I feel completely humiliated

[chimp33]

My marriage has been in trouble for a while. 6 weeks ago I told my husband that I wanted a divorce as I considered him to be a classic passive aggressive and that I felt he had been emotionally abusing me for a long period of time. He begged me to give him another chance and said that he wanted to start individual therapy to deal with his issues.

I was vary wary, given all that's happened over the years and told him that we would need to keep a distance, that we would need to sleep in separate bedrooms and try to reconcile some kind of friendly relationship over a period of time before we could even think about a physical relationship again, to which he agreed.

Anyway over the past six weeks we have had a few bumps in the road, which is to be expected I guess, but he began to discover things about himself through therapy and has opened up to me in a way I have never seen before and it has given me hope that our relationship could be salvaged.

Two nights ago we slept together for the first time. It was a big deal for me and I genuinely felt a strong emotional and physical connection with him and felt so happy that afterwards I told him I loved him. I have found it extremely difficult to say these words for a long time, due to the problems in our marriage and I know he has wanted me to say it for a long time. Anyway, his response was to tell me how cheesy I sounded...........

I felt absolutely humiliated and lay there in stunned silence for a few seconds before I slapped him on the back and asked why would he say something like that? He then said, oh I do love you. Then rolled over and went to sleep.

I feel so fucking angry with myself, firstly for sleeping with him and secondly telling him I loved him and putting myself into a position of complete vulnerability only to have him tell me that I sounded cheesy for saying it. I do not understand what would drive him to say that to me? he clearly can't show emotion despite telling me that he is desperate to have a close/emotional/intimate relationship. What the fuck does this man want from me? I feel like such a fool.

[HappyJanuary]

You should separate, you are both making each other miserable.

The 'trying' is all about what you want from the marriage and you are dictating all of the terms.

He has been sent to the spare room and is in therapy. What are you doing?

You are outraged that he agreed to no sex, but later admits that he misses it. Isn't he allowed to be honest?

When a text from him annoys you because he doesn't ask how you are, you're at the end of the road. Did he need to ask? Because it sounds like you'd already made your feelings pretty clear, and he was trying to tell you how he felt.

No idea how the 'cheesy' comment could have upset you so much, I sometimes think I must live in a parallel universe.

Separate so that he can stop walking on eggshells, and you can find a relationship that suits you better.

[Smyla]

From experience, a marriage without clear communication from both parties will never run smoothly. You sound more emotionally invested in the marriage than your husband and therefore ultimately the vulnerable party. I've been in counselling for over 3years and it's given me great strength in finding my voice, building up boundaries and stopping me from feeling guilty for others actions. You did what you felt in the moment, don't judge yourself or regret it. But I would say his response sounds flippant. He was more likely in need of a good shag than the emotional connection. Be honest with him, tell him his response was callous and how it's made you question the man he is and the marriage you have. Good luck, don't lose your voice, don't feel guilty and put some boundaries up if you feel he's not investing in you and the marriage.

[category12]

Of course it was upsetting - the op had just made herself vulnerable in a background of unhappiness between them, and he basically pulled the rug out from under her emotionally. If you are in a resilient place in a relationship where that passes for humour and you can mock your partner's emotions without causing harm, bully for you. But the op isn't in that place.

Op, I think, listen to your mother.

[NotYoda]

category12

Good post

[ThatsNoWayToSayGoodbye]

I don't understand the "we're not teenagers" comment. Are you suggesting that because you're in your 30s there's no room for silliness?

The wider context is so important here. It could be that, actually, there is nothing 'wrong' with either of you, you're just incompatible. He isn't as emotionally intelligent as you would like (a lot of people aren't, especially men because of the way our society socialises young boys) and you're too 'sensitive'/'high need' with all the talking and addressing issues (or whatever) for him.

To make it work, you're going to have to agree a 'safe place' forum; a designated time/place where you can both talk freely, and be listened to. Where neither of you interrupts/corrects/is dismissive of the other. If he doesn't want to, then you have an answer there anyway.

