What do you think about this day-in-the-life relationship?

[fuckmyfuckinghusband]

I have 2 DC under 2.

Up three times in night breastfeeding baby. H sleeps through.

Toddler cries at 7am, I get up, change her, give her milk, take her downstairs. I ask her to wait while I go back upstairs to get newborn. She follows me back upstairs. H sleeps.

Take newborn downstairs trying to navigate toddler down steep stairs behind me. Make breakfast for toddler. BF baby. Toddler starts throwing food and saying she doesn't want it.

H comes down at 11am, showered and dressed and questions why there is food on the floor. I explain toddler did it. He tells me we need to set a plan in place to discipline her better about food and I must think about what to do to stop the mess happening.

H makes himself coffee and settles down opposite me, still BF-ing, while toddler cries around me because I am not giving her attention. He puts football on his phone.

I burp baby and put him down, clear up the dropped food. then pick up toddler and take her outside in the garden. We play a few games. H comes out and asks if I'd like some of what he's having for breakfast. I say yes.

Baby starts crying while H is making breakfast. H shouts out into garden and tells me to deal with it. I try and persuade toddler to come in but she doesn't want to and starts crying.

I go and get baby while toddler cries outside, with the intention of taking him out, but realise I have to wrap him up because it's cold. Take him upstairs to get blanket. Toddler comes in and follows me.

While wrapping up baby, toddler takes all the clean nappies and spreads them over the floor. Put baby down, try and get toddler to play tidying up game. Toddler takes a pile of nappies downstairs and dumps them at bottom of stairs. H complains that I have let her make a mess AGAIN.

H puts breakfast on table. I hold baby while I eat with one hand. Toddler cries and holds on to my knee. H texts while eating breakfast.

I kiss toddler on head. H looks up and says "you never give me any affection like that." I am so tired I don't know what to say.

I wash up breakfast and baby is crying. Toddler goes into fridge and pulls out bottles and packets. H comes into kitchen, complains that baby is crying, and makes a case that I have "allowed" toddler to "totally mess up the house within 2 hours of us waking up."

H grabs packets and bottles from toddler's hands and shoves them back in fridge and slams the door. Toddler cries and clings on to my leg. I can't finish the washing up.

In dining room, H is setting up his computer on the table (he works from home) and he tells me I must stop toddler from touching it. Baby cries again, wants to be in a different position, so I pick baby up and settle him.

Go upstairs to finally get dressed (yes was in the garden in nightie and jumper.) Toddler follows. I clear up nappies, have a wee and a shower while toddler watches and throws things into the bath shouting random words and pointing out my body parts.

Baby cries, needs changing. H is pacing in dining room saying he cannot do this anymore (unclear what, but presumably just the chaos of mess and noise.) I ask what I can do to help. H lists impossible things like "stop toddler touching anything," and "don't let baby cry." And "be more organised."

Toddler is hungry from refusing breakfast. We need food for lunch, someone's got to get it. H refuses point blank to be left with either child. I give him the option of either going by himself to get food, or me going with both DC. He chooses the latter. Takes me a while to put toddler and baby into car, drive, toddler in trolley, baby in sling, go round Sainsbury's, buy food, back in car.

Toddler is starving now, so give her a cracker while waiting for food. H complains that I feed her junk. I offer to make lunch, but H does not want to deal with DCs, so I look after them while he makes lunch. H asks toddler for a hug. Toddler says no and runs to me. H becomes morose. I suggest that he is a bit gentler with her and then maybe she will want to cuddle. He tells me I have spoilt her and he is the only one who disciplines / is the bad cop and that is why she won't cuddle him.

We sit down to lunch and H accuses me of "never cooking him a hot meal." I say I am always dealing with the children. He says "you don't love me anymore." My brain is too fried from hormones and tiredness to work out what I want to say or fight back or anything.

And on and on and on...

Is this typical of a marriage with very young DC? My H is the one who earns, so certain behaviours and work stress are understandable... but is it really like this?

