I've been so strong...major wobble

[whatnextfred]

Long story short. Do had one night stand. 13 years. 3 dc. Life never been so good etc etc. Straw that broke camels back, similar but lesser previous offences. All this approx 3 weeks ago.

I kicked him out instantly. Told everyone. Told dc. He is now in rental house. We're being cordial. It's all been going well and I've been so strong. So strong. Today I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Freezing cold. Exhausted. Dc on half term. Just got McDonald's drive through in trackies for tea. Feel if I start crying I may never stop.

I'm soooooooo sad. My life as was planned is dead. I miss him. We had so much fun. I want to tell him I'm struggling but know I can't. He would be back here in a shot and I won't allow that. I know I'm worth more. I won't cave. But fuck this hurts

I'm not bouncing back

Oh Whatnext - I get it. I am not bouncing back either. the smallest things are setting me off in tears most of the time, it feels. The evenings and the mornings are the worst. When I am not doing anything else and before I get up.I have found that staying busy helps - but not much. I keep getting that sick feeling in my tummy that says something is very very wrong. its awful.

What is helping me is thinking about what my options are. I can ask him if i can go back - for a short while I would feel better - but my daughter will be emotionally abused again eventually and so will I. I will be walking on eggshells before i know it and always blamed for breaking up the family and getting it so wrong.

Or i can keep going. As hard as it is and as much as I just want to step off this path. I just have to keep going. because I know it gets better. I don't know when or how, but i know it will get better. because I have seen it happen with other people who have been through this.

Don't rush it. This is a devastating blow for you and your family. it is his fault, but it is best not to dwell on the anger right now. Think about yourself and what you need in your life right at this moment. Good food, good friends, family and your children. Keep busy but do reflect from tie to time.

I heard someone say that they set aside a time to grieve or to feel sad. Just that 10 minutes each day. it is the time you have decided and the rest of the time you block it out. I like that idea.

I really do get it. I am at the same stage and feeling he same way. My ex has also just announced he has started dating. That was what set me off. I don't feel like I can ever get over his ability to move on from an 18 year relationship so quickly.

If you want to chat some more and support each other, I am here.

Thanks remember. I think I've been so low because he has been working away past few days (as he was when he cheated). I couldn't stopped wondering what he was doing / who he was with. I shouldn't care now he can do whatever he wants. But I do. On one level anyway. So fucking hard. Was supposed to all be heading to local bonfire together but I'm going to bed with hot water bottle and blazing headache he can take dc. They know I've not been feeling well.

You are doing okay Fred. it is just another stage in the process. You have been running on adrenaline and you've crashed, it's totally normal.

When I found out about my exp cheating I didn't even cry for the first 13 days. Then I cried but I was still angry. Then the anger wore off and there was just hurt and sadness. My counsellor told me that the depression was supressed anger which actually helped me a lot. I let myself feel angry again and it helped move me on.

Yes that makes sense re the adrenaline. Feel like I've been run over

This is a great post from Mummydummy from a few months ago. I've found it very helpful.

'I'm so sorry for your situation - your heart much be broken. Totally and utter sympathy. I agree that it is entirely like a bereavement and there will be a lot of stages to go through and lots of emotions - hurt, anger, disbelief, fear, anxiety, bitterness. The loss of a picture of your future, fear of loneliness, who will I go on holidays with, who will I grow old with? Financial worries, all of that. Your social life, friendships... And most important of all worries for the well-being of your children.

Some thoughts:

• it will be a painful path but you will survive. Know it. You are strong, brave, big hearted
• dont try to block the pain and hurt, let yourself cry. Feel everything, the anger, bitterness, pain and hurt. It has to come out, and as it does it makes you stronger and aids your recovery
• know that one day it wont be the first thing that hits you when you wake or occupies your mind all day
• take each day as it comes - tiny victories
• be so kind to yourself, look after your health,
• get support from friends and family and MN!
• never ever use the children against him - they deserve two loving parents and healthy relationships with both.. your yardstick is their future love and respect for how you coped, your dignity (one day they will understand and know what you did for them)
• be thankful for the routine of looking after the kids, the things you have to do, they will keep you sane however impossible they will feel some days
• as time goes on find the little pleasures that you can look forward to - a night out with a friend, a weekend away...
• know you didn't deserve it and look at him as weak, he never gave the relationship the chance of counselling or talking to try and fix it, he just gave up - he will have to live with that. But know you are no longer responsible in any way for his life or happiness...
• try not to delve into what he's doing, spying on his social media etc - it will make you ill and send you crazy - he doesn't matter now.
• let no one, no one, judge you. Not even you. Its not your fault. Full stop.
• know that the only person who will look after you and make you have a good and happy life is you. Choose a better future, you have a choice.
• you are free now to do as you want... watch a movie in bed, make a cuppa and have a bath in the middle of the night when you cant sleep, turn on the radio or listen to music to help you get to sleep, a lie in here and there...
• find attention elsewhere, of course you wont be able now but later allow yourself. There's never one man, one story, one path. There are new paths and adventures to be had. Once you are through the bereavement.