I see what DeathStare is saying; you feel that he has been flippant/jokey at a time that didn't warrant it, but you admit that you have also corrected him many times over the years.

It sounds emotionally exhausting for both of you. Some people are just not suited.

[greenfolder]

Written down it does sound like an over reaction. But surely this indicative of the rest of your relationship. It strikes me he is never going to make you happy. You are never going to relax just waiting for more bad behaviour. I'd move along if I were you.

[jules179]

This does sound like its exhausting for both of you, and he is most likely never going to be able to be the person you want him to be. Separating and moving on separately seems likely the best option here, it really shouldn't be this hard.

[Titstingle]

You sound like a special snowflake.
Me and DH sometimes get the giggles after sex or take the piss out of each other.

He sounds like he can't do anything right your eyes.

[Titstingle]

And I agree you should separate as you sound quite emotionally abusive towards him.

[TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross]

Your description of your relationship sounds utterly exhausting. You seem to be trying to re-make him into a completely different man. If he needs to change so much before you can be happy, what's the point? It's deeply unfair to him, and I'm not sure what you can be getting out of it either.

I think you should have stuck with your original decision to separate.

[growapear]

I can only go on what's been posted, it seems like perhaps the backstory is what makes this worse that it seems to me. But "on paper", he sounds like he made an effort, he went to therapy, he opened up, he fluffed his lines a bit, but given his issues.....he seemed genuinely upset to have got it wrong, he texted you saying he hoped you had a nice day, you didn't think this was good enough etc....would you have texted him ? You sound like hard work without the backstory. I get that he said a v stupid thing, but does he actually love you and care if you love him ? Sounds like he is maybe doing as much he is able to.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Your description of your relationship sounds utterly exhausting. You seem to be trying to re-make him into a completely different man. If he needs to change so much before you can be happy, what's the point? It's deeply unfair to him, and I'm not sure what you can be getting out of it either.

I agree.

No one seems to be happy or getting anything out of this relationship tbh.

[NameChange30]

FFS people, this is not AIBU.

OP, you are not overreacting or behaving like a "special snowflake". You've said enough to make it clear that there is a history of relationship problems and this wasn't a one-off.

However, perhaps you'd get better advice if you gave us some examples of the problems throughout your relationship? What aspects of his behaviour have particularly upset you over the years?

Would this list help?

Women don't always identify emotional abuse, at least not straight away, so if someone mentions it, I'm inclined to listen rather than dismiss it as some of you have.

[NotYoda]

AnotherEmma

I agree - it's not AIBU

Titsingle - name-calling on this board is so childish

[NameChange30]

Tits
"And I agree you should separate as you sound quite emotionally abusive towards him."
What the actual fuck?!

[Bluntness100]

I agee, written down, most of us see a massive over reaction and can't understand why you didn't make a joke back. It just maybe shows the different places you are in.

I would say that we are seeing your side. I wonder what his would be. There is three sides to every story, yours, his and the truth. In your version you are doing everything right and he is all at fault. What would he say? That you are demanding, that he can't do anything right, that you are over sensitive, that you don't care about his point of view, that you blow everything out of proportion, that you don't care or want to know how he feels, that it's all about uou?

As said, maybe there is three sides to this and I would sit down and think rationally about uour point of view, his and also maybe what the truth is.

[Joysmum]

You sound like a special snowflake.
Me and DH sometimes get the giggles after sex or take the piss out of each other

This isn't you in your happy relationship sweetheart

Context is everything and this happened in the context on an unhappy relationship where they are trying find the love again. That isn't to be taken the piss out of or judged in the context of a happy relationship.

Seriously, I'm amazed at how many posters aren't emotionally mature enough to understand that

[NameChange30]

Bluntness
"most of us see a massive over reaction"
Speak for yourself - I haven't counted all the responses but you are certainly not in the majority.

Joysmum
I agree.

[growapear]

It's an overreaction based on what's been posted, and shove off with your "anyone who disagrees with me is emotionally immature" bull thanks.

[TheNaze73]

I actually agree with him & would find it very cheesy.

