Marriage imploding but I desperately want it to survive

[Deflatedhusband]

First time on MN. A married dad (early 40s, 3DC - 11, 8, 5) who has known DW for 15 years and been married for 13.

The punchline is on Sunday evening she told me she was desperately unhappy in the marriage and wanted out. It came as a complete shock to me in some ways but in hindsight we had been having a very tough time in recent years.

Marriage has become functional, basically all about the kids, no romance. We both love each other dearly (I certainly love her and I think she still loves me) but she says there is an emotional void and she doesn't think the marriage can ever meet it. She said she had been suicidal frequently in recent months. She has suffered from
Depression but she said the suicidial thoughts were more driven by the emptiness and loneliness.

I fee awful. I feel that I have let her down massively and have been blind to her needs. I think (and she has said so) that I am a hard working, reliable husband and loving dad but I have clearly fallen well short on the emotional support for DW and I am devastated that I have let her get to such a state. She has repressed a lot in recent years and now it has spilled out.

One added complication is that it appears now that she has developed an intense online relationship with a man in another country (where she is from originally). We share the same computer and on Monday evening I logged on to check my email and her account was open. I casually looked at it as I was shutting the page and there were loads of email of a very graphic detail from a man I had never heard of before.

I was stunned and quickly scanned some of them to find pretty much pornographic language of what they wanted to do to each other and it sounded like they had been sexting etc.

My wife is a refined Cambridge postgrad and this guy appears to be a very working class tattooed chap. Someone I would have never expected her to go for. But I guess I have let her emotional tank run dry and this guy is filling it.

She also had booked a flight to go see him.

After I pulled myself together late on Monday I asked her if there was anyone else and she completely denied it. I then asked her about this guy (naming him). She was pretty unrepentant and said she had met him online and he was filling a void but she would never actually want to be with him.

Up until this point she and I have known each other's password and pins - that has now all changed. At least she has changed hers. I know they are still in contact and that is killing me, even though I brought this on myself by my failure as a husband.

I asked her if she would do marriage counselling and she said she would so hopefully we can pull back from the each. She has cancelled the flight (I think) which is something.

The thing is I really love her and I am devastated I have let her down. I want us to work and repair, even if it takes a long time. I don't know where she is at. She had always been a little dubous when it comes to the compete truth. I am not sure if the counselling is just a ploy to give her time to sort out leaving.

I really hope it isn't. We are still in the same house, things are surprisingly civil and cordial, and the kids have no idea.

I am not sure why I am here really. I have nowhere to turn I suppose. Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks for listening.

Do you think that she's planning to fly out to be with this guy next week?

Winky

I have encouraged her to take a weekend away to clear her head. She may do that. I have made it clear that she should not go to see the other man and that she needs to stop communicating with him.

I know she won't for now as she seems caught up in it like a teenager but I am hoping that with some counselling we work it out and she is weaned off him.

As I type that I realise I sound weak and desperate. I am normally not - I manage a large team at more and am usually quite decisive.

I am not sure winky. She now says she won't but I have lost trust in her words. A part of me half expects to arrive home some day next week and be met by a babysitter.

I don't even know what day she was planning to fly. I just see the charge on the credit card.

Okay well you need to make some decisions here yourself.

You're letting her make all the decisions.

This has happened to me too. Once I took a bit of charge of myself and for myself things seemed a lot less bleak.

So maybe tell her she has to leave so you can think about things.

You say you want your marriage to work but what is she doing to assist in this? She should be making a huge effort not least because of her dreadful infidelity.

It's possible she doesn't really want the marriage to work. Does she want out? Is she trying to suggest helpful ways to improve things?

This guy a just sex fantasy - and not a very original one - he's not meeting any emotional needs just providing a sexual kick.

It's quite possible she won't go through with it when confronted with the reality, but that's not really the point.

She sounds quite naive tbh.

We can never really know the full story and situation but you sound like you are willing to try and I feel like that counts for so much .
I'm sorry this is happening . I would try to sit down and have a matter of fact conversation with her. A" This is what we have and I think it's worth fighting for " type of conversation .
I think it's important that you are able to say you have it your all . Good luck !

Gloria - I think that is very possible. She is a smart woman and I think deep down she knows that she is toying with him. But her actions and words have consequences - for us and our chances of survival and also for the other bloke and his marriage. I understand he is still married.

When you say lack of support - is this you not telling her you love her, not having sex, not telling her how wonderful and how much you appreciate her etc

A lack of those things would make any heart turn hard. Do you want to change, or do you just want to save your marriage?

You cannot be married to someone for a long time and not expect these times. There will be times when everyone in long term relationships want to escape for a while. There are even times when you want to escape the kids. Just like you want to escape the job or life in general. It's normal but not unexpected. However it is exactly the time when you should notice that ii is happening and that's when you need to be the crutch and vice versa when you have those moments she should be there for you. If you have been neglecting your emotional support duties then it's time to own up to that and have a frank discussion with her and agree to be there for her and when you feel the same that she should be there for you. An hours listening is better than an hours talking sometimes. If you really listen you'll discover the deep rooted issues. If she's feeling suicidal then get help. It amazes me that people spend thousands of pounds on holidays, nights out, I phones, ipads, laptops, clothes, etc etc but never spend a penny on therapy and get the mind right.

