Ashamed to say....

[MsBearL26]

On Saturday I hit my partner, and his son who's 18 heard what went on as he was in the house upstairs. We had fallen out whilst out drinking (root of many evils I guess) and he called me a catalogue of vile names which he knew would rile me. His past 2 exs have cheated on him and I guess he's wary of women, but after 2 years with me I thought he had more trust in me. He ended up screaming at me calling me a slag continuously, even though I never have and never would cheat. I locked myself in bathroom n he kicked door in. Then called me that name again and again til I snapped. Now I feel incredibly disappointed in myself and his son won't talk to me. I just don't know what to do apart from cut back/give up drinking so I'm more in control. Just looks like it's all my fault but after hours of name calling and criticism me myself and my family I just lost it. I'm 44 and have never behaved like this and just feel so sad and ashamed.

Please get rid OP. You have nothing to lose and everthing to gain.

You have your own home - and he has his so he can't even say he has nowhere to go (although that would be irrelevant anyway).

Send your DD a loud and clear message right now that women should not put up with this kind of shit.

I don't have time to read all the posts but it saddens me that you seem to think it is your fault. Have you thought that maybe his other gf's cheated on him because he was like this with them and perhaps they needed another man to give them the courage to leave. Breaking down a door is extreme behaviour in anybody's book. Cutting down on your drinking may help you see the wood from the trees and will be healthier for you

Get rid. What's the point in living like this?

Chances are, they'd didn't cheat on him if this is how he treated them.

He's probably just telling you that to attempt to justify his behaviour.

His last ex of 18 years actually told me she never did but he said she's lying. I don't really know her but she messaged me regarding an issue which had arisen (nothing serious). She also said she wasn't a bad person but had to get out having. 'done' 18 years with him. Why she felt she had to tell me I don't know but of course he said it was all lies?!

If you sell your house you're a mug.

If you marry him you're a fool.

He seems to be very clever at turning things round and making out things are my fault...so much so I think I end up believing it.

Keep your house. Get rid of him. He does the opposite of make you happy.

And yes, I'd have thumped him one, at that point, too. It's fight or flight and there's no way to flee when he's raging and got you cornered in the bathroom.

And who do you believe, now. Your partner who absolutely bloody terrified you, last night, or his ex who had had enough of what is highly likely to have been the same behaviour. She was trying to warn you. She's told you what he's like and he's told you loud and clear what to expect from him.

LTB before you become a tragic statistic.

The fact that you haven't already left when he KICKED IN YOUR BATHROOM DOOR, never mind anything else, shows how much he's messed with your head. He kicked in your bathroom door. That's not normal by any stretch of the imagination. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who kicks in doors??

She had 18 years of being called a slag.

Actually he was probably on his best behaviour for the first year - so 17 years.

It was his bathroom door but still no excuse.....

It sounds like self-defence as he was kicking in the bathroom door and that must have been very frightening. But you have said yourself that your drinking is not in your control and that is something you will need to address regardless of your relationship status. Get rid of him and seek help with the drinking.

What does she have to gain from lying? Nothing

What does he have to gain by lying? He thinks it gains him justification for treating you the way he does.

Believe her. She's been where you were. Do you really want to spend the next 17 years being treated like this? Or possibly worse, as it will probably lead to physical violence from him?

You reacted in self defence. You walked away from threatening behaviour. You locked yourself in a bathroom to get away. He kicked the bathroom door in so he could abuse you some more. You hit him in self defence while backed into a corner of a bathroom, with no escape, while suffering abuse.

No police officer, the CPS or anyone with any sort of morals will take his side over yours.

You are the victim in this, not him.

In the end, you have to take responsibility for your own life.

Objectively, you know this is an awful way to live. The children of both partners are unhappy. You're unhappy. He's a bloody nutcase.

You own your house, mortgage-free.

Don't even think about selling it.

Dump the man, give up booze for a while and go cold turkey on men, too. You need to recover and be able to establish boundaries.

And then he'll end up with a house all to himself plus half of yours, whilst you will end up with only half a house, can't ask him to leave because it's his house too, can't leave yourself because you have nowhere to go. This is a very, very bad idea. Don't listen to his apparently reasonable words, look at the facts. And for heaven's sake don't tell yourself that he will start to trust you with time, with commitment such as house buying, marriage, any of that shit. Either he never will because he is of a paranoid personality type, or he is pretending not to trust you because it puts you on the back foot, always trying to prove your devotion etc. (Do you know for a fact that his exes cheated on him or did he just tell you in a really believable way? Not everyone who's good at acting is in the movies.)

Run away, run away, and don't buy so much as a lawnmower with this person, let alone a house.

At the moment I own my own house mortgage free. He has his house with 7 year mortgage remaining. He wants me to sell mine and he'll get mortgage for half new house. I can pay outright for my half
BUT he says he won't sell his, just rent it out for extra income.

So you would end up with half a house and he has his house and another half?

No no no. Do not do this.

He's abusive and manipulative. They usually go hand in hand.

I wouldn't believe him about the Exes. I think he's the one with the problem.

You have a mortgage free house and if you buy with him, you're tied to the debt.

What an eye opener these replies have been. I actually lay awake most of last night feeling like the worst person in the world. Feel so sad how this is unfolding after hoping we had a future together. Guess I've been kidding myself for a while

Seriously, do you really want to marry a man who thinks you are a slag? If you marry this man you only have yourself to blame when it all goes wrong. And I promise you it will.

I'd have slapped the fucker too. Hope you're ok.

If you stay with this man you will have no real future. Take your life back and leave him - your life will be happier (as will your children's).

OP sorry you are going through this, I am so pleased this thread has not been full of people condemming you for slapping him, I think you were very brave you BF sounds like abusive bully.

I'd put as much space between the two of you as you can.

Then I'd stop drinking.

If this sort of thing happens again you know it's you. If it doesn't you'll know it was him.

Good luck OP - sounds like you've just about dodged a bullet.

I don't really condone violence but this seems fucked up, and his son is 18 he should know that his dad had been acting that way pushing your buttons being a prick so I don't know why he's not talking to you that worries me a little