Do you always over react like this? Calling this EA is a bit OTT

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

I don't think you are overreacting. As above, context is everything. I put up with stuff for years - money issues, drinking, cheating. I too set terms and demanded he make changes, and thought we were getting somewhere.

One evening we met up after work, with friends. He was there before me. He took the piss out of my trouser suit. Called me Charlie Chaplin. Then claimed he was joking when friends looked shocked and I didn't bother to hide that what he said had hurt and embarrassed me.
I've never forgotten how I felt. Sometimes it's the smaller things that are the turning point.
I actually looked really great, was enjoying me new job. I'd gone back to work, was starting to get financial freedom and confidence back. What he was doing was to reel me back in, then batter me back down again. It took me a little while longer. But eventually I told him no more. It was hard, but the best thing I ever did. He made me so unhappy, and he just didn't care.

[AntiqueSinger]

Sorry I'm with tits and others that you appear like hard work. You do seem to need your husband to be a completely different man. You insisted on separate rooms. He complied. You wanted him to be more open, and in your own words he has opened up to me in a way I have never seen before and it has given me hope that our relationship could be salvaged. You made love, you say it was so good you felt strongly physically and emotionally connected. But you had a script in your head about what the aftermath would be like. And when he didn't read your mind and give you the exact response you wanted you got upset. So much so for this one comment after an exhausting show of very fulfilling passion, you're reconsidering divorce. You have placed a very high expectation on how exactly everything should pan out. FWIW had my Dh said 'you sound so cheesy' it would turn into a playfight. Or I'd laugh and say do I? And maybe make a joke and cuddle up. If I was a bit miffed about him falling to sleep the next morning I'd probably playfully punch him on the arm the next morning, say 'hey what happened last night?' Request a repeat performance at some point with no sleeping or demand an evening out where he pays. Anything really that draws his attention to the fact it's not ok, but he can make up for it.

There comes a point O.P. where two people are supposed to give each a certain amount of leeway because they know each other and realise that certain mistakes are not deliberate and maliciously executed.

But you seem to have not given your husband the benefit of the doubt. In your eyes what he did was deliberate and intentionally callous, and that is why your response is so over the top. Within this interpretation, you feel humiliation and intensely let down, but it not your DH who is making you feel this way. It is you insisting on framing the narrative (in this incident at least) in a negative way instead of giving the benefit of the doubt.

If you have reached the place where every wrong step your partner makes is interpreted negatively and a que for separation , then separate, because it's horrible to the other person to feel that must be perfect 24/7. You sound incompatible with each other. He sounds too laid back for you. And saying what he did was EA is a big exaggeration.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Seriously, I'm amazed at how many posters aren't emotionally mature enough to understand that

Wow you know all posters.

Other posters are allowed to disagree with you.

[Myusernameismyusername]

I think it sounds pretty insensitive given the circumstances but then again I think that perhaps it was too soon for you both and you were, in the nicest way possible, meeting completely different needs. You wanted emotional intimacy and perhaps he wanted sexual intimacy/release, obviously the fact he still wants and desires that with you is good in itself but sex doesn't always bring people closer together when there are issues with trust - trusting him with your emotions. I think he needs to acknowledge you feel vulnerable to effectively being emotionally rejected (the rights and wrongs of this are irrelevant as it's OP's feelings here) and I really do advise that you don't try to find emotional intimacy via full sex until you feel the trust has returned. It sounds like he could also do with learning the difference between sex and intimacy, so intimate moments could be kissing/cuddling and touching, enough to generate that bond between you but learning about what each of you get from this.

He is working on himself, so you have to decide whether this just isn't enough for you. Perhaps you just aren't right together and don't understand each other's needs and emotions

I equally flap when in a very intimate setting and can feel that I don't want to show my vulnerable side, it's likely something crappy can come out of my mouth too even though I don't mean it.

But if he is EA and has no awareness of this, then I think you need to rethink your position

[NameChange30]

Fucking hell, the handmaidens are out in force this morning.