Best of luck, sympathy, huge hugs, kindness.'

Tales - thank you for this. it really does help and hopefully for fred too. I spent the night watching a boxset on channel four "the politician" - the original of the series that was remade. He has an affair and she takes him tot he cleaners. I watched it for 3 hours and didnt think about him hardly at all. Not enough to make me upset at least. I now feel better than on other nights.

I think I might get through a lot of tv in the next few weeks.

Fred. I hope your head feels better. Can you avoid seeing your ex for a while. I have insisted on no contacted for the next couple of weeks. I need the space. it hurts to look at him knowing he is actively looking for my replacement. I don't want that right now.

I keep remembering the last time I felt this way. My boyfriend cheated on me and \i had to see them together everyday at university. Knowing he was now living with her. I was 20. Now I am 43 and the same feelings are coming up. But I remember that I eventually got over it back then and it makes me hopeful now. Yes, i had about 6 months of utter heartbreak - but it got better little by little. Thats what I hope for now.

When my DP of 12 yrs left me for another woman, I told myself to allow a month for every year of the relationship, to accept my emotions, to let myself feel all the pain for that time.
That really helped, as did writing it all down.
By the end of the year, the feelings were not all gone, but I understood that they were not permanent by then.
Now I'm happily married with 3 children and not really bothered about my ex. It does pass, much more than the pain of bereavement, even though that's what it felt like at the time.

Great posts, thanks all. I'm crying since the kids left yesterday evening. Raging headache. Literally can't stop. He is seeing someone. It shouldn't matter. It shouldn't. But feel like I'm dying

Oh fred - just hold on...can you invite someone over to chat? Anything to have an hour or two respite from the awful feelings.

Shirt your focus away from him for a while -get out for a walk, organise your cupboards, change the sheets. Tidy your kids bedrooms.

I know that gut wrenching sick feeling like the bottom just dropped out of your world. You are right it shouldn't matter - but it does, it really does. because it tells you that he doesn't care about you. That may not be true - but it is how you feel.

I had lunch with my son today (he works weekends so we were in a cafe) and literally as we were sitting down to eat I got a text message from ex telling me he had told our son about his dating. it spoiled everything. All of a sudden the pity in my son's eyes meant something. I knew he was avoiding talking about his dad because he knows it would upset me

After lunch I text ex back and told he should never have put our 17 yr old son in that position and that now he has to tell our daughter. I don't want our son to be carrying that burden just a few weeks in. yes for us it may have been coming for 6 months, but for our kids this is still fresh and raw. I am so angry about that - but am I angry for myself or for the kids?

This will get better fred. Just keep going for your kids - they need you to be strong.

Fred - thinking of you. are you okay? Perhaps your kids are back so you can spend time with them and it gives you another focus.

A blanket on the sofa and a box set is a very good idea for days like this.

PS Try reading ChumpLady's website - a wealth of experience there. Quite anti-reconciliation - all about helping you come to terms with it and moving on.

Does anyone else know of good websites or books that will help recover when recently separated. Not necessarily due to cheating. Something that makes sense of these feelings.

Remember I ordered one yesterday on my kindle called heal yourself and move on or something... will check details and get back but to be honest it doesn't seem up to much

Hi Fred. I can imagine how awful this must be for you - and I hope you can get through this.

I'm awake since 2 am

Didn't want to read and run Hun.
Had similar a while back as after 12 years and three dc together dh moved out for 6 weeks.
At that time I thought it wasn't going to be resolved however it's better than it was but there was no infidelity just two pushed to the limit people. Had there been infidelity like your dh I would not have actively got back together.
I will never forget how I felt and all exactly how you are feeling.
I would have days where I got up and just got through and would even manage to have a laugh or meet up with family or just enjoy the dc but I had lots of times where I just suddenly would feel like I was sinking. The gut wrenching feeling that doesn't go away would get me really frustrated and I would get angry with myself.
Best bit of advice given by my lovely boss was to take each day as it comes. One day at a time literally and be gentle on myself.
She also told me not to do or say anything in anger or frustration and it helped me to put the brakes on when I could feel myself getting really panicky upset or angry and calm myself.
This site was a god send for me as well even if just to flit through random posts about random things at stupid I click when adrenaline wouldn't allow sleep.
Just be kind to yourself. You've made some massive decisions and put your morals and a happy life ahead of lies and ignorance and that takes some doing.
It won't feel like it now but eventually you will be happy again.
Keep going. Xxx

Been there too.
I allowed myself a month for each year...30 months in all...and yes it took all of that but the last one was nowhere near as raw as the first few.

