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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insecure men, red flags?

102 replies

J0kersSmile · 06/11/2016 21:29

Slightly gutted to be posting this. I thought I had found a really nice man to get to know but he's really insecure and it's putting me off.

He wants reassurance everytime we speak and text that I like him and miss him. It's bugging me now. I've told him I like him we're dating, we're sleeping together (sex is great) but he really wants more quickly and he's now getting insecure.

I was really attracted to him, really liked that he had a busy life with friends and the gym, we had a spark but I really don't want to have to reassure someone that just because we haven't spoke for a few hours that I'm not off with him.

This is a red flag isn't it? He also told me he gets jealous the last time I saw him. Sad jealousy is normal to an extent I suppose and so is insecurity and I could be over reacting as I have been with a few Dickheads before and he's so nice apart from this. Flowers, meals, thoughtful stuff ect. I really liked him.

Can you help someone over their insecurities? I don't particularly want a project but everything else is great apart from this. He will put me off if it carries on anymore though.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/11/2016 16:40

You are calling?
Crikey!
You'll get tears and tantrums and it will be hellish.
I'd go the text route.

BabooshkaKate · 07/11/2016 16:44

Good luck! Arrange to see a friend after or have someone there whilst you do it so he can't pull the "let me just come round to TALK about it".

Original poster
J0kersSmile · 07/11/2016 16:48

He can't pull the come round and talk card as we live about 40 minutes away and if I text he'll only ring me and want to talk about it then. I'm just going to say it's not working for me anymore as I really don't like that you don't trust me and I can't cope with jealousy, good luck fishing and all that.

OP posts:
CocoaX · 07/11/2016 17:02

But you don't have to pick up the phone if he rings you. You can just say you don't want to discuss it, if that is the case.

You are basically giving him a hook back in - of course he trusts you, you have misunderstood him, he just wants things to work out, so then you have to work harder at saying no.

Alternatively he may just say okay, thanks for letting me know.

AnyFucker · 07/11/2016 17:10

Don't get dragged into any further conversation with him

"This is not working for me. You need to seek help with your insecurity"

Do not listen to any promises to change, any requests to stick with him while he seeks help or attempts to deny there is a problem if you would just understand how wonderful he thinks you are (I am sure you are wonderful, btw)

This is not cruelty, it is self preservation

Imagine having a child with man like this who needs constant confirmation he is #1 in your thoughts ?

CocoaX · 07/11/2016 17:18

Well, he will make sure in various ways that everything you do is in reference to his wants and needs, child or no child. And then use the child to still make it All.About.Him.
Always.

BlueFolly · 07/11/2016 17:58

Good decision

corythatwas · 07/11/2016 18:12

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 07-Nov-16 11:51:15

"That's why people date before committing. Thw dating process was successful for you here. Move on."

This.

And don't let's forget that in the days when marriages were until-death-do-us-part, people often had long engagements and/or careful vetting by parents/siblings/relatives. You wouldn't just roll up from nowhere, with nothing known about you, and hope to get married within 2 months. Which is the kind of commitment this bloke seems to expect.

And btw I have been happily married for decades. It really is until death us do part as far as I am concerned. But that kind of commitment takes time to grow; you can't just walk in off the street and demand it at first sight.

scaryclown · 07/11/2016 18:22

I dont often jump in to LTB threads, but this is really problematic.

The 'you are different' is really a 'i know you slept with someone else' in infant form. The type of 'i know' that wont be dissuaded by facts, your honesty, or pleading.

Its VERY controlling. I think stepping away is good. He might mature out of it, and/or learn to 'trust'.but can you wait?

The thing is, that when there is this kind of behaviour anyway, and i can confess to being in some shaky, jealousy-game relationships, is that in relationships where there is real attraction, both of you relax. When its imbalanced this sort of stuff happens.

A friend of mine is going out with a guy who freezes stock still if she says hello to another male..even if a shop assistant or older etc, and when she says hi to a female friend he doesn't know, is similarly odd. I hope she realises quickly this is not how relationships work.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2016 20:43

How did it go?

BabooshkaKate · 07/11/2016 22:02

I hope it went well, OP.

When I broke it off with a clingy boyfriend be would send me torrents of abuse late at night when I was trying to sleep.

Original poster
J0kersSmile · 07/11/2016 22:21

Well I broke it off. He wasn't very happy, he didn't get angry but did say I was everything he was looking for and he was just scared of losing me and actually he is quite confident. I told him I was now put off by it and he said so have you joined back on pof again. I said you've just reaffirmed that I'm right in breaking this off as you don't trust me. He did say about changing but then he back tracked and said if it's gone for you then it's gone.

I think if he hadn't slipped the have you rejoined pof in I might have felt that I was overreacting if I'm honest but that really showed me its way too much what's going on in his head.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 07/11/2016 22:25

Well done . You've freed up space in your life to meet someone better.

Original poster
J0kersSmile · 07/11/2016 22:28

He's just text me saying I am a confident and secure person, he's sorry and really loved what we had and now he's hurting.

I'm just going to block him everywhere now.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 07/11/2016 22:35

Yeah, coz it's your fault that he's hurting so it's your job to fix his hurt feelings .

They are so predictable , I wonder if there's a script online that they all follow.

Next he'll be petulant and say " I'm sure you'll meet someone else soon".

Then he'll be agressive and attacking and say you probably dumped him for another man coz you were were cheating on him.

Sigh

Kr1stina · 07/11/2016 22:38

Or he might go straight to aggressive " you heartless bitch, I bet you are laughing at the pain you have caused me . How dare you do this when I treated you like royalty " .

Maybe we need a bingo card .

Original poster
J0kersSmile · 07/11/2016 22:54

I'm not engaging anymore kr1stina, he basically already said I'd be meeting someone else as he asked me if I was back on the dating website we met on.

I do need to work out why I feel guilty about it though.

OP posts:
pictish · 07/11/2016 23:06

Because you're a nice person that doesn't enjoy hurting people. Guilt is normal. It'll fade.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2016 23:09

Don't feel guilty, you dodged a bullet. Even if he had not said that, his previous behaviour is very worrying. Yiu are not responsible for him. Block him, there's more out there.

Original poster
J0kersSmile · 07/11/2016 23:09

Thanks!

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/11/2016 23:25

Nice handling!

He sounds like an insecure PITA at best.

My friend is married to a man like this: he'd ring her constantly and get arsey if she wasn't constantly available to talk. Exhausting. recognise a PP's description of him expecting her to manage HIS emotions. Grrr.

Unrequitedlove · 07/11/2016 23:37

I was with someone like this once and got dragged back in.. he ended up being abusive..
it's so unattractive how grown men can be so needy..

niceupthedance · 08/11/2016 08:18

Good luck in your search op. And I hope your ex date finds a good therapist.

lw201 · 09/08/2017 15:30

Same here, I wish I'd known about lovebombing before. I only found out after three years when I got out, and thought "what the heck just happened?"

cm38 · 09/08/2017 16:15

Was you in my last relationship..mine only got worse..shame really. I'm insecure a bit but don't need to know I'm in their thoughts 24/7