Marriage imploding but I desperately want it to survive

[Deflatedhusband]

First time on MN. A married dad (early 40s, 3DC - 11, 8, 5) who has known DW for 15 years and been married for 13.

The punchline is on Sunday evening she told me she was desperately unhappy in the marriage and wanted out. It came as a complete shock to me in some ways but in hindsight we had been having a very tough time in recent years.

Marriage has become functional, basically all about the kids, no romance. We both love each other dearly (I certainly love her and I think she still loves me) but she says there is an emotional void and she doesn't think the marriage can ever meet it. She said she had been suicidal frequently in recent months. She has suffered from
Depression but she said the suicidial thoughts were more driven by the emptiness and loneliness.

I fee awful. I feel that I have let her down massively and have been blind to her needs. I think (and she has said so) that I am a hard working, reliable husband and loving dad but I have clearly fallen well short on the emotional support for DW and I am devastated that I have let her get to such a state. She has repressed a lot in recent years and now it has spilled out.

One added complication is that it appears now that she has developed an intense online relationship with a man in another country (where she is from originally). We share the same computer and on Monday evening I logged on to check my email and her account was open. I casually looked at it as I was shutting the page and there were loads of email of a very graphic detail from a man I had never heard of before.

I was stunned and quickly scanned some of them to find pretty much pornographic language of what they wanted to do to each other and it sounded like they had been sexting etc.

My wife is a refined Cambridge postgrad and this guy appears to be a very working class tattooed chap. Someone I would have never expected her to go for. But I guess I have let her emotional tank run dry and this guy is filling it.

She also had booked a flight to go see him.

After I pulled myself together late on Monday I asked her if there was anyone else and she completely denied it. I then asked her about this guy (naming him). She was pretty unrepentant and said she had met him online and he was filling a void but she would never actually want to be with him.

Up until this point she and I have known each other's password and pins - that has now all changed. At least she has changed hers. I know they are still in contact and that is killing me, even though I brought this on myself by my failure as a husband.

I asked her if she would do marriage counselling and she said she would so hopefully we can pull back from the each. She has cancelled the flight (I think) which is something.

The thing is I really love her and I am devastated I have let her down. I want us to work and repair, even if it takes a long time. I don't know where she is at. She had always been a little dubous when it comes to the compete truth. I am not sure if the counselling is just a ploy to give her time to sort out leaving.

I really hope it isn't. We are still in the same house, things are surprisingly civil and cordial, and the kids have no idea.

I am not sure why I am here really. I have nowhere to turn I suppose. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks for listening.

You're being to soft and to her come across as weak. She isn't finding that attractive.

You need to read 'no more Mr nice guy' , by Robert Glover.

Until she gets a swift realisation that you won't take this nonsense, she'll continue to trample over you. Your wife is effectively telling you she wants a husband and a boyfriend. Would she be okay if you had a GF too?

Time to find your b**ls and stop her trying to make you a cuckold.

BTW a SAHM becomes a big liability in your situation and will cost you quite a bit. She needs a job as she obviously has too much time on her hands.

Google and read up the 180 on infidelity.

I'm really sorry to read your update op.. her behaviour is disgusting. I hope you find the strength to end this marriage. You and your children deserve better.

I think the key here is in your title, you 'desperately want it to survive'. You are desperate, she is not. She's not even vaguely trying to move on from this guy. I agree with everyone, it's not emotional support she is getting, but attention and sex talk, so I wouldn't beat yourself up any longer, but I would get a lawyer for some advice on what to do next.

This is a classic case of 'the person who cares the least, has the most power'

Up till now she's had no consequences. You might want to change that.

I'm so, so sorry.

But I have to admit that I would be questioning her "accidentally" forgetting to log out. There is a chance it's deliberate, because she wants you to see those messages.

You sounds thoroughly decent and hardworking. As a pp said, you shouldn't have to put up with this shit.

Is she having a mid-life crisis?

Can you get some real life support, such as a counsellor or a friend to talk to It sounds quite isolating. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. And you don't sound too unromantic to me - flowers, remember birthdays, provider by working, doing your share at home. Most women would be pretty happy with that.

Thanks everyone.

In terms of real life support I don't really have any and is in part why I have come on MN to get some impartial thoughts.

I have started seeing a counsellor and she is very empathetic but I don't think she is likely to give me real advice on what to do. Early days though I guess.

I am very nervous about turning to friends as our social circle is pretty much the same. If I told a male friend about the situation it would inevitably result in him having a negative view of my wife and I don't want to do that in case we actually sort things out. And most of my male friends are married to friends of my wife, so I would guess there would be some inevitable leakage to them.

