I feel completely humiliated

[chimp33]

My marriage has been in trouble for a while. 6 weeks ago I told my husband that I wanted a divorce as I considered him to be a classic passive aggressive and that I felt he had been emotionally abusing me for a long period of time. He begged me to give him another chance and said that he wanted to start individual therapy to deal with his issues.

I was vary wary, given all that's happened over the years and told him that we would need to keep a distance, that we would need to sleep in separate bedrooms and try to reconcile some kind of friendly relationship over a period of time before we could even think about a physical relationship again, to which he agreed.

Anyway over the past six weeks we have had a few bumps in the road, which is to be expected I guess, but he began to discover things about himself through therapy and has opened up to me in a way I have never seen before and it has given me hope that our relationship could be salvaged.

Two nights ago we slept together for the first time. It was a big deal for me and I genuinely felt a strong emotional and physical connection with him and felt so happy that afterwards I told him I loved him. I have found it extremely difficult to say these words for a long time, due to the problems in our marriage and I know he has wanted me to say it for a long time. Anyway, his response was to tell me how cheesy I sounded...........

I felt absolutely humiliated and lay there in stunned silence for a few seconds before I slapped him on the back and asked why would he say something like that? He then said, oh I do love you. Then rolled over and went to sleep.

I feel so fucking angry with myself, firstly for sleeping with him and secondly telling him I loved him and putting myself into a position of complete vulnerability only to have him tell me that I sounded cheesy for saying it. I do not understand what would drive him to say that to me? he clearly can't show emotion despite telling me that he is desperate to have a close/emotional/intimate relationship. What the fuck does this man want from me? I feel like such a fool.

[ballottheplebs]

He sounds manipulative and textbook passive-aggressive to me - putting a lot of energy faking things to get you a stage where you feel you can be intimate and then shaming/mocking/minimising you when you express yourself. Then he can go "poor me look at the hysterical woman I'm dealing with"

Oh, and I wouldn't feel pressurised to define yourself as "sensitive" in order to justify being fed up of dealing with a PA bully.

Good luck

[keepingonrunning]

Stay strong Chimp. FWIW I recognise the behaviour in your H you describe. The moods and sulking are designed to control you. I think going to therapy and mulling it over with you afterwards is pure attention seeking. So much time taken up with the spotlight on him him him. I don't believe he has had any intention of changing, his self-enlightenment has been for show. If you felt conned when he persuaded you back in the sack it's probably because you were conned. There is no depth to this man, he is two-dimensional.
Calling someone sensitive is often a complaint when that person naturally protests at being walked all over.
Yes it can take two to cause a marriage to end. But not in the case of abuse. You are wise to get out now while you still have some sanity and self-esteem. Please protect your DC from his controlling, manipulative ways. With luck H's selfishness will quickly make him tire of having sole care of DC in turns. I second the recommendation to visit the outofthefog.com website for support and revealing information.

[chimp33]

Thanks everyone.

Regarding the next steps, we have been communicating this evening via text (very long messages on both sides) and I have stayed firm, composed and have calmly explained what I need to happen next. This in itself may have thrown him a bit as I have let my emotions take over in the past and my messages would read as though I'm losing control, utter devastation, world coming to an end etc (kind of like my early messages in this thread!)

I have told him that in the short term, we must sleep in separate rooms, that I do not wish to discuss 'us' anymore, I don't want to hear anything else about him missing me/sex, I told him that whilst I think he should continue with therapy for himself (if he wants to) that he should not be doing it with the view that everything will work out between us and that I needed physical and emotional distance. Anything less and I will be back in the same position and I can't because it's mentally killing me.

We have no choice but to live in the same house at the moment but due to the nature of his job we won't see each other that much anyway. When he's home I can go and stay with my mum. I'm going back to work soon and as soon as I am financially able, I will leave.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

my assumption on this relationship board is that its only when someone has reached the end of their tether do they reach out to complete strangers for advice, or support or affirmation. Chimp - I believe that is where you are at, at the moment. Women minimise, they cope and get on with things, they brush things under the carpet. And then there comes a point where enough is enough. Its often a small (to the outside world) thing that triggers it.

you next steps need to be practical if you do decide to take them. Finances, home, children. All the minutia of untangling those years together. Do you have support? Do you need advice?

[artiface]

if they haven't been intimate for a time and he may feel he's being 'watched' (as he's having therapy) and a that maybe a change was expected. Of course it may be that he felt superior/smug, the cat who'd got the cream...

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

Ten years in art?

[artiface]

Could he have been embarrassed by the sudden intimacy of your comment? When a partner told me sincerely how much our relationship meant to him I just couldn't cope with the 'spotlight' and brushed it off as a joke...not a good reaction, but I didn't know how to react as it was so put of the blue

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

I think you've just had enough and we all have our limits. I think your right about crying wolf too much but don't feel bad about that you have clearly given him a lot of chances at your own detriment to keep your family together.

Letting go though for your own sanity is probably your next step - where can you go from here? I think he sounds very self indulged - it may be a trait of being on the spectrum or not but if his behavour is grinding you down you gotta let go.

[mysinkingheart]

Chimp so sorry you're going through this. You're right to stop putting yourself through so much hurt and disappointment and no you're not too sensitive these types really wear you down. Trust your instincts no matter how much he tries to minimise your feelings your gut is usually spot on.
My xh was/is passive aggressive so I really empathise.
My only advice would be not to justify your feelings or decisions any more as they'll always find a way to soften your heart only to break it again. You'll end up forgetting all the reasons you wanted to leave and it gets harder and harder to do so as your mind gets foggier and foggier. So you don't need to justify your decision, being unhappy, systematically disappointed, sulked at, passively-aggressively bullied, are all reasons enough to leave without having to explain it all. That's what makes some people think we're too sensitive, especially if he's good at doing the "lovely guy" act socially.
Take baby steps so you don't tire yourself further but do get away from it. He might well make it easier for you as PAs tend to show their aggressive side when the seduction fails...But I'd try and do it in an emotionally boring way. The outofthefog.net website has some useful resources..helped me anyway. So just to say I believe you and wish you lots of strength

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Good for you chimp

So what happens now?

