Help me put this into perspective and stop me making a tit of myself

[Alfiemoon1]

I have no reason to be suspicious of dh and know I am being irrational but
To cut a long story my sister bought dd a horse for Christmas no I am not a troll. The yard we are at is very friendly mainly all woman. Dh has taken this surprise horse extremely well he loves being at the yard and goes most days after work he works night shift so it in the morning he poo picks mucks out etc. The yard has gone to being diy so we have come to an arrangement starting this week that v will put out our horse while dd is at school and we will bring hers in. So obviously there has been texts between v and dh why she doesn't text dd I don't know.
She seems to be constantly texting surely it can't be that difficult to sort out. He was late home the other day as he went looking for wire for her rabbit hutch which annoyed me as I have a few jobs round the house that need doing when I question what takes so long at the yard he's always helping her do this that or the other. Dd got a text to say the rabbit has escaped after dh fixed it. He never mentioned he had been round to fix it. I would of expected a text saying he was going to do it or even him to mention he had been to do it or a picture of it as I love animals
So I have been a bit niggly all week oh my jobs will have to wait as u are to busy
Well fast forward to last night and she starts texting her at 11.30 when we were in bed I was giving him a cuddle with the possibility of it leading to more but no he jumps up and starts texting her back. It was to do with horses but doesn't involve our arrangement or us plus she has a partner she can discuss things with
So I ve had paddy accused him of all sorts and attempted to sleep on the sofa last night. I am over thinking everything driving myself crazy and am forcing myself not to text her to say stuff the arrangement I will put our horse out and stop texting dh which of course I will regret on cold winter mornings. Someone give me a slap and tell me to stop being so daft

[ohdearme1958]

OP, that's a really shocking time of it in just a few hours. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[ICuntSeeYourPoint]

Sorry he's such a cunt OP. X

[Alfiemoon1]

I had a previous post about my sister buying dd a surprise horse and paying for us to go to Florida on aibu I think if that's the post you are referring to

[Alfiemoon1]

I am sure there is nothing going on I think it's him wishful thinking TBH I didn't say who he could be friends with I just asked for him to be more open with me about it he has turned it round to me being a control freak who doesn't allow him to have female friends and how out of order I was. I haven't asked to delete her no or demanded we move the horse just that he is more honest with me. He thinks it's non of my business I explained no matter how irrational he thinks I am being these are my feelings and I need reassurance he says he shouldn't have to I should trust him

[Alfiemoon1]

He's never had much attention from the opposite sex and to be honest doesn't have many friends in general I think he's misreading the signals from v is flattered to have a friend shame he couldn't be open and honest about it. He slept on the sofa so has now gone to bed as I have got up ds is up but it's nothing new his dad being in bed most the morning he's spent most of their childhood unable to get up in the morning as he was to pissed to get up.
Ds has a nice treat today the owner of the yard is taking him for a ride on his Lamborghini may mention to his wife h if I see her dh is leaving and why as she adores him and is very family oriented and will be shocked at him walking away from his family

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Wow, sorry to hear that OP! Slowly step by step you'll get through it.

[Alfiemoon1]

Not going to stop v doing our arrangement it suits us. She doesn't know he's been secretive over their friendship and will probably be mortified over him primping and preening himself to impress her.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

He just chose her over your marriage.

[Unrequitedlove]

Your h is being very disrespectful of you and your feelings. It's 'non of your business' ?! 'You're a control freak'.. not exactly living caring and respectful. What on earth is wrong with him? I think there is more to it.
I know how it feels OP as I've had similar said to me in the past, needless to say he is now an ex. On the surface he is coming across as nice, helping v etc however behind closed doors this is how he treats his wife

[TheHobbitMum]

Keep strong OP you are not at fault here, he's being a complete cockwomble! Your gut instinct is telling you there is something wrong and it's rarely wrong. Even if there isn't a full blown affair going on he has essentially chosen her over you anyway. We'll all be here handholding

[Alfiemoon1]