I quite honestly do not know why anyone would tolerate this. You need to tell him how this is making you feel, make it very clear that criticising your parenting whilst refusing to parent himself is unacceptable, insist that he is a parent to your children and explain that it is being a shit husband to let you struggle like this. If he doesn't fix it, tell him to fuck off. Stop being such a walkover!

OP,
Your children sounds like a twat

BUT

Had he not been home working, and at an office then you would have had to do precisely the same amount that you did, but also made your own lunch.

But made her lunch without someone coming and telling her the floor is messy etc.
It s not about doing everything but doing it all and someone criticising or insinuating she is is failing and doing it wrong.
When you do it all yourself your way life is far easier

Yes life as a LP is no bed of roses but it's far more enjoyable than being with a critical lazy tWat who doesn't get up til 11am in a house with two little ones

I completely agree. His presence is horrible.

BUT

The OP is martyrish.

She lists all that she's done, but really it's what all mums of pre schoolers do every day if their other half works outside of the home.

And come on! The way she deals with him. She actually asks the twat what he'd prefer. He go and get the shopping or she take the children and get it. She knows what the answer is going to be and yet she asks so that she can then trudge to the car, thinking how put upon she is.

Harsh words but we all know people like this. They are deeply fed up with their lotnin life, and rightfully so in this case, but they almost wallow and revel in it.

It's not normal.

He's a twat.

Op is not a martyr - yes it may be what sahms do when other partner is at work but there's a big bloody difference - you haven't got a whinging tosser sitting on his arse having a go whilst doing absolutely shit all to help. I imagine it's a damn site easier in your own rather than having essentially three children, one of which cannot keep his nasty mouth shut.

I would tell him to either a) pull his weight when he's at home. Ie get up with at least one child, help tidy up. Yeno things that parents do every day. B) go work elsewhere and be out by 9am like most people if he doesn't want the baby near the laptop C) leave.

I imagine if he left it would be a culture shock because at some point he would have to have both kids on his own which he seems incapable of doing.

Personally op I'd get rid he sounds like a hinderance rather than a help

On the face of it he sounds like a total areshole. What are his hours of work? I'm presuming he does something internationally if he doesn't start until 11 am but will he have to work late in the evening to put in a full day? Either way him working fro home is clearly not working out- he needs to go find somewhere else to work. It seems like a lot of your frustration is having to do everything whilst he is also there, but it would still need doing if he were at work so between you, you need to baby proof and sort out on line shopping.

What a complete and utter wanker! You poor thing, I'm surprised you haven't stabbed him after just one day like that. Has he always been a selfish arse?

The point is not that he could be working a 10 hour day from 11, the point is he could have been up and behaving like a parent for a good 4 hours prior to starting.

I think the fact that he WFH is the least of the issues although if he was out at least the OP would get a bit more head space and less criticism.

My DH leaves for work at 10am.

I do all the night feeds for toddler so he gets up with the kids at 5/6am.

He gets back well after bedtime so he wants to do it both for me to rest and for him to get a chance to be a daily feature in their lives. Can't imagine him staying in bed til 9:30 and then just sorting himself when he did wake up.

Why would you have kids if that's the life you want?

clarry yes I think you're right about typo, he must have got up about 9am.

Hope the day is starting to improve OP.

I got the rage reading your thread. What a fuckin lazy entitled bastard.

What DOES he actually do? Have you tried asking him for help?

Have you got support from family/hv? Perhaps speak to them about your situation drudgery and ask DM to speak to DH? If you carry on like this, you may end up with PND or completely run-down.

Its a LTB from me I;m afraid. And a hug

I think that working from home is part of the problem. If he actually went out to work instead of staying in and criticizing the whole time you might actually find it easier to get things done.

As for saying that he works from home because he wants to be part of his children's lives, maybe you should tell him that just being in the same room isn't enough!! He needs to be engaging with them and supporting and helping you.

I feel furious on your behalf.

I have only read page one...sorry if what I say is irrelevant...but at that stage in a family, when there is a baby in the mix, it is all hands on deck in my opinion. It is really hard work for everyone I know, but the earner and the non-earner both have to muck in. So no-one gets to lie in, no-one gets relaxing showers, no-one gets much quality leisure time at all really. It really is nose to the grindstone time for everyone.

