I feel completely humiliated

[chimp33]

My marriage has been in trouble for a while. 6 weeks ago I told my husband that I wanted a divorce as I considered him to be a classic passive aggressive and that I felt he had been emotionally abusing me for a long period of time. He begged me to give him another chance and said that he wanted to start individual therapy to deal with his issues.

I was vary wary, given all that's happened over the years and told him that we would need to keep a distance, that we would need to sleep in separate bedrooms and try to reconcile some kind of friendly relationship over a period of time before we could even think about a physical relationship again, to which he agreed.

Anyway over the past six weeks we have had a few bumps in the road, which is to be expected I guess, but he began to discover things about himself through therapy and has opened up to me in a way I have never seen before and it has given me hope that our relationship could be salvaged.

Two nights ago we slept together for the first time. It was a big deal for me and I genuinely felt a strong emotional and physical connection with him and felt so happy that afterwards I told him I loved him. I have found it extremely difficult to say these words for a long time, due to the problems in our marriage and I know he has wanted me to say it for a long time. Anyway, his response was to tell me how cheesy I sounded...........

I felt absolutely humiliated and lay there in stunned silence for a few seconds before I slapped him on the back and asked why would he say something like that? He then said, oh I do love you. Then rolled over and went to sleep.

I feel so fucking angry with myself, firstly for sleeping with him and secondly telling him I loved him and putting myself into a position of complete vulnerability only to have him tell me that I sounded cheesy for saying it. I do not understand what would drive him to say that to me? he clearly can't show emotion despite telling me that he is desperate to have a close/emotional/intimate relationship. What the fuck does this man want from me? I feel like such a fool.

Is this the first message you have ever posted on mumsnet, chimp33?

What the hell was he thinking!!! There's no coming back from that is there really, can you even imagine a situation where you'd trust him enough to sleep with him again, I wouldn't.

I have posted once before under a different username - again relating to my marriage - why do you ask?

To be clear, I am not a troll. This is a genuine situation and I am absolutely devastated right now.

Sounds like more EA to me, OP. I'm sorry. That must have really hurt.

There might be an innocent explanation. Perhaps he wasn't expecting those words as he hadn't heard them in a long time. Maybe he felt a bit awkward and didn't know how to react?

What a amazing understanding bloke really is;!

Not:(

I understand that you may be feeling that he fooled you again, but don't be angry with yourself as it sounds as if your insight into the relationship has served to propel you into a position of strength and there's no shame in having made yourself vulnerable on this occasion.

Regardless of whether you're now back in separate bedrooms, I would suggest that you divest yourself of any ire and calmly use the words from your paragraphs that begins "It was a big deal for me and I genuinely felt a strong emotional and physical connection with him etc" to tell him how you felt the other night and, regardless of how good the sex may have been, how you subsequently felt that you'd wasted your time as his response made you feel belittled and humiliated rather than loved and cherished.

Tell him you're back to square one in evaluating whether your marriage can be salvaged and suggest that he discusses this development with his therapist.

Is that emotional abuse? if so, you're right, it was.Why is he fucking doing this to me? I told him I wanted a divorce, he sucked me back in again. He lives under this guise of being a kind, decent, caring man. He's a disgrace as far as I'm concerned.

God I just feel crushed right now. I told my mum today and she was absolutely furious and told me that surely there is no way back from that and that I needed to be strong. I feel like I have no reserves left, I'm exhausted. We have an 18 month old too and I have to be strong for him, I just don't know how I'm going to pick myself up from this

I think goddessofsmallthings advice is spot on. Relationships (even rocky ones) work so much better when both parties are open and honest with each other.

Just tell him exactly what you've told us.

I have told him. Yesterday morning I said, What you said last night really upset me and his response was, but I told you I loved you (in an irritated tone)
Er, yes, you muttered that you loved me after I had called you out on your shitty response saying I sounded cheesy, then you rolled over and went to sleep!

He left for work today (works away) and he was really upset when he left. He then text me this evening to say he hoped I had a nice day with my mum and that he felt emotionally exhausted.......

He didn't ask if I was ok, nothing. Just that HE was emotionally exhausted. I have given him so many chances over the years, I have tried so bloody hard to make it work. I am now back to square one, I feel like I'm left with no option but to divorce because how can I trust him? Even if he goes through therapy for 6 months, a year, at some point I am going to have to open up to him emotionally, trust him, sleep with him. How can I do that knowing that he will do or say something that is going to decimate all that has been built up?

thank you all for replying. It feels good just to type it out....

I feel like I have no reserves left

Your tank may be running on empty with regard to your feelings for him, but your little dc will ensure it never runs dry,

It takes courage to make ourselves vulnerable, but sometimes it's the only way to discover whether a cause is worth fighting for.

The oracle says that you will either look back one day and think 'what an unfeeling twat he was' and be glad you divorced him, or laugh over it when you celebrate your silver wedding.

Thank you - wise words indeed. I'm just tired of fighting so hard, when does it get easier? Perhaps it doesn't and realising that will surely guide me in the right direction.

I think you need therapy just as much as he does. It's difficult to offer any advice because there isn't enough in your posts to make an assessment. However, calling his clumsy response to your admission of love EA is extreme and it sounds like given your visceral reaction, that perhaps resuming sexual relations was premature because you aren't ready.

