Marriage imploding but I desperately want it to survive

[Deflatedhusband]

First time on MN. A married dad (early 40s, 3DC - 11, 8, 5) who has known DW for 15 years and been married for 13.

The punchline is on Sunday evening she told me she was desperately unhappy in the marriage and wanted out. It came as a complete shock to me in some ways but in hindsight we had been having a very tough time in recent years.

Marriage has become functional, basically all about the kids, no romance. We both love each other dearly (I certainly love her and I think she still loves me) but she says there is an emotional void and she doesn't think the marriage can ever meet it. She said she had been suicidal frequently in recent months. She has suffered from
Depression but she said the suicidial thoughts were more driven by the emptiness and loneliness.

I fee awful. I feel that I have let her down massively and have been blind to her needs. I think (and she has said so) that I am a hard working, reliable husband and loving dad but I have clearly fallen well short on the emotional support for DW and I am devastated that I have let her get to such a state. She has repressed a lot in recent years and now it has spilled out.

One added complication is that it appears now that she has developed an intense online relationship with a man in another country (where she is from originally). We share the same computer and on Monday evening I logged on to check my email and her account was open. I casually looked at it as I was shutting the page and there were loads of email of a very graphic detail from a man I had never heard of before.

I was stunned and quickly scanned some of them to find pretty much pornographic language of what they wanted to do to each other and it sounded like they had been sexting etc.

My wife is a refined Cambridge postgrad and this guy appears to be a very working class tattooed chap. Someone I would have never expected her to go for. But I guess I have let her emotional tank run dry and this guy is filling it.

She also had booked a flight to go see him.

After I pulled myself together late on Monday I asked her if there was anyone else and she completely denied it. I then asked her about this guy (naming him). She was pretty unrepentant and said she had met him online and he was filling a void but she would never actually want to be with him.

Up until this point she and I have known each other's password and pins - that has now all changed. At least she has changed hers. I know they are still in contact and that is killing me, even though I brought this on myself by my failure as a husband.

I asked her if she would do marriage counselling and she said she would so hopefully we can pull back from the each. She has cancelled the flight (I think) which is something.

The thing is I really love her and I am devastated I have let her down. I want us to work and repair, even if it takes a long time. I don't know where she is at. She had always been a little dubous when it comes to the compete truth. I am not sure if the counselling is just a ploy to give her time to sort out leaving.

I really hope it isn't. We are still in the same house, things are surprisingly civil and cordial, and the kids have no idea.

I am not sure why I am here really. I have nowhere to turn I suppose. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks for listening.

You sound like a genuinely nice man, who adores his wife and family.

No one can, or will, blame you for wanting to believe the best in your wife. But you do need to protect yourself and your children now.

You say it's probably difficult to pull off in a half term but I can't rule it out.
You are banking on the fact that she will definitely be returning with them at the end of the holiday. You can't. Make sure you see a solicitor and have a safety net plan in place for if she doesn't.

There are several things going on here - she has breached trust and that is a very hard thing to pull back from. But, she has been deflected from reality by this other man whom she has never met in the flesh, as far as you know. It is not unusual for partners of either sex to have their heads turned by something that looks more exciting than the daily grind - we are all only human. If she has not put this fantasy into action - and she would find that the reality is nothing like as good as the fantasy - then there is hope for you both as a couple.

You are probably right that providing sufficient emotional support got sidelined by the business of being parents, but it is worth remembering that providing that support to someone who suffers from depression is very hard to do, so do not beat yourself up - I know - I suffered a depressive illness and no amount of support and kindness from those who loved me made a jot of difference as the illness takes over and you can only see the black side.

Is your wife actively depressed at the moment? Is she having proper treatment? If she is having suicidal thoughts still it is very important that she seeks the right treatment. And you have to realise that depression is hard for a partner to counter, however hard you might try.

It is also worrying that she is so far lost to reality that she really thinks this online fantasy might be capable of fulfilling her emotional needs - he is just a bit of "totty" that has turned her head because she is groping for a solution to how bad she feels. That would be my concern as someone who loves her - that she might burn her bridges and throw away what she has while she is depressed and the consequences for her well-being and safety could be very serious.

I think you need to continue to encourage her into the marriage counselling route- it may be that someone outside the situation might be able to assess how depressed she is and also help you to try and give some support, however challenging that is likely to be.

There is too much at stake here to just walk away and your instinct to try and pick up the pieces is the right one I think.

Oh FFS!!!

She doesn't have an "emotional void". She is a nasty little cheater who is trying to justify. The male equivalent is "my wife doesn't understand me" / "has let herself go" / "only cares about the children".

