I feel completely humiliated

[chimp33]

My marriage has been in trouble for a while. 6 weeks ago I told my husband that I wanted a divorce as I considered him to be a classic passive aggressive and that I felt he had been emotionally abusing me for a long period of time. He begged me to give him another chance and said that he wanted to start individual therapy to deal with his issues.

I was vary wary, given all that's happened over the years and told him that we would need to keep a distance, that we would need to sleep in separate bedrooms and try to reconcile some kind of friendly relationship over a period of time before we could even think about a physical relationship again, to which he agreed.

Anyway over the past six weeks we have had a few bumps in the road, which is to be expected I guess, but he began to discover things about himself through therapy and has opened up to me in a way I have never seen before and it has given me hope that our relationship could be salvaged.

Two nights ago we slept together for the first time. It was a big deal for me and I genuinely felt a strong emotional and physical connection with him and felt so happy that afterwards I told him I loved him. I have found it extremely difficult to say these words for a long time, due to the problems in our marriage and I know he has wanted me to say it for a long time. Anyway, his response was to tell me how cheesy I sounded...........

I felt absolutely humiliated and lay there in stunned silence for a few seconds before I slapped him on the back and asked why would he say something like that? He then said, oh I do love you. Then rolled over and went to sleep.

I feel so fucking angry with myself, firstly for sleeping with him and secondly telling him I loved him and putting myself into a position of complete vulnerability only to have him tell me that I sounded cheesy for saying it. I do not understand what would drive him to say that to me? he clearly can't show emotion despite telling me that he is desperate to have a close/emotional/intimate relationship. What the fuck does this man want from me? I feel like such a fool.

[ThoraGruntwhistle]

Not overreacting, IMO. It obviously took you some time to build back up to that point, and then he smashed you back down again by being insensitive and dismissing your feelings in the moment. Not the actions of a man who wants to do everything he can to salvage the relationship. All he needed to do was think before he spoke instead of being flippant and hurtful.
You can't compare it to making jokes within a happy relationship because this doesn't sound like one.

[chimp33]

To the posters who have deemed that I am a 'special snowflake, that I overreacted and am hard work and that I am emotionally abusive myself' then I can only read your comments for what they are - your personal opinions for which you are of course, completely entitled to. You are clearly made of sterner stuff than me, good for you!

To give a few examples of his behaviour over the years that would lead me to believe that he has been emotionally abusive towards me -

He has embarrassed myself and others in social situations on many occasions, yet hates the same being done to him. I should add, I have never done that to him but he experienced it a lot with work colleagues due to the nature of his job.
He has continually dismissed my ideas and opinions over the years and has treated me like a child
He has behaved very badly in front of my friends and family despite the fact that I lived quite an isolated life for many years, again due to the nature of his job. On the rare occasions I would have old university friends or family come up to stay, he would tell me he was jealous that my attention was on them and not him
Takes himself way too seriously, whereas I can absolutely laugh and take the piss out of myself. However, NOT on this occasion.
Has a history of being controlling and getting very moody regarding what we watch on tv, if I don't go up to bed WITH him. He has been needy and pressured me for sex and then reacted badly (moody/sullen) if he hasn't got it.
Has constantly made excuses for his behaviour and will always try to justify his actions
lacks empathy and compassion. When our son was born after a traumatic labour, one of the first things he said to me was how jealous he was going to be of the baby.

FWIW his therapist identified that he is passive aggressive and has been emotionally abusive based on things that HE has told her. I have had no influence over what has been discussed at these sessions.

[TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross]

Fucking hell, the handmaidens are out in force this morning.

You have a lot of female servants, do you, AnotherEmma?

[NameChange30]

OP



Have you had any counselling yourself?
Ever read Lundy Bancroft?

[Isetan]

This is who he is, I think you need to accept him fo who he is and stop expecting him to be someone else. Stop giving him opportunities to hurt you, you have choices and you need to start making better ones.

[MimsyPimsy]

I feel a bit uncomfortable about what the therapist has told him then being used as evidence against him. Sometimes people are just unsuited.

[AntiqueSinger]

Then leave. If he's so awful. Just leave. You sound exhausted to the point that little things are now hugely vexing. Once it gets to that point you're instincts are right and it's time to leave for pastures new.

[Joysmum]

Wow you know all posters

No, but I know not to judge the reactions of others based on my current good relationship which is what has been happening on this thread and the OP insulted as a result of this.

[Isetan]

There isn't a parallel universe where he's different and handwringing isn't an effective catalyst for change. Move on before you enable him to crush your spirit further.

[seven201]

You are looking for justification to leave him. You have listed his bad points. I wouldn't put up with a man like that. Leave him.