I get the impression that you think 'fixing' your relationship is his responsibility when in fact you have a role in your relationship dynamic as well.

When does it get easier? Maybe when you get someone who is your emotional equal.

He sounds very immature and that is leading him to respond in a belittling way , self protecting rather than giving you what you need.

You sound mature and giving. I would urge you not to settle for this man.

I would have have been hurt at that too. It seems that after all the work he has seemingly put in he didn't understand or appreciate what you actually said.

He was rather flippant about it.

I would say there still is a huge disconnect between you and that proves it. And it's still all about him.

I think you know where his mind is at.

It'll get easier as soon as you stop 'fighting so hard', which is most probably a euphemism for allowing your emotions to run so wild you can't think of anything else and are constantly obsessing about the current state of play.

'
Relationships should enhance our lives and the best ones don't need to be worked at in ways which cause us to exhaust ourselves.

Instead of trying to force it, try to take a step back and put the onus on him to prove that he's capable of change while you quietly get on with raising your dc, running your home, etc, and socialising with friends or taking up a hobby or pursuit that will block some of those persistently negative thoughts from disturbing your equilibrium.

Take heart! His attitude the other night and his preoccupation with himself today doesn't bode well for the future of your marriage, but they have given you two prime examples of unreasonable behaviour that could be cited in a petition to divorce.

Make your mantra 'all things must pass' and know that many issues resolve themselves without us having to break into a sweat.

I sympathise, OP, but feel you might be being a little "snowflakey" about this, in all honesty.

Ok, he should have read the mood better and not been flippant. But you know, we've all been in those situations where we've said something stupid that we wish we could take back. Or misread a situation and tried (and failed) to lighten the mood when it's really not appropriate.

It sounds like he's really, really tried. Can you not give him the benefit of the doubt?

Isetan - I appreciate that you can only comment based on the information I have provided in this post and I absolutely agree that I need therapy myself and that I should not have allowed myself to resume a sexual relationship with him because neither of us were ready. However, he instigated it and I allowed it to happen because in that moment, I wanted to. Attributing his clumsy response to emotional abuse may appear extreme but within the context of our relationship problems, that is exactly what it was.

I truly believe that far from being a flippant or unintentional response, the truth runs much deeper and that makes it all the more disturbing. The therapist has already identified that he has never had a strong emotional connection with any female (including immediate family) prior to marrying me. That may be where the problem lies but I do not feel that it is my responsibility to fix that. I was not aware as to the extent of the problems when we married as I was young and naive and I do take full responsibility for my role in our relationship but I have literally spent years trying to decipher his behaviour, help him to become more self aware, point out repeatedly what is and is not appropriate and understand his emotions, listen to him talk about his therapy sessions and what he is understanding about himself, be there for him emotionally etc whilst getting bugger all in return.

Lilinoo - you're right, he is very emotionally immature (he has admitted this himself) and whilst I have spent years trying my best to communicate my needs, the penny has still not dropped it seems.

Jingle bells - Yes I do feel like it's all about him and the 'ongoing journey' as he puts it, that he is now on, this voyage of self discovery that he expects me to be a part of. He tells me one thing (he agreed we should not sleep together) but then a week ago told me that he wished we still had a great sex life and that he was missing it so much, then instigated sex, got what he wanted and then threw me under the bus.

Perhaps it is coming across that I am being overly sensitive about his remarks but a lot has happened in 10 years of marriage. We are at such a crucial point in our relationship and he might be tired but god so am I and it's no excuse. I would never ever have responded in that way given the situation we were in at the time.

Also him saying something stupid/offensive was not a one off thing. He has a long and chequered history of doing it.

I think it depends on how he said the cheesy comment. If it was in a sort of seriously disgusted way then that was mean. It sounds quite playful to me but obviously I wasn't there! Although the sex was a big thing for you he might not have realised.

I am a bit surprised by some of the comments I must say! But perhaps I may be coming across as overly sensitive or dissecting his every comment and blowing it out of proportion. However, he claimed he said it in a lighthearted way, which I didn't appreciate. We're not teenagers, we are in our 30's! It was also the first time we'd had sex in 6 weeks and it was a big deal for both of us.

Ultimately I opened up to him emotionally and he did not reciprocate. That really bloody hurts

i think you are completely over-reacting. He made what he thought was a joke, realised it wasn't and told you he loved you. It's the kind of thing my DP could say to me and we'd just laugh but it's too soon for that with you (please tell me it's just too soon and you wouldn't react like this if things were going well?) He misjudged that. That is not EA.

And I agree with him...... spending years deciphering his behaviour? Helping him become more self-aware (did he ask you to do this)? Repeatedly pointing out what (you think) is and is not appropriate? Having a big discussion the next day about an awkward failed joke? Accusing him of EA over said Mia-timed joke? It all does sound emotionally exhausting.

If a woman posted saying her DH was doing all those things everyone would point out how controlling he was and to LTB. You clearly want to change him into something he isn't.

I don't think your over-reacting

What he said just crystallises all that you don't like about his approach to your emotional needs

you're over-reacting