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Original poster

Sister is getting divorced, wants me tone happy for her that she has found love with affair

127 replies

Londonmamabychance · 09/11/2016 17:20

My sister is wanting to divorce her husband. They've been together for 15 years, married for 11. Three kids of 9, 7 and 2.

She has been having an affair for the last eight months and has now told her husband about it and said she wants a divorce. The kids don't know yet. She and her husband are currently taking it in turns to be at the house, and while she's not there she's with the new guy. This situation has been going on for about a month now. Her husband does not want a divorce and keeps begging her to stay and hoping she will. But I know she won't as she tells me (also told him but he appears not to pay it any mind) that she hadn't loved him for years and only stayed for the sake of the kids.

She just sent me a photo of her with the new guy and captioned it 'happy deep down inside. Tomorrow I'll be home again and will find solutions to
Everything.' She clearly wants me to express happiness on her behalf or some sort of approval, but I'm finding it so hard.

I understand and respects that she does not love her husband anymore and have suspected that for some time anyway. He can be quite difficult and from the beginning of their relationship I thought he was quite dominating and a bit controlling towards her, but is by no means a bad person. No abuse or anything like that involved, just too much arguing and general dissatisfaction.

She seemed very broken and sad by it all last time we spoke and I was very sympathetic to her. She did mention the other guy but not as the main reason for her wanting to leave. But the way she presents things now and from what I hear from my parents it sounds like he is the main reason. She wants to divorce her husband and move straight in with this guy who she is head over heels in love with.

First of all I very worried for her future. She got with her husband when she was only 17, and they had kids quite early. I always thought she would be likely to have some midlife crisis due to so much commitment and children so early, especially as she also had a vey serious and demanding career and never really let loose. Now I worry that she's thrown herself in the arms of the first available guy - met him at work - and that after some years or even sooner she'll realise that he was just a rebound and that she lost her family for a fling, or missed the opportunity to find her own feet. I wish for her that if she was to have a divorce that she's spend some time on her own and find her own feet first before settling down with someone new. But I guess this is easier said than done.

Secondly, I feel so deeply sad and sorry for her husband and children who are about to loose their mother and wife. I know it sounds dramatic as of course they'll share custody and the children won't as such loose their mother, but she is breaking up the family.

I am not saying she does not have the right to make her own decisions and the right to be happy, I just wish that it would not have to involve another guy immediately, as an immediate transition, as it just seems so mean to her husband and will be too much for her children to handle.

Thirdly, I have to admit that I, on a completely personal level, feel that it's a tall order for her to expect her family (my parents and I) to be happy for her that she's in love and has met someone else when we see the devastating effect it's having on her children - the two oldest are beginning to suspect and are getting very nervous and unsettled - and her husband, who after 15 years is also a family member to us, and someone we care deeply about, despite the fact that his relationship with us hasn't always been plain sailing, we've reached a good and very warm relationship over the years.

I simply don't know how to respond to her happy picture and message.

Am I being selfish by not being able to be happy for her? Am I being judgemental? How to handle this? Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
LunaJuna · 09/11/2016 19:31

the image of my ex brother in law crying inconsolably on my mums shoulder.

Confused He shouldn't be putting your mum in this position and I hope he's not trying to put your family against your sister

It's very sad for the children and everyone but people change , this things happens, she's allowed to leave a relationship she's not happy in. The situation is not ideal and you don't need to be over the moon for her , but please be there for her...

