I've been so strong...major wobble

[whatnextfred]

Long story short. Do had one night stand. 13 years. 3 dc. Life never been so good etc etc. Straw that broke camels back, similar but lesser previous offences. All this approx 3 weeks ago.

I kicked him out instantly. Told everyone. Told dc. He is now in rental house. We're being cordial. It's all been going well and I've been so strong. So strong. Today I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Freezing cold. Exhausted. Dc on half term. Just got McDonald's drive through in trackies for tea. Feel if I start crying I may never stop.

I'm soooooooo sad. My life as was planned is dead. I miss him. We had so much fun. I want to tell him I'm struggling but know I can't. He would be back here in a shot and I won't allow that. I know I'm worth more. I won't cave. But fuck this hurts

Well, why not.

Whats good for the goose and all that......

Haha Fred - good for you

23!!! I'm 36 for crying out loud. He was lovely though and just what I needed

Second meet with counsellor in an hour. Feeling nervous

Anyone there?
How is everyone doing?

I am here. How was your appointment?

Hey tales. It was good. I'm up and down like a yoyo

its still early days. Don't put pressure on yourself to bounce back. Got anything nice planned for the weekend?

Off to the men's tennis final on Sunday at the O2. But he is going too. With his sis and her dh. Have had the tickets forever and it's our first year managing final tickets so really didn't want to miss it. Get on great with sil and bil so should be okay. Have a date with dd tonight for strictly in Blackpool

I going on a dinner date with him next Friday. I figured why not. The distraction is nice, he's lovely and kind and there's no threat of it getting serious as he loves 45 mins away and is so young. Better than sitting at home crying

That sounds like what you need. But keep it simple - don't rush into anything.

I feel like I turned a corner this week. I kind of don't care any more. Unless i try really hard to think about it. it has become easier to switch off. Hve had to spend some time with him and found it was good to realise that I don't especially like him and even better - that I really don't fancy him. So thankfully that realisation has made it easier.

I am having him, his mum and our son over for dinner tomorrow night. Just to prove to him and myself that everything is OK. For now it is. But the next big hurdle will be when he announces he is in a relationship that is serious. Because it will happen any day now. He can't be alone for long.

Had a friend over last night. Drank too much and we both chatted (moaned!) about our exes. She has been through far worse than me, so I have put it into perspective a bit more.

Oh and I picked up my new car...still scared of driving it, but so pleased to have freedom. it will take time to get used to it, but I am sure I will.

Fred - you sound like you have turned a corner too. Just go with whatever emotions you are feeling. A young hot man has to be a good way to get over your ex, but may not be the best way to heal your heart.

I still actually ache to kiss and touch exd sometimes. I find him so attractive. Bastard

Yesterday nearly killed me. I ache to just be with him. Going to have to set some firm boundaries. Found it so hard not to touch him, hold his hand etc. Fucking torture

I agree with you on the boundaries thing. I think your determination to be on good terms for the sake of the kids is admirable. And also hurting you.

I think you need a bit of distance. For a while anyway. Still cordial but no more socialising with him. No more meals out with the kids or socialising with him and his family. Perhaps he and his family are thinking you'll be back together for Christmas. Perhaps even your children are thinking that this is temporary. Everyone will be thinking that he can't be that bad if you are going out of your way to spend time with him.

He hurt you very badly. Keep that at the forefront of your mind for now. He doesn't get to be the good guy in this.

It will be good for everyone to see that things have changed. Because they have changed.

It's hard to have boundaries as his dog is still here so he is picking him up / taking for walks etc. No dogs at rental house. I wish I could just shut the door on him

I've sent him an email. Saying in no uncertain terms that this way my house for the next few months and expect it to be treated as such. No hugs / cuddles / long friendly chats / fun etc. Totally called him on expecting me to play the role he has now cast not the role I signed up for. Will see how it goes but feel stronger. Yesterday was horrendous. Now just have my date on Friday to panic about!

You'll have to have a think about the dog thing.

If he was so fond of the dog, you wonder why he took a rental that didn't allow dogs. And now he has the perfect excuse to turn up at yours constantly.

Maybe the dog can stay with his family for a while? Or a friend's? Or he can decide that the dog is actually a family dog, and he no longer lives with the family (because he's a cheating scumbag).

And then he can pick up the dog only when he is picking up the kids and dropping them off. No access otherwise. And no 'dropping round to see the kids' whenever he feels like it. A proper schedule that everyone gets used to. Maybe you even want to drop the kids/dog off for a while until things are more settled. That means he doesn't get to come around any more. Have a think about what you want and what is best for the kids. If that means he doesn't step over the threshold of his former house, that is fine.

These are the consequences of cheating on your spouse, unfortunately.

He seems to want you to have all the unpleasantness of the split, and him to have all the nice bits, even though he caused the split. It is not on.

The injustice of it all is burning a hole in me today.

I am sorry to hear that fred. The only way to move forward is to think about what you have gained.

You have the love of your children - and time alone with them to enjoy them without his presence
You have your home, your work, your friends, your family - and they all know what he's done and they think he's a dick. But they support you.
You have a nice young man who seems keen and is a worthy distraction.

The only thing you have lost is a man who clearly thought much less about you than you deserved. That's no loss at all - it is a gain.

Don't dwell on the finances or the loss of your future together or any of those things until this initial hurt is done with.

Just think about what you have gained and enjoy the small moments.

I arranged my car insurance yesterday - the first time ever and got a great deal and i got life insurance so if my driving skills really are crappy my kids will get a lump sum. i felt grown up and proud. I didn't need his advice or his validation to move forward with my life. the last 6 weeks has been all mine. Every move I have made has been on my own. I haven't felt that level of independence in 20 years. I am enjoying that. And I think it is doing his head in that i am not asking his permission or advice at every turn. That helps.

Yes there is injustice and he deserves to rot in hell - but not at the expense of your happiness. because the more you dwell the more you destroy yourself - not him. Just try to think about what is good in your life.

Can you make a list?

Thanks so much remember. This really helps. It was the loss of our future and financial things. He announced he is taking this new woman away for three nights between Xmas and new year and it made me so cross because I can't spend money like that, and that should have been me! Even though I don't want it to be me, I do

I am also jealous of how me can spend money. he has joined a dating site (one of the decent paid for ones) he has bought himself expensive clothes, he is talking about repainting our kitchen. I am struggling to survive.
he is also talking about going on a holiday or weekend away with our son and tried to buy weekend tickets for Glastonbury.
Every month i have to send him money to cover shared expenses (the kids, a loan etc). It is fair - but it is so hard when he is sitting in our house that I still own, on a lower mortgage than my rent, with all the furniture and household stuff that we bought.
I got myself into £5000 debt to afford to leave him. It seems really unfair. But when the time comes and the house is sold - I will get what I deserve. I am trying not to dwell on it because it does me no good.

As far as our future goes - it was all his plans anyway. I never lived my life how I wanted and i could forsee our retirement as being whatever he wanted. Plus he is delusional about how we would have survived financially.