I think he's having a mid life crisis lol. I don't think I am asking to much to be told if he's been to a friends house be it male or female. Waiting to see if he leaves today I can do it on my own I pretty much do anyway due to his work hours and drinking. He couldn't even renew his own car insurance lol. The only thing he contributes to this marriage is money and after a quick look at what I am entitled to I won't be much worse off and obviously won't be paying his bills. Thank god I increased my hours to over 16 hours when he was off work sick 2 years ago so I can get tax credIt's. Kids only see him twice a week on his nights off anyway as he chooses to sit up drinking in the day and not get up until after they have gone to bed so hopefully they should be ok

[Helpisathand13]

This all seems to be happening so quick Alfiemoon1, I am sorry you are going through this with him. You are getting some perspective on your situation which is great and thinking practically about what ifs and next steps. I do wish you well and hope this awful situation comes to a positive conclusion for you and the kids, whatever that may be. Much love x

[Alfiemoon1]

He's still in bed both kids now up and heard us arguing last night so have explained sometimes people argue even adults just like they fall out with each other and their friends at times. Not sure how much they heard so have left it at that ds watching tv and about to do homework dd messing on her phone. She is the one who will stress the most about all this ds takes everything in his stride

[Unrequitedlove]

Alfie.. like another post said, it seems to be happening quickly..
He is treating you badly but would you consider marriage counselling? It may help or otherwise help with the separation process?

[ohdearme1958]

Today 09:52 Alfiemoon1

I had a previous post about my sister buying dd a surprise horse and paying for us to go to Florida on aibu I think if that's the post you are referring to

Yes that's the one.

Look, what with the drinking is now perhaps the time to have a think about your future?

Or if I recall correctly, and I'm sorry if I'm wrong - are there cultural issues that would make divorce something you'd have to think about very carefully.

[Alfiemoon1]

He's up and showered not spoke to me or the kids yet he's upstairs watching tv. He's not started packing so maybe an idle threat. Of course I don't want a divorce I want to work this out all of our problems out. It hasn't been a great marriage but I always hoped one day we would work it out

[WamBamThankYouMaam]

My husband and I both have lots of opposite sex friends, not a people at all. I was out for dinner with a male friend last night, not a problem.

If either of us chose to prioritise readings texts from those friends over having sex with each other then that would be a very big problem indeed, likewise with the complete lack of boundaries, the lack of respect he is displaying towards you and the secretive behaviour.

[sorryIam]

If you're gut instinct is that he is lying,about all this then its highly likely that he is.

[ohdearme1958]

Alfie, I respect that. But please keep in mind that it takes two people to make a marriage work. Also that you can spend years trying to make it work alone and before you know it the years have gone by and you never get them back.

[Alfiemoon1]

Still nothing from him about if he is leaving today although he's gone to the shop presumably to buy more beer. While I try to hold it together for the kids. I haven't eaten as I feel sick and have a headache

[ohdearme1958]

Alfie I'm not one to say LTB but how about you get him to go. You see, when people make threats about leaving it's a form of bullying. He knows you won't do anything to upset the status quo as it is now. He knows he had you over a barrel. So he is threatening you. And it's working.

Take the uncertainty away - tell him to go. If you are meant to get a happy ending with him you will.

[ohdearme1958]

Sorry, just to add - the reason this all turned as quickly as it did is because your husband knows he's got you exactly where he wants you.

I'm sorry.

[MistresssIggi]

I was worried about the potential affair but the drink problem is far worse in my view - and very damaging for your children to be around.

[Unrequitedlove]

How are you op?

[Alfiemoon1]

Current situation he's still here we are doing a lot of talking about everything. Went out on a day trip with his and ds jujitsu club today they knew about his giving up drinking as well. As i nag him so much about he didn't tell me his plans to give up or cut down apparently. Any other messages between him and v seem to be about the horse. He finally seems to get where I am coming from. He does seem to help everyone at the yard and generally loves being there. Still more talking to do but he is being more attentive to me. His excuse over the rabbit was he came after doing the hutch i was in work he went to bed and when he got up I was going to bed so it's cute floppy ears got forgotten. We are like ships that pass in the night at times. Not sure what will happen next but I am setting some boundaries over some long term issues like his drinking and that we need to communicate more