May I ask, when you say you'd been having a tough time recently - how did that manifest?

Growing up with brothers and working in a logical, factual environment does not mean you cannot get to grips with your feelings and become more emotionally available. Why not try counselling on your own too, both to help you through this and to work out why you are repressed?

Quite. I tell her I love every day and always have done. Both in words and text messages during the day. There is not a single day where I have it.

The lack of sex life is a complicated one. Post our youngest being born my DW tended to spend a lot of time nursing him in the nursery. As he got older she still tended to sleep in the same room as him and not our room. I often asked her to come up but she seldom did. Usually said she didn't want to disturb me getting when she got up to settle the little one.

Eventually she pretty much never came up and we ended up sleeping apart. Just awful and I should have made a better effort to change that. We never really kiss properly either.

Willing to change? Absolutely. I need to prove that to her and unfortunately she is at a point where it will be hard to do. I let it slip too far. I am devastated by this and so sorry she has been hurt.

Daily mail - I think that is a very good suggestion. I have already decided to do that, albeit belatedly

Gloria - the tough times recently manifest themselves in terser replies to my emails and my being very stressed at work (big project going badly). I would come home exhausted and frazzled - I couldn't really engage with her and retreated to just eating dinner and getting back to work on the computer. She felt I was angry with her - which I wasn't.

Sometimes women nurse a child like that to avoid sex.

Perhaps her libido fell - running after small kids is exhausting, perhaps she just stopped fancying you, or perhaps she didn't like her post-baby body and she couldn't get her groove back.

Either way, lack of sex is both partners' responsibility - I don't think you should feel it's your fault for not broaching it. She's the one who chose to co-sleep with your son. She could have broached it too.

Xpost -

in terser replies to my emails and my being very stressed at work (big project going badly). I would come home exhausted and frazzled - I couldn't really engage with her and retreated to just eating dinner and getting back to work on the computer.

Yes, that's not brilliant for a relationship. Do you have a tendency to withdraw when you get stressed generally?

I do unfortunately. I am not a big talker. It's part of the problem. I tend to internalise everything. I need to work on it and get counselling. I have left it very late though.

It sounds like you are both emotionally withdrawn. You are unfairly blaming soley yourself op

Ok, so this is where the relationship has run into problems.

But I don't think fucking someone from the Internet is the answer.

I agree FATE

She could have come to you said that the lack of communication wasn't working for her, or the lack sex...

Thank you so much everyone for your comments and advice. It has been so helpful. I have nowhere to turn at the moment. I don't want to open up my marital problems to close friends just yet. At least it until I have some time to reflect.

I am wiped out and going to bed early. We have some friends arriving to spend the weekend with us - talk about bad timing. I will try to come back on over the weekend at some point and appreciate any further thoughts.

Good night and thank you.

Good luck, I hope the weekend isn't too awkward.

What time are they due to arrive? If it's not too early tomorrow I would contact them now with an excuse about why they can't come. One or more of you v unwell (flu / vomiting bug / etc) or something.

I posted this thread a few months ago and am not coming back for some further advice.

Since discovering my wife's online affair it's been an emotionally draining time to say the least for both of us. We have talked, cried, held each other, kissed and even sometimes laughted. We have been seeing a marriage counsellor and she is starting to help us unravel the deep issues but obviously that is going to be a long journey.

One complication that remains is that my wife is continuing her online affair on a daily basis. She admits this is still happening and says she loves him but loves me as well. I have accidentally seen the odd email or text message over the past few weeks and they are a mixture of inappropriate sex talk and general chit chat.

I have raised this issue with my wife on quite a few occasions but she is not going to give it up. Even as I type these words I realise how daft I sound. I have been taking the "long view" of wanting to heal our relationship so that the third party fades and I didn't want to present my wife with a him or me now ultimatum in fear of driving her away. I don't think she really wants to be with the other guy - he is in another country and she wouldn't abandon our kids and he is also a very different background in terms of education - but she is certainly telling him she loves him and wants him.

Am I just being a fool here? I love her to bits and want us to be a loving couple but I worry this guy is now always going to be there as a love/emotional draw for my wife.

It would devastate the kids if we broke up. They think we are one happy little family.

I don't think you can do anything to try and repair the marriage until your wife agrees to suspend all contact with this man. I am surprised that wasn't a pre-requisite for counselling really. So long as she is in contact with him, your relationship is constantly undermined. She has to get to a point where she wants to save your relationship before you can get through this, and you have to make it clear that the relationship cannot include her contact with this man. If you don't she will lose all respect for you anyway.

Why hasn't your wife cut contact with her online affair man? In order to save your marriage it's the absolute minimum you should expect!