What do you think about this day-in-the-life relationship?

[fuckmyfuckinghusband]

I have 2 DC under 2.

Up three times in night breastfeeding baby. H sleeps through.

Toddler cries at 7am, I get up, change her, give her milk, take her downstairs. I ask her to wait while I go back upstairs to get newborn. She follows me back upstairs. H sleeps.

Take newborn downstairs trying to navigate toddler down steep stairs behind me. Make breakfast for toddler. BF baby. Toddler starts throwing food and saying she doesn't want it.

H comes down at 11am, showered and dressed and questions why there is food on the floor. I explain toddler did it. He tells me we need to set a plan in place to discipline her better about food and I must think about what to do to stop the mess happening.

H makes himself coffee and settles down opposite me, still BF-ing, while toddler cries around me because I am not giving her attention. He puts football on his phone.

I burp baby and put him down, clear up the dropped food. then pick up toddler and take her outside in the garden. We play a few games. H comes out and asks if I'd like some of what he's having for breakfast. I say yes.

Baby starts crying while H is making breakfast. H shouts out into garden and tells me to deal with it. I try and persuade toddler to come in but she doesn't want to and starts crying.

I go and get baby while toddler cries outside, with the intention of taking him out, but realise I have to wrap him up because it's cold. Take him upstairs to get blanket. Toddler comes in and follows me.

While wrapping up baby, toddler takes all the clean nappies and spreads them over the floor. Put baby down, try and get toddler to play tidying up game. Toddler takes a pile of nappies downstairs and dumps them at bottom of stairs. H complains that I have let her make a mess AGAIN.

H puts breakfast on table. I hold baby while I eat with one hand. Toddler cries and holds on to my knee. H texts while eating breakfast.

I kiss toddler on head. H looks up and says "you never give me any affection like that." I am so tired I don't know what to say.

I wash up breakfast and baby is crying. Toddler goes into fridge and pulls out bottles and packets. H comes into kitchen, complains that baby is crying, and makes a case that I have "allowed" toddler to "totally mess up the house within 2 hours of us waking up."

H grabs packets and bottles from toddler's hands and shoves them back in fridge and slams the door. Toddler cries and clings on to my leg. I can't finish the washing up.

In dining room, H is setting up his computer on the table (he works from home) and he tells me I must stop toddler from touching it. Baby cries again, wants to be in a different position, so I pick baby up and settle him.

Go upstairs to finally get dressed (yes was in the garden in nightie and jumper.) Toddler follows. I clear up nappies, have a wee and a shower while toddler watches and throws things into the bath shouting random words and pointing out my body parts.

Baby cries, needs changing. H is pacing in dining room saying he cannot do this anymore (unclear what, but presumably just the chaos of mess and noise.) I ask what I can do to help. H lists impossible things like "stop toddler touching anything," and "don't let baby cry." And "be more organised."

Toddler is hungry from refusing breakfast. We need food for lunch, someone's got to get it. H refuses point blank to be left with either child. I give him the option of either going by himself to get food, or me going with both DC. He chooses the latter. Takes me a while to put toddler and baby into car, drive, toddler in trolley, baby in sling, go round Sainsbury's, buy food, back in car.

Toddler is starving now, so give her a cracker while waiting for food. H complains that I feed her junk. I offer to make lunch, but H does not want to deal with DCs, so I look after them while he makes lunch. H asks toddler for a hug. Toddler says no and runs to me. H becomes morose. I suggest that he is a bit gentler with her and then maybe she will want to cuddle. He tells me I have spoilt her and he is the only one who disciplines / is the bad cop and that is why she won't cuddle him.

We sit down to lunch and H accuses me of "never cooking him a hot meal." I say I am always dealing with the children. He says "you don't love me anymore." My brain is too fried from hormones and tiredness to work out what I want to say or fight back or anything.

And on and on and on...

Is this typical of a marriage with very young DC? My H is the one who earns, so certain behaviours and work stress are understandable... but is it really like this?

I have to say I hate the word 'enabling'. IME people are just trying to do the right thing and in a normal relationship it would be reciprocated. But in a take take relationship with an unkind person, your kindness is just sucked in and you end up giving more. I don't think this is 'enabling', it is just natural behaviour trying to make your partner happy.

It is, however, completely useless because you can't make someone who wants the moon on a stick happy. It is impossible. Infact, it's like a negative feedback loop. He gets stroppy, you appease and give, he then asks for even more, you give even more, he asks for even more, you give even more....and so on. It escalates and gets out of control.

A normal, functional relationship has both partners bending to the other and giving and taking equally. So if one parent is tired, the other takes the night shift. When one has the baby, the other plays with the toddler.

so basically your OH, whom I assume says he loves you, does nothing to help or show you he actually does love you?
and you're with him why?

