Need urgent advice please. Serious issue

[Namechangeemergency]

Hi. Obvious name change for this.
I have been on MN for years. I don't mind people knowing who I am but I don't want this linked to other stuff and I will be asking MN to delete my history if that is possible.

If you work out who I am that is ok but please don't mention my MN NN. I have had it for years.

I have a DS who is adopted. His birth mother is related to us.
My DS is extremely vulnerable. He has ASD and LDs. He has complex issues.

Last night at 2am his birth mother, grandmother and half sister (a young child) turned up on my doorstep demanding to talk. As if it was a normal time to turn up.
I didn't speak to them but my OH tried to reason with them. They stared shouting and screaming and woke DS up who became very distraught and frightened.

I called the police and they responded quickly and took it all very seriously.

I really need some advice on how to get an injunction and what sort of order I need. The police told me I need something so he can arrest her if she does it again.
I cannot stress the huge impact this sort of thing will have on my DS. He is beside himself and thinks she is going to take him.
We have tried to maintain relationships over the years but her behaviour is so dangerous and erratic its been impossible.
DS is legally adopted. There is no contact order in place because BM refused to cooperate despite me advising her it was important for the future.
We had nothing to do with him being removed. We just stood in when he was going to be put into foster care and he has been with us since he was 8 weeks old.

I need to get this sorted asap but I dont know where to start.
Is there anyone with professional knowledge who would be willing to help us? I know its a lot to ask but just some pointers would be of help.

This is a woman who sent me texts when my DD was terminally ill, wishing she would hurry up and die.
I had to have police at the funeral to stop her turning up and causing trouble.
I have never had an argument, slagged her off to DS or caused any sort of trouble with them. I concentrate on what is best for DS.

She is incapable of doing that.

Best wishes from me too, OP. It sounds like you're doing all the right things to keep your DS happy and safe.

I've enjoyed reading your posts on MN for years, they are witty and compassionate and wise, and I can't help hoping you're stick around MN in some guise or other (even though I'm sure that's not your major concern at the moment).

YOU stick not 'you're'!

SS won't help. Flat out refuse.
Birth mum has reported me to SS for neglect.

CAB has given me some advice.
I know I should just get on and sort it for myself but I just wanted for ONCE for someone to say 'c'mon, this is too much for you, let me do it'.

Fat chance. No chance.

That stinks. Ridiculous behaviour from bm, abdication of responsibility by two boroughs presumably and no help :(
Again, I recognise you. You will keep your boy safe because you are you.

Hi OP, just popping on, because I have recently been through the non mol process.
National domestic violence helpline will do a free emergency application for you and can also come to court with you. Please do call them.

Good luck x

Thank you.
Do you think they will get involved with my sort of circumstances?

I am sorry you have had to go through that. Much worse for you

I think so, you would be an associated person.
I would give them a call and ask.
If not, it's fairly simple - fill in the form and complete a witness statement that you attach to it. You take it to he court and in my case (emergency) you sit in front of the judge there and then!

Do they call you randomly to court or is there a chance of an appointment?
A few weeks ago it wouldn't have mattered but with my new job I am worried.
Not that they would refuse me time but I really don't want to be having to disclose this crap so early on!
I would at least like them to get to know me before they realise how complicated my life is

It depends if you are applying for an emergency (ex parte - without notice) or for a standard. With a standard I think usually all the information is sent to the respondent, with a court date and time. With emergency you take the paperwork in and they get you in to see the judge that day.

I was going to do the emergency one and that might work out better if I can take it. I don't want to give them the opportunity to turn up in court. They would love that

I think you need emergebcy anyway because the risk of emotional harm is so high for your son.

Definitely call NCDV though - they do it all for you.
Do you have their number?

Hi OP. sorry about all the drama in your life. While it sounds like the non mol order is the way to go I just wanted to say that if she/ they re-appear again and cause any disturbance then the police may be able to deal with it as Harassment. They may have a reasonably informal procedure of warning them away ( we used to have a harassment warning form we would serve) or they could actually arrest and interview her if the behaviour warranted it. If that were to happen she could have bailed conditions imposed not to contact any of you again or come in a certain geographical location etc. The fact that they attended should have triggered a referral to SS for your children and for the child who came with them. This is routine. If there is any further contact with the birth mother make a note of the dates and times and record any offensive / abusive language as precisely as possible ( don't paraphrase). Obviously if they are threatening or you're nervous then call 999 immediately. Good luck.

Thanks both.

I am getting a contact from adoption support tomorrow. I can't go into details but I bought up the photograph with someone and this triggered a better response than the previous one.

I shall see what they say and go from there. I will call them mooey.

spirited does the malicious report to SS count as harassment? I don't really want to hang about in case they kick off again. I can handle it but DS can't. He is a vulnerable child and a repeat of last week would be very damaging, as it would be for his half sibling AND our other DCs.

The PC did a MERLIN for us and for the birth family. Ours didn't trigger any action because I had already called duty. I don't know what the other borough are doing but any action is likely to provoke Bm into further action so I want to get this sorted ASAP. Unfortunately I am time poor atm and OH really isn't able to get to court.

They will be loving all this. They like drama and the idea that they are causing pain. It doesn't matter to them that the child they profess to love so much is the one getting hurt.