Real life with young children is tough. No shit Sherlock! And rather than say "I don't feel like we are spending much time together - we should get a babysitter this weekend and go out for dinner" she decided to send sexually explicit messages to some ra dimmer in the Internet.

Really not seeing at all why this is your fault.

Lawyer up, don't let her take the kids out of the country, get residence sorted, sell your house, get two decent sized places so you can share the kids. At the very least book half term off and suggest that either you go to Canada too or that she goes by herself. Do Not let the kids go abroad to a place where she has a support network and her shag man without you.

Having said that I think she needs help to overcome her depression and your instinct to try and put things together is the right one, I have to say that I do not think it would be wise to allow your wife to take the children abroad at the moment whilst it is clear that the balance of her mind is disturbed.

Your children need you to stay grounded in reality, to be the bigger person and to do all you can to salvage the situation for their sake. I am sorry that you find yourself in this mess. Your wife is unwell.

How awful for you. I certainly agree with the others that the best help at the moment would be some legal advice.

Repeat after me... Prohibited Steps Order, Prohibited Steps Order, Prohibited Steps Order.

Keep repeating it until you get one!! (and do it well before this trip).

Once you have one in place she can go on the trip, with or without (pref without) the DC but you'll find it one hell of a lot easier getting them back with it in place. Canada is a signatory to The Hague Convention I believe (but best check that yourself) but you want to establish things under U.K. jurisdiction and not potentially allow her to start a divorce in Canada.

Your marriage is over - get used to that quickly (sorry) and protect yourself and the kids. Take a half day off tomorrow and get in front of a solicitor.

Why do you think it will be 'difficult' for them to get together on this half-term trip? When is half-term anyway (I'm in the US)? Canada has an excellent transportation infrastructure, so unless he's somewhere in the Arctic Circle, getting together will be no problem. There are plenty of planes, trains, and automobiles!

And be aware that you only have to be separated 12 months to file for divorce in Canada.

Why are you letting your life fall to pieces as you sit ignoring the facts? Why?

Oh my lovely, you need to ensure that your wife does not take your children to Canada.

Please, please, you have to understand that Canada is an enormous place, the States is as enormous place, she could disappear with them SO EASILY and you would never, ever have a hope of seeing them again.

Is it likely she will run off with them? Maybe not. Is it possible? It is absolutely possible.

Please darling, wake up, take control, get angry. The marriage is over, and your wife is telling you out loud that (a) she is depressed/has had suicidal thoughts, i.e. isn't thinking clearly or rationally, (b) she has a less than intimate relationship with the truth, as you yourself describe, (c) she loves another man - never mind that, she even has form, she's cheated on you before!

SHE COULD TAKE YOUR CHILDREN. Please, for the love of God, do not allow her to go to Canada with them, unless you accompany her every step of the way.

If she wants to go and see Mr. Goldencock, let her go alone. She cannot take those children with her unless you are there too.

I have sympathy for her - she sounds down and confused - but she is also very, very selfish, to the point of pathology, and shockingly cruel. I have gasped out loud at some of the things you describe her doing. You can't trust a person who behaves as you describe, to take your children out of the country. You simply can't. Please get real (I mean that kindly) and get into action.

The central and most important thing here is that you are a parent - so is your wife, but she has lost sight of that. You must take all necessary advice to ensure the children's well-being.

Make sure YOU have got their passports somewhere safe

Take back your consent for the Canada trip, hide the kid's passports, and get thee to a lawyer!

Another thing you need to take into account OP, as well as this upcoming week in Canada at half-term, is that your wife, as a Canadian citizen with family and a potential boyfriend in Canada, may well try to take the DC there to live. You need to be prepared for that - not just mentally - but legally. I don't know if two trips to Canada in the space of five months is perfectly normal for her/the DC, but as someone with an American DH myself it seems like a lot (we manage a family trip to the US every two years or so). So is she building up, in her head, to moving back permanently? Since she's not thinking about you or your marriage any more she's a few steps ahead of you in her thinking and you need to catch up and start thinking about the issues that are bound to crop up in the next few months.

Hmm... this thread is marked by this repeated accusation that you are being a doormat...

I don't think it is as simple as that. I think probably what you say about not being good with feelings is the problem - created by sexism where men/boys are taught that it is desirable for them to never express emotion, to suppress it etc and not taught to recognise/interpret the feelings of others.

I do rather suspect that you chose each other for this reason, maybe subconsciously, you living vicariously through her wildness and her restricting herself through your repression.

It's a bad match though. You both need to be whole people. This has made your relationship transactional - you provide her with a stable set up and she provides you with a relationship without you having to actually 'relate'. There is no love in it.

I think this is why you seem so incredibly underwhelmed by her truly appalling behaviour lately and why she is so brazen. Feelings are her thing so when she told you cheating was fine and normal you just accepted that, at least on the surface anyway.