Original poster
Londonmamabychance · 09/11/2016 19:49

Well i don't quite understand your approach blunteness a bit confused by it tbh. My sis and I always had a v good relationship and I've never been judgmental
Of her, to the contrary she's been judgemental of me as she became Christian v religious when she met her now ex husband and both of them were judgemental about my then fairly promiscuous life, something I never held against any of them since, despite it all. I think to the contrary that my sis feels I, due to having had many different relationships will not be judgmental. I just feel confused that although I always was there for her and always tried to gently make her open up about her relationship she never revealed this feeling of unhappiness and now it suddenly comes out. I have always been very open to her about challenges in my last relationship as well as in my current marriage, but never felt she was open to me in exchange. I'm not saying she had to be or that I have any claim
On her confidence it is just that it all
Comes as a shock to me. She only told me about the affair and the whole thing a week ago and today a picture of her posing with her new guy, just all a bit of a shock to go from pretending everything is perfect to 'we're having a divorce and I've been unhappy for years and this is who I'm in love with now'.
I suppose it goes to show how suppressed she really felt in the relationship all along, it's just that I wasn't a big fan of her husband when they first met, precisely for all the reasons she now heeself lists, and she knew this, and all these years I did my best to like him and get close to him, and to accept the image of perfection she wanted to present to me wen though part of me didn't believe it. And now she suddenly breaks out and down and after having forced us all to take this guy into our lives and hearts wants us all to chuck him out and take in a new guy overnight.

OP posts:
Offred · 09/11/2016 19:59

I think maybe you have overcompensated a bit by getting a bit too close to BIL. Possibly at her instigation or just because the family weren't that enamoured of him to start.

I can't see any situation where it is appropriate for someone to cry on the shoulder of their MIL really but it is especially inappropriate for it to happen when DSIS and BIL are divorcing.

Offred · 09/11/2016 20:02

He isn't your family DSIS is your family. He is someone that was married to your family member and it is nice for everyone to get on but crying on your mother's shoulder is quite wrong IMO.

I'd worry that it was another way in which he was being manipulative and controlling TBH. Trying to take her family from her.

LtEsmeHansard · 09/11/2016 20:09

I think your ex BIL sounds most unpleasant and I am not surprised that after 15 years of it she jumped ship. It's not ideal the way she's handled it but after 15 years of being dominated and controlled (even just being "quite dominating and controlling" Hmm) maybe she's not thinking straight. Stay on your sisters side, your BIL sobbing and lamenting his loss doesn't necessarily make him the victim here.

Original poster
Londonmamabychance · 09/11/2016 20:31

You're right, it doesn't make him the victim. The reason he's crying on my mums shoulder though is that during the days he has the kids he can't really handle it because he's falling so much apart, it's really not an act, he's having a full on breakdown, so needs help with the kids so goes to my parents house with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonmamabychance · 09/11/2016 20:33

And yes, may have overcompensated trying to get close to him, but only because my sister always pushed me to do so. I suppose part of me feels relived she's finally faved up to the truth but maybe anothe to oart of me is so horrified that my worst soaps icons about their marriage have been true all along

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonmamabychance · 09/11/2016 20:33

Suspicions, not soap icons!

OP posts:
Offred · 09/11/2016 20:35

Well, still, your mum's house is not the place to go.

Many people just have to cope with their kids when they are really upset.

It also does rather chime with what your sister said about him not looking after the kids when they were together.

Strikes me that it is rather convenient for him for two reasons; 1. Coming in between your sister and her family and 2. Not having to look after his own kids.

ElizabethHoney · 09/11/2016 20:36

YANBU to feel sad and worried for your sister and her husband and children.

Of course you're right that it's her life and her decision, but there are valid reasons why you think she's making a mistake.

When you love someone, of course you're worried rather than overjoyed if you think they're messing up their life... I'm slightly confused by posters who think YABU!

Offred · 09/11/2016 20:38

It must be difficult and confusing for you at the moment given it is all so recent and so much. I can see totally why you are worried about the DC. It's overwhelming for you as an adult with the benefit of some distance nevermind them.

I do think the marriage is over now whatever was going on (he sounds not at all nice btw in which case divorcing him is positive for her). You just maybe need to try and nudge her away from being rash re OM and DC.

ElizabethHoney · 09/11/2016 20:40

You said your sister had become a Christian. Has she turned her back on that now?

I can't see her Christian friends or the church encouraging her to leave her husband for the man she's having an affair with, and it's not exactly behaviour symptomatic of a genuine Christian...

AnyFucker · 09/11/2016 20:46

You have no idea what went on behind closed doors in their marriage

I don't condone the cheating. However, I would be mightily fucked off with the way you are rewriting their history and virtually taking your BIL's side

He "can't cope" with his own kids ? That is pathetic. This bloke is manipulating you all and it is probably only your sister that can see the truth of it.

