I've been so strong...major wobble

[whatnextfred]

Long story short. Do had one night stand. 13 years. 3 dc. Life never been so good etc etc. Straw that broke camels back, similar but lesser previous offences. All this approx 3 weeks ago.

I kicked him out instantly. Told everyone. Told dc. He is now in rental house. We're being cordial. It's all been going well and I've been so strong. So strong. Today I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Freezing cold. Exhausted. Dc on half term. Just got McDonald's drive through in trackies for tea. Feel if I start crying I may never stop.

I'm soooooooo sad. My life as was planned is dead. I miss him. We had so much fun. I want to tell him I'm struggling but know I can't. He would be back here in a shot and I won't allow that. I know I'm worth more. I won't cave. But fuck this hurts

Hi Fred. Hope you're feeling ok and a little calmer.

I can empathise with how you're feeling. Its been almost 10 months since my OH of 15 years decided he didn't want to be part of our family anymore.
The last few weeks have been especially hard as my baby would have been due around now. He decided a great time to deliver the news would be 7 days after I had a miscarriage.

I have no advice for you, I'm sorry, but I hoped a bit of understanding might help.

I am full of so much bitterness and total sadness. No one really sees it though. I keep it together for work and DS, and just fall apart once he's in bed.

Your thread really resonated with me, hope you don't mind me posting. And I really hope you have a good rest tonight xxx

Thanks for all the support ladies and I'm so sorry there are so many of us having to wade through this sort of shit. I've started reading Feel the fear and do it anyway and am finding it really insightful and helpful

And I've made an appointment to see a counsellor on Friday. Onwards onwards onwards

Sounds good Fred

Seeing a counsellor is a great idea. Mine just reminds me of all the reasons I left my husband. All the awful things I put up with and how far I have come in th elast few weeks. She also reminds me that just working my way through this stuff is important and not to rush it.
It really helps just to cry and talk it out in a safe environment where you are not judged. Friends never know what to say - but a counsellor is trained to know how to just let you feel emotions. it is a scary process, but cathartic.

Fred, how has it been today? Do you feel better?

I have been reading about the benefits of no contact (as best as possible when you have kids).
I have texted him about our daughter and that's it. Not even a hello or goodbye - just the information and nothing more. it does feel empowering. But wonder if he even cares. I know I am not supposed to care what he thinks or what he does - but I guess that is how it goes by the end of the 3 months of no contact.

I have also been reading "do I stay or do I go" . Obviously I already decided to go, but it has helped me to understand why I had to and also it has a section on looking after yourself and your emotions following the split.

Sorry - it is "should I stay or should I go" its a Lundy bancroft book

I'm doing the opposite of no contact. It's fucking hard work. But as a product of parents who hated each other post split I refuse to not be cordial and am trying to still have the odd meal all five of us etc. I have first session with counsellor tomorrow which I am looking forward to in an odd way. I realise now he wanted to leave but hadn't the balls so cheated and told me as he knew I'd then kick him out. Weak sad man. I am better off ( chants so hopefully may believe it )

We tried that approach at first too. The plan was that we would all meet up once a week and play at being nice. Then 4 weeks in he announces he is dating...I figured all bets were off at that point.
For my own sanity and to help me heal faster I am seeing my son on my own and avoiding ex as best I can. At least for now.
He sent me a text today telling me that he still "cares" for me. I told him I would rather he didn't send me kind texts. (because he is not being kind, but is being incredibly selfish and not a good father - didn't tell him that bit obviously).

Do you think you could give yourself a little space from your ex - while still putting on a show of togetherness for the children. Maybe for a couple of weeks use an excuse or two about why you can't come along tot he family get togethers.

Don't be afraid of really opening up to the counsellor - you will get your money's worth if you do. I really hope that it helps you to see things a bit clearer and to feel stronger. But don't be surprised if you feel worse initially. Sometimes letting feelings out can have that effect.

Saying all the ways he has failed me aloud to the counsellor really made me sit up and stop crying. And actually, I didn't even cover most of it

He called round tonight to see the kids and I had the biggest urge to ask him to stay and have a curry as a normal Friday would have been. And to have sex on the couch. And be held. And kiss him. Just to pause this shite reality for an evening. I didn't though. Do I get a trophy?

You do!! You're doing incredibly well

Get some shit reality tv on and forget about him

Thanks Roberts. It fucking sucks though. How am I going to get through Xmas. My sex drive hasn't realised he's an asshole and we were having lots of sex. Arghhhhhh

That's not good. it is sending him all the wrong signals and delaying the pain. Do you think your relationship is able to be saved?

Isn't he now in a relationship? is this the type of man you want in your life. he is having sex with you, while starting a relationship with another woman.

That makes him the bastard of the highest order in my mind. He must think he is gods gift...

This isn't good for you either. Your self esteem is being bashed every time this happens. You did well to avoid him this evening - but how are you going to make this your way forward from now on?

I didn't send any signals to him. I was polite that's all. I'm just being honest on here. I won't cave. He is out now and I've not answered his text about how my evening was and I won't. I'm off out tomorrow night with a friend to remind myself there's a whole world out there

Good on you. I think I might have misread. I thought you were still sleeping together. A night out might be just what's needed.

Just dropping in to add something about Chrustmas, and say not to worry about that, it's so far off.
Live each day, be as present as you can.
Everything is ok in the present moment, it's when the mind drifts to future/past thinking that pain begins.
As soon as you drift and realise, come back in to the moment.
I recommend Eckhart Tolle.
There is stuff on you tube, (probably around relationships if you scan titles)
I learned a new way of being from this and it got me through a horrendous time in my life.

*Christmas

Fgs

So I went out last night and had a most amazing time! Feeling brighter

Excellent news!

Enjoy the feeling but don't be surprised if you have a dip again just to warn you

There are some lovely people on your thread Fred. It reminds me what mumsnet's good at. Nothing to add - just that you're doing great! So glad you enjoyed your night. There IS a world out there

Thanks tall, yes the support has been invaluable

Pleased to hear it fred. maybe that's what I need too.

talk about it on here
so many kind people have been through the same thing
when you feel like caving in come on here and talk it through with us

for me psychotherapy has been amazing

I also may have had sex with a very young fit gorgeously beautiful young man