My wife has this affair guy plus her brother in Canada who she is also constantly messaging. Her brother cheated on his wife in 2016 and has messed up that family completely so he has not exactly been a helpful advocate for married life.

Sorry OP, I've been the cheated on guy in an "emotional" affair (no such actual distinction)

You MUST sort the DC situation out first - I would do that before you speak to her about the messages. She has no intention of saving the marriage and you need to accept it's now over. Your wellbeing and that of your kids are the only things you should focus on.

Talk to CAB and (preferably) a solicitor. Tell them about the flight risk and get a prohibited steps order in place asap. If you have access to them, find and keep hold of your kids' passports. Do NOT think she will be reasonable / play fair.

Get good legal advice and follow it. To the letter. Try not to self litigate unless you have absolutely no other choice. Tell your boss NOW so they know you won't be on top of your game for a few months (at least).

The way I see this playing out is she'll dump the kids abroad with her mum whilst she pursues her sordid little fantasy. She won't care about what's best for anyone bar herself, and that includes your DC. Once they're abroad it'll be very expensive to fight and emotionally devastating not to see them for the months/years it'll take to get them repatriated. Better to make it as difficult as possible to come to pass.

Good luck and sorry to say, but this will all get much much worse yet. Good friends you can bitch, moan and rail at will be worth their weight in gold. If you've got them, start filling them in now, so they'll be ready.

I have started seeing a counsellor and she is very empathetic but I don't think she is likely to give me real advice on what to do

Counsellors don't give advice. Their role is to help you with what you want as an outcome or resolution. They won't tell you what to do.

Your wife has checked out of the marriage and is deep in the affair fog fantasy right now.

The 180 will help you detach from her and prepare for a life without her. Focus on your children.

One BH said this to his WW " You can do what you want. I'm not your dad and I'm not grounding you. You're free to see other men if you want, but not as my wife"

Stop trying to protect her. She is not a child. She got herself into this mess, she is adult enough to deal with the repercussions.
You need your friends support. Christ, if anything, maybe a little condemnation and censure from her friends may finally make the reality of the situation hit.

And you need to face up to the reality of the fact that right now, there will be no saving of this situation. You have given your wife an ultimatum and she's still lying and sneaking around. There is no working it out.

Yes it hurts and my words may sound harsh, but you're deluding yourself. That's not fair on you or your children. They deserve to grow up in a home(s) that isn't tainted by betrayal and lying. You deserve to be free of someone who blantantly doesn't even respect you, let alone love you.

Stop being a doormat.

OP - I understand the leakage issue but you need to get to grips with the fact this "marriage" is already over.

Print the conversations next time she leaves herself logged on. They might help you establish the flight risk for the PSO.

You've been reasonable - way more than you needed to be - and she's shat all over you and her vows. Now you need to protect yourself and the kids. She's not looking out for them, so you need to.

Get evidence, get advice, get shot.

She is taking the kids to Canada over half term without me. That trip was booked recently albeit with my consent - it's hard to fight the emotional argument that the kids need to see their grandmother.

She does say that she thinks I am generally the better parent and I don't think she is so out of her mind that she would take them and run. She would have no way of paying for them long term if she did and she has become very accustomlsed to a comfortable lifestyle. Her mum has a small house and no real savings of note.

I would be destroyed if I lose the kids. Even the thought of going to 50:50 breaks me up. I should consult a lawyer.

Has she visited the Dr? What you describe sounds so ridiculous and obsessive that I'm not sure she's in her right mind. She hasn't met this person? Its like a compulsion that she can't stop, its more like an addiction than an affair - its all nonsense and the other person might not even exist. I dont think she's well.

I should consult a lawyer
This is the most sensible thing you've said in a little while.
I absolutely admire you for wanting to keep it together.
And not wanting to lose ANY kind of contact with your DC.
But... YES, lawyer up and do it fast.
Before she goes off for half term.
Get something drawn up to ensure she comes back with the kids.

I agree with everyone, now is the time to pull your head out of the sand. I hadn't thought of the child abroad issue, but you have to stop thinking things like 'she says I'm the better parent' and waffly crap like that. It means nothing, and if she has the children in Canada, sees she has support and sees this other guy, then staying there may look tempting. It may not, but don't leave it down to her goodwill. Do see a lawyer and get some advice on how to proceed.

RickJ

She has suffered from depression for most of her life and is currently depressed (but isn't going to see anyone about it).

