What do you think about this day-in-the-life relationship?

[fuckmyfuckinghusband]

I have 2 DC under 2.

Up three times in night breastfeeding baby. H sleeps through.

Toddler cries at 7am, I get up, change her, give her milk, take her downstairs. I ask her to wait while I go back upstairs to get newborn. She follows me back upstairs. H sleeps.

Take newborn downstairs trying to navigate toddler down steep stairs behind me. Make breakfast for toddler. BF baby. Toddler starts throwing food and saying she doesn't want it.

H comes down at 11am, showered and dressed and questions why there is food on the floor. I explain toddler did it. He tells me we need to set a plan in place to discipline her better about food and I must think about what to do to stop the mess happening.

H makes himself coffee and settles down opposite me, still BF-ing, while toddler cries around me because I am not giving her attention. He puts football on his phone.

I burp baby and put him down, clear up the dropped food. then pick up toddler and take her outside in the garden. We play a few games. H comes out and asks if I'd like some of what he's having for breakfast. I say yes.

Baby starts crying while H is making breakfast. H shouts out into garden and tells me to deal with it. I try and persuade toddler to come in but she doesn't want to and starts crying.

I go and get baby while toddler cries outside, with the intention of taking him out, but realise I have to wrap him up because it's cold. Take him upstairs to get blanket. Toddler comes in and follows me.

While wrapping up baby, toddler takes all the clean nappies and spreads them over the floor. Put baby down, try and get toddler to play tidying up game. Toddler takes a pile of nappies downstairs and dumps them at bottom of stairs. H complains that I have let her make a mess AGAIN.

H puts breakfast on table. I hold baby while I eat with one hand. Toddler cries and holds on to my knee. H texts while eating breakfast.

I kiss toddler on head. H looks up and says "you never give me any affection like that." I am so tired I don't know what to say.

I wash up breakfast and baby is crying. Toddler goes into fridge and pulls out bottles and packets. H comes into kitchen, complains that baby is crying, and makes a case that I have "allowed" toddler to "totally mess up the house within 2 hours of us waking up."

H grabs packets and bottles from toddler's hands and shoves them back in fridge and slams the door. Toddler cries and clings on to my leg. I can't finish the washing up.

In dining room, H is setting up his computer on the table (he works from home) and he tells me I must stop toddler from touching it. Baby cries again, wants to be in a different position, so I pick baby up and settle him.

Go upstairs to finally get dressed (yes was in the garden in nightie and jumper.) Toddler follows. I clear up nappies, have a wee and a shower while toddler watches and throws things into the bath shouting random words and pointing out my body parts.

Baby cries, needs changing. H is pacing in dining room saying he cannot do this anymore (unclear what, but presumably just the chaos of mess and noise.) I ask what I can do to help. H lists impossible things like "stop toddler touching anything," and "don't let baby cry." And "be more organised."

Toddler is hungry from refusing breakfast. We need food for lunch, someone's got to get it. H refuses point blank to be left with either child. I give him the option of either going by himself to get food, or me going with both DC. He chooses the latter. Takes me a while to put toddler and baby into car, drive, toddler in trolley, baby in sling, go round Sainsbury's, buy food, back in car.

Toddler is starving now, so give her a cracker while waiting for food. H complains that I feed her junk. I offer to make lunch, but H does not want to deal with DCs, so I look after them while he makes lunch. H asks toddler for a hug. Toddler says no and runs to me. H becomes morose. I suggest that he is a bit gentler with her and then maybe she will want to cuddle. He tells me I have spoilt her and he is the only one who disciplines / is the bad cop and that is why she won't cuddle him.

We sit down to lunch and H accuses me of "never cooking him a hot meal." I say I am always dealing with the children. He says "you don't love me anymore." My brain is too fried from hormones and tiredness to work out what I want to say or fight back or anything.

And on and on and on...

Is this typical of a marriage with very young DC? My H is the one who earns, so certain behaviours and work stress are understandable... but is it really like this?

Oh yes, and as to people throwing around the word martyr, this totally gives me the rage.

When I was married to exh people would say "why don't you just tell him it's not okay?" Yes, why did I not think of that?! (Rolling eyes). People married to people for whom having bad behaviour explained actually fixes anything Do Not Have A Clue.

I honestly don't think changing the way he works at home would solve it.

My dh worked at home when our dc were a newborn and a toddler. He did indeed see his working day as his working day, and as a SAHM at the time I did all the looking after of the dc, which included managing a toddler whilst BF a newborn. There were definitely things he did that made it harder having him at home than they'd have been if he'd commuted away every day. But they were small and irritating things. Thoughtless stuff like letting the toddler into his office, sitting her on his knee and letting her play with the computer, then leaving me to deal with her howling and banging on the door when he shut himself away again to work. He would never have dreamed of criticising what I did with the dds, or the state of the house. He practically kissed my feet if I managed to make him a cup of tea. He made lunch for us every day. Oh, and he started work at nine every morning.

It isn't the working at home in this case. It's the attitude and quite possibly the personality of the man who's doing it.

When people say 'martyr' I remember the occasions I've experienced when you keep trying to appease a grumpy, sulky person in the hope they will somehow snap out of it and stop moaning and criticising.

But of course it doesn't work.

I'm dubious about lengthy chats / counselling, too.

It's not like he doesn't know OP has an issue with his lack of contribution to parenting and doing all the sh*twork.

He knows.

I have to say I hate the word 'enabling'. IME people are just trying to do the right thing and in a normal relationship it would be reciprocated. But in a take take relationship with an unkind person, your kindness is just sucked in and you end up giving more. I don't think this is 'enabling', it is just natural behaviour trying to make your partner happy. It is, however, completely useless because you can't make someone who wants the moon on a stick happy. It is impossible. Infact, it's like a negative feedback loop. He gets stroppy, you appease and give, he then asks for even more, you give even more, he asks for even more, you give even more....and so on. It escalates and gets out of control. A normal, functional relationship has both partners bending to the other and giving and taking equally

This. I hate all the victims blaming on this thread .