Well, a totally separate issue, but what are the changes of your toddler going to a nursery, OP?

Your OH does not contribute anything to your life, so you will just have to get rid, considering that you have talked to him about the problem until you are blue in the face and he pays no attention. So considering that, you will have to look into finances and teh practicalities of looking after your two children on your own.

And I do think you are a bit martyrish, actually, but that is the defence of the weak, so no horrible criticism of you in that.

Love how some posters seem to think the DH working from home gives him the right to act like a prize twat.

OP, he should pay for an office out of the home. He should not be hanging round micromanaging you. He's expecting you to provide the comfort and tranquility an out-of-home office would give him, whilst you look after two small children. How can he be so out-of-touch with what having DC is like?

It is not your responsibility to give him a quality working environment. It is your responsibility to look after the DC. He is getting in your way. Either he powers through the noise and mess or he goes elsewhere.
(Both DH and I work from home with 1 yr old. Can't expect kids to revolve around work it works the other way.)

"Don't let the baby cry." Pissing myself over here. Not in a good way.

Hes a wanker.

He sounds fucking awful.

I will lend you a spade and give you an alibi
Not normal. Not even remotely

I'd love to know what business he runs that brings in great money and you don't have to get up till 11

He sounds utterly horrendous op. Leaving everything to you sounds bad enough but micromanaging and criticising you all the while is disgusting.

He isn't interested in being in his children's lives. Sounds as though is using working from home as an excuse to get up at 11, spend his working day arsing about on the internet, and find more sticks to beat you with.

If he's genuinely going to work at home, he needs to be out of the way in a room where home life is not going to impact him.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work TBH.

MummyTheTramEngine
Wow, Nice bit of empathy there. Look how lovely my life is compared to you. Yep bet the OP is just feeling loads better.

Listen OP, whether people on here are prepared to admit it or not, lots of households are like your, lots of men like him, very unhelpful, they don't adapt well to family life easily, especially smaller children, they can't relate to, it's very concerning as for the most part women have raised them, maybe society needs to take a look at how we raise our sons because a lot of young men have low tolerance for anyone else but themselves, which doesn't bode well for future family life. Put bluntly if your man had to do it all, he would step up to the mark no problem, but he has you, so doesn't think he has to bother. Ive never met a man yet with low self esteem. What is it you want from him?. Tell him. Be very specific, expecting doesn't get. I've been there. I know.

I don't think OP is being martyrish at all. As I understand her post, she isn't complaining about what she does during the day, it's the fact he husband is there, not even trying to help assist with the situation he clearly finds so irritating but instead making rude and sarcastic comments. I know there have been times when I have asked my husband whether he would prefer x or y, simply to try and keep his moaning and criticism to a minimum. OP's husband sounds like one of those people who likes telling other people what to do but will not do it themselves. Infuriating bastards, in short.

Do you think some sort of marriage counselling might help? If only to help him see the situation from outside his own selfish perspective?

He's mad to think he can work at home undisturbed with two tiny children. He's also a wanker for criticizing the mess. Finally, he's quite frankly a bit thick if he thinks babies & toddlers can be magically stopped crying and making messes.

I had similar useless exh. When Dd was small he'd refuse to engage with her while I cooked dinner & could not comprehend that her literally hanging on my legs while I was frying food or had a huge pot of boiling pasta water on was dangerous for her. I'd take her into the lounge, he'd put on a very, very tiny show of interacting with her, I'd scuttle back in to cook, & next thing I knew she was lying on her back right behind me, furiously sucking her thumb.

I had to put painter's tape on the floor to show her how far she had to stay from the cooker.

He was also once put in charge of both kids in the lounge while I washed the floors (always a lot of whinging over me washing the floors as if I did it for fun & to annoy him). When I came back from my fun, I found exh reading the paper & DS thrilled to have redecorated the lounge walls w a black wax crayon. Exh said I was fussing and refused to paint it so I had to.

You are not alone. It's not normal, but neither is it unheard of. It is atrocious though.

Life did get a lot easier after we divorced.