It absolutely seems like a compulsion and I worry she will always be drawn to this guy, even if we were able to improve our own relationship.

In general she lacks self control and discipline - which makes me nervous that she will ever be able to stop this thrill-seeking addiction.

My wife has this affair guy plus her brother in Canada

She is taking the kids to Canada over half term without me.

She would have no way of paying for them long term...she has become very accustomlsed to a comfortable lifestyle. Her mum has a small house and no real savings of note.

I think you really need to wake up. Your life is imploding, you have a very real chance of losing your children, and you are simply sitting there watching it happen.

It sounds to me as if she has a pretty good support system in Canada. Do you realize that many people would think a 'comfortable lifestyle' is well lost for the sake of 'true love'? Why would you think she'd only have her mum to rely on? What about her brother? Do you know anything about the finances of OM? Do you think for one moment that she won't seek at the very least child maintenance but at the most 1/2 of the marital assets?

See a solicitor, right now. See one with experience in international custody issues.

I have just read this thread and have been wanting someone to say 'get lawyered up' since page 2

Thank goodness they are and you have taken note.

She has been 'hankering after home' with this 'affaire' for some time and half term may be the turning point, if it has not already happened.

Take your share of responsibility for the children from now on - do not delegate it (like when she was going to go away and had organised pick-ups and care for the children in her absence - that is your job when she is not there and shared when she is.)

And take advice from a family lawyer and see if you can find one with experience of the country in question so that you have proper legal position and rights of the children in place before anything kicks off, and their welfare is foremost.

You do not have to chuck in the counselling - it can be used to help you break up as well as to help you stay together.

You should definitely consult a solicitor immediately! Your wife is totally taking the piss and getting everything her own way so far. Trip to Canada in Oct? Another one in Feb? All paid for by you, I presume, since she doesn't have a job. And meanwhile she continues to have an emotional affair that she's just dying to make into a proper one and you're still sadly hoping things can be salvaged.

Please OP realise right now that your marriage is over. Your wife has emotionally checked out. She doesn't care and whatever she says she doesn't love you - if he did then she wouldn't be behaving in the vile, selfish manner in which she has been. All this depression business is clouding your judgement. Yes, she may be depressed, but no it doesn't excuse her behaviour - not one iota!

You need legal advice right now and you need to consider whether you're really happy for your DC to go to Canada in Feb with this person who's hell bent on screwing some guy who isn't you. You simply have to protect yourself (and your kids). And please reach out - to your own family, siblings, old friends, etc. Anyone who you can count on to be on YOUR side in all of this and particularly those who you know will give you good advice.

I would also say, being married to an engineer, and therefore knowing a fair few, that dealing with the "What Is", in the here and now, is their strength, rather than the what might be or what should be. So use that strength.

I can only echo the above.

As I read on another thread about a posters husband walking out she is not your friend. You need to stop thinking that she will behave rationally or fairly. You need to proactively protect yourself.

It is better that you act cautiously and put measures in place about what you will and can do if she were to decide to stay out there with the kids, than to have to react and chase her through courts out there because she is refusing to bring your children back.

Is the affair guy in Canada?

If so, you can bet your life she'll be meeting up with him.

He is in Canada, albeit the other side and in a very remote part. It's probably difficult to pull it on the half term trip but I can't rule it out. And even if she doesn't do it this time I am sure she will engineer an other trip on her own to see her mum and probably do to then.

I. Am. Such. A. Slow. Learner.

As I type these words I realise how daft I am in all this. I love her so much but I am being taken for such a fool.

I love our little family - I can't believe it's being ripped apart. The poor kids will be so devastated. They simply won't understand why we are splitting, which now looks like the most logical outcome. They have only ever seen us as a happy family.

When you're in love...or rather, when you have loved someone so much, and you care for them so much, you are willing to make compromises, sacrifices that you wouldn't make under any rational circumstances. When the emotions and focus of your partner has digressed from you - you play the blind eye. When she is at fault, you do not blame her - you blame yourself for allowing the situation to happen.

I've been here.

I'm sorry to say that an extricable outcome here is fait accompli. The damage has been done.

She is not acting like your wife. But she will always be the mother to your children.For the sake of your sanity - and your family, focus on legal advice and a most amicable outcome for being a father and friend - but not a husband. This will be done with a lot of pain and hurt, but it's the right move.

You sound like a really nice guy op but I think from that message your marriage is over. Lawyer up! I'd also be tempted to make sure she doesn't have access to vast amounts of cash in case she drains the accounts (I'd be saying the say regardless of gender). Especially as she's off to Canada.