Good luck and hope you can quickly sort this out . You are doing everything you can for your son as you always have and this must be so hard for all of you xx

Sorry OP I just saw your response. Yes any behaviour can be used if it is done deliberately to harass you. So malicious phone calls, posting stuff online, attending locations knowing you're there will all count. Legally they don't need to have a warning in order for the police to proceed but part of the legislation requires that the offender knows or should have known that their behaviour was harassing. The warning is sometimes given by the police to make it clear that the behaviour needs to stop and in the hope that there were be no further trouble ( it's not a formal case disposal so doesn't go on as a conviction or anything). If the behaviour continues after the warning the offender cannot argue that they didn't know. However the warning doesn't have to have been given in order for the police to proceed, particularly if the behaviour is ongoing or persistent. More serious cases can be dealt with as stalking which comes under the same piece of legislation. ( I've lost my link.....Protection from Harassement 1997 I think). There is confusingly another type of offence called Harrassment which is a public order offence happening in public places - it's used quite commonly by police to deal with disturbances on the street. I'm telling you that in case you have a conversation with police again ( they might try to default to that offence since they use it more often but it's not right for these circumstances). I think the SS have some responsibility here since the publicity in the paper seems to have triggered this latest behaviour and since this was a looked after child ( yes?). I would certainly be looking to make a complaint but I would be going to a higher level since this perhaps points to a failing of their procedures rather than an individual error. I hope that this is useful? Please make a note of any annoying or distressing behaviour and be as specific as you can re the dates and times and what was done. i hope it works out for you all. You have done a wonderful thing for this child X

Re read your last message. The merlin for your child has gone to SS but it has already been dealt with by the duty team? So there is no ASW in this case for your child? Ok so if you had a ASW from the adoption team perhaps they can contact the duty team for the other borough and see whether an assessment is being done. really a one off " argument" is unlikely to trigger a full S47 enquiry ( I would imagine) so you probably need the police to notify them that a crime is being / has been committed for which you need a crime report putting on an not just a Merlin. If this is an ongoing problem then there needs to be a strategy meeting since there is an issue of protecting your child ( even though there are no concerns about your parenting capacity). I really hope a social worker comes along to help here. My concern would be that this offence would not be seen as a child protection matter and would be screened into a local police CID unit who may not have the understanding of the joint working / child protection elements of this case. Sorry to waffle I'm working this through in my head as I type. Right, you need to contact the police and make sure that a crime report was put on for an offence eg harassment ( give them any other examples you may not have told them already). Make sure they're aware that there is a child with vulnerabilities and this is adoption related. The SS must have a role here so I would speak to someone from the authority about what they are going to do to help sort out the mess they've started.

Just a quick update Apologies if I am repeating anything.
I had an email last thing on Friday from local Post adoption. (PAS)
That wound me up immediately because I think its a shitty tactic to send out emails late on a Friday afternoon.

It wasn't a bad email. It told me to look on the law society's website and chose a lawyer (yep, thanks for that) and gave me contact details. It explained that as MASH felt there was no further action they didn't refer me to PAS so the email from my ex boss was the first they had heard of it.

I don't know if I mentioned that I emailed my ex boss to let them know what had happened as they had asked to be kept updated after the photograph issue.

I didn't reply until now. I honestly needed a break from it all.
I had spoken to a friend who had got advice from her lawyer friend and they said I was unlikely to meet criteria for an Emergency NonMol. This would mean the bm would get notice of the court proceedings.

I have decided that there is no way I would go ahead as the litigant. My OH would have to do it and he is not able to physically get to a court (unless there was guaranteed parking and the buildings were accessible which is unlikely in my area). He would also need a lot of support with forms etc.

I cannot be the 'name' on these proceedings. I am sick of being the focus for all their anger. Its ridiculous. I tried for over a year to help her keep her child and I gave my life over (I am not exaggerating) to meet the needs of HER and her child until the courts decided she couldn't have him back. Even then I tried everything in my power to get her to maintain contact.

They have rewritten history with me as the villain and I am bloody sick of it.
Anyway....I have asked for clarification as to our eligibility for PAS.
I have explained that I am not in a position to employ a lawyer for legal advice and I wanted someone to talk to about what to do, not just go for an order without discussion it!
I expressed my surprise at the lack of concern about this event from all parties.

Because I can't believe that it would be classed as anything other than significant ffs.

I don't know what will happen next. Frankly I am sick of it all.

Those women have never so much as thanked me for keeping our boy out of care. Its highly unlikely he would have been adopted by the time he was legally able to be.

They have never done anything to help him, support him or even put him first in anyway.
When I last invited the grand mother to visit she said 'no I can't, its too far'. and the bm wouldn't sign a contact agreement even when I urged her to to protect herself.

We have never bad mouthed her to DS or been negative in anyway other than to give him information about why she couldn't care for him.

I am done with it all now.
They don't deserve him. They don't care enough about him to put him first and if they had wanted to keep him he would still be with them.

He has seen what they are like now. We haven't had to slag them off. He saw them for himself.

So sorry lovely, you and your family don't deserve this.

Its just rubbish as well you know, no-one cares about the child in the middle of this it's all about box ticking

KOKO

I've just seen this thread. You are, as always, doing your very best under the most intolerable of circumstances. I hope your new job starts well.

Can you at least ask the police to put a flag on your name so that if you do need to contact them they respond urgently (as they do with some DV cases)?

Could you get more support from SS if you went down the 'Children with disabilities' branch rather than the PAS branch? Surely he's a Child in Need?

Job has been lovely thanks lougle
DS would't meet the threshold for SS.
The disabilities team are only working with the most complex children with care packages and safeguarding issues.
In all the years I was working alongside them I didn't manage to get any of my families a social worker.

Everything is stepped down to Early Help and I really don't want them involved. They have to do a massively long form for every family member (makes CAF forms look like a doddle). Then they offer you parenting classes . I really don't want that sort of intrusion.

I need legal help and adoption advice from someone with a lot of experience.

So far I just keep getting 'signposted' to inappropriate organisations. Its driving me mad. One positive, its made me even more determined not to fall into that trap with the families I work with.

So...bright side and all that

You always find the silver lining!