[GeekLove]

You are not overreacting at all. What you said about his relationship with other women in his life is highly revealing - he doesn't see women as real people whatever he might say.

Think of this as he has told you who he is. I had a similar PA EA Dp and spent the last two miserable months tying myself in knots until he dumped me. What made it worse was that he was so happy just afterwards... until he realised I was not going to massage his ego, pacify his sulks, put his emotional need above mine, cook for him or make sure he got up in time for lectures.

It would be best to work on yourself from now on and focus on detatching. Life is too short to live in a shit marriage.
He will try and reel you in again when he realises you are not going to guild his ego, pacify him or do his domestic shitwork any more.

[chimp33]

Thank you to those posters who have shown me compassion and understanding, I really appreciate it.

[growapear]

JoysMum

No, but I know not to judge the reactions of others based on my current good relationship

What makes you think that no one other than those who agree the OP's partner is a loser has no experience of anything other than a good relationship and is unable to empathise with people in a bad relationship ?


FWIW - his backstory doesn't sound great, but I'm sure he would see it differently. For me, biggest "red flag" is his comment about being jealous of his kid, that's not defensible.

I don't see why you would be "angry" about sleeping with him, this in itself suggests an unhealthy relationship. Like he's just trying to con you to get sex, it suggests a very low opinion of him already.

There is an underlying tone that the only person responsible for the relationship problems is him, and that he has attempted to improve things but fell short of your expectations. I think that is why some posters are critical of you OP.

[MatildaTheCat]

Some people just are what they are for whatever reason. I very much doubt that therapy will change him in any fundamental way. If you aren't happy, and you have given ample evidence why that would be justified, you can just call time on the marriage.

I can't see him taking this well so if you do decide to end it plan well and make sure he can't make your life harder than it needs to be.

Good luck. Just for the record you are not acting the Special Snowflake and I have a very high tolerance for such stuff. He's not a very nice man.

[FishyWishies]

I too don't believe he can ever be the person you want.

He simply doesn't have it in him.

[Bluntness100]

I think the way I read it is uou are detailing all his faults and uou won't give him an inch, which is fair if the situation has escalated to this level where it's beyond salvage.

However what I'm not seeing is what faults you have. This appears to be what some others are seeing as well. No one is perfect, no one handles a relationship perfectly, no one is without fault. However at no stage do you seem able to attribute any fault in the relationship breakdown to yourself.

In fact uou do the opposite, you paint yourself as pretty faultless and generally quite fab. Which may be true, but often relationship break downs take two people and sometimes examining our own behaviour helps.

I agree with the other posters who said it's the end though, I think uou wish him to be someone he's not, and that will never work.

[HuskyLover1]

I have literally spent years trying to decipher his behaviour, help him to become more self aware, point out repeatedly what is and is not appropriate and understand his emotions, listen to him talk about his therapy sessions and what he is understanding about himself, be there for him emotionally etc whilst getting bugger all in return

This sounds exhausting for you both. You are constantly trying to change who he is, and it can't be easy for him to be constantly analysed and criticised.

Personally, I don't agree with therapy. I've seen it make people worse, as they rake over the past. It involves analysing oneself all the time. Yawn. But hey, maybe that's just me.

It boils down to this - you are he are not emotionally compatable. I'm amazed you got married. You must have been totally in love with him at one point. Has he fundamentally changed?

[Smyla]

Blimey, it's all good hiding behind your iPhone typing your opinions but you are writing to a person who has clearly taken the step to ask for help. Go easy, be thoughtful and if you genuinely can't be supportive or remotely kind then don't bother writing at all.

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

Bluntness100 Stop being so nasty. I don't see any of that at all. This board is a place to support others who are at a crisis point in their lives and relationship. They don't come here for character assassinations.

OP I have no idea why so many are misreading what you are saying, and minimising what you are feeling. Does you husband know you use Mumsnet?

[hermione2016]

Antiquesinger has given a very good post.Try to take a different perspective but if at the end of this you feel you don't want to be with him then just end the marriage.

Maybe past experience is making you very emotionally reactive but if you agreed to try again you need to start with a clean sheet.Let the little things go, look at the intent behind words or actions.

He was upset that you were upset, perhaps he's not articulating exactly as you want but he is trying and that should be valued.

[hermione2016]

Also consider your emotional triggers, "completely humiliated" is your feeling related to your thoughts which may have some history.CBT could help with training your mind not to so reactive.

[growapear]

Feck

So you're saying that because you don't see that, anyone else who does should get off the thread ? And FWIW people get ripped to shreds on these forums all the time, there is another thread right now where the OP is getting a hard time, I'll look for your post there telling everyone to pipe down and given him a break...

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Does you husband know you use Mumsnet?

Strange question to ask.