It's impossible to love someone who is treating you this badly, day in day out. Who won't listen when you try to talk about it .

OP It will get better when your oldest starts nursery and when they are both at school. But by the you will really really despise your husband for how he has treated you over the years .

And once you go back to work you will have to do everything you do now AND paid work .

My first ltb after 7 years on mn
I wouldn't love him anymore if I were the op

He's an absolute piss taking dick head. I'm suprised you've not had a nervous breakdown you poor thing.

Was he like this when you only had one child OP? Do you have a support network or parents nearby where you could take the children and get a break?

Saddest thing I've read for some years.

OP, you are not married to a nice man. He will not suddenly start loving you or the children if you all do what he wants, either.

You could be married to a nice man, but you'll to leave this one first. When you're not so tired - you must be shattered and demoralised.

Sadly, my life was just like yours, whenthe kids were the same age (19 month age gap). I literally begged Exh to do a night feed. He refused. I was on my fucking knees tbh. In the end I binned him off (for cheating).

Kids are grown now and me and my lovely second DH are only 44/46, so daily life is so easy. Work during day. Dinner then Prosecco in the hot tub at night/or a movie.

It will get better. You have to sit him down and spell it out. I didn't do that. I have no fucking clue why? Young/niave??

The only thing you need to tell him is to pack his bags and F off! I'm sorry, but if you've actually got to sit a grown man down, and tell him you need help with a newborn and a toddler, what does that say?! He doesn't need counselling, just a stiff kick up the arse..

He's a selfish twat, personally I'd get rid, but it's not that easy is it OP?!

Hate men like this

I wrote a long reply and junked it because really all that needs to be said is that he's a monumental arse. Being there for you means helping through the medium of actual helping, not by assessing your performance. He's a father not a twatting household management consultant.

I'll be brief.

Your toddler sounds scared of h.

Children are very good at seeing through people, h gives off unpleasant vibes and toddler picks up on this.

H needs to work in a different room or go out to work.

He is incredibly disrespectful towards you.
He has no idea at all about coping with babies/toddlers.

What exactly do you get from being with him?

Would you be better apart?

People do not change unless they want to.

Some people are entitled takers, your h is one of them.

If you are a giving, loving person you need to be with someone like minded. Otherwise be single.

Look after yourself, having 2 dcs inder 2 is draining.
Don't fall pregnant again any time soon, it will get worse.

SO he watches you take care of his kids without lifting a finger to help even though he can see you struggling and his only offering is to criticise everything you do.

It's a LTB from me.

Sorry I couldn't read your post to the end as I was getting so angry.
He's a selfish useless shit. He's walking all over you. STOP baby crying? STOP toddler being naughty? What an arse.
i can see why you're unhappy. I don't know what advice to give but splitting would be on the cards.

LTB - did he even want children?

He is a dock I have a 7 month old and 3 year old much plays and interacts with the DC whilst I cook. He alsounderstands we have a demanding baby and it's hard some days to get things done. We are a team often divide and conquering your DH is treating you badly

Where has op gone ?

Im upset reading your post and upset at some of the replies. how anyone could think it okay to watch your partner struggle, your children cry all whilst only poking your nose in to criticize is beyond me. my husband was so, so bad like this with our first - he was like a totally different person I truly wondered if we would make it. I resolved to not make major decisions about our future until the dust settled, but I will never forget how angry and sad and hurt I felt. One day he acknowledged what an ass he was being and resolved to try harder...and he did. scroll forward 2 yrs to when we had our second - he was an equal partner not a petulant child.

what was your DH like before second baby OP? How did he manage 1st baby? Is this a new face your seeing or is this the same man you married?

Oh OP, I had to stop reading and then come back to the thread, I was so angry for you. I am actually in tears after reading it; I cannot imagine what it must be like for you. I've lurked on mumsnet for years and this is one of the most depressing OPs I've read in a while. Very sad.

He is being a bully. OP, you are being bullied by your DH. Honestly, if you have spoken to him about it and he sees nothing wrong, where do you go from here? Is this something you are prepared to continue with?

I could go through your post and dissect all the ways and reasons why your DH is being an absolute cunt, but I think you know otherwise you wouldn't be posting. I won't tell you what you should do either, as I'm sure reading back through that post and your update you know. You can only change this dynamic if both of you want to and take it seriously. Trust how you feel. Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, I really hope it works out.

Some of these replies are ridiculous, sorry. Yes OP would have had to make lunch, however wouldn't have to expend emotional energy dealing with his bullying. I also do not get a sense of OP reveling in misery or of being a martyr. What I do see is a very tired, very sad woman who is being ground down by the person who is supposed to love her most and protect her, and in response she is trying desperately to appease him. Also to the poster who said they had sympathy for DH because he refused to look after the DC whilst the OP had a shower. I am totally gobsmacked. If this was a fair partnership, as it should be, both would be getting up at around the same time (obviously allowing for late working nights and night feeds) and sharing child care duties in the morning before he starts work. That morning time, if they were both working to raise their children together, would give them both enough time to shower. Working from home does not give him a free pass to stay in bed until almost the afternoon and do fuck all for his children in the morning. There are so so so many things wrong in just that short snapshot honestly I can't go through them all as even thinking about it is causing me emotional distress; I cannot imagine what it must be like to live through it.

Sounds like my marriage shortly before I LTB. All that shit you listed - the mess, the crying toddler, crying baby etc - is all so much easier to deal with minus the arsehole grown man.

Crazee, I think you are spot on there