I've been so strong...major wobble

[whatnextfred]

Long story short. Do had one night stand. 13 years. 3 dc. Life never been so good etc etc. Straw that broke camels back, similar but lesser previous offences. All this approx 3 weeks ago.

I kicked him out instantly. Told everyone. Told dc. He is now in rental house. We're being cordial. It's all been going well and I've been so strong. So strong. Today I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Freezing cold. Exhausted. Dc on half term. Just got McDonald's drive through in trackies for tea. Feel if I start crying I may never stop.

I'm soooooooo sad. My life as was planned is dead. I miss him. We had so much fun. I want to tell him I'm struggling but know I can't. He would be back here in a shot and I won't allow that. I know I'm worth more. I won't cave. But fuck this hurts

Dh not Do

Stay strong. He stuck 2 fingers up at your relationship, they say he decided it was ok to have sex with someone else.
You're worth way more than that & don't forget it

The day. Typos must be catching!

I know. I was doing great. First bad day. Just has hit hard

Thanks for the reply

Oh so sorry Fred, no words of wisdom I'm afraid, but thinking of you.
I know lots of other amazing MNers will be along shortly with brilliant advice.

The shock of betrayal is like a body blow, isn't it?

I think you should treat yourself as though you've had an accident or other massive shock - you will feel awful for a while, I'm afraid, but you will get better.

Thanks. Floored I am. Floored. Can't stop looking at photos. Pointless indulgent behaviour.

OP, this is natural, a blip.

After I chucked twunt out after 20 years of marriage and three kids, I was fine for about a month. I filed for divorce, made all the phone calls about utilities and stuff, told everyone, supported the kids and kept going to work.

Then I was in the middle of town, and I heard a song in a department store and boom! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I made it home, bawled my eyes out, shook like a leaf and just fell apart.

It happens, it's like reality hits. But the next day I was ok again.

All I can say is accept it, ride it out, and tell yourself it will pass. Because indeed it will.

It might happen again, so accept it, ride it out.

It's all part of the process, it's like grieving, the stages randomly come and go, acknowledge them, look after yourself.

The good days will be more frequent, the wobbles less awful

Baby steps, treat yourself as you would your best friend.

I think you need a break from him, whether you end up getting back together again or not. It would be awful to have him back quickly as the chance of him doing it again would be really high. If you do think you want him back in the end, he needs to learn a lesson, otherwise there will always be an imbalance in the relationship.

And he's the one who caused the problem - he can't possibly help you to recover.

I never want him back. There is a deep flaw in him and I have no respect left for him at all. I would rather be alone forever. And I really really mean that

It's ok to grieve what you thought would be, op.
But, do keep hold of a little of that anger you feel to help you through the hard times too.

I think part of the problem is that I didn't get angry or upset. It was like a massive revelation that I could do better and now had adequate reason to walk away from him. So I've not been heartbroken, he did that years ago. I've been good. And then today

You have lost a lot though, haven't you? It's worth mourning. You lost the man you thought he was but wasn't. (Well, you might have known he was a bit of a cheat but hoped he had learned to rein it in.) You lost a relationship that should have been, that seemed to be, comfortable and safe. You had an enjoyable present and a hopeful future snatched away by an idiot who thought a short-term thrill was worth risking his marriage for. You'd be some kind of cold fish if that didn't upset you at least some of the time.

Thanks Annie. Thanks all

You did the right thing. This man could not do the one thing that he promised to: stay faithful to you. He betrayed you. The ultimate betrayal. You deserve far far better. Chin up lass

Awww Fred. You've been so strong, the reaction was bound to hit at some point.

Can you get anyone to help with DC for a night or two? So you can take yourself to bed for a bit and give yourself time to get over the immediate wobble?

You will be ok. This will pass and you'll look back and think 'thank goodness that's over'.

Nothing to add but to wish you well. I remember feeling the same. I still get the odd pang of feeling like that years on, but remind myself that I'd just never have trusted him.

And that just a couple of years later, newly pregnant ow had the pleasure of dealing with one of his indiscretions (and this one really was, the woman involved emailed me and everyone she could think of to tell us what he'd done..) It was all utterly sordid and a relief to be well out of it.

He has just text asking if I'm ok. I am not going to reply. Having a glass of wine catching up on The Missing then early bed. Hoping to feel strong again tomorrow. Thanks alll for the kind words and the hand holding

What next we sound very similar in that there was no real shouting etc I am seven months in and it's bloody hard but there is no way I would ever go back,stay strong talk here, I have found that really helped x

The 3-4 week mark must be some kind of milestone. I am 34 weeks out of my marriage and have also hit a wall. The advice I got from my counsellor is to let it wash over me and ride it out. SHe recommends crying for all you are worth and letting it all go. Don't hold it in or be brave - no one expects you to. Just let it all out.
This is a bereavement. the stages are the same - the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression and finally the acceptance. I was thinking this evening how when my mum died it took a year to get over it. I kept wanting to talk to her but knew I couldn't. With my ex - I am desperate to talk to him but know I shouldn't. But i know it passes because I have already experienced it.
Just go with it and let the stages come and go.

sorry meant 4 weeks out - not 34!

Thanks remember that's helpful to know. Maybe I should try talking to someone

In the meantime talk on here - it helps.

I'm 8 months down line and can honestly say I have be feelings for him at all apart from utter contempt. He had an affair 6yrs ago, I forgave him, I thought 'we' had worked hard to get through it but it turned out he had never changed. I dread to think how many wome he's had but when I found videos and photos of him and a woman in my bed......that was the end. I was in shock, vomiting, crying etc but that all stopped after a few weeks. About 6 weeks in I had a major meltdown but after that onwards and upwards.
He won't change and you've been very courageous to kick him out. I hand on heart promise you it gets easier. Songs, places, news articles, so many things trigger the memories.....but they lessen each time and there is no greater memory of pain than the moment you discovered he'd lied. Be strong, you're doing amazing.