[chimp33]

I'm ok thanks Jinglebells. Am feeling much better than I was this morning.

I do understand that I gave an incomplete picture of our relationship in my first few posts and maybe I came across as hysterical but that is really not the case.

I am someone who is at the end of their tether, who has tried to better their marriage and not simply give up. Of course I'm not perfect but I have been patient and forgiving over the years when it comes to his misdemeanours and in my current mixed up emotional state, I foolishly slept with him and told him that I loved him. I did that because I am clearly craving a stable emotional relationship and allowed my desperation for that, override my senses. That is why his comment caused me so much distress.

When I told him I wanted to divorce (again), his response was a fairly typical one because to be fair, he has heard it before on more than one occasion. He is now saying all of the right things and continues to tell me that he can make permanent changes etc. I am most definitely not issuing any ultimatums nor have I ever, but I have simply told him that I don't think we are compatible at all, that his remarks caused me a lot of hurt, that I don't expect him to continue walking on eggshells trying to please me and that I accept him for who he is - but that is not someone I want to be married to. I don't think he is taking me seriously because I have lost all credibility by crying wolf so many times before!

I have often thought he has autistic traits and it does run in his family. However, I know that he would be very reluctant to explore this further. He is a good man and does have some wonderful qualities; that is why I have been married to him for 10 years. He is a fantastic Dad, despite his initial comments that he would be jealous of our son (which he later admitted was a terrible thing to have said).

However, his propensity to say thoughtless and hurtful things is not something I can put up with any longer. Believe me, I do not jump on him for every single thing he says and I have let a lot go over the years. Yes I'm sensitive but I think most people would find it bloody hard to live with.

[BlueFolly]

It doesn't sound like he's jumped through that many hoops to be frank. I agree, last straw.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

What was his response to you telling him you wanted a divorce Chimp?

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

How are you chimp?

Your in the position of knowing what a qualified councillor thinks of your Dh from whst he has told her so it doesn't really matter what a bunch of random MNers think.

He sounds a lot like my FIL. mil devorced him a few years back it he has really changed her. He still minimises what he was like and so do her sons sadly.

If you feel something isn't right it most likely isn't.

[FishyWishies]

Well it's the straw that broke etc. type situation....... Good luck chimp.

[user1475501383]

Sounds awful!

This sounds like more EA and/or your partner is on the autistic spectrum. Don't get me wrong, I've got AS and my DP is likely to have it too, not being discriminatory here towards 'my own kind' but I did once date a man with AS who behaved in ways very, very similar to this. I gave him a lot of leeway initially because of his AS but eventually decided enough was enough, and it was a great decision! And so much easier than I thought it would be.

In any case, your partner lacks some very crucial emotional sensitivity. I'm really not sure much can be done to change someone else. Especially if you haven't got DCs, what's the point in staying with someone like this? You seem the sensitive type (as am I) and it's important for us to have a supporting partner who exhibits a good level of emotional understanding, empathy and support.

[Bluntness100]

Feck, that's really rude, I wasn't being nasty, I was asking her to look at it from both sides, his as well as hers.because sometimes that's actually helpful to do, and more helpful than simply ageeeing and doling out tea and sympathy.

Chimp. That's very sad, it's always sad when a marriage ends. However, two nights ago you had sex with him and then told him uou loved him. Now as he made a stupid comment, maybe because he was taken aback after all that happened and not expecting it, it's divorce time......that's a bit of a switch which may indicate your feelings aren't settled.

As said, try to think about it also from his perspective, the guy seems to have jumped through hoops to keep you, and yes there is bad stuff too, but thinking it through from all angles could help.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

Make sure you get some sort of real life support Chimp. It's a hard decision to make I know, but you deserve to a normal life. Ups and downs - yes. Unhappiness - no.

[chimp33]

I don't want to be married to him anymore. I have told him so and will now take the necessary steps to make that a reality.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Does you husband know you use Mumsnet?

Strange question to ask.

[growapear]

Feck

So you're saying that because you don't see that, anyone else who does should get off the thread ? And FWIW people get ripped to shreds on these forums all the time, there is another thread right now where the OP is getting a hard time, I'll look for your post there telling everyone to pipe down and given him a break...

[hermione2016]

Also consider your emotional triggers, "completely humiliated" is your feeling related to your thoughts which may have some history.CBT could help with training your mind not to so reactive.

[hermione2016]

Antiquesinger has given a very good post.Try to take a different perspective but if at the end of this you feel you don't want to be with him then just end the marriage.

Maybe past experience is making you very emotionally reactive but if you agreed to try again you need to start with a clean sheet.Let the little things go, look at the intent behind words or actions.

He was upset that you were upset, perhaps he's not articulating exactly as you want but he is trying and that should be valued.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

Bluntness100 Stop being so nasty. I don't see any of that at all. This board is a place to support others who are at a crisis point in their lives and relationship. They don't come here for character assassinations.

OP I have no idea why so many are misreading what you are saying, and minimising what you are feeling. Does you husband know you use Mumsnet?

[Smyla]

Blimey, it's all good hiding behind your iPhone typing your opinions but you are writing to a person who has clearly taken the step to ask for help. Go easy, be thoughtful and if you genuinely can't be supportive or remotely kind then don't bother writing at all.