The kids of course feel the family is happy because it is the way they have been socialised to see a 'normal' relationship.

IMO you absolutely should split up, you should get a prohibited steps order to prevent her irresponsibly dragging the children into her mess with OM and you should certainly carry on with your individual counselling and expect her to work on becoming a responsible parent - though there is nothing you can do to actually make this happen, you can only protect the dc from the worst of her potential behaviour.

If the kids continue believing this relationship is what a happy relationship looks like then they will end up in fucked up relationships too eventually.

You really need to get in touch with YOUR feelings and start expressing them but I think give up on this relationship. It is a bad one.

Just for the heck of it, OP, are there small things or papers about the house that you firmly believe your wife would never leave behind if she were to abscond? Photos? Jewelry? Sentimental items? Important documents?

If I were you, I'd keep an eye on those things both now and when she starts packing to see if they disappear. May be a large clue that she doesn't plan on coming back.

The other man is a conduit for her depression and emptiness. I don't think it's cheating and I don't think she has emotionally checked out. To be honest if she went and met this man the reality would hit home quick. I think your marriage is saveable and you are doing the right things. Have patience, I've been her and if my partner had responded the way you did I don't think we'd be separating now 3 years on.

She'd booked a flight to go and meet up with him before the OP found out rosa. She's told the OM that she wants to 'make love' to him. It would appear that nothing physical has happened (yet), but it sounds like that's only because it's so difficult because of distance. And he could travel to meet up with her when she's over in Canada.

The other man is a conduit for her depression and emptiness. I don't think it's cheating and I don't think she has emotionally checked out

Really? I think you're either being incredibly generous there Roasabug or you've not read the various updates from the OP.

Please go to a solicitor tomorrow OP. Find the kids' passports (tonight) and then get the PSO done. Otherwise you'll be one of the many that come back on here in 2-3 months time saying "I wish I'd listened / taken that action / not been so willing to assume the best"

Honestly, I know what I'm talking about - I assumed the best and it made it 10 times worse when I realised I shouldn't have

Rosabug I seriously doubt you would be saying that if this was the other way around, and a woman was posting this about her husband.

Hi - I made a comment when I had only read the first page! I can see it's a lot worse than I'd first perceived. She is playing a dangerous game, she has no real idea what this man is like - none at all, she's an inexperienced lonely housewife. This guy could be anything and almost certainly he will not be what she thinks he is. There's a good chance he preys upon vulnerable women and has 2 or 3 on the go - she hasn't got a bloody clue, believe me. It's ridiculous to think you have fallen in love with a a heap of typing and maybe a few phone calls. She needs a strong reality check and no more pandering. Let her go to canada (sans children) and find out it's all a great big illusion. She may sleep with him, but is that really such a big deal? if she learns an important lesson about love. It's an addiction to an illusion and perhaps you are unwittingly enabling her - you have become a part in emotional triangle she is playing out. I do hope this ends well for you both.

I actually think you shouldn't have bothered commenting Rosa.

You make it sound like she's a teenager who should be allowed a free pass to go off and "explore her sexuality".

That's bullshit. She's not "inexperienced".
She's taking advantage of the OP's fear of losing his family and trampling all over him and his feelings with absolutely no regard to what effect this is having on their family.

Mental health issues are no excuse for this behaviour. If she was an alcoholic who had mown down a child while drunk driving you wouldn't be sat there with this "it's not her fault she's ill" attitude.

He has made his feelings clear, and she has repeatedly lied to his face. When does he get to draw the line, say enough is enough, and start to protect himself and his children from the damage she is causing?

No you shouldn't have bothered commenting madg. She's totally inexperienced in the world of online 'relationships'. Totally.

"mental health are no excuses for this behaviour" - good grief. You'll be suggesting she is put in the stocks and have vegetables pelted at her next.

Read the Daily Mail by any chance?

Mental health issues are no excuse for this behaviour. If she was an alcoholic who had mown down a child while drunk driving you wouldn't be sat there with this "it's not her fault she's ill" attitude.

I agree, and I'm someone who has experienced horrible MH problems. rosabug; your latest post makes no sense at all.

Wise words rosa.

DeflatedHusband I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with others who have said that you're blaming yourself unfairly. Your wife is the one responsible for the breakdown of your relationship, by cheating. If you guys were having problems she should have addressed them, and, if that didn't work, honestly and openly end your relationship before starting on another.

But mainly I'm chipping in to echo what PaterPower posted. You need to make sure 100% that your wife cannot possibly just stay in Canada with the kids. If she divorces you from Canada and stays here (I'm writing this from in Canada) the child support you will be required to pay makes your assumption that "She would have no way of paying for them long term" totally void.