Hang on in there. There's some good advice from people on here. Cry, cry, cry as much as you need too. It's the best aid to recovery.
Put everything out of sight that will trigger you. Wedding albums, photos, clothes. Can you put them all in the loft.
Clear the decks.
It's a husband free zone from now on.
Only communicate over the kids
Get that anger out. If you can't take up kick boxing then you need to do something physical.
A good tip, get a rolled up magazine, put some stirring music on, shut the curtains and bash away at the bed calling him all the filthy c u n t s you can think off.
Remember swallowed anger leads to depression.
Anger and depression are at opposite ends of the same scale.
So get that anger out at the injustice you're having to bear, that wasn't your fault. Yes you will feel silly and yes you MUST do it for a minimum of 5 minutes. 10 is better. You'll probably get hot, very angry, you probably if you throw yourself into it feel rage, you may end up crying or laughing...what you will experience is relief. You may end up sleepy.
Finish on a positive . Remind yourself of what is good in your life and what you have to look forward too...it may only be a hot bath..but make it a scented one with candles.
Give to yourself and love yourself. Be the centre of your own universe...and keep your little satellites ( kids, loved ones) in your sights.

These techniques are taken from R C counselling. I've used them lots on myself and others and they do work.

Fred you woke up just as I managed to go to sleep. I stupidly starting texting ex last night and woke up regretting it. I was self indulgent and wanting him to soothe me. He was kind but distant. But reading his comments back it was all about how great he is feeling, how wonderful it is to move on...how I will get there too.

Saw my wonderful counsellor this morning who pointed out everything he is saying is bullshit. I needed to hear it. She told me that I am the one who is being brave, by being alone, by living with my misery and by working through it I am going to come out the other end safer and with more wellbeing and resilience.

These men need a woman in their lives to improve their self esteem, to give them focus when they can't bear the truth. In my ex's case, his wife has just left him and his daughter refuses to talk to him or see him and yet he claims he is happy. How can that be so? it is lies because he can't bear to look inwards and wants distractions.

Feel sorry for your ex, Fred. he will crash at some point too and by then you will be recovering and moving on to better things. He will be realising what a stupid man he was.

I hope you have managed to get up and be around people today. My counsellor told me to find myself a friendship group. So I am off to a Meetup tomorrow night. terrified i might just bawl all the way through it - but i might also connect with people who are just like me. You never know.

Fred
It fucking hurts and it will for ages. Some days will be better than others. But eventually, the good things you have achieved/enjoyed without him will outnumber those good times you had with him, and it won't hurt any more.

I'm a proper mess. Think o had some sort of breakdown earlier. Cried so hard and for so long and just actually couldn't stop. I don't want any of this. Any of it. I want the man that was supposed to love me and the life I had planned. This is torture

Am calmer. Fuck. I totally lost it. I literally howled for hours. Exhausted and spent now but calmer.

Am calmer. Fuck. I totally lost it. I literally howled for hours. Exhausted and spent now but calmer.

Fred, I've been there. Lots of us have. Let yourself feel all the feelings and yes it is shit and it is painful. But at some point in the future it will not feel so shit, it will not hurt so acutely. Day by day, even though you can't feel it happening, you accept the change. It becomes the new normal.
Have you got friends or family? Even if you watch TV or talk about the weather it is good to chat, Don't spend too much time on your own - it only intensifies the emotion.

These men need a woman in their lives to improve their self esteem, to give them focus when they can't bear the truth. rememberthetime, this is spot-on. And I look at how much my ex has lost because he needed something extra for his ego. Pathetic.

I really feel for you. Maybe try to get an early night and sleep. Things often feel better in the light of day.
Don't forget that your doctor is there if you feel you can't cope any longer. Medication in the short term can help you to get through each day until it starts to feel better. I am not at that stage yet - but wondering if it might help.
Right now I just feel anger and want to hurt him like he hurt me.
His mum wanted to visit me this week and had to tell her its not a good time. What on earth do I tell her? That her son is a complete narcissist who can't see past the end of his own need for "companionship". How ashamed would she be?

Fred - have a cup of tea, eat something and try to do something to take your mind off this. You need to be there for your kids.

Our bodies know when to shut us down. When the pain and adrenaline become too much it will just shut down and not let us be normal. yes it may be a breakdown, but it doesn't mean you have lost it. it means you were doing what you needed to.

I literally have a pain in my heart and chest. Like I can't breathe. it is awful. I just want it to disappear and for life to carry on as if he wasn't in it. but i know I have to get thru this bit - to come out better on the other side. You know that too.

Fred...that's great news.
You did just great.
Did you read my post.
Discharging your grief is so therapeutic and yes it does make you tired and sleepy but calm.
Hopefully you
L sleep sound tonight.
Don't be scared...all natural.