. That someone is you.

[mrssapphirebright]

When i left my exh for the man that is now my current dh I was in a similar situation to your sister (although my exh was not controlling in any way).

My sister was like a rock to me, even though I know she was worried about me, my dc and my exdh. I will never forget her compassion and non judgemental attitude. It actually made us closer because it felt like for a long time she was the only one on my side.

Regardless of what is 'right' or 'wrong', I suspect your sister needs a friend right now.

[mushroomsontoast]

I've been in various versions of this situation on both sides - ExH left me for OW, my DSis left her long term partner for someone who she is now married to, a good friend of mine is going through a divorce at the moment and strangely 'met' someone at work the minute her DH moved out, to much judgement from mutual friends...

All I would say is don't judge, don't take sides, be as supportive in practical terms as you can but don't get too involved. When my exH left people tried to 'help' by sending him awful messages, blanking him when he had the DC etc which was awful. I've seen really good friends take sides and fall out over what my friend who is getting divorced is doing at the moment. It's not worth it, just let them live their life. You just don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

[tiredandhungryalways]

Your sister is being incredibly selfish. Assuming her husband is emotionally abusive she still shouldn't be having an affair. She needs time out to rebuild her life and help settle her kids then meet someone or even introduce OM to get children. As always kids are punished for parents stupid actions. They need stability through their parents split not a mother who is too busy looking forward to meeting the 'love of her life'. Ridiculous