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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insecure men, red flags?

102 replies

J0kersSmile · 06/11/2016 21:29

Slightly gutted to be posting this. I thought I had found a really nice man to get to know but he's really insecure and it's putting me off.

He wants reassurance everytime we speak and text that I like him and miss him. It's bugging me now. I've told him I like him we're dating, we're sleeping together (sex is great) but he really wants more quickly and he's now getting insecure.

I was really attracted to him, really liked that he had a busy life with friends and the gym, we had a spark but I really don't want to have to reassure someone that just because we haven't spoke for a few hours that I'm not off with him.

This is a red flag isn't it? He also told me he gets jealous the last time I saw him. Sad jealousy is normal to an extent I suppose and so is insecurity and I could be over reacting as I have been with a few Dickheads before and he's so nice apart from this. Flowers, meals, thoughtful stuff ect. I really liked him.

Can you help someone over their insecurities? I don't particularly want a project but everything else is great apart from this. He will put me off if it carries on anymore though.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/11/2016 22:14

Stop questioning yourself

You sound completely normal ....he sounds like a needy prick

Don't "sit him down and talk to him"....that assumes you are somehow responsible for finding out what makes him tick

Fuck that. All you need to know at this point is that this is not working for you

You owe him nothing at all

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/11/2016 22:14

Hang on, he said he'll stop but he really likes me and can't believe I like him as much. What a daft thing to say. People don't like each other exactly the same amount, although I'm not sure what the internationally agreed unit of measurement would be for that, so what would be wrong with you not liking him exactly the same amount?

Stop giving any reassurances. Maybe say let's not talk about feelings, let's just have fun together and see where it goes. If he gets moody about that then you can be sure you are correct to dump him.

pictish · 06/11/2016 22:15

Spot on turnip.

AnyFucker · 06/11/2016 22:15

Yep, turnip has it

TurnipCake · 06/11/2016 22:17

I speak from experience. Breaking up with my ex resulted in a night of 40something texts and phone-calls, including a threat to kill himself. I had my phone on silent and didn't hear anything.

If you can, OP, block this guy from your phone and social media.

Bagpuss1971 · 06/11/2016 22:18

The answer for everything on these threads by the same people are just "dump him". It's crazy you can even judge on such a short description of what's happened. Jokers, if you like this guy, then have a proper conversation with him and see what the issue is. It's probably an early infatuation thing and maybe when you don't speak to him as arranged, he may well think you are with someone else - who know. Ask him. Don't listen to some of the bitter people on here though who encourage dumping and ending marriages at the drop of a hat. Shocking.

Myusernameismyusername · 06/11/2016 22:20

She's not married to him
I did initially think talking to him might help but then saw she already talked to him and he's doing it more

AnyFucker · 06/11/2016 22:20

Handmaiden ^^

Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2016 22:23

bagpuss they have only just started dating, he is behaving like this. Can't you see the big red flags. Op is not responsible for his feelings and this is starting to unnerve her! Have you read turnips post!

TurnipCake · 06/11/2016 22:23

I'd love to say I'm bitter but I'm in a long-term relationship with a wonderful man. If I took your Stepford advice of being this guy's wet nurse/Sigmund Freud, I'd still be with some of the abusive arseholes I wasted so much time on.

Myusernameismyusername · 06/11/2016 22:23

I am seeing a bloke and I think he likes me but as neither of us are having obsessive thoughts about one another and being a clingy fucker maybe he just doesn't like me enough of an 'early infatuation' stage. I should dump him

NotDavidTennant · 06/11/2016 22:24

when you don't speak to him as arranged, he may well think you are with someone else

No decent person would immediately jump to that conclusion. If that's what he's thinking it would definitely be a red flag.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2016 22:26

It is wise advice for op to dump, he has already told her himself he is insecure and jealous. Sorry these are not good traits of a partner, any wise person would run for the hills.

AnyFucker · 06/11/2016 22:26

what's your point, myuser ?

Myusernameismyusername · 06/11/2016 22:27

It was to Bagpuss saying this was normal in early infatuation stage

Bagpuss1971 · 06/11/2016 22:27

Maybe, but some of the advice on these threads.. Are usually "divorce the fucker"! Seem a bit harsh at times is all.

AnyFucker · 06/11/2016 22:29

she isn't married to him, bagpuss

have you stumbled on to the wrong thread ?

why do you think she owes him a relationship ?

she doesn't owe him tuppence

AnyFucker · 06/11/2016 22:29

gotcha, myuser

Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2016 22:30

Bagpuss yes divorce if op is being abused. Your views belong in the 1930s where women had to put up and shut up! Very dangerous advice, sorry it is Bagpuss. Women now, know tgat they don't have to put up with abuse and being treated badly. With abusers, you cannot just sit down and talk!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2016 22:31

This guy's behaviour sounds very worrying, with the potential to be abusive. Op would be extremly wise to call it off!

Original poster
J0kersSmile · 06/11/2016 22:35

I did talk to him about it tonight, i can't say it's carried on yet as it was only a couple of hours ago.

I think AF has put my lack of wanting a project to fix in good words. I don't owe him anything and I'm not responsible for his emotions.

I also think that was really weird runrabbit about him really wanting me to like him the same as he likes me. How would you even know that!

Bagpus I thought that with the infatuation thing but it's getting more and more.I think he likes the idea of me and the idea of a relationship more then me as he doesn't really know me yet but he's pushing for a commitment as he wants to get me so much. I'm attracted to confidence and that his has disintegrated is really putting me off. We've only known each other since September ffs it should be all happy and flowers right now not annoyance that he's text me again. It's not even that I'm unavailable to him when arranged its because he wants validation and reassurance that I like him that's annoying me. I thought at first it was sweet but I really don't want someone mood and happiness rest on whether I answer the phone or not text back. Its made me not like him anymore unfortunately.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/11/2016 22:39

Juts bin him, love

This is a non starter

You've known him since September and already all this pressure ?

Bin him and tell him why....too much pressure, far too soon

Maybe, if he is a half way decent bloke underneath the teenage angst, he will learn a lesson for next time

Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2016 22:41

Op dump him, you known him for 2 months and are getting this! It shoukd nit be like that, it's good that he's showing yiu now, nit a year or 2 down the line when your well and truly hooked in.

Original poster
J0kersSmile · 06/11/2016 22:41

I am AF

Thanks for the advice posters Flowers I really was questioning myself if I was the abnormal one.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 06/11/2016 22:43

The fact your questioning yourself is concerning. This should not be happening.

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