Youre effectively a single mum with a spectator.
Tell him, and mean it, he either helps or leaves and you'll find someone who will help.

I'd try and get someone to have DC for a couple of hours whilst you spell out what needs to happen in no uncertain terms....

I think showing him the thread would be of zero use

Then you are neglecting to consider how a negative reaction by her DH will help her in the process of ordering and clarifying her own thoughts, resolve and boundaries.

My expectation isn't necessarily that the DH will magically change his ways

Thank you for all replies.

We have had so many conversations about this but they just go one way: he insists he is not the problem and that I could make life better for myself by being more organised.

He is certain that he does "more than half" with the working and the cooking and the advice-giving about mess.

If, when I point out he is on his phone and I have the two kids crying, he will say "it's just X" i.e. some exception like his team winning or a news report relevant to his work.

He actually gets quite angry when we talk about it or I give him a running commentary of what he's doing and he says that he should be at work but because he wants to be in his children's lives he works from home. As if it is some great gift he is bestowing.

Sometimes I just tell him to go the fuck back to work.

I do get angry, that's why we don't get on anymore. that''s why he perceives me as unaffectionate. Because I am. I don't even want to touch him.

I'm not surprised, he sounds like a twat

I honestly don't know how you carry on OP I'd be so depressed if that was my day,day in day out!

Your Husband is being an Arseof monumental proportions and I'm sure he knows it.

No what your putting up with is far from normal OP!

We have 5DC and my DH isn't the Father to all of our DC but no one would know that.They all call him Dad and he's earned the title.

When I was up all night breastfeeding my DH would wake up each time and a soon as I'd finished feeding our DD he'd wind our baby and change her and put her back to bed.That way I'd manage about an extra 20-30 minutes sleep each time she fed and with a newborn who was waking all through the night and feeding that was a huge help to me.

My DH was working shifts as an armed Police Officer in a special force,his job is very stressful but he's always gone out of his way to pull his weight with our 5DC and the house and the pets.

In your scenario(but with who was in our house) my DH would have got up with the DC,took them downstairs(if I'd just fed the baby)he'd let the Dogs out,then he'd have changed any nappies,stuck the kettle on,put the tv on for the older one's,made the breakfast,sat with the DC whilst they eat,sorted the Dogs bowls,stuck the washing machine on.

Then he'd get the older one's to brush they're teeth and get washed and dressed whilst he saw to our 2 youngest(getting them washed and dressed)then he'd bring me up a cup of coffee,whilst he was doing that he'd have told the 3 oldest to put they're shoes and coats on and grab they're bags,then he'd bring me up the baby,our 4older DC would all come up for a kiss and a cuddle before they went to school whilst my DH helped our second youngest get her shoes and coat on.

He'd take them to school whilst I snuggled up in bed with our newborn drank my coffee and breastfed her.

Then when he got back he'd make us both a nice breakfast,stick some more laundry on and then he'd come up and we'd have our breakfast in bed together.

My DH knew the days where he was working days(12 hour shifts earlys and lates)that I'd be on my own in the morning with all 5DC so days he could help he always did as much as he could.

Your Husband needs to completely change the way he behaves at home,they're your DC you made them together so you should be raising them together and as for him moaning about the toddler not wanting him what does he expect I would imagine your toddler see's Daddy as someone who moans alot and watches TV,of course your toddler will want you your the one who's doing all the careing.

Good god OP. I feel utterly deflated and depressed reading that. I can't even imagine how you are feeling.

I've got 2 young kids - bit older than yours, 16 months and nearly 4. It is bloody hard and relentless.

He's a lazy fucker. Honestly, I'd be questioning the relationship.

Take the advice you have been given on board or leave him. Remember he will have access rights to the children and he will have to care for them at times without you.
Get out of the house for a few hours. It will do you the world of good and it will force him to cope. Then you can talk about things properly.
With respect, single mothers have to cope alone as you will have to if you leave him.
Stop being angry and bitter and be proactive. Moaning at him isn't working. He just feels wrong footed. Take control and leave him to it or things cannot improve.

Also in our house, if we are both there then we divide and conquer and deal with one child each. We also work as a team - for getting up/breakfast/lunch/etc.

In all our parenting time I think I can count on one hand the lie ins we have had. And that is both of us, because we get up together and look after the children together. The only time one of us sleeps in is because they are ill!!

OP you're clearly unhappy. The problem here is that he doesn't seen to care that you're unhappy. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't care about your happiness?

I've been with a partner who just doesn't seem to get it, believe me, he's never going to listen. He's got everything the way he wants it, so why would he want to change?