BillericayDuckie · 09/11/2016 20:50

Please, please, please support your sister even if you don't fully agree with or understand what she is doing.

I fully admit that I may not have gone about things the "right" way when I separated from my ExH, but the judgemental comments from my parents and sister and their total lack of support broke my heart.

CocoaX · 09/11/2016 20:52

Yes, I am sorry but I agree with previous posters that controlling includes emotional manipulation and trying to get your family on his side. The fact that he is always trying to get your sister to come back is also controlling- she has ended the marriage, it's a thin line between persuading her to come back and harassment.

I think new bloke offered the escape and best counsel is glad you seem happier, look after yourself and slow down a bit though

clumsyduck · 09/11/2016 20:53

I would be careful not to play to much into the badly done by husband routine ." A bit controlling and to much arguing " may be the tip of the iceberg . Everyone was baffled when I left my "lovely" dp until I explained he had Actually cheated on me and treated me like muck I was just to embarrassed to admit i had made a massive mistake in ever getting into a relationship with him

Sunnydawn · 09/11/2016 21:18

Unless you have a situation like my family where my BIL was genuinely a decent man and husband, and my sister was the one who threw a hand grenade into the marriage. If my BIL hadn't had my Mum to lean on (at least in the practical sense with childcare etc), I dread to think what would've happened. My sister didn't even see the children for weeks. It was my mum who held the whole sorry mess together.

You have no idea what happened behind closed doors. I guess all you can do is to stand back, try to keep a calmcabs supportive relationship with your sister, and her children, and let her get on with it.

divineinterruption · 09/11/2016 21:19

They both sound as awful as each other. Why is it always the man who is at fault when a woman decides to cheat him? Whatever happens, it is the children who lose, no two ways about it. Just hold your tongue and live your own life the best you know how.

divineinterruption · 09/11/2016 21:19

They both sound as awful as each other. Why is it always the man who is at fault when a woman decides to cheat him? Whatever happens, it is the children who lose, no two ways about it. Just hold your tongue and live your own life the best you know how.

clumsyduck · 09/11/2016 21:22

I don't think people are necasserily saying the man is at fault but if the sister has picked up that he is a bit controlling then that won't be the half of it because people who are controlling to a partner tend to do a good job of hiding it !

Bluntness100 · 09/11/2016 21:27

Why is it always the man who is at fault when a woman decides to cheat him

divineinterruption · 09/11/2016 21:34

I did read it and he may controlling, she may be controlling, he may be having affairs, she is having an affair, they both sound awful.

My2centsworth · 09/11/2016 21:38

DSIL has looked to my family for support because her own family live quite far away and by marrying DB and having children with him, she is now and always will be part of our family. I think all of the comments on this thread assume very limited wrong doing in the DSIS and the weight of wrongdoing in the DBIL. As I say we are in the exact reverse situation and I would never for a moment have suspected that DSIL was responsible for DBro's affair even though neither of them were perfect.

Susiesoap7 · 09/11/2016 21:40

Exactly the same happened to me and my sister, it's awful because you care about your sister and brother in law, it leaves a lot of pain and hurt because you try to support both. I won't bore you with details but she did eventually marry the man she had the affair with, but a few years ago he had an affair with someone else, they are still together but i could never trust him again.

Offred · 09/11/2016 21:49

I don't think anyone has said BIL is responsible for DSIS affair. They've simply said it sounded like a bad marriage to a not very nice man that DSIS wasn't happy in so the ending of it is a good thing.

I don't see how it would be helpful to be whipping the OP into a frenzied blame game in this situation either. If it were BIL friend asking for advice about his emotional state post revelation it'd be fair enough to be sympathising by slagging off DSIS but it isn't.

It is the OP's DSIS and she wants advice about how to deal with this from that perspective. My advice would be to keep relatively detached emotionally, be supportive ultimately of the DC and try to nudge DSIS into not making a massive mistake re moving in with OM.

Oh and massively detach from BIL, having him round with the DC all the time getting DM to look after them for him while he cries on her shoulder will only inflame the situation.