Insecure men, red flags?

[J0kersSmile]

Slightly gutted to be posting this. I thought I had found a really nice man to get to know but he's really insecure and it's putting me off.

He wants reassurance everytime we speak and text that I like him and miss him. It's bugging me now. I've told him I like him we're dating, we're sleeping together (sex is great) but he really wants more quickly and he's now getting insecure.

I was really attracted to him, really liked that he had a busy life with friends and the gym, we had a spark but I really don't want to have to reassure someone that just because we haven't spoke for a few hours that I'm not off with him.

This is a red flag isn't it? He also told me he gets jealous the last time I saw him. jealousy is normal to an extent I suppose and so is insecurity and I could be over reacting as I have been with a few Dickheads before and he's so nice apart from this. Flowers, meals, thoughtful stuff ect. I really liked him.

Can you help someone over their insecurities? I don't particularly want a project but everything else is great apart from this. He will put me off if it carries on anymore though.

I agree - finish it and tell him why. You don't have to be horrible about it, just factual. He has put too much pressure on and it has switched you off. He might take something from it moving on...but I doubt it.

Bagpuss - anyone can finish things for whatever reason they like. If I was with someone I found annoying and skin crawly, I'd finish it. Two months is long enough to know that someone isn't doing it for you.
She doesn't like him. They are not suited. Back to the drawing board.

Exactly, we have free will, you are not tied to someone with a ball and chain.

Insecure and jealous and it's early days. Run NOW!

He needs a psychiatrist, not a girlfriend!

Run for the hills, take your shoes off and don't look back. I don't mean to be awful but when I first met my ex he was so insecure and jealous, four years later im an absolute mess. Red flags were waving at me from day one.

Bin .

At best hes too much like hard work.

At worst he is a potential abuser and controlling

My relationship started like this and now this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2762054-Want-to-feel-like-a-person

Is what i live with get away while you can x

Can you block him op? I dont think he will gracefully move on without creating a fuss. Men like this will ramp up the manipulation. Be ready for guilt tripping/tears/anger/threats. He sounds like a knob and this is what knobs do..

He sounds horrendous. Get out whilst you can

What AF said, and no don't get into the whole 'finding out where his insecurities come from.

What you have described is the beginning of an abusive relationship.

I agree, op owes him nothing, its not working out so bye bye. She is not his shrink! Its only been 2 months and hes like this, I dread to think how hes like 1 or 2 years down the line. No look after yourself op, and make wise choices.

God yes...the 'find out why he's insecure and try to fix it for him' approach...which soon becomes the 'having to prove you love him' approach...which eventually becomes the 'I'm your emotional punchbag' arrangement.

Fuck no.

When a partner is jealous, I feel punished for something I haven't done.
So then I might just go off and do it, since I'm already being penalized for it...
Never again. It will turn into a horrible mess either way, OP. Run for the hills!

Some one dimensional thinking going on here. The guy sounds like he has low self esteem and probably some reasons behind his insecurity. Of course you don't "owe it to him" to have a conversation about the reasons for it, but if he is an otherwise great guy, why wouldn't you?
I disagree that insecurity is always a sign of an abusive arsehole, my DP suffers from anxiety around abandonment due to childhood trauma; he is in therapy trying to resolve it. He is in no way abusive. I wonder how many people on this thread can say they have a totally clean bill of mental health?

Nice this is putting op off, and making her like him less, and its not only insecurity, he admitted to her he was jealous, not good at all. Any sane person would run for the hills. This is early in their relationship, his behaviour is not making him a great guy. Op has talked to him, and he is still like this, no no no. Op you have done the right thing in not continuing with this.

It is not the insecurity that is the sign of the start of abuse.

It is the way he is making the op responsible for his insecurity after only 2 months of knowing her.

Oh blech...I'm long past the stage whereby I'd have the patience to project manage a relationship. I have fundamental compassion for anyone suffering from low self esteem to the point of disproportionate anxiety because it's horrible but I'm also less inclined to saddle myself with the role of being a leg up. You often end up with a boot in your face.

Two months of dating is long enough to gauge where it's heading. Rather than own his crazy and do something about, he's straight into using it to aggressively apply pressure and manipulation whereby OP feels cornered into saying things she doesn't even mean, just to pacify his ego. The signs are bad. That he's a great guy otherwise doesn't come into it because he's causing shit already...two months in. This is what he is...intense, pushy and totally self absorbed.

No thank you!

This does sound like Love Bombing to me. So you are right to be wary

Here's an article about it. Love bombing.

"I think he likes the idea of me and the idea of a relationship more then me as he doesn't really know me yet but he's pushing for a commitment as he wants to get me so much."

This is always a warning sign to me. Anyone who loves you for what you can potentially represent is dodgy AF.
OP you're absolutely right - pushing for commitment when you don't really know a person well enough to rightly seek one, is a sure sign that he doesn't really care about who you are, but what he thinks your role is.

Best not.

You find yourself playing along already.
He wants you to tell him how much you miss him, when you're not missing him.
He wants you to tell him how much you like him...but you're just home from work and you're tired.
You fail to prioritise him on a busy day, he accuses you of being off with him. Once again you must placate him and re-establish his status in your life as number one.

He doesn't care what's going on with you beyond playing your role and serving his needs.

So no...it's not that he's insecure. It's that he's consuming you quickly.
Run away!

It started well but within two months you've gone off him, so that's the end of it.

That's why people date before committing. Thw dating process was successful for you here. Move on.

This is controlling behaviour disguised as insecurity. He's deliberately trying to make you feel bad and guilt trip you.

That article on love bombing was really good.

Pictish you summed it up really well with him wanting me to tell him how much he I miss him even though I'm tired and busy. I'm going to ring him later and tell him I don't want to carry on seeing him. I'll update when I've done it.

Good luck with it. x