What do you want to do?

Does he have the DC when you escape at weekends or when he's not working? I'd be just walking out for a few hours and not giving him the choice.

He gets angry and he is not being there for his children,he's working from home because he's a lazy arse that wants to spend half the day in bed and most of the rest watching the tv or messing with his phone.

That is not working from home,that is the opposite of working!
He must know he wouldn't get away with his crap if he went into work?

Take the dc and go stay with your family for ten days
Leave him to work and stew
See how you feel after a week free of criticism .

But he can't work from home with 2 small dc focus on suggesting he goes to library or an office to work

Any criticism jyst smile and say ok blandly.

Look into how it would work if you divorced finances housing get informed.
See a counsellor on ypur own

Ps my exp thrived on that kind of criticism calling me to task over minor detail...some of why is ex

He should go back to work.
I'm afraid I'd have answered the "you don't love me any more" whining with something like "you're hardly being very lovable".

Blimey OP, I was nearly in tears reading that. Your patient and his utter, utter complete prattishness.

He needs to sort himself out, or else kick him out. I never say LTB on here, but he is making a stressful time so much worse.

What can you do quickly?
Well I agree, if you work form home, shut yourself in another room, and get on with it. If you can't because of space/kids, go to starbucks and work form there. He needs to get out from under your feet during the day when he is 'working'

But that isn't the issue is it? My dh works from home. But we do morning routine and after work routines together. If toddler had made a mess and I was BF he would have just cleared it upwithout thinking about it. If I was BF and he wasn't working, he took over whatever the toddler needed, because I was busy!

your patience that should say.

Since kids were tiny we have always taken it in turns to have a lie-in at the weekends. Initially because I was BF I was doing it all. I explained to dh that even though I had to feed ds,at 7 am, if he got up, got him, gave him to me, made me a cup of tea, and then when he was finished took him away and shut the bedroom door, so that I coudl sleep, read, chill for an hour, that was what I wanted, not necessarily sleep (can't usually go back to sleep) but just child free space = my 'lie-in'

dh got it straight away, and from then on, we took turns. Weekdays though, we were both up and doing.

💐 if I was you I'd book a spa day or night away & morning away, (maybe friends or parents if money's tight) don't tell tell him & leave him to it, with a note listing where the expressed milk lives & any basics but explain you are not available. See how he likes it when you swan back in all relaxed wondering where dinner is & commenting on the mess!

As he doesn't appreciate you or your efforts, it sounds like you are sinking before his very eyes and all he can do is point out the holes in the ship, rather than work with you to mend them.

You & the kids are his family, yes he is out providing (great) but that is what a husband is supposed to do, he acts like he is doing you all some sort of favour, & like he is above you hun.

Maybe purchase an express machine or think about how long you want to bf newborn for your own sanity, as you have a lot to deal with.

Peace & hugs you need a break 💐💐💐

I think passive aggressive behaviour from mothers excludes fathers from having the chance to parent

Bullshit. The father could be proactive about it, initiate a conversation about the behaviour and suggest ways of changing the setup. Like an adult.

Rolling eyes martyr like and saying 'I try' or similar to people outside the marriage is just as shitty and unhealthy. But worse because you're being shitty and also not doing any of the actual work. It's almost as if some men subtly engineer such situations so they can A) do sod all but also B) get everyone else feeling sorry for them.

I read your whole post like this:

Your husband is a complete arse. One of the laziest wankers I've ever read about on here.

What does he add to your life? Big fat FA, I think.

Is it worth showing him your OP, or has it gone past that? I'd seriously be thinking about LTB. The laziness, the criticism, the complete lack of engagement with your dc, working in the dining room and telling off the dc for playing with the computer lead - what a nob.

In the short term, if he is actually working at home (which is for his benefit, not the dc's - he's not benefiting them at all), get him to fuck off to his own office out of the family space. It's too confusing for dc to have a parent there, but not there.

And you also need to get a bit bolshy and start telling him when he's being lazy and splitting the chores down the middle.

Also, do internet shopping. So much nicer than trailing round the shops with dc.

You will never get anywhere with him particularly as he thinks he is not the problem.

Why are you with this man at all, what is in this relationship for you?.

Is this also what you want to teach your children about relationships, to show them that this awful example of a relationship is their norm too?.

And I wouldn't leave my dc with him, as some posters have suggested. He's nolt a good enough parent. He doesn't care enough about them. He'd neglect them, complain about them and ignore them and sit on his phone all the time.

You could go and stay with family though for a few days and see how you feel after you've been away from him and his nagging/criticising for a few days. Bet you will feel a whole lot better.

Has he always been this spectacularly useless and uncaring?